Update
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Update
Here's a quick update on my life at home. She has pretty much cut off all communication with her boss on a personal basis - seems the guy's wife thought there was an affair going on. Two spouses having the same idea? Not a coincidence methinks. Also, she is taking it really hard - much more than just losing a friend.
Of course, her unhappiness gets dumped on me, and now I'm back to being the lousy husband. The one week where I was the good husband I knew would be short-lived.
I've been spending more time with DS and having fun playing. Unfortunately, the bills still need paid, and other home stuff needs done. She went into a rant last night because I'm not giving her any attention, but the bills and laundry get all my attention. Good grief, there are only so many hours in the day, and I start my day at 5:20 am.
I did not engage, which ticked her off even more, but she has not paid much attention to us in the last 5 years - her bottle of choice, and her smartphone were her best friends. She's still moody this morning.
She complains that she is always cleaning up everyone's messes around the house, yet me going thru the mail and sorting and filing is taking away from her!?!?!
And then, this morning she mentions that the paperwork is due for DS's summer camp. She told me 3 weeks ago she would do it. I thought it would have already been turned in since camp starts next week! I brought it to work and spent 45 minutes filling it out. She used to be the responsible one. Now, when he has something due for school it will sit until I find it and take care of it. Unfortunately, DS is starting to take the "if mommy doesn't care about schoolwork, why should I?" attitude.
One more thing: I'm calling the attorney today to set up a consult. Don't want to, but as unstable as she is right now, and the widely fluctuating moods, I need to protect myself and be ready.
Thanks for reading.
COD
Of course, her unhappiness gets dumped on me, and now I'm back to being the lousy husband. The one week where I was the good husband I knew would be short-lived.
I've been spending more time with DS and having fun playing. Unfortunately, the bills still need paid, and other home stuff needs done. She went into a rant last night because I'm not giving her any attention, but the bills and laundry get all my attention. Good grief, there are only so many hours in the day, and I start my day at 5:20 am.
I did not engage, which ticked her off even more, but she has not paid much attention to us in the last 5 years - her bottle of choice, and her smartphone were her best friends. She's still moody this morning.
She complains that she is always cleaning up everyone's messes around the house, yet me going thru the mail and sorting and filing is taking away from her!?!?!
And then, this morning she mentions that the paperwork is due for DS's summer camp. She told me 3 weeks ago she would do it. I thought it would have already been turned in since camp starts next week! I brought it to work and spent 45 minutes filling it out. She used to be the responsible one. Now, when he has something due for school it will sit until I find it and take care of it. Unfortunately, DS is starting to take the "if mommy doesn't care about schoolwork, why should I?" attitude.
One more thing: I'm calling the attorney today to set up a consult. Don't want to, but as unstable as she is right now, and the widely fluctuating moods, I need to protect myself and be ready.
Thanks for reading.
COD
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Just got off the phone with the attorney - he said how sad of a situation me and DS are in, and dangerous if I'm not there at night.
I'll probably set up a time to speak with him in person, though I'm not thrilled about paying the $295/hour for that.
It's a baby step, but it's a step.
I'll probably set up a time to speak with him in person, though I'm not thrilled about paying the $295/hour for that.
It's a baby step, but it's a step.
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Join Date: May 2010
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COD...progressive addiction stinks, and you are getting the brunt of it.
Honestly, when I kicked my XAH out, my work load around the house got a million times lighter, I was doing it all anyways, and he just made more mess for me to contend with. I get how frustrating it is. My X would tell me I am controlling, but he would not make a single decision, had no idea who the kids teachers are, even showed up at the wrong school one day to pick up my older DD from school (he went to the building she was in the year before).
Once you actually accept you are responsible for everything, you will arrange your life to get it all done. I don't know how, but it happens. It's easier to cut her out as the middleman with this stuff, and to just do it yourself. Crappy but true.
I am glad you are getting that consult. I always say, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
ps...Most attorney's do a first consult for free. Also....if there is any attorney you want to block her from using, go have a consult with them as well. It will then be a conflict of interest for them to represent her b/c they will have consulted with you already. Just words of wisdom from someone who has been there.
Hugs.
Honestly, when I kicked my XAH out, my work load around the house got a million times lighter, I was doing it all anyways, and he just made more mess for me to contend with. I get how frustrating it is. My X would tell me I am controlling, but he would not make a single decision, had no idea who the kids teachers are, even showed up at the wrong school one day to pick up my older DD from school (he went to the building she was in the year before).
Once you actually accept you are responsible for everything, you will arrange your life to get it all done. I don't know how, but it happens. It's easier to cut her out as the middleman with this stuff, and to just do it yourself. Crappy but true.
I am glad you are getting that consult. I always say, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
ps...Most attorney's do a first consult for free. Also....if there is any attorney you want to block her from using, go have a consult with them as well. It will then be a conflict of interest for them to represent her b/c they will have consulted with you already. Just words of wisdom from someone who has been there.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi, COD. That's great that you are moving forward with your legal rights. I echo what Hopeful said. My STBXAH was okay at helping around the house (he would do stuff like making meals for the kids, taking the garbage out, helping with dishes, mowing the lawn), but having to deal with his moods and drinking issues drained sooo much of my energy. Now that he is out of the house, even though I am 100% responsible for the house chores, it's really not that bad because I don't have this black emotional cloud hanging over me.
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I guess my 25 minutes on the phone was my 'freebie'. Not ideal, but I know I can't do this on my own - she will scratch and claw every step of the way
It was one of the hardest phone calls I've ever made
It was one of the hardest phone calls I've ever made
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COD....Yep, it is just smart to know the law and to know your rights....
I think that just having the information helps to feel more in control....
I can see that you are working on detaching.....
Of course, she won't be very happy about that...but, again, that is not the point... Detaching is for YOU......
No doubt, she has a cyclone of emotions...emotions of all kinds, going on in her head....and, there is really nothing that you can do about that.....
good luck with the consultation.....
dandylion
I think that just having the information helps to feel more in control....
I can see that you are working on detaching.....
Of course, she won't be very happy about that...but, again, that is not the point... Detaching is for YOU......
No doubt, she has a cyclone of emotions...emotions of all kinds, going on in her head....and, there is really nothing that you can do about that.....
good luck with the consultation.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Yeah man that stuff can be mighty hard to accept. The injustice and inappropriateness of it were tough, the isolation behind the smartphone, dismissive and derisive comments, and denial of alcohol being a problem was very triggering for me. I have to hold my alanon program very close sometimes, even now.
Towards the end our daughter showed a lot of antipathy & distance towards her even though there was no physical or emotional violence. Its taken 2 years of recovery for them to start to reconnect, back to the point of there being a mother/daughter tension; it was a mother/daughter "nothing" for quite a while.
There is still a lot of emotional and physical isolation. There seems to be only a few topics she is inclined to talk about; politics, tv shows- she quickly shuts down or changes the subject if emotionally sensitive or recovery related topics come up. Schedule-talk is safe, she has started becoming more involved in that- and in the last month has joined us going to bed (I do all morning/evening/homework tasks) instead of coming up hours later.
So its a mixed bag.. my job #1 is to avoid getting caught up in my emotions. Alanon suggests if you're Hungry Angry Lonely Tired (HALT), then be extra careful with your emotions & choices, so easy to just snap into something that increases the trouble. I would add "S" for Stressed to the list.
+1 for getting a consult- no need to pull any triggers on that stuff until and unless you choose to, learning about it doesn't hurt and counts as self-care.
Towards the end our daughter showed a lot of antipathy & distance towards her even though there was no physical or emotional violence. Its taken 2 years of recovery for them to start to reconnect, back to the point of there being a mother/daughter tension; it was a mother/daughter "nothing" for quite a while.
There is still a lot of emotional and physical isolation. There seems to be only a few topics she is inclined to talk about; politics, tv shows- she quickly shuts down or changes the subject if emotionally sensitive or recovery related topics come up. Schedule-talk is safe, she has started becoming more involved in that- and in the last month has joined us going to bed (I do all morning/evening/homework tasks) instead of coming up hours later.
So its a mixed bag.. my job #1 is to avoid getting caught up in my emotions. Alanon suggests if you're Hungry Angry Lonely Tired (HALT), then be extra careful with your emotions & choices, so easy to just snap into something that increases the trouble. I would add "S" for Stressed to the list.
+1 for getting a consult- no need to pull any triggers on that stuff until and unless you choose to, learning about it doesn't hurt and counts as self-care.
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COD....for when y ou are in front of that attorney....I suggest that you pre-think the important questions that you need to ask and list them on an index card....that way, you can direct the consultation and avoid wasting time on tangentials.....
although I often suggest the website: "Woman'sDivorce" to lots of people on here.....I think it might be useful for y ou also, regardless of gender, because it is educational in nature and explains the laws, organized by states.... (it is not meant to replace you own lawyer...but it can suggest the specific things that y ou might want to ask your lawyer).....
When I got m y divorce, I only had 2 in office sessions with him.....
When I think about it....I can't get out of the Vet's office or the dentist for less than 2-300 dolllars!
dandylion
although I often suggest the website: "Woman'sDivorce" to lots of people on here.....I think it might be useful for y ou also, regardless of gender, because it is educational in nature and explains the laws, organized by states.... (it is not meant to replace you own lawyer...but it can suggest the specific things that y ou might want to ask your lawyer).....
When I got m y divorce, I only had 2 in office sessions with him.....
When I think about it....I can't get out of the Vet's office or the dentist for less than 2-300 dolllars!
dandylion
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Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm so sorry Dad, I know you've been hoping to avoid going down this road. It sounds like you're in transition - in between the "one door closing & another opening"; starting out into the proverbial hellish hallway.
(((((Hugs))))) as you try to navigate these next steps. I know it's not an easy or fast process.
(((((Hugs))))) as you try to navigate these next steps. I know it's not an easy or fast process.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Yeah, she's taking her bossman's backing off pretty hard for just being a bossman "friend". I guess her meal-ticket out isn't going to get punched anymore. Good for you in not engaging. Doesn't sound like a very nice family life you have. I hope you learn your options soon with the attorney consult.
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Just sending you hugs, friend. I soooooo empathize.....it sounds like just whst I heard for years....my ex would sit and get drunk by himself every night (usually texting or calling people while drinking ) while I was inside with kid and doing all the house things-you know, keeping the house running. Then I would get bitched at for not spending time with him (wtf ?!?) and then when I did set up stuff for us to do together I got bitched out bc it's not what he wabted to do. My ex, too, used to rant "I do everything around here"....um, the only thing he did was cook dinner-that is literally all. Shop for groceries and cook dinner-just like his alcoholic father did,...birds of a feather and the whole like father, like son.....ahyway, sorry for the tangent...,suffice it to say, You can't win with these people....they are mentally ill. I am sooooo happy you went to see an attorney. Yes, they are expensive, but keeping your child safe is worth everything. Please keep us updated....I'm
Rooting for you, dad!!!!
Rooting for you, dad!!!!
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
Just got off the phone with the attorney - he said how sad of a situation me and DS are in, and dangerous if I'm not there at night.
I'll probably set up a time to speak with him in person, though I'm not thrilled about paying the $295/hour for that.
It's a baby step, but it's a step.
I'll probably set up a time to speak with him in person, though I'm not thrilled about paying the $295/hour for that.
It's a baby step, but it's a step.
WE will see what goes with the BOSS man - might be on best behavior for a bit, I wouldn't be surprised if estrangement is short lived. They will just get smarter about covering it up or at least he will. Or, his wife, will insist on getting rid of her.......
Proud of you!
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Might be the best $295 you ever spent.
WE will see what goes with the BOSS man - might be on best behavior for a bit, I wouldn't be surprised if estrangement is short lived. They will just get smarter about covering it up or at least he will. Or, his wife, will insist on getting rid of her.......
Proud of you!
WE will see what goes with the BOSS man - might be on best behavior for a bit, I wouldn't be surprised if estrangement is short lived. They will just get smarter about covering it up or at least he will. Or, his wife, will insist on getting rid of her.......
Proud of you!
So, like I said above: I'm proud of you. I didn't have the guts to leave or to even consult an attorney years ago. I know things happened for a reason and that I to grow up and learn a whole hell of a lot about myself before I was willing to leave, but still.....I wish I had done this sooner than later.
Sending you lots of support and positive thoughts your way tonight.
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Thank you all for your support and kind words. They do help me every day.
Update from Friday night:
It was almost my bedtime, and I asked a simple question to see what we were doing on Saturday, so I said, "What are your plans for tomorrow?" That opened up an 80-minute diatribe about how: she can't plan because our life is a mess, how she doesn't know how to get through each day because our marriage is a mess, how she feels all alone and lonely, that no one loves her except DS, that the only reason she is still alive is because of DS, that she grew up with addiction all her life (her mother is an A) - but that DS will NEVER experience that (Umm, he does every day because YOU are an active addict), that I will never know what it feels like to live with an addict (wrong, again), and a bunch of other stuff. I sat there and patiently listened.
She told me she wants me to be happy, and I'm free to leave and find that happiness. She talked about her boss as being the only guy who has ever treated her well and cared about her and respected her. I said, "Well, maybe you two should be together then, maybe he's the guy for you." She said "Yeah, he probably is, but its the wrong place and time for it to happen, so that hope is gone." Backwards way of saying, "Yes, he was more than a friend, but his wife got in the way of our relationship."
Luckily, the liquid intake caught up with her, and she had to use the restroom, so that was the end of the speech. My letter that I wrote will respond to all her concerns, questions, rants, etc. This week will be the time to give it.
I understand that it probably will change nothing, but she wants answers, and those will be my answers. What she chooses to do after that will be her choice.
It's time to 'sh&t or get off the pot', as my dear mother used to say to get us kids to take action on something!
Update from Friday night:
It was almost my bedtime, and I asked a simple question to see what we were doing on Saturday, so I said, "What are your plans for tomorrow?" That opened up an 80-minute diatribe about how: she can't plan because our life is a mess, how she doesn't know how to get through each day because our marriage is a mess, how she feels all alone and lonely, that no one loves her except DS, that the only reason she is still alive is because of DS, that she grew up with addiction all her life (her mother is an A) - but that DS will NEVER experience that (Umm, he does every day because YOU are an active addict), that I will never know what it feels like to live with an addict (wrong, again), and a bunch of other stuff. I sat there and patiently listened.
She told me she wants me to be happy, and I'm free to leave and find that happiness. She talked about her boss as being the only guy who has ever treated her well and cared about her and respected her. I said, "Well, maybe you two should be together then, maybe he's the guy for you." She said "Yeah, he probably is, but its the wrong place and time for it to happen, so that hope is gone." Backwards way of saying, "Yes, he was more than a friend, but his wife got in the way of our relationship."
Luckily, the liquid intake caught up with her, and she had to use the restroom, so that was the end of the speech. My letter that I wrote will respond to all her concerns, questions, rants, etc. This week will be the time to give it.
I understand that it probably will change nothing, but she wants answers, and those will be my answers. What she chooses to do after that will be her choice.
It's time to 'sh&t or get off the pot', as my dear mother used to say to get us kids to take action on something!
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I doubt she will even remember what she said, so the likelihood of her putting your answers in any kind of context is pretty slim. You aren't obligated to sit and listen to those rants. None of it is information you need to know--you already know these speeches are going to be full of blame-shifting, self-pity, and avoidance of the actual problem.
You might want to consult your lawyer about whether it would be legal for you to record these rants, and whether they might help you on the custody/visitation issues. I THINK it's allowed in Ohio, but I certainly wouldn't do it without the advice of a lawyer licensed to practice there.
You might want to consult your lawyer about whether it would be legal for you to record these rants, and whether they might help you on the custody/visitation issues. I THINK it's allowed in Ohio, but I certainly wouldn't do it without the advice of a lawyer licensed to practice there.
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Oh, she remembered what she said, because I had to rehash it to her Saturday morning because she didn't think I was listening! She was fairly coherent Friday night.
In Ohio, only one party of the conversation needs to know it's being recorded. In other words, I can;t record two unsuspecting people, but I can record a conversation between me and another party without their consent. I had to use this in a former job of mine when I knew my boss would try to screw me over. And he tried, but things changed when I presented the recording!
In Ohio, only one party of the conversation needs to know it's being recorded. In other words, I can;t record two unsuspecting people, but I can record a conversation between me and another party without their consent. I had to use this in a former job of mine when I knew my boss would try to screw me over. And he tried, but things changed when I presented the recording!
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Sounds to me like she has King Baby syndrome. She just got dumped (sorry but true), she's mad about that, she a classic addict and in denial, and mad about that, and your behavior is changing (for the better for you and DS), and she's mad about that. Poor her....
Keep that attorney b/c you need more than a letter, and I know you know that.
Hugs to you. I don't say that in a harsh way b/c I know it's hard. Keep moving forward and being the great dad you are.
Keep that attorney b/c you need more than a letter, and I know you know that.
Hugs to you. I don't say that in a harsh way b/c I know it's hard. Keep moving forward and being the great dad you are.
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COD.......I can see that you have made great strides in the expectations and detachment department... ...considering the difficulty of your situation......
Yeah, I can remember that saying (s**t or get off the pot)...from my childhood, also"...lol.....
dandylion
Yeah, I can remember that saying (s**t or get off the pot)...from my childhood, also"...lol.....
dandylion
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