Expanding

I woke this morning at 4 AM, eager to get to the beach and do a meditation (on learning how to love myself) while the sun rose and the waves crashed on the sand... and it was as awesome as it sounds. I walked away feeling light, free and excited for the day.

It's many hours later and now I feel sooo depressed. I feel like the gap between where I am and where I want to be has gotten a lot wider. I feel sad again about my lost dreams. I noticed that whenever I have to talk to the ex it sends me spiraling into a terrible mood, and I am saddened that it has come to this point. I can see with a clear mind and open eyes that he is toxic to my well-being. I can't even think about him without feeling like garbage.

I am trying not to isolate myself but it's hard when we share so many friends and my habits have changed. My chest feels very tight and full of anxiety right now... feeling really lonely again. I don't have motivation to do what want to do and I kind of just want to go back to sleep. I feel as though I don't have a single true friend.

My ex hasn't lived here in a month and how little he actually cares about me is making it hard to breathe. How could I have been so blind? I feel like I spent a huge chunk of my life with people that don't really care about me...

My cousin was right about emotional sobriety but these feelings are hitting me so hard and fast. I find myself constantly playing YouTube videos by life coaches who specialize in codependency because without them I feel extremely anxious. I can't seem to get through a mindless 30 minute show without having to pause and do some work on myself, the anxiety is so high. I feel like I need a long mental break but I am so concerned with getting better I can't seem to relax. I just want this to be OVER with and for my moods to stabilize. I feel a little crazy.

I know that in a few hours or by tomorrow I might be in a GREAT mood. Are these moods swings normal? They feel very extreme.... or maybe it's because I am allowing myself to finally feel?

I went out for dinner with a girlfriend during the week and had a great time! In fact, most of last week was good but today is such a crash and burn... my chest hasn't felt this tight in weeks. I feel like I am withdrawing, going through a detox. My skin has even broken out horribly, maybe I really am detoxing.

I am seeing more and more what I want and how what I had was nothing CLOSE!! How I managed to dupe myself for so long is concerning. The more time goes on the more I remember squashing feelings that he wasn't the one for me and thinking that it would get better. It oftentimes would because I would "forget" and things would go back up, only to crash again. I ignored my feelings for years, and now they are consuming me... it all definitely catches up with you... no more living in lala land in my fantasy, no more getting "drunker than" so I don't notice just how drunk those in my life are... this must be how any addict feels when they quit something... no wonder we stay in denial for so long. I even have body aches right now, like I am getting the flu.

This is such a surreal experience. The stuff people tell you doesn't make sense until you go through it. I find myself rereading the replies you lovely folks shared on my previous posts, and it's like I am reading it differently with every pass. My interpretation becomes clearer, the words make more sense.

I can't be thankful enough for these forums. What a Godsend this has been. I appreciate you all so much.

honeypig

I can't tell you if they're normal or not, but I can tell you they are very much what I experienced myself. I'd be feeling strong and positive, making progress in my life, and then something as small as seeing a little silver watering pot he bought me at a rummage sale the first summer we were together would dissolve me into a weeping, lonely mess who wanted only to lie in bed and cry about the mess she'd made of her life. (((Hugs))) Expanding. I've been there, and actually can still go there w/o warning, but it happens a lot less as time goes on. Give it time.

I had a very clear memory of this myself, remembering an exact scene and how I thought to myself "it's time to stop being in love w/him and start loving him." Had I been healthier, I would have examined things more deeply, not just told myself that if I only loved him more, everything would be OK...

Yes, I totally know what this is like too, Expanding. It all seems like good-intentioned mumbo jumbo that kind of applies, but not really. Then all of a sudden you look around and go "wait--I know this place! It's what everyone has been talking about all along! They're NOT nuts. It's real, and I'm here, and I'm not the first one to be here..."

This is how it is, at first. It's not a lot of fun most of the time. Better days really are coming, though. You've seen some glimmers of how it can be, and that's only the start. There is a saying I've read: "Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something that you don't understand yet." That sure seems true to me.

redatlanta

Yeah totally normal for a recent break up. After 8 years you are finding a new identity and that takes time. its hard when friends are involved.

I suggest you keep yourself busy. Plan your days and do what you can to avoid down, dead air time. I always found it worse on the weekend than during the week.

With my last break up I had a terrible time with insomnia. So I started renovating my house. BOING wide awake at 1:30 am. I would get up and start painting. Seriously kinda crazy but after a while the insomnia went away. The worst is to be feeling frantic, alone, bored, late night, dead of day when no one is around.

AnvilheadII

i think you can also borrow from the addiction recovery model called HALT, to never let yourself get too:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

borrowed from a dual recovery relapse prevention page:

This tried and true slogan helps us to stay in touch with our feelings and needs. Sometimes the onset of anxiety or a sudden drop in mood can be traced to our having forgotten to eat so our blood sugar levels are off kilter. Sometimes we may be carrying a resentment, or feeling lonely, or we are just too tired. Taking a little time out from our busy day to ask ourselves if we are feeling too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, gets us in touch with our feelings. When we know what we are feeling we can make choices and take the appropriate action to get our needs for food, companionship, or rest, met.

Being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, are conditions that leave us more vulnerable to the temptations that lead us away from our program of dual recovery. Part of recovery is learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice appropriate ways to meet our needs and resolve issues in a manner that will enhance our abstinence and serenity.

dandylion

Expanding.......I would like to add one more thought...in case it applies.....

I have found the PMS days can make moods much more noticeable, also.
I used to forget that...and, my husband would "remind" me......

dandylion

Expanding

I am having a very scary thought... what if I too, have a drinking problem? I can't tell if what I am feeling is from the breakup, or from me not drinking!!

My mom is an alcoholic... and I would binge drink right along with all those people weekend after weekend...

Yes, I started to get sick of it and backed off, I stopped going out with axbf because I didn't want to have to babysit him, I wanted a deeper emotional connection, I did in fact, want to grow and change... but I am eating more sugar, my mood swings are so extreme, I feel irritable and emotionally drained.

I can't tell why I feel this way... so many things are happening all at once I am having a hard time discerning where these mood swings are coming from. Sure, it would be easy to say I drank too much because I was around the wrong crowd, but it's also true that no one forced me to drink.

Ohhh my goodness this is a crazy idea that just might make sense...

#4 of the laundry list of ACOA's... we either become alcoholics, marry them or both...

Bekindalways

Argh Expanding, you really are in the midst of it and are fighting the good fight.

As far as the mood swings, I'm not too sure what is normal and even less what is normal for you.

The drinking is an interesting thought. Yippee skipee, you just might be a double winner.

Could you try eating really healthy for a few days and see how you feel? Although it is quite possible that you are just finally feeling a lot of suppressed stuff.

Big hug to you and double down on the self care. We are here for you.

dandylion

Expanding.....if you have been drinking on a regular basis for a while...withdrawl is totally possible.....
Try drinking nothing for a while and, see how you feel....

dandylion

DesertEyes

There is a world of difference between a "drinking problem", being addicted to alcohol, and being a person who is capable of drinking large quantities. That is why the focus is on the behavior of the person and not the chemicals.

If you were drinking alcohol in more than the "average" amounts, which you mention as binge drinking to keep up with those people, then you may have developed "tolerance" to the alcohol. From my experience in meetings of al-anon it seems common that spouses will "drink to keep up".

In any case, if you feel that you may have some kind of physical withdrawal from stopping alcohol then the safe thing to do is go visit a doctor and tell them why you drank and how much. The danger to severe withdrawls is that a person's blood pressure might spike up unexpectedly, something a doctor can quickly diagnose and easily treat.

The doctor can also do some blood work and see if there is anything wrong with the levels of glucose in your system. It is common for glucose to bounce up and down during early withdrawls. If that is all it is then a doc can also help you figure out the best way to get that back to normal. It usually means a few weeks of a tight diet and seriously eating on a very rigid schedule. But the details of the diet are up to the doctor to work out with you.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery