Autumnlover19

This is cross-posted from the newcomers daily support thread class of March 2016.

I am having a very hard time. I live with my son's father in an on again/off again relationship. In truth, he is an active addict/alcoholic with lots of anger issues and is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I have tried many times to break it off. He won't leave.

Once when I completely and soberly broke up with him, he caused a lot of drama saying he was going to kill himself and scared lots of people. If I wasn't the main bill-payer and owner of my home, I would have left long ago.

Per the advice of my recovering alcoholic younger brother (7 years sober) who is a lawyer, I have issued J a legal eviction notice. He has 30 days to get out or the court will be involved. Of course this has not gone over well and he has been drinking, withholding what he OWES me for rent and bills, and basically raising hell in my home. He has taken 3 weeks off of work to detox himself off opiates. Which idk if he has done or not, but this is his last week off of work.

Last week, I caught him and his ex-wife snorting pills in my basement.

How I will make it through the next 29 days is beyond me. Plus he has so much crap here, I have no clue how he will get it all out in 29 days. I need a roommate ASAP who can help me with bills.

His mom and step-dad are supportive of me but also are enablers to him. I have not told my parents the whole truth but may need to because I may have to ask them if I can stay with them for a bit. I realize I am very lucky to have that option, I am just not sure if I am quite ready to break their hearts yet again with my burdens.

Our son just turned a year old. Please keep me in your prayers. I am a struggling alcoholic myself but I am sober now thank God.

caretaker88

Maybe you should consult with your lawyer brother again. I know in some states that you can have someone immediately evicted, without notice, if they are participating in illegal activity on your property. I would think that crushing and snorting pills would qualify.

Autumnlover19

Thank you caretaker. Yes, that is an option in my state. 24-hour eviction notice for unlawful activity in my home. But I am afraid to go that route as he will retaliate viciously. He has video of me drunk. I don't want custody of our son to become a nasty battle.

ladyscribbler

That will probably happen no matter what. As long as you are sober and working a program of recovery, one indiscretion caught on video (which may or may not see the light of day in a courtroom) is not going to destroy your custody case. Playing nice with this man is not going to cause him to suddenly become a reasonable and rational human being or have an epiphany about how poorly he is treating you and your child. Many of us here have tried to take the route of appeasement. Not one has met with success.
He is an abusive addict and you and your son will be better off with him leaving sooner rather than later. Take care. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Autumnlover19

Thank you, Ladyscribbler.

Autumnlover19

Update:
AXBF did not quit using during his 3 week unpaid time off work, though he claims he has now. Last weekend I had a long 6 days off as originally we had planned on going to a Marriage Bootcamp. (Ha ha!) I bailed on that long ago but kept the time off work and took my baby out to my parents' camp on the water for a staycation.

AXBF used that time to call in sick to work, stay in my house, use/detox, drink heavily throughout it all, and send abusive texts to me, including one that said "have fun cleaning brains off your wall."

He hasn't found a place to live, has not really even tried i don't think, hasn't packed anything,

Autumnlover19

Sorry, my phone cut me off. The only reason I didn't give the 24 hour eviction as suggested above is because there are children involved. He has two other children who are with us half the time.

He is supposed to be out on the first. Of course now he is apologizing and asking for another month with promises to give me a good chunk of money and clean up his act. I don't think he has drank or done drugs in a few days but...he did go to the ER for chest pain last night and was admitted for observation so I'm sure they gave him something for pain there.

Do I still proceed with a court order of eviction on the first and not worry about the kids?

dandylion

Jemma....who do the kids stay with the rest of the time--when not with him?

dandylion

maia1234

Jemma,
He is an addict. Get him out of your home. Pack his boxes and put them in the garage. He can call u to set up a time to pick it up. I am sorry , but u need to take care of you two.

Bekindalways

Hey Jemma,

I can't add much legal or kid advice but wanted to say congratulations on your own sobriety and it sounds like you are taking some important steps for your child and yourself.

Big hug and I hope we can support you!

Autumnlover19

Thanks for the replies.

Dandylion, the other kids stay with their mother when not with us.

Maia, it is not just a few a few boxes. It's is half the furniture, most of the things in the basement, garage, attic. This is a large house and he filled it with his crap

Bekindalways, thanks for the hugs.

FeelingGreat

Jemma, I think number 1 priority is to get him out, whether he takes his stuff or not. His children can of course remain in their normal home.
I'm sure your brother has advised you to keep all communications from him, including diarising his verbal statements.
If he threatens you in any way you can call the police, have him removed and change the locks. Threats of suicide can be handled by calling emergency services.

You must proceed with the eviction, or face more of this in the near future. Blackmailing you with a video of you drunk will be neutralised if you can demonstrate sobriety for a length of time. By the time it becomes important hopefully that will be a matter of a year or more.

You're a legend for handling this without drinking.

Autumnlover19

Thank you, feelinggreat.
I have been keeping a journal and taking screen shots of the text messages. I have been trying to download all the text messages to a computer program but have not been successful so far. I am not very computer savvy...and he is a computer guy. I need to get on this and back it up NOW. Before he breaks my phone and/or computer, thus destroying my evidence. (He knows I'm keeping evidence.)

Autumnlover19

Also, I wish I would have been able to call 911 for the suicide threat text but it came in the middle of the night and by the time I got it, it was morning and there was an apology text as well.

Autumnlover19

Update: I just figured out how to save all his texts to my computer. All 5000+. What a relief! I've been working on it for weeks and I don't know what I did differently this time but it worked

maia1234

Jemma, does he have access to your computer? Do u want to store this on a portable back up drive and hide that some where.

He is not well and don't underestimate what he would do. Also if u get another suicide text call the police to do a well check. He won't do that again if the police are involved.

You are doing awesome. Sending hugs my friend, stay strong.

redatlanta

Get rid of him. No way No how one additional minute. You'll be sorry if you do.

Autumnlover19

I'm bringing my computer to my parents' house today.

Autumnlover19

You are all amazing. The craziness ensures. He was trying to start stuff with me this morning and I refused to engage. He cut me off when I asked him to move his truck, I was explaining that our friend's kid was coming by to mow the lawn. He said, yep, fine. And took off. I texted after a few minutes, asking if he would be gone long as I wanted to go to AA and hoped he could watch our son. He responded with "maybe." I said ok and texted my mom instead. She said no problem. I took a shower and packed my son and I to spend the night at my parents' camp again so I wouldn't have to be near AXBF anymore today/tomorrow.

Meanwhile AXBF shows back up at home. Says, go to your meeting. I said I am, but my mom will watch him and then we're going to the camp. He says, no, no, you don't get to decide to keep my son from me and on and on, eventually I'm a demented delusional c***, etc.

I carry my son to my car, ignoring axbf's threats and abuse. He follows me and takes my blankie that I've had since I was a baby (my security blankie that I sleep with every night, that he knows I would be devastated if I ever lost it) and tears it and says "blankie's gone." I try to take it back from him and he hurts my finger in the process. I call 911. He flees of course. Cops show up. They are familiar with our situation. Advise PPO if I feel afraid. They tell me to call them back anytime. They tell me they will have him out June 1st.

I can't believe it is coming to this. Why won't he just leave???

I'm just going to keep doing the next right thing. I have an audio recording of some of the verbal abuse. Thanks for your support. It is really helpful and means a lot.

Bekindalways

I second Feelinggreat's comment, "You are a legend for handling this without drinking".

As painful as the incident was, at least the police are now on board.

I so hope you had a lovely night away from him.

May your every moment be filled with dive bombing angels!!!