Feeling mixed up and no one to talk to
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Join Date: May 2016
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I will ask them, it's a different court house for me this time and I am not familiar of the advocates there or their hours they work. I will find out. This is all overwhelming to say the least. I spoke to a friend last night and she said "well, he has put you and himself and the kids thru hell but does he really deserve to be locked up?, I mean he is still the father of your baby". That's the hard part obviously as I do feel a little twinge of feeling like a bad person who potentially can be the one to say yes, he did all this. I'm not sure of the remafications and that concerns me as I will have to still deal with this man down the line as we have a baby together. Yet, if I say, I don't want him locked up, then my enforcing of the OP may be considered a joke on my behalf.
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Originally Posted by newbeginings16 
I will ask them, it's a different court house for me this time and I am not familiar of the advocates there or their hours they work. I will find out. This is all overwhelming to say the least. I spoke to a friend last night and she said "well, he has put you and himself and the kids thru hell but does he really deserve to be locked up?, I mean he is still the father of your baby". That's the hard part obviously as I do feel a little twinge of feeling like a bad person who potentially can be the one to say yes, he did all this. I'm not sure of the remafications and that concerns me as I will have to still deal with this man down the line as we have a baby together. Yet, if I say, I don't want him locked up, then my enforcing of the OP may be considered a joke on my behalf.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by newbeginings16
I will ask them, it's a different court house for me this time and I am not familiar of the advocates there or their hours they work. I will find out. This is all overwhelming to say the least. I spoke to a friend last night and she said "well, he has put you and himself and the kids thru hell but does he really deserve to be locked up?, I mean he is still the father of your baby". That's the hard part obviously as I do feel a little twinge of feeling like a bad person who potentially can be the one to say yes, he did all this. I'm not sure of the remafications and that concerns me as I will have to still deal with this man down the line as we have a baby together. Yet, if I say, I don't want him locked up, then my enforcing of the OP may be considered a joke on my behalf.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
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Jaeger!!!!!
Wow, a short response and a very powerful one at that! That is beyond true and I know that is something I am personally working on, letting others make their choices and deal with the conquences on their own. I have to remind myself that he did these things, made the choices and I am reacting to the situation as I did from the past. Thank you, thank you , thank you. I have to keep telling myself-he doesn't care what happens to me so I have to let him go completely and only about me and my kiddos of course. This is a process of course but you are very correct-the choices he made were his, not mine. my choices were made to protect my kids and I.
Wow, a short response and a very powerful one at that! That is beyond true and I know that is something I am personally working on, letting others make their choices and deal with the conquences on their own. I have to remind myself that he did these things, made the choices and I am reacting to the situation as I did from the past. Thank you, thank you , thank you. I have to keep telling myself-he doesn't care what happens to me so I have to let him go completely and only about me and my kiddos of course. This is a process of course but you are very correct-the choices he made were his, not mine. my choices were made to protect my kids and I.
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Join Date: May 2016
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Bekindalways-
Very true, I used to say that to a friend of mine years ago and now I need to take my own words. Thank you! Thanks so much! He promised in the past when we were getting along ok: diapers, wipes, child care payments to the day time sitter etc. Nothing ever happened and I am dealing with the brunt of it all.
I am still very serious about moving and I was told to give catholic charities a call for help with a security deposit form immediate needs for safety.
Very true, I used to say that to a friend of mine years ago and now I need to take my own words. Thank you! Thanks so much! He promised in the past when we were getting along ok: diapers, wipes, child care payments to the day time sitter etc. Nothing ever happened and I am dealing with the brunt of it all.
I am still very serious about moving and I was told to give catholic charities a call for help with a security deposit form immediate needs for safety.
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newbeginnings...OmG...you are so brave and so willing to do the things that you need to do.....
I want to remind you to tell...to impress on every single one that you talk to in this whole process, how genuinely scared of him that you are. You are realistic in your fears...and, thankfully, not trying to minimize his capacity to act out and do harm.....
You (and the kids) deserve every safety measure that the dv people recommend....
I'm not trying to freak you out...but, I do respect your feelings on this matter....
dandylion
I want to remind you to tell...to impress on every single one that you talk to in this whole process, how genuinely scared of him that you are. You are realistic in your fears...and, thankfully, not trying to minimize his capacity to act out and do harm.....
You (and the kids) deserve every safety measure that the dv people recommend....
I'm not trying to freak you out...but, I do respect your feelings on this matter....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
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dandylion-
I have been in dv situations before, mostly verbal but the threat of police and court always made them stop. The other 2 also did not have criminal backrounds and were not addicts at all. This man has all angles that when added together can cause a massive explosion and it is very possible that I and possibly my kids could be harmed in the process. Each time I think-he said he would never hurt me again, I remember he did, he made so many broken promises to me after the baby was born and I waited 4 months and once back together things escalated faster, more serious and I knew it was already over even though he was still living with me. The worst case here is that he decides to drug and drink, show up at my apt, break the window by my bed and severely harm me and possibly kids in the process. This sticks with me and I know he thinks that is never a possibility and I should not be scared but his past towards me had proved otherwise. I know this is hard emotionally as when you are with someone and they love you and profess the love over and over yet they harm you, your mind gets so muddled in the process. Yet love does not hurt, not mentally and physically, nor make demands that the other person does not agree with. Its going to take me awhile emotionally and yet I have this whole court process next Tuesday already........ I feel like yelling-Help already, help please!!!!
I have been in dv situations before, mostly verbal but the threat of police and court always made them stop. The other 2 also did not have criminal backrounds and were not addicts at all. This man has all angles that when added together can cause a massive explosion and it is very possible that I and possibly my kids could be harmed in the process. Each time I think-he said he would never hurt me again, I remember he did, he made so many broken promises to me after the baby was born and I waited 4 months and once back together things escalated faster, more serious and I knew it was already over even though he was still living with me. The worst case here is that he decides to drug and drink, show up at my apt, break the window by my bed and severely harm me and possibly kids in the process. This sticks with me and I know he thinks that is never a possibility and I should not be scared but his past towards me had proved otherwise. I know this is hard emotionally as when you are with someone and they love you and profess the love over and over yet they harm you, your mind gets so muddled in the process. Yet love does not hurt, not mentally and physically, nor make demands that the other person does not agree with. Its going to take me awhile emotionally and yet I have this whole court process next Tuesday already........ I feel like yelling-Help already, help please!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I haven't been in exactly the same spot as you, but just wanted to send hugs and support. And I just wanted to say:
It's because of his actions that he'll go to jail. I know you know it; and I know that's not the way he'll see it, but it doesn't make it any less true.
Deep breath. ((((hugs))))
Originally Posted by newbeginings16
Will my testimony send him to prison Im scared that eventually when he's out he will come after me.
Deep breath. ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
It feels strange to say this to someone I've never met but - I'm so proud of you!!! You are a great mother and although I know how scary it is, you are pushing through the fear. It will work out. I seriously doubt he ends up in prison...not for a PFA violation but it should send a clear message that you will do what it takes to protect your children. If it doesn't? Well then he belongs in prison!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Hi, nb,
Usually there is a victim/witness unit within the State's Attorney's Office. I'd suggest calling there and talking with an advocate. They can be an invaluable help in getting all your questions answered, giving you support for the court appearance (including going to court with you), keeping you informed of court dates, explaining what will happen, facilitating communication with the prosecutor, and more.
At this point it isn't UP to you what happens with the case. You are certainly permitted to express your opinion, and to have a say in what happens, but the ultimate decision on what happens with the case rests with the prosecutor. A good prosecutor will take your wishes into account but will do what s/he feels is appropriate to maximize your safety and hold the offender accountable.
Even though it might look or feel like what you want doesn't matter, this approach actually takes a lot of the pressure off you. Your only obligations are to respond to court orders (which a subpoena actually is--you have no choice about appearing, unless the prosecutor tells you specifically that you don't need to appear), and you are obligated to tell the truth--the whole truth and nothing but. If you look at it that way, it isn't quite so scary. He got himself into this, and violated the law, and it's not you that's "putting him in jail," it's the law.
Hugs, keep posting and I'll do my best to answer any general questions, but you will get the best info from an advocate or from the prosecutor handling your specific case.
Usually there is a victim/witness unit within the State's Attorney's Office. I'd suggest calling there and talking with an advocate. They can be an invaluable help in getting all your questions answered, giving you support for the court appearance (including going to court with you), keeping you informed of court dates, explaining what will happen, facilitating communication with the prosecutor, and more.
At this point it isn't UP to you what happens with the case. You are certainly permitted to express your opinion, and to have a say in what happens, but the ultimate decision on what happens with the case rests with the prosecutor. A good prosecutor will take your wishes into account but will do what s/he feels is appropriate to maximize your safety and hold the offender accountable.
Even though it might look or feel like what you want doesn't matter, this approach actually takes a lot of the pressure off you. Your only obligations are to respond to court orders (which a subpoena actually is--you have no choice about appearing, unless the prosecutor tells you specifically that you don't need to appear), and you are obligated to tell the truth--the whole truth and nothing but. If you look at it that way, it isn't quite so scary. He got himself into this, and violated the law, and it's not you that's "putting him in jail," it's the law.
Hugs, keep posting and I'll do my best to answer any general questions, but you will get the best info from an advocate or from the prosecutor handling your specific case.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Hello again Lexicat,
It's funny how when I stumbled upon this site, I never used a site like this and honestly never thought I would be using it to get through daily struggles and concerns. The suggestions have been beyond amazing and the support has allowed me to face all of this daily and be ok as a woman, mom, boss and person. Thank you so much for the help and pointing me in the right direction. I will call the advocate office again and that did put me at ease. Personally, I would prefer to sit there and not have to say anything at all but that's not the case I assume. I will show up and hopefully get more information from the advocates at the court house soon. As you can tell I like to be informed and act instead of have to react to situations.
It's funny how when I stumbled upon this site, I never used a site like this and honestly never thought I would be using it to get through daily struggles and concerns. The suggestions have been beyond amazing and the support has allowed me to face all of this daily and be ok as a woman, mom, boss and person. Thank you so much for the help and pointing me in the right direction. I will call the advocate office again and that did put me at ease. Personally, I would prefer to sit there and not have to say anything at all but that's not the case I assume. I will show up and hopefully get more information from the advocates at the court house soon. As you can tell I like to be informed and act instead of have to react to situations.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Thank you Sunshine1234, draining is an understatement. I'm now reading (on my lunch break at work) Co*Dependency -9 easy focuses as well as It's my life now. These are 2 different focuses as one is on being a survivor of abuse and staying safe etc and the other is Codependency and Im still going to Al-Anon when I can although that is hard with the baby full time as I mentioned before. The It's my life now is great in understanding abuse as control and explains why and how people go back into the relationship even after things have gone terribly wrong, which was why I started the forum in the beginning. I now am confident in my decision with staying gone and happy to have my divorce on file already. 
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I found this too for my area, now it depends on how the case is looked at as he has a criminal background as well, I am talking an actual felony that he did hard time for, not being arrested in the county and released in a few days or weeks, but he has that too.
"Violation of an order of protection is a Class A misdemeanor offense punishable by up to one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. The court may also sentence the defendant to probation, counseling, and community service. Supervision is available for this offense, which means that a first offender may be eligible to have the record of this charge expunged."
"Violation of an order of protection is a Class A misdemeanor offense punishable by up to one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. The court may also sentence the defendant to probation, counseling, and community service. Supervision is available for this offense, which means that a first offender may be eligible to have the record of this charge expunged."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just to be clear, there are a couple of different kinds of "advocates," both of which can be helpful. There are community-based advocates, who usually are connected with shelters or other agencies outside of law enforcement. Those advocates usually have confidentiality for anything you tell them.
The other kind of advocate is one who is attached to the local prosecutor's office or police department. Those people can give you more reliable information about your specific case.
Both kinds of advocates can be helpful in different ways--one isn't "better" than the other, except for certain purposes. Advocates out in the community might be better for helping you with counseling or referrals that you want to keep private. Advocates with the prosecutor's office (State's Attorney) can give you more nuts-and-bolts kinds of assistance with information about your case. You can have advocates at both places--you don't have to choose. But my suggestion, for finding out what is going on with your case and getting courthouse support, was to connect with an advocate IN the State's Attorney's Office.
The other kind of advocate is one who is attached to the local prosecutor's office or police department. Those people can give you more reliable information about your specific case.
Both kinds of advocates can be helpful in different ways--one isn't "better" than the other, except for certain purposes. Advocates out in the community might be better for helping you with counseling or referrals that you want to keep private. Advocates with the prosecutor's office (State's Attorney) can give you more nuts-and-bolts kinds of assistance with information about your case. You can have advocates at both places--you don't have to choose. But my suggestion, for finding out what is going on with your case and getting courthouse support, was to connect with an advocate IN the State's Attorney's Office.
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