dandylion

COD.....these days there are support groups for people preparing for, going through, or have divorced...which deals with all the issues that come up for those in that kind of circumstance......
I have heard very good things about peoples experience with this.....

to me....the better prepared for a difficult journey--the better!

dandylion

LexieCat

To whom are you hoping to "make a point"? If it's your wife, I'd forget about that. She doesn't care, and will probably respond to either course of action the same way.

If it's the court, I don't think filing for separation vs. divorce is going to undermine your credibility one bit. Many people opt for separation on the path to a divorce. I'd go with whatever will get your home stabilized the quickest. An attorney could give you the best advice on that.

jada1981

I echo so much of what has been said here. Is it exhausting taking care of the home and 2 little ones, all while working fulltime and running my own business? Absolutely. However, now that my STBXAH is out of the house, I swear the amount of energy I have has doubled simply because I am no longer dealing with the stress that comes with him and his issues. I think being 100% on my own and realizing I can do it ALL on my own is a really important step in my healing. Whenever I'm ready to move on and date, I will know that I don't NEED someone else to rely on. Only now that he's been out of the house for awhile, am I able to look back and really understand the craziness I was living in.

dandylion

LOL....looking from the historical perspective.....for eons....women have been raising much of the world's population without household help...and,often without any financial assistance and a minimum of resources. And, they have successfully gotten the young from the nest to independence.....

I'm thinking that if a woman can do it...men have the ability to do the same.....

dandylion

CentralOhioDad

I have no doubt in my mind I can do it!! I can't sew (which she can, but rarely does), but I cook, clean, do bills, do laundry, iron, kiss boo-boos away, etc. And, I can do it all, while being quite sober.

dandylion

COD....yea for you...as you have the practical stuff locked down......
Zero problema for you on that front.

Can you imagine how hard that would be if you were in the throes of alcoholism?
sometimes, the best thing for an alcoholic is to get out of their way...

dandylion

sauerkraut

Hi CoD,
In my state, according to my attorney, a separation costs the same as a divorce but has few legal consequences. Early on I considered it as an option but that was when I was looking for legal means to get my STBXAH to realize his problem was serious. Later, like you, I realized that I was ready to give up and move on.

P.S. It can be really nice on the other side.

hopeful4

Yes, a separation here was going to cost a lot as well, especially adding in the custody issue. I was advised by my attorney at that time that I was better off just to get a separate bank account and start building up my funds (I had nothing at that time). I was also better off b/c there was no custody agreement at that time, and my X had no interest in spending time w/my kids one on one.

In this state, once you file, there is an immediate stay preventing you from moving money, insurance, moving kids out of state, etc. Go against that and it's contempt of court.

All of that changed when I actually filed for divorce. However, it had gotten to the point of no return by then.

It's a process, and one that you should have good legal advise on.

LexieCat

Excellent points, hopeful. The real lesson here is that the law varies SIGNIFICANTLY from one state to another, and it's best to get professional guidance from a lawyer to determine what will be the best for your unique situation and concerns.

CentralOhioDad

I have a lawyer all lined up once I decide to make the next move. It's going to be a battle, especially in regards to custody. I have documented proof that she can't be a parent after DS goes to bed, so he should have ZERO overnight stays with her. That will P*** her off big-time, and she will fight hard for that.

I'm not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle this on my own - that's why we have lawyers

hopeful4

Definitely. I would try to negotiate with her as much as possible on your own. I took a huge financial hit, but got my X to agree to some things no judge would have put into our decree regarding his sobriety while having the kids.

Unfortunately, it's very, very common for a judge not to understand addiction and the focus it deserves in a custody battle. Fight, and fight hard COD for your child's safety. Also, if a GAL is going to be appointed, do your research as to one who will understand addiction. Here you each get one strike when it comes to the GAL, so research is advance is well worth your time.

Just a couple things I thought I would throw out there in case it helps at all.

AnvilheadII

It's going to be a battle, especially in regards to custody.

maybe and maybe not. hell, she may do backflips down the center aisle of the court, yelling Free at last, Free at last!

while certainly it is important to have your ducks in a row, and be prepared for whatever may transpire, perhaps don't go into this as if it IS a BATTLE.....try not to come from a place of WAR. i also don't think i'd be having many discussions with HER about your plans. never hand the opponent weapons........keep it simple, keep it sane, and move forward.

LexieCat

Yup, what Anvil said.

Sometimes going at things in a low-key way is effective. The more adversarial you start out, the more she will feel attacked, with the attendant need to defend herself. Not to say you shouldn't be prepared if SHE wants to make this a war, but you don't have to fire the first shot.

The point is, don't future-trip too much. And don't assume that her initial, indignant reactions will be sustained throughout.

Be prepared, but address issues as they arise. It may not be as bad as you think it will be.

CentralOhioDad

She's too dependent on me to do backflips - everything she's told me previously about divorce is all quacking - she's got it good being with me.

Also, she lost a baby years ago, and is very attached to our son. She has told me many times the reason that she hasn't followed thru on thoughts of killing herself was because of him. So, I know she will fight to the end for custody.

I will approach it as calmly as I can, and not worry too much about the 'what ifs' - that's why the more prepared I am mentally, the better I can handle it.

hopeful4

I think that is a very solid stance COD. The what if's are unhealthy and have gotten me to a bad place before. Have faith, move forward calmly, and with as much knowledge and legal advise as you can obtain.

You are doing great.