Would you marry an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Breakups are super exhausting, mentally and physically.
Living with active alcoholism is all of those things as well.....but add soul sucking, mind numbing, absolute chaos, crazy making and a depressing downward spiral.....with no end in sight.
Functioning alcoholics DO NOT last that way forever, and if you are his only motivation to quit, quitting won't last forever either.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Thank you so much!
Just ordered my copy of "CO-Dependent No More"
As for why I would even contemplate marrying him...this may sound very stupid coming from a 35 year old, I really love him. He always treated me like a princess, whether he was drunk or sober.
But he also lied to me multiple times and no matter how hard I try, something in me tells me that its not him lying, its his alcoholism that is making him lie which he has little control over. But again, there are so many alcoholics out there who have successfully recovered. My heart goes out to him. This is so difficult to deal with.
Just ordered my copy of "CO-Dependent No More"
As for why I would even contemplate marrying him...this may sound very stupid coming from a 35 year old, I really love him. He always treated me like a princess, whether he was drunk or sober.
But he also lied to me multiple times and no matter how hard I try, something in me tells me that its not him lying, its his alcoholism that is making him lie which he has little control over. But again, there are so many alcoholics out there who have successfully recovered. My heart goes out to him. This is so difficult to deal with.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ I echo this...my exs only reason to quit was me. It lasted a couple of weeks, if that. He's still drinking after having lost so much-bc he doesn't really want to stop. It's not YOUR job to be his reason to quit-he has to quit for himself.
He says he loves you but you don't lie to
Someone you love. Period. Actions speak much louder than words. He's an alcoholic-he's not two different people. It's all HIM. And yes, there are many recovered alcoholic out there-who I'm sure would call out your partner for the crap he's pulling (asking you to monitor his breathalyzer, etc). As for your assertion that it's out of his control, that is false as well-he DOES have the ability to get help. That is well within his control. Those that recover work each day to not drink again and live an honest life-and do not pin it on other people, it's all on their shoulders. Your partner may NEVER choose this. Finally, you feel so badly for him, you feel for him-but does he feel for you ?! I doubt he's sitting at home right now thinking, "gosh, I feel so bad for lying to her all the time....". What about YOU?!
Hop off the crazy train, friend.
He says he loves you but you don't lie to
Someone you love. Period. Actions speak much louder than words. He's an alcoholic-he's not two different people. It's all HIM. And yes, there are many recovered alcoholic out there-who I'm sure would call out your partner for the crap he's pulling (asking you to monitor his breathalyzer, etc). As for your assertion that it's out of his control, that is false as well-he DOES have the ability to get help. That is well within his control. Those that recover work each day to not drink again and live an honest life-and do not pin it on other people, it's all on their shoulders. Your partner may NEVER choose this. Finally, you feel so badly for him, you feel for him-but does he feel for you ?! I doubt he's sitting at home right now thinking, "gosh, I feel so bad for lying to her all the time....". What about YOU?!
Hop off the crazy train, friend.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
^ As for your assertion that it's out of his control, that is false as well-he DOES have the ability to get help. That is well within his control. Those that recover work each day to not drink again and live an honest life-and do not pin it on other people, it's all on their shoulders. Your partner may NEVER choose this. Finally, you feel so badly for him, you feel for him-but does he feel for you ?! I doubt he's sitting at home right now thinking, "gosh, I feel so bad for lying to her all the time....". What about YOU?!
Hop off the crazy train, friend.
Hop off the crazy train, friend.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Yes, HFC, Forourgirls said a mouthful there, I'd agree. And this, from you
is something I have to bear in mind whenever I start feeling sorry for XAH (together 21 years, married 19). There ARE many A's out there who've recovered. It can be done. But it takes hard work, painful honesty and a burning desire for recovery. I couldn't do those things for XAH. You can't do them for your guy, either.
But again, there are so many alcoholics out there who have successfully recovered.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
no, no, and NO
I met a wonderful man who cheerfully and proudly told me he was alcoholic, and had been sober for 15 years. I did think to ask him what kind of recovery he followed....and he said "none" I just quit on my own.
This should have been my first red flag. What subsequently happened, was that he was showing a progressive anxiety...inability to deal with normal life things, complaining about his great job, socially isolating...ect. (more red flags)
In the end....a surgery, stint on narcotic pain meds, and full blown relapse. He nearly died from it, but not before his crazy cost the marriage, and me over $30,000 to keep my house (that I had many years before the marriage). It was only then....I sincerely started to learn about the disease of alcoholism and threw myself into Al Anon.
It's taken me years to stop beating myself up: "WHY in the hell didn't I take the time to learn about this disease THOROUGHLY before making such a big decision like marriage?? My own codependent thinking: He MUST be ok...since he was sober so long. First of all....how do I really know how long he was sober?? And being sober is NOT the same as in recovery. He was just a dry drunk. Repeated phases of crazy active alcoholism interspersed with periods of sober.
Lesson learned. Don't do it! If you feel you must....PLEASE go to Al Anon and read, learn, absorb everything you can about the disease. When you feel you have a grip on that, as well as why you would would want an alcoholic....then make the decision.
This should have been my first red flag. What subsequently happened, was that he was showing a progressive anxiety...inability to deal with normal life things, complaining about his great job, socially isolating...ect. (more red flags)
In the end....a surgery, stint on narcotic pain meds, and full blown relapse. He nearly died from it, but not before his crazy cost the marriage, and me over $30,000 to keep my house (that I had many years before the marriage). It was only then....I sincerely started to learn about the disease of alcoholism and threw myself into Al Anon.
It's taken me years to stop beating myself up: "WHY in the hell didn't I take the time to learn about this disease THOROUGHLY before making such a big decision like marriage?? My own codependent thinking: He MUST be ok...since he was sober so long. First of all....how do I really know how long he was sober?? And being sober is NOT the same as in recovery. He was just a dry drunk. Repeated phases of crazy active alcoholism interspersed with periods of sober.
Lesson learned. Don't do it! If you feel you must....PLEASE go to Al Anon and read, learn, absorb everything you can about the disease. When you feel you have a grip on that, as well as why you would would want an alcoholic....then make the decision.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m finding it very hard to understand how an alcoholic who’s made several attempts to quit all on his own which resulted in seizures is now staying sober because of a breathalyzer you insisted on him getting. He texts you the results ever 6-8 hours or whenever you ask. Alcoholic lie, he’s proven that to you so who’s to say he’s not lying about the test results.
How long has it been that he’s been sober? When is his therapy appointment? What medications is he planning on taking? All of these things he SAYS sound great but when are they to become actions?
You use the words terrified of being away from him………….why? What terrifies you the most?
How long has it been that he’s been sober? When is his therapy appointment? What medications is he planning on taking? All of these things he SAYS sound great but when are they to become actions?
You use the words terrified of being away from him………….why? What terrifies you the most?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nobody's saying you have to dump him this instant. We're just saying don't complicate your life by legally entangling yours with his--not unless/until he has been COMPLETELY sober for at least a year (and hopefully working a program that will help him when the challenges of life come knocking at his door--as they do for us all).
Keep your eyes open, get support for yourself so you can make good decisions for your own future.
Keep your eyes open, get support for yourself so you can make good decisions for your own future.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
But he also lied to me multiple times and no matter how hard I try, something in me tells me that its not him lying, its his alcoholism that is making him lie which he has little control over. But again, there are so many alcoholics out there who have successfully recovered. My heart goes out to him. This is so difficult to deal with.
after that I couldn't honestly blame alcoholism for my actions. I took accountability for my past actions and responsibility for future ones.
yup, I sure told a crapton of lies, but it was ME that allowed it to happen. it was ME that allowed alcoholism to get bad.
HOWEVER
I accepted that because I WANTED sobriety.
would I marry an alcoholic?
ONLY if I decided I didn't want to love myself any more and wanedt insanity in my life daily.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by atalose
I’m finding it very hard to understand how an alcoholic who’s made several attempts to quit all on his own which resulted in seizures is now staying sober because of a breathalyzer you insisted on him getting. He texts you the results ever 6-8 hours or whenever you ask. Alcoholic lie, he’s proven that to you so who’s to say he’s not lying about the test results.
How long has it been that he’s been sober? When is his therapy appointment? What medications is he planning on taking? All of these things he SAYS sound great but when are they to become actions?
You use the words terrified of being away from him………….why? What terrifies you the most?
How long has it been that he’s been sober? When is his therapy appointment? What medications is he planning on taking? All of these things he SAYS sound great but when are they to become actions?
You use the words terrified of being away from him………….why? What terrifies you the most?
The problem is that, he has a full time job + Sheriff's work program on weekends (due to DUI) + DUI classes to go to. This leaves him with no time for additional therapy sessions or AA meetings. He also doesnt have a license so he has to go to all of these places by Uber, which costs alot.
But if I say that we are "back together" he will consider going to an out-patient therapy.
As far as medication is concerned, I researched that naltrexone can help you with the craving and he is considering it.
As far as I am concerned, I just worry about him and miss him a lot when I am not in touch with him. It took me so long to finally find someone that I have chemistry with.. Now to go through the whole dating process and finding someone else just terrifies me. Then there are family and friends who judge you for being 35 and single, the social stigma around broken engagement...its too much to handle.
I understand things could be worse. I suffered through all those relapses and cannot imagine what I would have done if I was already married to him with kids. I am definitely in a much better position now. But that doesnt makes it easy.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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^ um, hun, I'm 37 and single, a full time single mom, full time worker, friend, coach, employee and am happier than I've ever been. Staying with someone bc you're afraid of the stigma of being single, etc or that you don't want to have to find someone else is horrible...I'm just going to say it. THOSe things are what you need to work on-those are your issues: why are YOU not enough that you would settle for someone? You are worthy.
Btw, you gotta stop researching stuff for him-that is Codie classic behavior (trust me, guilty as charged for years)...IF he wants help or wants to take pills, he is not an invalid-he can find the information himself. Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling, and in this situation controlling as well-bc you are specifically doing it for your desired outcome....
End the madness!!!!
Btw, you gotta stop researching stuff for him-that is Codie classic behavior (trust me, guilty as charged for years)...IF he wants help or wants to take pills, he is not an invalid-he can find the information himself. Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling, and in this situation controlling as well-bc you are specifically doing it for your desired outcome....
End the madness!!!!
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Sorry, but I have to call bs on this
"But if I say that we are "back together" he will consider going to an out-patient therapy." This tells me he's not serious of becoming sober and harder yet is to stay sober. Recovery is something you do for yourself. Not to please and appease someone else.
"But if I say that we are "back together" he will consider going to an out-patient therapy." This tells me he's not serious of becoming sober and harder yet is to stay sober. Recovery is something you do for yourself. Not to please and appease someone else.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
I was with an alcoholic for 20 years, 19 married. At 44 years old, I sure hope I can spot the warning signs and red flags the second time around. I am not even sure I feel confident enough in myself to consider dating at this point. I can say that I will never date or marry an active alcoholic. I don't even know if I could date or marry a recovering one. I don't think I could date someone that even drinks socially at this point. How would I know that they weren't drinking alcoholically when I wasn't around? I think I'd rather just stay single then I won't have to worry about it!
Sue
Sue
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I don't suppose too many princesses are left watching on in horror as their partner has an alcohol induced seizure. I suspect he tells you you're his princess, rather than actually treats you like one. He treats you like his social worker / nurse / probation officer, not a princess.
If he's going to stay sober, he's likely to need help from some kind of recovery program. If he's unwilling to seek this and engage in it, then he's unlikely to stay willing to not drink when push comes to shove.
I'm glad you ordered that book. Please read it with an open mind and a willing heart. You deserve better than a life with the threat of relapse overview head if you ever say or do anything to upset him. It sounds like he's putting the boundaries up at the moment. He'll do this if you do that. I suggest that YOU work out YOUR boundaries and let him know what they are quicksmart if you intend to stay with him.
Even if you stay with him, you'd do well to protect yourself from any unnecessary enmeshment, legally or financially, until he is far, far more stable, and you know for sure what you want. There is no need for joint accounts, shared contracts, marriage certificates, etc. They give a false sense of security, and just make it harder to disentangle yourself from him if he does relapse and you want to have your life back.
If he's going to stay sober, he's likely to need help from some kind of recovery program. If he's unwilling to seek this and engage in it, then he's unlikely to stay willing to not drink when push comes to shove.
I'm glad you ordered that book. Please read it with an open mind and a willing heart. You deserve better than a life with the threat of relapse overview head if you ever say or do anything to upset him. It sounds like he's putting the boundaries up at the moment. He'll do this if you do that. I suggest that YOU work out YOUR boundaries and let him know what they are quicksmart if you intend to stay with him.
Even if you stay with him, you'd do well to protect yourself from any unnecessary enmeshment, legally or financially, until he is far, far more stable, and you know for sure what you want. There is no need for joint accounts, shared contracts, marriage certificates, etc. They give a false sense of security, and just make it harder to disentangle yourself from him if he does relapse and you want to have your life back.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Berrybean
I don't suppose too many princesses are left watching on in horror as their partner has an alcohol induced seizure. I suspect he tells you you're his princess, rather than actually treats you like one. He treats you like his social worker / nurse / probation officer, not a princess..
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
"But if I say that we are "back together" he will consider going to an out-patient therapy."
This is not someone that wants to get better. This is someone that wants a hostage to go down with the ship with him.
I'm sorry. It is very hard to let go of someone you love, and it truly comes down to just loving yourself more than anything.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Yep - this.
This is not someone that wants to get better. This is someone that wants a hostage to go down with the ship with him.
I'm sorry. It is very hard to let go of someone you love, and it truly comes down to just loving yourself more than anything.
This is not someone that wants to get better. This is someone that wants a hostage to go down with the ship with him.
I'm sorry. It is very hard to let go of someone you love, and it truly comes down to just loving yourself more than anything.
Bull. Crap.
I refuse to be conned into believing (again) that my presence is required for his recovery. The only thing my presence is required for is softening the blow of real life for him, while he continues to drink himself into oblivion.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
THIS! Exactly!!
Btw, you gotta stop researching stuff for him-that is Codie classic behavior (trust me, guilty as charged for years)...IF he wants help or wants to take pills, he is not an invalid-
he can find the information himself. Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling, and in this situation controlling as well-bc you are specifically doing it for your desired outcome....
Here's what I can tell you. If I knew within the first couple of dates that my exabf was an active alcoholic I would have bolted so quickly skid marks would have been left.
It is an exhausting lifestyle. I swear I can see the strain of that relationship on my face every single morning.
Love??? Love conquers all??? Not this honey. Does he love you? I'm sure he does why wouldn't he, right? But is his kind of love the same kind of love that you are looking for? Giving to him yourself? I doubt it.
The fact that YOU are in a position that YOU are playing policeman to his drinking is really not cool. The cold hard facts?
If he really wanted to stop drinking he would do everything in his power to do so.
He is nowhere close to committing himself to a life of sobriety.
He will do/say (lie) anything to appease you so he can continue the lifestyle that he currently leads.
It's his world and you are just living in it because you are tolerating it.
Kick him to the curb and watch what happens. The man that loved you soooo much will replace you with a new enabler.
This is MY truth.
What should you do??
RUN!!! RUN LIKE YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!
You deserve Soooooo much more ( we all do )
Xo Ro
Btw, you gotta stop researching stuff for him-that is Codie classic behavior (trust me, guilty as charged for years)...IF he wants help or wants to take pills, he is not an invalid-
he can find the information himself. Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling, and in this situation controlling as well-bc you are specifically doing it for your desired outcome....
Here's what I can tell you. If I knew within the first couple of dates that my exabf was an active alcoholic I would have bolted so quickly skid marks would have been left.
It is an exhausting lifestyle. I swear I can see the strain of that relationship on my face every single morning.
Love??? Love conquers all??? Not this honey. Does he love you? I'm sure he does why wouldn't he, right? But is his kind of love the same kind of love that you are looking for? Giving to him yourself? I doubt it.
The fact that YOU are in a position that YOU are playing policeman to his drinking is really not cool. The cold hard facts?
If he really wanted to stop drinking he would do everything in his power to do so.
He is nowhere close to committing himself to a life of sobriety.
He will do/say (lie) anything to appease you so he can continue the lifestyle that he currently leads.
It's his world and you are just living in it because you are tolerating it.
Kick him to the curb and watch what happens. The man that loved you soooo much will replace you with a new enabler.
This is MY truth.
What should you do??
RUN!!! RUN LIKE YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!
You deserve Soooooo much more ( we all do )
Xo Ro
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