Would you marry an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by HopingForCure 
Thank you so much for the responses.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
The guilt that you might feel for 'abandoning' him pales in comparison to the emotional anguish that will build up over time with an active alcoholic. And if he gets the shakes, like somebody else mentioned, his alcoholism has a firm grasp on him and will be in pure, aggressive survival mode. Don't be surprised by hidden drinking, accusations that you're the reason he drinks, lies, and/or adultery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
No.
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
I am engaged to an alcoholic. He gets alcohol withdrawal seizures. We have been together for 2 years now. He has been an alcoholic for 7.
3 months ago, I quit on our relationship and moved out. Since then, he has tried quitting multiple times and failed and have had 2 seizures.
Getting over him has been exhausting and so I decided to give him another chance. He has bought a breathalyzer and he texts me his test result every 6-8 hours or whenever I ask. He said he will go to therapy again and also take medications if that will increase our chances to get back together. I am scared of going back to him. But I am also terrified of being away from him because I love him. Would you marry an alcoholic?
3 months ago, I quit on our relationship and moved out. Since then, he has tried quitting multiple times and failed and have had 2 seizures.
Getting over him has been exhausting and so I decided to give him another chance. He has bought a breathalyzer and he texts me his test result every 6-8 hours or whenever I ask. He said he will go to therapy again and also take medications if that will increase our chances to get back together. I am scared of going back to him. But I am also terrified of being away from him because I love him. Would you marry an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
How about: To h&ll with the guilt, run away and never look back.
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
Thank you so much for the responses.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again.
I greatly appreciate the advice.
God Bless You all
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again.
I greatly appreciate the advice.
God Bless You all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Alcoholism isn't like cancer; cancer patients don't go to the store to buy more cancer.
As for the initial question: NO.
When I first got here (re my then abf) I was told Run like your hair is on fire! That was the best advice I couldīve received, Iīm so happy I listened to it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Hoping,
I can see the conundrum you're in since you suggested the breathalyzer and he's following through on it, which is positive.
However, in addition to what others are saying above, in my experience staying with an active alcoholic allows the person to continue with the status quo. In other words, it might seem like we're being helpful and supportive to someone who is ill, but what many of us find is that our presence in various ways enables them to continue drinking.
If you don't want to to give up on him, what about proposing that he go for a certain very long period of time sober and then give you a call? He could even establish a record of his sobriety, using something like Soberlink, to show you that he's serious and recovering. But I agree with others in not setting yourself up as the sobriety police.
That said, better for you is to cut bait before you're any more enmeshed with someone who is sick and doesn't seem to be fully committed to recovery.
I can see the conundrum you're in since you suggested the breathalyzer and he's following through on it, which is positive.
However, in addition to what others are saying above, in my experience staying with an active alcoholic allows the person to continue with the status quo. In other words, it might seem like we're being helpful and supportive to someone who is ill, but what many of us find is that our presence in various ways enables them to continue drinking.
If you don't want to to give up on him, what about proposing that he go for a certain very long period of time sober and then give you a call? He could even establish a record of his sobriety, using something like Soberlink, to show you that he's serious and recovering. But I agree with others in not setting yourself up as the sobriety police.
That said, better for you is to cut bait before you're any more enmeshed with someone who is sick and doesn't seem to be fully committed to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
Hoping,
I am going to join the chorus of voices saying NO!!! I am currently in the process of leaving my AH after 16 years. I have heard every promise that there is over and over again. You may hope he is different then all our experiences but chances are he is not. Please please keep reading as others have suggested the stickies at the top of the page. Also keep posting. Most of us have been where you are now and wish we would have RAN far away!
I am going to join the chorus of voices saying NO!!! I am currently in the process of leaving my AH after 16 years. I have heard every promise that there is over and over again. You may hope he is different then all our experiences but chances are he is not. Please please keep reading as others have suggested the stickies at the top of the page. Also keep posting. Most of us have been where you are now and wish we would have RAN far away!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
No no no! There's nothing I can add. I also know that you won't take any advice until you're ready. You asked a question and when you didn't get the response you want, you added information to maybe alter our responses. You know...it's a disease...the breathalyzer was my idea....The good news is that you are asking. I will repeat what someone else said. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN! (emphasis mine)! Any children you may have someday deserve at least the prospect of a healthy home.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
Thank you so much for the responses.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again.
I greatly appreciate the advice.
God Bless You all
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again.
I greatly appreciate the advice.
God Bless You all
I understand you intentions. Its hard to accept when you are a codependent that you cannot MAKE anyone do anything, least of all get sober.
Alcoholism is a disease, but the comparison to cancer or other diseases is not accurate. Like most disease there is an opportunity to heal it, or manage it. The problem here is he is not choosing "chemo" so to speak. A breathalyzer is not a recovery program. Additionally, you have to look at the whole of the disease if you are going to make an accurate comparison. Alcoholism, as part of the disease process, causes significant emotional pain and stress to the family a friends that get close to it. It causes financial instability, loss of jobs, loss of friends, legal issues. It rapes lives. That is part of it. My husband is a diabetic. He manages it with his diet and insulin. I forget he has it. You won't forget your SO has alcoholism because you will be quagmired deep in all his problems which will create your own.
To say that if you "back off now" he will never be motivated . Do you have THAT much control over him? The truth is he isn't motivated to quit at all, and your breathalyzer idea is enabling. If you want to motivate anyone you let them feel the repercussions of their choices. You don't come up with an idea for them to solve their problems. He is motivated to keep his codie enabler. Sorry, but that's the truth. Motivated would be going to AA, or an outpatient or inpatient facility.
You worry a lot about him, so much so you are here asking a question you already know the answer to. You know this would be a huge mistake. You are so busy looking out for him and his well being you aren't looking out for yourself.
A 5th grader would tell you not to marry an out of control alcoholic, or date one. I know its hard, I know you care and love him, I know you want him to get sober. The crux of the problem is you want more for him than he wants for himself. NOT-GONNA-WORK
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Your BF needs intensive expert treatment, probably as an inpatient. Just not drinking so he can keep you isn't going to do it because it's for you, not for himself. I know you love each other, but if you marry him without substantial treatment time and sobriety you'll go down with the ship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
I am so thankful for the advice. I wish I had joined this forum earlier when I was just dating my BF and struggling to decide whether I should get engaged or not. I knew about the alcoholism soon after we moved in together and when he had his first seizure in front of me. I believed him when he said that as long as he does not drink, I would never have to witness seizures and be traumatized by it. I see all the stories in which alcoholics become mean and violent. He is never ever mean to me or anyone else for that matter. He is a high functioning alcoholic and I find out about his drinking only when he has seizures.
Prior to meeting me, he never even tried to quit but since being with me, he has tried inpatient treatment once for 30 days and now he is trying Breathalyzer. What breaks my heart is when I see that he desperately wants to quit and he tries, tries so so hard, but fails every single time. Unfortunately though, instead of continuing to support him, I have to abandon him just because he is failing. If he didn’t love me, he would not be trying so hard, just to fail.
Thank you so much for clearing up the cancer analogy. I always wonder what goes through an alcoholic’s mind. I believe they must feel so helpless. I have heard him say how different his life would have been if he was not an alcoholic. He would have done a lot better in his career and probably already had kids. And I try to tell him that he can still have all of that, but he would have to work a lot harder. He does not believe in therapy and says his only motivation is me.
I don’t want to be a sobriety police and so in due course I am going to ask him to start logging his progress in Soberlink, I am then going to motivate him to join rehab and start taking medication. I no longer want to marry or have kids with him, but use my love to continue to motivate him for as long as I can. He has never stayed sober for more than 2 months. If he crosses the 2 month mark this time, I think the chances of him staying sober for long will increase.
Please continue to send me suggestions and advice. You are helping me a great deal!
Prior to meeting me, he never even tried to quit but since being with me, he has tried inpatient treatment once for 30 days and now he is trying Breathalyzer. What breaks my heart is when I see that he desperately wants to quit and he tries, tries so so hard, but fails every single time. Unfortunately though, instead of continuing to support him, I have to abandon him just because he is failing. If he didn’t love me, he would not be trying so hard, just to fail.
Thank you so much for clearing up the cancer analogy. I always wonder what goes through an alcoholic’s mind. I believe they must feel so helpless. I have heard him say how different his life would have been if he was not an alcoholic. He would have done a lot better in his career and probably already had kids. And I try to tell him that he can still have all of that, but he would have to work a lot harder. He does not believe in therapy and says his only motivation is me.
I don’t want to be a sobriety police and so in due course I am going to ask him to start logging his progress in Soberlink, I am then going to motivate him to join rehab and start taking medication. I no longer want to marry or have kids with him, but use my love to continue to motivate him for as long as I can. He has never stayed sober for more than 2 months. If he crosses the 2 month mark this time, I think the chances of him staying sober for long will increase.
Please continue to send me suggestions and advice. You are helping me a great deal!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I really do understand what you are going through. I do think that once it progresses enough it becomes a disease. Here is the difference, if a person has skin cancer for example, they take their treatments as prescribed, they wear sunscreen, they do all the things their doctor tells them to do. They don't go sit in the sun every day to get more cancer. See where I am going here?
You will realize eventually that he has to choose to want help himself, and to work on that every single day, for the rest of his life. You may think you are enough to motivate him to do that, but in reality, that motivation has to come from within him because he wants it so badly he will do anything for it.
There will always be something that is a trigger. Change of seasons, loss of loved ones, jobs, stress, health problems. You will not be able to control that. You will hear the three C's here. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Such a true statement.
Just because you walk away does not mean you don't care for him. It means you are not being drug down the rabbit hole with him. Give yourself permission to love from afar.
Tight hugs, I know it's really hard.
You will realize eventually that he has to choose to want help himself, and to work on that every single day, for the rest of his life. You may think you are enough to motivate him to do that, but in reality, that motivation has to come from within him because he wants it so badly he will do anything for it.
There will always be something that is a trigger. Change of seasons, loss of loved ones, jobs, stress, health problems. You will not be able to control that. You will hear the three C's here. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Such a true statement.
Just because you walk away does not mean you don't care for him. It means you are not being drug down the rabbit hole with him. Give yourself permission to love from afar.
Tight hugs, I know it's really hard.
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
Thank you so much for the responses.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again.
I greatly appreciate the advice.
God Bless You all
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again.
I greatly appreciate the advice.
God Bless You all
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hoping I hope you are also following your original thread in Newcomers, with all the responses from those who struggle with alcoholism themselves.
When someone wants something badly enough, there is nothing they won't try in order to achieve it. I'm sorry to say that him saying he does not believe in therapy and that his only motivation is you reads to me as a giant red flag that he is more interested in maintaining the status quo than changing, and that he is trying to manipulate you into staying.
High-functioning is not a TYPE of alcoholism, merely a STAGE. Left untreated it is progressive and no one can predict how long the downward spiral will take.
When someone wants something badly enough, there is nothing they won't try in order to achieve it. I'm sorry to say that him saying he does not believe in therapy and that his only motivation is you reads to me as a giant red flag that he is more interested in maintaining the status quo than changing, and that he is trying to manipulate you into staying.
High-functioning is not a TYPE of alcoholism, merely a STAGE. Left untreated it is progressive and no one can predict how long the downward spiral will take.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I am then going to motivate him to join rehab and start taking medication. I no longer want to marry or have kids with him, but use my love to continue to motivate him for as long as I can.
And it sure isn't something you can "motivate" someone else to do. He/she has to want it, and want it badly. You cannot love someone into sobriety. Many of us here have ended marriages and other relationships b/c of alcoholism. Many of us have had to end contact with family members b/c of alcoholism. The reason was never that we didn't love them enough.
I'm glad you're here and glad you're reading around the forum. I hope you keep coming back--you will have to find your own way, and there is a lot of experience and support here as you take your first steps.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Hoping I hope you are also following your original thread in Newcomers, with all the responses from those who struggle with alcoholism themselves.
When someone wants something badly enough, there is nothing they won't try in order to achieve it. I'm sorry to say that him saying he does not believe in therapy and that his only motivation is you reads to me as a giant red flag that he is more interested in maintaining the status quo than changing, and that he is trying to manipulate you into staying.
High-functioning is not a TYPE of alcoholism, merely a STAGE. Left untreated it is progressive and no one can predict how long the downward spiral will take.
When someone wants something badly enough, there is nothing they won't try in order to achieve it. I'm sorry to say that him saying he does not believe in therapy and that his only motivation is you reads to me as a giant red flag that he is more interested in maintaining the status quo than changing, and that he is trying to manipulate you into staying.
High-functioning is not a TYPE of alcoholism, merely a STAGE. Left untreated it is progressive and no one can predict how long the downward spiral will take.
I need to find strength to let him go. Breakups are super exhausting, mentally and physically.
I never in my wildest dream thought that I would end up with an alcoholic and that I would have to let someone go despite how much they love me. I always thought, if two people love each other, they can overcome anything - But addiction is an exception to that rule.
I also belong to a very conservative family and broken engagements are definitely considered a taboo. I guess, better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage. I'm hoping that time will heal.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
[QUOTE=HopingForCure;5987617]Thank you so much for the responses.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him,
WHOA. This is a perfect example of codependency.
I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Yes, it is a disease like cancer or diabetes or...but the issue is not of fairness in abandoning him. Again, this is classic codependent thinking and indicates you need some help in evaluating how this relationship works, why you want it to - harsh words, but the path you are choosing is not healthy for you (or helpful to him recovering, in fact it is the opposite).
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds,
This is a terrible idea. It will almost certainly create many problems- you as "jailer," him as "errant child," anxiety, sneaking around, lying, obsessing - so many unhealthy things for you and the dynamic of your relationsip, and frankly, possible encouragement or justification (by him) of his drinking (perversely true, IME - especially if it is a situation where he is texting the results! How can you ever know they are honest?!) Again, very bad idea that will almost certainly create further pain.
/QUOTE]
That all aside, to answer your simple question - NO to this alcoholic! Hell to the no, as well put above, In general, I would not seek out an alcoholic and am not currently in a relationship so I cannot say about a specific person; however, I would not rule out a recovering alcoholic WELL into his sobriety. Which your man is clearly not. Also, I can look at my last two serious relationships- before I got sober- and both of them were alcoholics. Both very good to me in all ways - except they enabled me, there were unhealthy dynamics, and they were respectively harmful relationships to us both; I would not choose either of in my sober mind now.
Please think long and hard and be honest with yourself about the life you want. Please consider working on yourself and WHY you want what it seems all of this will very likely bring if you cement a life with him. Again, harsh words but your post really pings at my heart because I see you choosing pain.
Good luck.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him,
WHOA. This is a perfect example of codependency.
I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Yes, it is a disease like cancer or diabetes or...but the issue is not of fairness in abandoning him. Again, this is classic codependent thinking and indicates you need some help in evaluating how this relationship works, why you want it to - harsh words, but the path you are choosing is not healthy for you (or helpful to him recovering, in fact it is the opposite).
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds,
This is a terrible idea. It will almost certainly create many problems- you as "jailer," him as "errant child," anxiety, sneaking around, lying, obsessing - so many unhealthy things for you and the dynamic of your relationsip, and frankly, possible encouragement or justification (by him) of his drinking (perversely true, IME - especially if it is a situation where he is texting the results! How can you ever know they are honest?!) Again, very bad idea that will almost certainly create further pain.
/QUOTE]
That all aside, to answer your simple question - NO to this alcoholic! Hell to the no, as well put above, In general, I would not seek out an alcoholic and am not currently in a relationship so I cannot say about a specific person; however, I would not rule out a recovering alcoholic WELL into his sobriety. Which your man is clearly not. Also, I can look at my last two serious relationships- before I got sober- and both of them were alcoholics. Both very good to me in all ways - except they enabled me, there were unhealthy dynamics, and they were respectively harmful relationships to us both; I would not choose either of in my sober mind now.
Please think long and hard and be honest with yourself about the life you want. Please consider working on yourself and WHY you want what it seems all of this will very likely bring if you cement a life with him. Again, harsh words but your post really pings at my heart because I see you choosing pain.
Good luck.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HopingForCure.......you seem like a very sincere person, to me.
Frankly, the stance you are taking would work for almost any other type of committed relationship.....but the sticky wicket is that ALCOHOLOSM AND ABUSE defy the usual "rules" that mo st of us were taught about how relationships work.......
In your case, I believe that understanding more of how the disease of alcoholism works...the natural history and progression of the disease.....
Most people know little about this....even those who have lived with alcoholism. It is usually learned when a person has had a need to study it (like you, now....lol!)......
for you, dear one, I specifically recommend the following for you...regardless of whatever else you do: 1. get and read "CO-Dependent No More".....it is sort of a "bible" around here. You will recognize so much as you read it! You can get it at the library or a cheap used copy on Amazon.com....
2. do a google search for Floyd P. Garrett. M.D......he wrote several excellent articles about how alcoholics think and relationships with them......Read, especially, these o nes: "The Alcoholic's dilemma", "Excuses Alcoholics Make", and "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". These are the writing that helped me to understand sooo much!
Knowledge is power.....
Sincerely,
dandylion
Frankly, the stance you are taking would work for almost any other type of committed relationship.....but the sticky wicket is that ALCOHOLOSM AND ABUSE defy the usual "rules" that mo st of us were taught about how relationships work.......
In your case, I believe that understanding more of how the disease of alcoholism works...the natural history and progression of the disease.....
Most people know little about this....even those who have lived with alcoholism. It is usually learned when a person has had a need to study it (like you, now....lol!)......
for you, dear one, I specifically recommend the following for you...regardless of whatever else you do: 1. get and read "CO-Dependent No More".....it is sort of a "bible" around here. You will recognize so much as you read it! You can get it at the library or a cheap used copy on Amazon.com....
2. do a google search for Floyd P. Garrett. M.D......he wrote several excellent articles about how alcoholics think and relationships with them......Read, especially, these o nes: "The Alcoholic's dilemma", "Excuses Alcoholics Make", and "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". These are the writing that helped me to understand sooo much!
Knowledge is power.....
Sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I view marring an alcoholic the same as watching someone board the Titanic…………you already know what’s going to happen.
I would say at this point with all you know about him and his past history of alcoholism that it’s no longer his issues with alcohol that is in play here but YOUR issues and why you would even contemplate it.
I would say at this point with all you know about him and his past history of alcoholism that it’s no longer his issues with alcohol that is in play here but YOUR issues and why you would even contemplate it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
