Would you marry an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I am frustrated. I am fed up. Cant live with him, Cant live without him. Well, At least if I live without him I will not be constantly in the fear of witnessing another seizure.
There is a saying here, if you want to know if an A is in recovery tell them "no" and see how they react. You told your guy "no". How has he reacted?
1. By pulling out every manipulative trick he's got.
2. By guilt tripping you.
3. By putting you in the role of policing him (the breathalyzer)
4. By losing his job (not to say he lost it on purpose but he did lose it), which heaps more guilt and anxiety on you for not rescuing him. Does he say, "please don't worry about me, I'm looking for other jobs constantly and I'll manage just fine, this is not your problem"?
5. By implying you are responsible for his sobriety which is the same as
6. Implicitly threatening to relapse if you don't start saying "yes"
This is not a man in recovery. Maybe one day he will be but he's not there now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Hoping,
The dynamics of relationships with alcoholics easily turn us into addicts ourselves.
Here is something that might help you get over this addiction: https://thelovelyaddict.com/2012/04/...-a-difference/
The dynamics of relationships with alcoholics easily turn us into addicts ourselves.
Here is something that might help you get over this addiction: https://thelovelyaddict.com/2012/04/...-a-difference/
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
I married one when I was eighteen. Got out after I turned 21. He stalked me for a year. Dated two more after that. Finally ended up in a 23 year relationship with an alcoholic partner I did not marry. He died from the complications of his disease.
I am now free. My only response to this question is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc
I am now free. My only response to this question is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
I just want to share something I did and I would greatly appreciate the suggestions. Last week, I was in the same city as my ex for work, I did not tell him that I was going to be there and I surprised him at his apartment. He was actually glad to see me. I spent a good chunk of time there and did not find any alcohol. I also know that he was 100% sober. He is not in a recovery program. And when I asked him about it, he, for the first time said that he does not want to lead me on. If I never decide to come back to him, that is fine. He will not go into therapy. He has quit alcohol and will stay sober on his own regardless of whether I am in his life or not. I remember a couple of months ago he said he was going to go into therapy if he has me back and that was a red flag. But this time he did not put any conditions. It was the "sober" person in him talking and this person seemed very confident. I am not saying that this makes everything ok or that we are back together. I just need your honest suggestions.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd wait a good, LONG stretch before considering resuming a relationship with him. There are some people who get sober (and stay that way) without any formal "program" or therapy. Generally, they are people who do similar kinds of internal work on themselves, not those who just put down the drink without making other changes.
Of course, there's never any guarantee that ANY alcoholic--even those with many years in AA--won't relapse. But certainly time is an indicator of whether they will stay sober.
I'd just be VERY cautious and see what happens. Only time will tell.
Of course, there's never any guarantee that ANY alcoholic--even those with many years in AA--won't relapse. But certainly time is an indicator of whether they will stay sober.
I'd just be VERY cautious and see what happens. Only time will tell.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'd wait a good, LONG stretch before considering resuming a relationship with him. There are some people who get sober (and stay that way) without any formal "program" or therapy. Generally, they are people who do similar kinds of internal work on themselves, not those who just put down the drink without making other changes.
Of course, there's never any guarantee that ANY alcoholic--even those with many years in AA--won't relapse. But certainly time is an indicator of whether they will stay sober.
I'd just be VERY cautious and see what happens. Only time will tell.
Of course, there's never any guarantee that ANY alcoholic--even those with many years in AA--won't relapse. But certainly time is an indicator of whether they will stay sober.
I'd just be VERY cautious and see what happens. Only time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Honest suggestion, stop feeding your addiction fantasies. This man who just weeks ago lost his job and was bargaining with you to let him move back in. He was going to do what it takes by sending you breathalizer results, attend AA, go to therapy...........................what happened to all of that stuff? Now he's telling you he's going to do it all on his own AGAIN just like he did before, which ends with him drinking. And so they cycle continues for him in the life he knows, the life that's most comfortable for him.
Is that the life you want to live? He's telling you exactly who and how he is, believe him??? Any other spin you wish to put on this reality is fantasy and potential and any time we bet on potential we lose.
Is that the life you want to live? He's telling you exactly who and how he is, believe him??? Any other spin you wish to put on this reality is fantasy and potential and any time we bet on potential we lose.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'd pass. I don't see anything of benefit for you here expect certain disappointment, and a lot of heartache. No recovery plan = dry drunk, relapse in waiting.
Contrary to many beliefs alcoholics can quit drinking for long periods of time WITHOUT recovery plan. His comment that "I will not go to therapy" = I see how you have spun that to "mean" something this time, because last time it was a "conditional" promise IF you got back together with him. The whole experience is a "proof" of his commitment, you surprise him and he isn't drinking (proves something). He is sober (proves something) He tells you he doesn't want to hurt lead you on (proves something) Seemed confident (proves something). Proves NOTHING> not in the career of a long time alcoholic!
Time is what proves something, . Actions + time + recovery plan = potential.
As Atalose said, I wouldn't bet on potential (your odds are better in penny stocks, or at a casino). Give it a year. See where he is then.
Contrary to many beliefs alcoholics can quit drinking for long periods of time WITHOUT recovery plan. His comment that "I will not go to therapy" = I see how you have spun that to "mean" something this time, because last time it was a "conditional" promise IF you got back together with him. The whole experience is a "proof" of his commitment, you surprise him and he isn't drinking (proves something). He is sober (proves something) He tells you he doesn't want to hurt lead you on (proves something) Seemed confident (proves something). Proves NOTHING> not in the career of a long time alcoholic!
Time is what proves something, . Actions + time + recovery plan = potential.
As Atalose said, I wouldn't bet on potential (your odds are better in penny stocks, or at a casino). Give it a year. See where he is then.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HopingForCure.....as for my take on this---he doesn't know JACK about alcoholism. He is still in denial.
Just because he is in denial and ignorant of the disease.....doesn't mean that YOU have to be!
Keep reading and keep LEARNING......
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
Just because he is in denial and ignorant of the disease.....doesn't mean that YOU have to be!
Keep reading and keep LEARNING......
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 8
I married one. Walked on egg shells for 5 years then found him dead on Memorial Day. I'm now a 35 year old widow to 2 littles (under 4). Run! Get strong. Figure out why you feel the need to rescue. Put your rescuing skills into animals or a social services job. Not your marriage. Marriage should be a partnership.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I'd pass. I don't see anything of benefit for you here expect certain disappointment, and a lot of heartache. No recovery plan = dry drunk, relapse in waiting.
Contrary to many beliefs alcoholics can quit drinking for long periods of time WITHOUT recovery plan. His comment that "I will not go to therapy" = I see how you have spun that to "mean" something this time, because last time it was a "conditional" promise IF you got back together with him. The whole experience is a "proof" of his commitment, you surprise him and he isn't drinking (proves something). He is sober (proves something) He tells you he doesn't want to hurt lead you on (proves something) Seemed confident (proves something). Proves NOTHING> not in the career of a long time alcoholic!
Time is what proves something, . Actions + time + recovery plan = potential.
As Atalose said, I wouldn't bet on potential (your odds are better in penny stocks, or at a casino). Give it a year. See where he is then.
Contrary to many beliefs alcoholics can quit drinking for long periods of time WITHOUT recovery plan. His comment that "I will not go to therapy" = I see how you have spun that to "mean" something this time, because last time it was a "conditional" promise IF you got back together with him. The whole experience is a "proof" of his commitment, you surprise him and he isn't drinking (proves something). He is sober (proves something) He tells you he doesn't want to hurt lead you on (proves something) Seemed confident (proves something). Proves NOTHING> not in the career of a long time alcoholic!
Time is what proves something, . Actions + time + recovery plan = potential.
As Atalose said, I wouldn't bet on potential (your odds are better in penny stocks, or at a casino). Give it a year. See where he is then.
Thank you. This makes perfect sense. I have realized that there is NOTHING, nothing I can do to push him towards seeking treatment.
I have cried, begged, yelled, threatened to leave, actually left, done everything I could do to push him towards a program. He still believes that he can do this on his own, despite failing so many times in the past. One good this is that I no longer feel guilty about his situation. He is making this choice of trying to do this on his own. Its his choice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
I even suggested that he stays unemployed and focus on his recovery and my pay would be enough for the two of us. We can live next door to his parents or have them move in with us (culturally this is acceptable) so we have their emotional support and we can help him over come this as a family. His answer was no.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
I even suggested that he stays unemployed and focus on his recovery and my pay would be enough for the two of us. We can live next door to his parents or have them move in with us (culturally this is acceptable) so we have their emotional support and we can help him over come this as a family. His answer was no.
I can see how desperate you are to make things work with him, and it's ultimately your decision. Whatever you choose, please examine your attraction to this man who is so obviously broken and unhealthy. Of all the men in the world, why is this one worth ignoring so many warnings and red flags? Go beyond the knee jerk- I love him, he's a great guy when he's sober/not having withdrawal seizures, instant chemistry- and figure out really what is so appealing about this relationship.
I was always attracted to men who I thought "needed" me. I loved being the fixer, the rescuer. I thought that once I did enough (whatever that meant) that the other person would not only become the perfect partner, but also be so grateful to me that they could never leave. Check into some therapy or Alanon meetings to get to the bottom of this. I wish I had done that sooner, instead of repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Wow. Please check into some support for yourself. I used to try to tag team with my ex's parents trying to manipulate situations to get him sober. I know you feel like it's helping, but an arrangement like that would just end up making all of you crazy, with everyone's well-being dependent on his sobriety. He did you all a huge favor by saying no.
I can see how desperate you are to make things work with him, and it's ultimately your decision. Whatever you choose, please examine your attraction to this man who is so obviously broken and unhealthy. Of all the men in the world, why is this one worth ignoring so many warnings and red flags? Go beyond the knee jerk- I love him, he's a great guy when he's sober/not having withdrawal seizures, instant chemistry- and figure out really what is so appealing about this relationship.
I was always attracted to men who I thought "needed" me. I loved being the fixer, the rescuer. I thought that once I did enough (whatever that meant) that the other person would not only become the perfect partner, but also be so grateful to me that they could never leave. Check into some therapy or Alanon meetings to get to the bottom of this. I wish I had done that sooner, instead of repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over.
I can see how desperate you are to make things work with him, and it's ultimately your decision. Whatever you choose, please examine your attraction to this man who is so obviously broken and unhealthy. Of all the men in the world, why is this one worth ignoring so many warnings and red flags? Go beyond the knee jerk- I love him, he's a great guy when he's sober/not having withdrawal seizures, instant chemistry- and figure out really what is so appealing about this relationship.
I was always attracted to men who I thought "needed" me. I loved being the fixer, the rescuer. I thought that once I did enough (whatever that meant) that the other person would not only become the perfect partner, but also be so grateful to me that they could never leave. Check into some therapy or Alanon meetings to get to the bottom of this. I wish I had done that sooner, instead of repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Abuse doesn't CAUSE alcoholism, though. Many abused kids do not develop problems with addiction, and many kids with wonderful childhoods (like mine) wind up with addiction problems.
Sometimes problems can make alcohol attractive, but that's about as far as it goes. Obviously if one NEVER drinks, alcoholism will never develop.
Nobody quite knows what causes it, though there is probably some aspect of it that is genetic.
Anyway, regardless of the reason, recovery is available to all who are willing to do the hard work to get sober and stay that way. He isn't helpless, or hopeless. Just--at this point, anyway--unwilling or unready.
Sometimes problems can make alcohol attractive, but that's about as far as it goes. Obviously if one NEVER drinks, alcoholism will never develop.
Nobody quite knows what causes it, though there is probably some aspect of it that is genetic.
Anyway, regardless of the reason, recovery is available to all who are willing to do the hard work to get sober and stay that way. He isn't helpless, or hopeless. Just--at this point, anyway--unwilling or unready.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HopingForCure.....keep rereading LadyScribbler's post....she makes some really good points....
I can, also, see how desperate you are to get him fixed so that you can "keep" him. It is heartbreaking....
I know that you don't understand the nature of the disease..just like he doesn't.
Sweetening the pot won't help---it will, actually, make it worse! While offering for him to stay unemployed and moving his parents in. I am sure, were well intended---it is actually enabling. He has to walk it alone. Like every alcoholic who achieves genuine recovery..they walked it alone......
Please read the articles in "Classic Readings"....in the stickies at the top of the front page. It is a bootcamp of education on alcoholism and co-dependency....
You won't find better collection any where!
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
***AA offers the kind of fellowship that is helpful to an alcoholic....it is there 24/7....
AA can help in ways that family, or spouses, or friends are unable to....
I can, also, see how desperate you are to get him fixed so that you can "keep" him. It is heartbreaking....
I know that you don't understand the nature of the disease..just like he doesn't.
Sweetening the pot won't help---it will, actually, make it worse! While offering for him to stay unemployed and moving his parents in. I am sure, were well intended---it is actually enabling. He has to walk it alone. Like every alcoholic who achieves genuine recovery..they walked it alone......
Please read the articles in "Classic Readings"....in the stickies at the top of the front page. It is a bootcamp of education on alcoholism and co-dependency....
You won't find better collection any where!
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
***AA offers the kind of fellowship that is helpful to an alcoholic....it is there 24/7....
AA can help in ways that family, or spouses, or friends are unable to....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Dear Hoping,
I'm sorry for your pain.
I must say something in regards to your statement: "He has gone through a lot of abuse as a child and that's what led him to alcohol." I don't believe that, I'm sorry. He made a choice to pick up a bottle, his childhood didn't do that.
There was a story recently about a high school athlete who had siblings will all different last names, a drug and alcohol-addicted mother, he lived with his verbally and physically abusive aunt to get away from his mother, and then he left there and has been living on friends' couches for 3 years to finish up high school. He made the honor roll, he lettered in 3 sports, he was involved in the community. This boy has not had a birthday party in 10 years, and he's only 17 years old.
Why am I telling you this story? Because this boy made the right choices. He could have followed in the footsteps of his mother and aunt, but he rose above that. People can take the easy way out and blame their past and their situation, or they can work hard and do better for themselves and their future.
My .02
COD
I'm sorry for your pain.
I must say something in regards to your statement: "He has gone through a lot of abuse as a child and that's what led him to alcohol." I don't believe that, I'm sorry. He made a choice to pick up a bottle, his childhood didn't do that.
There was a story recently about a high school athlete who had siblings will all different last names, a drug and alcohol-addicted mother, he lived with his verbally and physically abusive aunt to get away from his mother, and then he left there and has been living on friends' couches for 3 years to finish up high school. He made the honor roll, he lettered in 3 sports, he was involved in the community. This boy has not had a birthday party in 10 years, and he's only 17 years old.
Why am I telling you this story? Because this boy made the right choices. He could have followed in the footsteps of his mother and aunt, but he rose above that. People can take the easy way out and blame their past and their situation, or they can work hard and do better for themselves and their future.
My .02
COD
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Hoping,
Please donīt fall into the trap of the sad childhood! I suffered from that myself practically all my life with my dad, He did have terrible, extremely traumatic experiences as a little boy, but does that give him permission to damage everyone around him?
Itīs extremely difficult to remember yourself when youīre feeling sorry for someone else. And it never ends, you will meet broken people all the time, one after another.
Please donīt fall into the trap of the sad childhood! I suffered from that myself practically all my life with my dad, He did have terrible, extremely traumatic experiences as a little boy, but does that give him permission to damage everyone around him?
Itīs extremely difficult to remember yourself when youīre feeling sorry for someone else. And it never ends, you will meet broken people all the time, one after another.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know that I would put it all down to a matter of "making the right choices"--I've been around alcoholics in recovery for over 35 years, and firmly believe that addiction isn't a matter of "choice"--nobody chooses to become an alcoholic. As I said above, it's complicated and even the experts don't understand why one person develops it and others never do.
The option of recovery is there for anyone who develops an addiction to alcohol or drugs, though, and ultimately THAT choice is theirs to make. Even the ability to make that choice is impaired by the effects of alcoholism, though, which is why so many people remain trapped in their addictions. The best thing in those situations is to save ourselves, because we sure can't save them.
The option of recovery is there for anyone who develops an addiction to alcohol or drugs, though, and ultimately THAT choice is theirs to make. Even the ability to make that choice is impaired by the effects of alcoholism, though, which is why so many people remain trapped in their addictions. The best thing in those situations is to save ourselves, because we sure can't save them.
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