I am a mess!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 31
I am a mess!!!
OMG - I am a mess!
I can't even type, this might take a while!!
I put the deposit down on my new place yesterday and get the keys tomorrow - good yes, but I am freaking out today?? My anxiety is so high I can't focus on work or anything, my hands are shaking.
I am planning on telling him (again) today that I am moving out and that the kids will come with me. (I have told him multiple times that I will not stop him from seeing them when he is sober, they are 14 and 11 and are really angry with him right now) I want to do it before he starts drinking for the day but am really scared. I tried to reach one of his longtime friends to support me but he has not emailed back. I have told him 3 times in the last month that I am moving out if he did not change (while secretly hoping he would not change because I just want out) and nothing has changed. The first time he threw a chair in the pool and told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me...lovely. The second time he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move and the third time he destroyed my brand new phone and said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away. Wow...that's the first time I put that in writing...kinda scary. In our 19 years together he has never been physically abusive but feels the need to puff his chest up every now and then to show me who's boss. All 3 times he apologized within minutes and said he was ashamed of himself for saying that and that I was the love of his life and he would never hurt me. I don't believe he will hurt me but there is this little voice in my head saying 'have backup' just in case.
I wish he would go away, it would make ours lives so much easier!
We will see what the day brings, just needed to get it out!! Thanks for your support.
I can't even type, this might take a while!!
I put the deposit down on my new place yesterday and get the keys tomorrow - good yes, but I am freaking out today?? My anxiety is so high I can't focus on work or anything, my hands are shaking.
I am planning on telling him (again) today that I am moving out and that the kids will come with me. (I have told him multiple times that I will not stop him from seeing them when he is sober, they are 14 and 11 and are really angry with him right now) I want to do it before he starts drinking for the day but am really scared. I tried to reach one of his longtime friends to support me but he has not emailed back. I have told him 3 times in the last month that I am moving out if he did not change (while secretly hoping he would not change because I just want out) and nothing has changed. The first time he threw a chair in the pool and told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me...lovely. The second time he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move and the third time he destroyed my brand new phone and said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away. Wow...that's the first time I put that in writing...kinda scary. In our 19 years together he has never been physically abusive but feels the need to puff his chest up every now and then to show me who's boss. All 3 times he apologized within minutes and said he was ashamed of himself for saying that and that I was the love of his life and he would never hurt me. I don't believe he will hurt me but there is this little voice in my head saying 'have backup' just in case.
I wish he would go away, it would make ours lives so much easier!
We will see what the day brings, just needed to get it out!! Thanks for your support.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Please let the police know what you have told us. A protection order may be issued.
This is the most dangerous time for you - when you leave.
Don't tell anyone where you are going. No one. I would also call a Domestic Violence hotline and get other advice about your safety. Don't minimize THREE separate death threats!
This is the most dangerous time for you - when you leave.
Don't tell anyone where you are going. No one. I would also call a Domestic Violence hotline and get other advice about your safety. Don't minimize THREE separate death threats!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Banana Tree....I can see that you are very nervous about this....and I think that your voice telling you to "have backup" is very important to listen to......
Biminiblue is giving you very good advice...I would take it.....
It is better to take an abundance of caution...than to be sorry, later.....
Keep posting, and let us know how you are and how you are doing......!
dandylion
Biminiblue is giving you very good advice...I would take it.....
It is better to take an abundance of caution...than to be sorry, later.....
Keep posting, and let us know how you are and how you are doing......!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I second this. Those sort of threats not be taken lightly, even if he does say he is sorry. Someone who is sorry for their behavior does not repeat that same behavior over and over. Please, protect yourself and your children. Keep us updated. Many hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 31
Thank you Biminiblue and dandylion. I was hoping not to involve the police but will if necessary. I think I might reach out to his friend again today and not say anything until I have his support. I will move some essentials tomorrow once I get the keys and be able to go quickly if needed. The kids are away with my sister for the whole day tomorrow so it might be a better time.
I really do hope that my anxiety is just that this is such a huge step after a 19 year marriage and not because he will actually hurt me. In my heart I do not think he will. I am also a strong momabear and have no problem defending myself physically if I have to.
I know it looks bad and I am not taking that lightly and will not put myself or my children in harms way.
Thanks again <3
I really do hope that my anxiety is just that this is such a huge step after a 19 year marriage and not because he will actually hurt me. In my heart I do not think he will. I am also a strong momabear and have no problem defending myself physically if I have to.
I know it looks bad and I am not taking that lightly and will not put myself or my children in harms way.
Thanks again <3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
His FRIEND is not what you need right now. you need to be SAFE and SMART. When someone, ANYONE, threatens to KILL US, we involve the police. do NOT attempt to confront him on your own. do NOT think you can talk him down or cajole him. you are WAY out of your element, lady......and you MUST take this seriously and consider yourself in DANGER. please.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 31
His friend and I talked a few months ago because he was worried about how he was acting. He thought he was going to have a breakdown or something and I explained the drinking. I call him his friend because they went to school together but after 19 years he is my friend too and will have my back.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by BananaTree 
... am really scared.
...told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me
....he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move
... said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away.
...told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me
....he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move
... said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 31
I defend him because I am a stereotypical codependent. I have read the books...
He is a long time alcoholic that when he gets pissed off and drunk says mean and hurtful things. I agree that these were more than mean and hurtful but again do not feel he would ever follow through, it is just his way of trying to make me change my mind about leaving him.
I don't want my life to become a public event with the whole neighbourhood seeing the police coming around. I will reach out to the abused women hotline today.
Thank you all again for your comments, I do not take them lightly. I knew posting on here would be in my best interest even if I did not want to hear what you all had to say.
I will continue to update as the situation changes.
He is a long time alcoholic that when he gets pissed off and drunk says mean and hurtful things. I agree that these were more than mean and hurtful but again do not feel he would ever follow through, it is just his way of trying to make me change my mind about leaving him.
I don't want my life to become a public event with the whole neighbourhood seeing the police coming around. I will reach out to the abused women hotline today.
Thank you all again for your comments, I do not take them lightly. I knew posting on here would be in my best interest even if I did not want to hear what you all had to say.
I will continue to update as the situation changes.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
First and foremost, talk with an advocate.
Second, if you don't want the police "coming around" you can go down to the police station to make a report. If you are eligible for a protective order they can help you get one. Given the history, though, I think I'd move first and inform him, second. Get safely out, first. Another reason to talk with the police is that if you DO move without informing him first, the police can document the reason, which will help to protect you if he later claims you "snatched" the kids or something. Many places have defenses to charges like "interference with custody" when someone is fleeing a threat.
Keep breathing. Oh, and I don't think I'd be sharing your plans with his friend if I were you. It might be fine, but it seems pretty risky.
Second, if you don't want the police "coming around" you can go down to the police station to make a report. If you are eligible for a protective order they can help you get one. Given the history, though, I think I'd move first and inform him, second. Get safely out, first. Another reason to talk with the police is that if you DO move without informing him first, the police can document the reason, which will help to protect you if he later claims you "snatched" the kids or something. Many places have defenses to charges like "interference with custody" when someone is fleeing a threat.
Keep breathing. Oh, and I don't think I'd be sharing your plans with his friend if I were you. It might be fine, but it seems pretty risky.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by BananaTree
OMG - I am a mess!
I can't even type, this might take a while!!
I put the deposit down on my new place yesterday and get the keys tomorrow - good yes, but I am freaking out today?? My anxiety is so high I can't focus on work or anything, my hands are shaking.
I am planning on telling him (again) today that I am moving out and that the kids will come with me. (I have told him multiple times that I will not stop him from seeing them when he is sober, they are 14 and 11 and are really angry with him right now) I want to do it before he starts drinking for the day but am really scared. I tried to reach one of his longtime friends to support me but he has not emailed back. I have told him 3 times in the last month that I am moving out if he did not change (while secretly hoping he would not change because I just want out) and nothing has changed. The first time he threw a chair in the pool and told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me...lovely. The second time he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move and the third time he destroyed my brand new phone and said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away. Wow...that's the first time I put that in writing...kinda scary. In our 19 years together he has never been physically abusive but feels the need to puff his chest up every now and then to show me who's boss. All 3 times he apologized within minutes and said he was ashamed of himself for saying that and that I was the love of his life and he would never hurt me. I don't believe he will hurt me but there is this little voice in my head saying 'have backup' just in case.
I wish he would go away, it would make ours lives so much easier!
We will see what the day brings, just needed to get it out!! Thanks for your support.
I can't even type, this might take a while!!
I put the deposit down on my new place yesterday and get the keys tomorrow - good yes, but I am freaking out today?? My anxiety is so high I can't focus on work or anything, my hands are shaking.
I am planning on telling him (again) today that I am moving out and that the kids will come with me. (I have told him multiple times that I will not stop him from seeing them when he is sober, they are 14 and 11 and are really angry with him right now) I want to do it before he starts drinking for the day but am really scared. I tried to reach one of his longtime friends to support me but he has not emailed back. I have told him 3 times in the last month that I am moving out if he did not change (while secretly hoping he would not change because I just want out) and nothing has changed. The first time he threw a chair in the pool and told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me...lovely. The second time he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move and the third time he destroyed my brand new phone and said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away. Wow...that's the first time I put that in writing...kinda scary. In our 19 years together he has never been physically abusive but feels the need to puff his chest up every now and then to show me who's boss. All 3 times he apologized within minutes and said he was ashamed of himself for saying that and that I was the love of his life and he would never hurt me. I don't believe he will hurt me but there is this little voice in my head saying 'have backup' just in case.
I wish he would go away, it would make ours lives so much easier!
We will see what the day brings, just needed to get it out!! Thanks for your support.
You have NO IDEA...what a GIFT you are giving to yourself and your children...AND POSSIBLY TO YOUR HUSBAND.
Leaving him can be the turning point in your lives....he will either fall completely or pick himself up.
But, in the meantime...you are setting a VERY good example for your children. And for others in this forum.
Including myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B,
I see that you have been on SR for a while so you knew what we all would say. I understand that you have been with him for 19 years and do not feel "threatened " by his ugly mouth when he is drunk. You have to understand that he is under the influence when he says the ugly things and can do anything at the time because he is under the influence.
Please please please let the police know what you are doing and what is going on in your home. They can drive by and keep an eye out in the neighbor hood. Sometimes the nosy neighbors can be your best friends.
We stay with our alcoholic spouses so that our kids can have two parents in the home. It sounds like AH does not currently have a relationship with your kids. If you don't worry about yourself and your own safety, worry that your kids might grow up with him, if he did something to you and got away with it. He would be the sole parent, raising them. Please don't down play 3 different threats to your life. Everyday women are being beaten and killed by their spouses, it only takes one time.
I know you don't want to hear this, but please reach out for help like you did here. Let him try and intimidate the cops or another man, he is nothing but a bully!!
Hugs my friend you can do this!!!!
I see that you have been on SR for a while so you knew what we all would say. I understand that you have been with him for 19 years and do not feel "threatened " by his ugly mouth when he is drunk. You have to understand that he is under the influence when he says the ugly things and can do anything at the time because he is under the influence.
Please please please let the police know what you are doing and what is going on in your home. They can drive by and keep an eye out in the neighbor hood. Sometimes the nosy neighbors can be your best friends.
We stay with our alcoholic spouses so that our kids can have two parents in the home. It sounds like AH does not currently have a relationship with your kids. If you don't worry about yourself and your own safety, worry that your kids might grow up with him, if he did something to you and got away with it. He would be the sole parent, raising them. Please don't down play 3 different threats to your life. Everyday women are being beaten and killed by their spouses, it only takes one time.
I know you don't want to hear this, but please reach out for help like you did here. Let him try and intimidate the cops or another man, he is nothing but a bully!!
Hugs my friend you can do this!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I wouldn’t bring his/your friend into this, that’s a really bad position you are putting him in.
I would call the DV hotline and discuss with them your plans of moving out along with your concerns about his previous threats.
I would also strongly suggest you contact the police and make a report.
I would NOT announce to him your plans I’d just do it – move out while he is at work. A big mistake WE make is in assuming they would or would not do x,y or z. Never take that chance!!!!
I also would not give your new address to him or anyone at least not for a while. Get yourself a PO Box and use that address for mail.
What about a lawyer? What steps have you taken regarding a divorce/legal separation?
I would call the DV hotline and discuss with them your plans of moving out along with your concerns about his previous threats.
I would also strongly suggest you contact the police and make a report.
I would NOT announce to him your plans I’d just do it – move out while he is at work. A big mistake WE make is in assuming they would or would not do x,y or z. Never take that chance!!!!
I also would not give your new address to him or anyone at least not for a while. Get yourself a PO Box and use that address for mail.
What about a lawyer? What steps have you taken regarding a divorce/legal separation?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 31
Maia - the sad thing is that he had a great relationship with the kids. He was there for all the big events and usually managed to stay sober. He decided to take some time off work last September to get better so had a conversation then with the kids about addiction and getting help. He did get some help and was sober for short periods of time but it never stuck. They ask all the time if he is going to get help now. He has made so many promises to them that this is 'the last weekend ever' he was going to drink and then Monday as soon as I leave the house to take DD to gym he goes to the store to buy booze. That is why they are angry, we did have a good life, went on fun vacations and spend fun time together, that is what they miss and that is mostly why they are angry.
Atalose - he has not worked in about a year and I work at home so unless I leave the house to bring the kids somewhere he does not leave...
I will call the DV hotline tonight and think about the police report, I am still not sure about that one. I have seen a lawyer and just need to call him once I leave and he will start the paperwork, I saw him before the threats were made so he does not know about that. This has all happened in the last 6 weeks since he came home from being out east for 6 weeks working, he was supposed to getting better there too...didn't work!. I have already met with the bank and have a real estate agent on the ready to come and take pictures of the house to sell.
Atalose - he has not worked in about a year and I work at home so unless I leave the house to bring the kids somewhere he does not leave...
I will call the DV hotline tonight and think about the police report, I am still not sure about that one. I have seen a lawyer and just need to call him once I leave and he will start the paperwork, I saw him before the threats were made so he does not know about that. This has all happened in the last 6 weeks since he came home from being out east for 6 weeks working, he was supposed to getting better there too...didn't work!. I have already met with the bank and have a real estate agent on the ready to come and take pictures of the house to sell.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B,
It sounds like you have taken your time and put things in order. Please take the most important items out of the house first.
I am sorry to say sweety, he is an alcoholic and that is his number one priority. I am sure he loves you a ton, loves his kids and you love him. But at some point in his life he needs to take accountability for his actions. I know you want to down play the threats, but a threat is a threat. If he new every time he threatened you that you would call the police, and they would investigate it, he would twice about doing it again. (you would think)
I agree with everyone else, I would not tell him your plans. I would move out and then deal with him after the fact. Please let the police know your intentions so he can't file kidnapping charges against you.
Keep you and your little ones safe my friend!!
It sounds like you have taken your time and put things in order. Please take the most important items out of the house first.
I am sorry to say sweety, he is an alcoholic and that is his number one priority. I am sure he loves you a ton, loves his kids and you love him. But at some point in his life he needs to take accountability for his actions. I know you want to down play the threats, but a threat is a threat. If he new every time he threatened you that you would call the police, and they would investigate it, he would twice about doing it again. (you would think)
I agree with everyone else, I would not tell him your plans. I would move out and then deal with him after the fact. Please let the police know your intentions so he can't file kidnapping charges against you.
Keep you and your little ones safe my friend!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BanannaTree....I know that you did not want it to come to this....who does?
so many people stay for a longer time than they should because they believe that somehow they can still make everything work......
When you start questioning yourself---remember that STAYING DID NOT GET HIM SOBER.....
And, remember, also, that living in an alcoholic home damages the dhildren.....
Calling and talking to the dv people is a very good move!! They will understand and they will help.....
You do realize that a police report is just a report....it does not mean that they will contact him or arrest him....it is for the record to protect you and the kids......
dandylion
so many people stay for a longer time than they should because they believe that somehow they can still make everything work......
When you start questioning yourself---remember that STAYING DID NOT GET HIM SOBER.....
And, remember, also, that living in an alcoholic home damages the dhildren.....
Calling and talking to the dv people is a very good move!! They will understand and they will help.....
You do realize that a police report is just a report....it does not mean that they will contact him or arrest him....it is for the record to protect you and the kids......
dandylion
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