smlg10

Hi-I am new here. Married for 16 years with 4 children ( My AH says wants to get better and went to detox last year. Has tried 4 times with Librium on his own and has been unsuccessful since them. I finally had enough 2 weeks ago when he drank a bottle of wine before driving my kids to carpool (they don't know the extent of the problem). Instead of choosing treatment, he went away for a couple days and ignored my request not to come back home. He is still drinking and I am the "crazy town" because I keep looking for empty bottles (and finding them) and am being made to feel like the drinking is largely to blame on the state of our relationship. He says he will be starting an outpatient this week but if he cant stay sober for a few days how will that even work? How am I supposed to detach and not snoop around when I have 4 kids I am responsible for? I am now a broken person and doing all I can to keep myself and kids from falling apart but I cant take this any more and hate that I am making recovery worse.

Thanks for listening.

LexieCat

I'd suggest talking with a lawyer to find out what your legal options are. You don't have to actually file anything until you're ready, but some advice and planning can help you protect yourself in the meantime.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I'd start cluing them in on dad's problem. You don't want them getting in the car with him when he's drinking. If you need help, you might enlist the help of their counselors at school.

And if you're talking about his recovery, that's his business and nothing you are doing will make it "worse"--I suspect, though, that he's going through the motions to placate you.

dandylion

smig...welcome! You have come to the right place, as so many others know what you are talking about......

A couple of questions....is he actually enrolled in outpatient, or is he just "promising" to go?
You say that he has been to "detox"....or "rehab".....? They are not the same thing.......

First thing----always remember the 3Cs...You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; and, You Can't fix it......only he can..

Many alcoholics try for years to control the drinking by various means and go many times to detox/rehab/self detox, periods of various length of "white knuckling".....before they finally face the fact that they are helpless over the alcohol ......(if or when they ever do).......

My guess is that you and he will both know, before long, if he can handle the outpatient program without drinking.......

dandylion

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. You have a lot on your plate. I encourage you to come here, read the stickies at the tops of the forums, educate yourself as much as possible.

I would be very honest and open with him about how you are feeling. Hopefully there will be some family counseling involved with his treatment. If you desire for him not to be home if he is using, I would use that treatment counseling for them to help him form a plan. Possibly treatment then sober housing is what he needs.

Of course, if he has ownership in the home, you won't be able to keep him out w/out going through the courts or the police should be be a threat.

Do you have family near that can help you with the kids? I encourage you to keep your net wide and have as much face to face support as possible. Try out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. I know our Celebrate Recovery has childcare that is free.

Hugs to you. Keep posting, keep reading, you are not alone.

atalose

You don't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking and you can't cure his drinking. (known as the 3 c's)

You can't make what isn't happening any worse. He's not in recovery so don't fool yourself or believe his quacking until you actually witness recovery.

If snooping for bottles is bothering you then there are other steps you can take like NEVER allowing him to drive children anywhere until you know and have witnessed recovery. Recovery doesn't happen over night or in a week or a month it takes time sometimes a long time before you can actually witness it. And then only if he's actually working a recovery program not just sitting in a space for an hour calling it out-patient treatment is how you will know for sure.

You can check out al-anon for you, research alcoholism and become familiar with all aspects of it. Know that it is a life long disease, no cure only remission and that only happens if he wants that and works for it every single day for the rest of his life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse when not addressed.

Keep posting here, sharing what's going on in our lives can be one of the best tools we have.

smlg10

Thanks=I will keep repeating the 3 Cs to myself. Kids are 4, 10, 12, 13. He only did a 5 day detox, not rehab thinking he could handle it. He only drinks in hiding as the kids think he no longer drinks for health reasons (cholesterol, heart disease in family). We are 100% self employed (I'm really the only one that works) and we are financially devastated from this all-I just took on a 40/hr week contract in addition to trying to keep my business afloat with some clients. I have put him before me for years and worried about everything I say and do bc of the depression that has gone along with the alcoholism but I feel like I must look out for myself at this point which is coming across cold I suppose. I am fortunate to have my MIL 100% support and she does help me with the kids a ton. Her father was an alcoholic as was her brother who committed suicide. What a awful , horrible and sad disease. Thanks

dandylion

smig.....You don't come across as cold. Those of us who have had alcoholism in our home understand this.....
I totally agree that you have to look out for y ourself!!

I don't suppose that he would agree to inpatient rehab....and,if you don't hav insurance......AA is available most every place and it is free...

Sometomes, realizing that they are going to lose their family is a motivation to reach for genuine recovery....others, may not.....

The bottom line is...he is going to drink ---or not. The question is (as always)---what are you going to do.....

You will get through this...you are NOT alone....

dandylion

LexieCat

No, you don't come across "cold" in the least. There is help available for him if he will accept it. You have zero control over that. Your job is to take care of YOU and your kids.

Alcoholism IS awful for everybody--not least the alcoholic--but many people do recover. I'm close to eight years sober, and my first husband has been sober over 36 years. The alcoholic has to really WANT recovery, and want it more than anything, though, and for some people it takes a lot of losses to get to that point.

Bekindalways

Welcome Smig. And I'm absolutely sorry for what brings you here.

It sounds like you are beyond busy with kids and work. This must be super stressful.

Please get all the support you can. We here will also offer as much e-support as possible.

CaveGirl

As a child of an alcoholic father, your kids already know... And are affected by it to some degree. For me it was not inviting friends over...They are smarter than we often give them credit for. So be honest with the older two at least, they will most likely enjoy being let in on the adult world.

And better to know an adult is paying attention and has their back. The older ones are at the age that kids start sneaking a beer (at least).. So the more talk about it the better.

Just my .02
Xoxox