Adrian80

[B]This will be long. [B]Guys I am going through so much right now I don't know what to do. I am dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend well ex boyfriend now. The 17th of this month made 3 years for us. For the most part things were good but now I'm living in hell. When we met we both had been through a lot and were somewhat in transition trying to rebuild our lives. I was 33 and he was 34. When we first met I could tell that he was different from most men. He was very polite and respectable not just to me but to everyone. People spoke very highly of him and still do. He has a remarkable spirit that shines through and most people pick that up from the jump. He's very intelligent. He's also an alcoholic. I was aware that he was a drinker but it wasn't so bad that it was a deal breaker. For the most part things were good but here lately the drinking has become unbearable.
I have been trying to talk to him for months and doing everything I could to help but now I see I was hurting. I lived life for him with him taking no responsibility. He felt like praying would help his addiction so I prayed. He had problems knowing when to stop so I handled that too. When I felt he'd had enough I would hide his keys and wallet to keep him from getting more. Controlling his addiction was a responsibility that he entrusted to me. Things came to a head Saturday night when he got drunk and not only did he pick a fight with our neighbor but he picked one with our apartment manager, which was the last straw. His name is not on the lease mine is. So bright and early Sunday morning our apartment manager came and said he'd had all night to think about the events that took place the day before and that my ex had to go
I tried reasoning with him because I love my ex and I know he's dealing with a lot. He suffers from a mental illness and being that his family is not from our city he has no one but me here. He has his baby brother but he's homeless and living at the salvation army. We were able to compromise and he said that he could come back after a few days once things cool off. He gave him 5 hours to find somewhere to go. I got his mom, who lives 3 hours away, to let him come there. Our apartment manager even donated $20 to help with gas. He didn't go though. He took every penny he had and bought beer. I contacted the salvation army but he didn't go there. He spent all day riding up and down the street drinking. He showed up about 5 or 6 times after being told to leave the premises. Out of fear of being kicked out for violating my apartment manager's orders I repeatedly begged him to leave. I can't loose my home because I will have no where to go. He called and texted all night begging to come home but my hands were tied and I just stop responding.

He showed up bright and early this morning around 6 after spending all night in his car. I woke up to him placing his things at the front door. I again begged him to leave because I don't want my apartment manager to think I'm not doing what he asked and I also don't want him to get arrested for trespassing. Not far from us is a non profit homeless shelter that assist those with addictions and mental illness. We both worked there at one point but I recently quit, per his orders, do to an emotionally abusive supervisor. He went to see if they had room for him and of course they wanted to know why he wasn't home with me. Y'all he talked about me so bad. He put all the blame on me. He told them I kicked him out for no reason. He brought up me having issues stemming from sexual abuse and said that I took it out on him and he said he don't even know if the abuse was my fault or not because I never take responsibility for anything. I was thinking of going back there to work so I could support myself but he talked about me so bad they say I can't come back. He never once told them the truth about why he had to leave. He showed them selected text messages of me telling him to stay away but he just so happened forgot to show the one's of me discussing the whole situation. I am so hurt and I can't stop crying I was up even this morning trying to secure him shelter but unbeknownst to me he was dragging me through the mud. He yelled at me said that I never take responsibility for my actions and that I blame everything on everyone else which is not true. He said I was selfish because I didn't care that my old boss couldn't come to work because her husband is sick. Being that I no longer work for the company I had no idea about that until he threw it up in my face. Today was the last straw for me. I feel like he's done something that can't be undone. I am so scared. I now have to find away to support myself and I have very little work experience because I spent most of my adult life caring for my sick mom who has since passed away. I'm just now trying to build a life for myself. Sorry this is so long and thanks for everyone who took the time to read it in it's entirety.

Katsfree

Thank you for sharing Adrian,

It sure does sound like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you take the time to care for your own needs. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and selfish disease.

If you have any alanon meetings in your area I think that would be a good place to start. Our answers can be found as we work through the internals of ourselves.

Remember, easy does it... keep coming back!
Kat

Adrian80

Thank you so much

AnvilheadII

well sadly, his true colors finally broke thru. and i am sorry for that. but best you know now, before things get worse.

it sounds like some of your caregiving for your mom transferred over to him.....whereas you TRIED to control HIS addiction, hiding his keys, etc etc. and doing many other things FOR him that he was and is quite capable of doing for himself.

i guess i'm a bit confused that you have the apartment but state you need to find work to support yourself. were you relying on HIS income? regardless, i hope you find your way through it all.

instead of using your time and energy trying to arrange things for him....STOP and start making those calls on your behalf. there are lots of resources available to help those in need - YOU. he's a big boy, with a big mouth and that is all HIS problem. NOT YOURS.

Adrian80

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes the apartment is in my name. When we met we both had our own places and I was working. He eventually gave up his place and moved in with me, something my apartment manager didn't mind as long as he didn't cause a problem. I worked up until a few months ago but left due to poor working conditions. Being that he has a good job, was aware of the issues on the job because he left because of the same reasons I left, after an altercation with my supervisor he told me not to go back. He now denies ever saying that. I am optimistic about my future without him because although I am hurt I'm not completely broken. I'm not as sad or fearful as I would have been in the past. Even him lying on me don't bother me as much as it use to. In the past I would have become unhinged at the thought of people believing lies that someone told on me but now I feel he and them can go to H E double hockey sticks. It hurts because he was my first love. As hard as losing him is for me I thank God that things are not worse. We've been having intimacy issues as of late due to him manipulating the condoms all in hopes of getting me pregnant. He said it was to seal the deal. I feel a baby was just a control tactic. I believe he thinks that me having his child would ensure that he always had some kind of control over me. Whatever his motive was I'm just glad it didn't happen.

AnvilheadII

We've been having intimacy issues as of late due to him manipulating the condoms all in hopes of getting me pregnant


ewwww, that is so.....well, EVIL is a word. manipulative, underhanded. says a LOT about the persona he presented to the outside world and the hidden INNER him.........you really dodged a bullet, darlin'. BIG TIME. there are lessons there to be learned from..........

Adrian80

I really did. There was a time when we planned to be married and start a family but I realize bringing a child into this environment would be a big mistake. My mom and dad were pretty good parents to me. They had their faults like every parent but overall I am happy with the job that they did and I always said that if I had a child I wanted to give them what I had and then some. I am very aware that I wouldn't be able to do that with him. I already know what kind of life my child would have with him being the father. And I just refuse to put myself or a child through that. I already know I would basically be a single parent whether he's there or not and I am just not going to sit back and allow that to happen to me.

CentralOhioDad

Having a child with an A is not the way to raise a child - they deserve better. I didn't see the signs in my AW before we had our son. Plus, she really didn't start hitting the booze until after he was 1. Consider yourself blessed.

Adrian80

I know I'm blessed. He himself is a product of that environment. He was basically raised by his dad and step mom because his mom has struggled with alcohol and drug abuse for many years and he was subjected to a lot of her dysfunction and still somewhat is to this very day. He can continue that chain of dysfunction if he wants he just won't do it with me. I overhead him talking to an old friend about how bad he wanted for me to have his child even though he's aware that with his smoking and alcohol abuse he probably won't live to see that child grow up. All I could do was smh.

Adrian80

UPDATE: I went to take out my trash about 30 minutes ago and there was a note on my door saying that he is now banned from the property and if he's found in any apartment here that person's lease will immediately be terminated. Don't get upset with me because I'm upset enough with myself but I immediately felt I had been hit in the chest. Just seeing his name on that paper made me burst into tears. I'm somewhat angry with my manager because there are people here who have done far worse and they're still here. I know he did this to himself because he was asked just to stay away for a couple of days and he wouldn't even do that so it is his fault but I just hate that he's been made out to be this horrible person. On the flip side I feel maybe this is a blessing in disguise for the both of us. I've been praying for us both and maybe this is part of God's plan. I just don't want anything to happen to him and I will admit that being over here was not good for his sobriety because there's a lot of temptation here and he had been sober for a long time until he got over here and he's not going to get better here, no one does. His mom has been saying that for the longest. I tried calling his phone but his phone just goes to voicemail.
I know I have to let him find his way and I have to find mine but I can't stop my emotions that easily.

LexieCat

I'd stop calling him if I were you. Nothing good can come of it. And depending where you live, your landlord may not be able to evict you UNLESS you invite him over. In that case, all bets are off.

Look, this guy has been USING you, and you just told us how he was trashing you to others. And "manipulated" the condoms so you'd get pregnant without your consent. And you're upset because he's "been made out to be a horrible person"??

Seems to me that he's the one responsible for other people's perception of him. I get that you care for him (in spite of the horrible things he has done), but care for yourself for a change. You matter.

NightBird

Hello, I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

It seems to me he is manipulating you anyway he can. I had an ex like this. Spent 20 years of my life with him. Wasted years.

I know in your heart you still have feelings for him, but he is trying so hard to make you completely dependent on him. Once you are, he will really show his true colors.

Look up narcissim. I am quite sure you will see all of his behaviors listed.

Give yourself some time away from him, so you can get your head straight. You sound like a strong woman and you deserve so much more than this. Good Luck.

Adrian80

You're right. I wasn't expecting to see that note and when I did a myriad of emotions came over me. I'm the kind of person that don't love easily but I love hard and he's the first man I ever loved. I'm so focused on being patient with the hope of the man that I met will eventually come back that I'm ignoring the man that he has allowed himself to become. We both became enablers to each other. I didn't just enable him, he enabled me as well. He continued what I knew. My mom nor either of my grandmothers worked. My dad and my granddads worked hard to provide for their families and I was raised and taught that good men did that and he's that way. He would struggle and fight if he had to make sure I was comfortable. Like I said things have been good up until recently. He always treated me with respect. He let the world know that I was his woman. We really had no issues but I guess like they say if it's too good to be true it usually is.

I know you guys are right that's why I joined here so that I could find the strength and support to do what I have to do for myself. I honestly have been looking out for others for so long I don't know how to live for myself. I know I'll get better. Actually typing out the truth and reading it made me realize just how messed up everything is and if I was reading it as another person's story I would think she was crazy.

Adrian80

You're right and I had been telling him recently that he's a narcissistic person and honestly his mama is too. She's worst than him. I have come to realize that me being financially dependent upon him was more about him being in control because here lately he's been "reminding" me that he's the one that take cares of me. Even if I say that God has always looked out for me he'll tell me that he's the one looking out for me now. And there is no doubt in my mind that the baby is all about control. That's clear as day to me. He even told me he was trying to seal the deal and lock it down.

LexieCat

You aren't crazy. You are seriously affected by your ex-partner's alcoholism, as well as other problems from the past. You can work through those things. You deserve much better, and there are decent men out there who will treat you with respect, who do not have the issues this guy has.

My suggestion, though, is to keep the focus on yourself and your healing. I really strongly recommend that you find an Al-Anon group. Not to be confused with AA (which is for alcoholics)--Al-Anon is for friends and family who have been affected in the same kinds of ways you have. We ALL get a little crazy from living with the fallout from this disease, and Al-Anon can help you get your head put back on straight again.

Thomas45

I wouldn't blame the manager simply because there are other people in the apartment who have done bad things. That makes as much sense as getting angry at the police for stopping you for speeding when there's an unsolved murder case that's still open. Your ex picked a fight with the property manager, and the property manager banned him from the premises. That's just how consequences work in real life!

Adrian80

I know you guys are right. I'm just so worried about him because the main issue right now is that he's manic and anything can happen.
I'm just so afraid that he's going to run into someone who don't know he's sick and he do something to them and he end up hurt or even dead. My apartment manager said he saw him earlier on the grounds of a church that's next to us and he was just a singing and dancing and of course he had been drinking so he called the cops to have him committed into the hospital and here comes our old supervisor.
My apartment is a matter of feet away from the shelter we once worked at. She told the police that everything was my fault. That I was depriving him of his medicine and I was taking all his money. Basically repeating the crap that he told her this morning. She asked that he be release to her and they did and she let him go on about his business. My apartment manager pulled her to the side and told her what really was going on. Then she left and went about her business and now he's God knows where and I'm just worried.

AnvilheadII

it sounds like he is far more capable than you can see......

now is the time to worry about YOURSELF. take care of YOU. he will only bring MORE problems and MORE strife. your apartment manager will only have so much "good will" towards you, but if the EX keeps showing up and causing problems, calls to the cops, fights, etc, he may ask you to leave and take the drama with you.

hopeful4

In the business I am in, we do lots of commercial insurance, including rental properties. Sorry to say, his behavior is a huge liability to the landlord who is simply trying to protect himself from a bad situation. Don't take it personal.

As far as the rest, you are never going to have any peace until you go no contact with this man. I know it's hard. Truly. I do. However, I also know being with someone like this would be years of heartache and pain for you. You are thinking of all these scenerios that may happen to him. The reality is, it is time to think of what is going to happen to you if you continue down this road.

I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard. Keep reading, keep posting. Be strong. Hugs.

atalose

Sometimes God does for us what we are unable to do for ourselves.