One glass of wine? Not admitting he has a problem? Help!
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Join Date: May 2016
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One glass of wine? Not admitting he has a problem? Help!
Hi all,
I am very happy I have found this forum. I am new and need an advice.
A bit of pre-history.
When I met my OH, he had a very good life. Traveling, having disposable income... With that came consumption of alcohol. In the beginning it did not alert me (we were not still living together). But, bottle during lunchtime, a bottle of champagne during our dinner date, following a bottle of red... Some more when we came home/hotel. I though, we are dating - having a good time, so probably ok. And, to be honest, I enjoyed the alcohol too. But I never had a problem.
After some time, I got to know, that when he was on his own, without me, he also had a LOT of alcohol. Drinking started after soon after 12. He rarely got really drunk (as in can't remember what happened the next day). He just slowly consumed 2-3 bottle of wine EVERY day, till the moment he was in bed.
That started way before I have met him.
He never thought himself an alcoholic. As sometimes he was able to stop for a month. Then go back to the same pattern again. He had a good job. Comfortable life. SO why not enjoy a glass of wine (or a bottle, or two).
First time I realized he might have a problem, was when we went on a trip, and first thing in the morning, when he woke up, he went straight to the mini bar and had a cheap wine from there.
For me it was a kind of a bell...
It was always wine or bubbles, never heavier stuff.
Then we moved in together. And drinking continued. Every DAY. A bottle or two.
I noticed how it changes him. Asked him to at least have a few days a week when we don't drink. Ir have alcohol during the weekend.
He was NEVER able to. Maybe one day... But the next day it all started again.
During our first 2 years together, we had a LOT of problems. He was going through a very difficult custody battle and divorce.
I was not an angel myself, and I lied. And flirted with other men still.
Later he blamed me that my behavior was the biggest reason he was drinking. BUT, now I know he DRANK like that WAY before he met me.
Why I stayed? I love him. Despite alcohol.
Then it got out of control. He lost his job, problems with ex, no new job. Me working like hell trying to support us. Financial problems. He lost it all.
Drinking was bad. I worked 16-18 hours day, every day, and guess, had ignored it.
Few times he got so drink he could not remember what he is doing. Few times he drove car being drunk. Irrational behavior. Being violent towards me - never remembering it afterwards (I could NEVER hurt you!)
Still, never admitting he had a problem.
Then, one day it all escalated. I told him I am leaving to stay with my mum for a few days. As I can't stand it anymore.
He completely lost it. Drank all he could, completely demolished the flat. Had no recollection of it. Smashed kitchen cabinets, all dishes, lamps... For 3 days he was in a state like that.
In the end, no matter how scared I was I had to get him.
Arranged with his family a plane ticket for him and for his sister to pick him up.
He was a complete mess...
3 weeks apart and he stopped drinking. Promised it will never go back to that.
I am still not sure that even at that time he realized he IS an alcoholic.
I took him back. Yes. Still loved him. And wanted to help. As he wanted help.
He stopped drinking. Nothing. Not a single drink.
Work improved.
I got pregnant. I thought - it all will be good now. It is a sign.
He still didn't drink. He kept his promise and we have never been happier.
Once when we were out on a date, he had a glass of wine. But just a glass. It did not continue. He said, he can drink responsibly. Once in a while a glass of wine. And that is it.
I am 17 weeks pregnant now. Yesterday was hard. He came home and said he needed a glass a wine. He wanted one.
I freaked out. Not because of him having a glass of wine (we made a deal, that if there is a BIG celebration, maybe a glass of champagne is ok, or if we have a date, a glass of wine to compliment a steak is ok too).
But the REASON behind it. Being NO reason.
I got very upset. It freaks me out.
He says I am over reacting and he is not an alcoholic, he is not addicted, he never wants to go back to where he was. He promises me it is not going to become a bottle a day.
That he is not addicted to it. Never was. Like with smoking he can't stop. If he doesn't have a cigarette, he suffers, as soon as he has, all is back to normal again.
But he is not an alcoholic, he says.
YET he forgets, that during those 3 weeks apart, first week was bad for him. Night sweats, not being able to sleep (I remember it now). Shaking.
That was an addiction?! And with alcohol once there is an addiction it is always there?
I am still upset about it.
I think he IS an alcoholic. There is no past tense for alcoholic. You can't say "I had a drinking problem, or I was an alcoholic". Once it was there, it always will be there?
Is a glass of wine EVER ok? Or is it a road back to hell? Slow but sure?
Or can an alcoholic have a glass of wine and keep to that?
PS: I am completely drink free. Even before I got pregnant. Do I occasionally want a glass of wine? As hell I do. But I never have one.
Am I right to be upset?
I am very happy I have found this forum. I am new and need an advice.
A bit of pre-history.
When I met my OH, he had a very good life. Traveling, having disposable income... With that came consumption of alcohol. In the beginning it did not alert me (we were not still living together). But, bottle during lunchtime, a bottle of champagne during our dinner date, following a bottle of red... Some more when we came home/hotel. I though, we are dating - having a good time, so probably ok. And, to be honest, I enjoyed the alcohol too. But I never had a problem.
After some time, I got to know, that when he was on his own, without me, he also had a LOT of alcohol. Drinking started after soon after 12. He rarely got really drunk (as in can't remember what happened the next day). He just slowly consumed 2-3 bottle of wine EVERY day, till the moment he was in bed.
That started way before I have met him.
He never thought himself an alcoholic. As sometimes he was able to stop for a month. Then go back to the same pattern again. He had a good job. Comfortable life. SO why not enjoy a glass of wine (or a bottle, or two).
First time I realized he might have a problem, was when we went on a trip, and first thing in the morning, when he woke up, he went straight to the mini bar and had a cheap wine from there.
For me it was a kind of a bell...
It was always wine or bubbles, never heavier stuff.
Then we moved in together. And drinking continued. Every DAY. A bottle or two.
I noticed how it changes him. Asked him to at least have a few days a week when we don't drink. Ir have alcohol during the weekend.
He was NEVER able to. Maybe one day... But the next day it all started again.
During our first 2 years together, we had a LOT of problems. He was going through a very difficult custody battle and divorce.
I was not an angel myself, and I lied. And flirted with other men still.
Later he blamed me that my behavior was the biggest reason he was drinking. BUT, now I know he DRANK like that WAY before he met me.
Why I stayed? I love him. Despite alcohol.
Then it got out of control. He lost his job, problems with ex, no new job. Me working like hell trying to support us. Financial problems. He lost it all.
Drinking was bad. I worked 16-18 hours day, every day, and guess, had ignored it.
Few times he got so drink he could not remember what he is doing. Few times he drove car being drunk. Irrational behavior. Being violent towards me - never remembering it afterwards (I could NEVER hurt you!)
Still, never admitting he had a problem.
Then, one day it all escalated. I told him I am leaving to stay with my mum for a few days. As I can't stand it anymore.
He completely lost it. Drank all he could, completely demolished the flat. Had no recollection of it. Smashed kitchen cabinets, all dishes, lamps... For 3 days he was in a state like that.
In the end, no matter how scared I was I had to get him.
Arranged with his family a plane ticket for him and for his sister to pick him up.
He was a complete mess...
3 weeks apart and he stopped drinking. Promised it will never go back to that.
I am still not sure that even at that time he realized he IS an alcoholic.
I took him back. Yes. Still loved him. And wanted to help. As he wanted help.
He stopped drinking. Nothing. Not a single drink.
Work improved.
I got pregnant. I thought - it all will be good now. It is a sign.
He still didn't drink. He kept his promise and we have never been happier.
Once when we were out on a date, he had a glass of wine. But just a glass. It did not continue. He said, he can drink responsibly. Once in a while a glass of wine. And that is it.
I am 17 weeks pregnant now. Yesterday was hard. He came home and said he needed a glass a wine. He wanted one.
I freaked out. Not because of him having a glass of wine (we made a deal, that if there is a BIG celebration, maybe a glass of champagne is ok, or if we have a date, a glass of wine to compliment a steak is ok too).
But the REASON behind it. Being NO reason.
I got very upset. It freaks me out.
He says I am over reacting and he is not an alcoholic, he is not addicted, he never wants to go back to where he was. He promises me it is not going to become a bottle a day.
That he is not addicted to it. Never was. Like with smoking he can't stop. If he doesn't have a cigarette, he suffers, as soon as he has, all is back to normal again.
But he is not an alcoholic, he says.
YET he forgets, that during those 3 weeks apart, first week was bad for him. Night sweats, not being able to sleep (I remember it now). Shaking.
That was an addiction?! And with alcohol once there is an addiction it is always there?
I am still upset about it.
I think he IS an alcoholic. There is no past tense for alcoholic. You can't say "I had a drinking problem, or I was an alcoholic". Once it was there, it always will be there?
Is a glass of wine EVER ok? Or is it a road back to hell? Slow but sure?
Or can an alcoholic have a glass of wine and keep to that?
PS: I am completely drink free. Even before I got pregnant. Do I occasionally want a glass of wine? As hell I do. But I never have one.
Am I right to be upset?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
If he's an alcoholic (can't say for sure, but sounds to me like he might be), then having a "reason" to drink doesn't make it OK. You've already given him "permission" to have one on "special" occasions. In his mind (and yours, apparently) drinking is still an option, as long as it doesn't get out of hand.
In truth, though, he doesn't NEED your permission to drink. He's an adult and allowed to make his own choices. I'd be worried, myself, if I were pregnant and my boyfriend/father of my child were an alcoholic.
You can't be the "alcohol police"--I really suggest you educate yourself about alcoholism--there is a lot of information in the sticky threads up top. And since you are troubled by his drinking, Al-Anon may be very helpful for you.
There are SOME heavy drinkers who are able to quit/moderate their drinking. Not every heavy drinker is an alcoholic. Sometimes it takes many rounds of unsuccessful attempts to "control" their drinking for alcoholics to realize their problem. For some people, it never happens.
Hugs,
If he's an alcoholic (can't say for sure, but sounds to me like he might be), then having a "reason" to drink doesn't make it OK. You've already given him "permission" to have one on "special" occasions. In his mind (and yours, apparently) drinking is still an option, as long as it doesn't get out of hand.
In truth, though, he doesn't NEED your permission to drink. He's an adult and allowed to make his own choices. I'd be worried, myself, if I were pregnant and my boyfriend/father of my child were an alcoholic.
You can't be the "alcohol police"--I really suggest you educate yourself about alcoholism--there is a lot of information in the sticky threads up top. And since you are troubled by his drinking, Al-Anon may be very helpful for you.
There are SOME heavy drinkers who are able to quit/moderate their drinking. Not every heavy drinker is an alcoholic. Sometimes it takes many rounds of unsuccessful attempts to "control" their drinking for alcoholics to realize their problem. For some people, it never happens.
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wombat 57.......I am so sorry for the reason that brings you here...but, I think your instincts are good to reach out for help.....
to be direct....Yes, I think you have every right to be upset. I don't think that he understands that, for an alcoholic, total abstainence is the only road to recovery......
For the alcoholic, the idea of never having a drink, again, seems like taking away breath, itself. It is their way of coping with life and their emotions. It is their best "friend"........
Being as you are pregnant....I hope that you will recognize that the child, an it's mother are the first priority, now.....
I totally get that you love him.....Very unfortunately, when it comes to addiction....love is not enough....
You didn't cause it....you can't control it...and, you can't "fix" it........
I hope that you will continue to post, here......and take advantage of the help and the caring that others who have been in your shoes have to offer.....
dandylion
to be direct....Yes, I think you have every right to be upset. I don't think that he understands that, for an alcoholic, total abstainence is the only road to recovery......
For the alcoholic, the idea of never having a drink, again, seems like taking away breath, itself. It is their way of coping with life and their emotions. It is their best "friend"........
Being as you are pregnant....I hope that you will recognize that the child, an it's mother are the first priority, now.....
I totally get that you love him.....Very unfortunately, when it comes to addiction....love is not enough....
You didn't cause it....you can't control it...and, you can't "fix" it........
I hope that you will continue to post, here......and take advantage of the help and the caring that others who have been in your shoes have to offer.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Once when we were out on a date, he had a glass of wine. But just a glass. It did not continue. He said, he can drink responsibly. Once in a while a glass of wine. And that is it.
He came home and said he needed a glass a wine. He wanted one.
so it's OK for him to DRINK in scenario #1, but NOT scenario #2, cuz.....you say so? i dno't mean to be snarky, but for all the nightmare backstory you provided where he was completely out of his head, out of control and violent, for him to first swear off completely and then you two to both AGREE that he CAN drink - but only at very specific times, that evidently YOU get to decide, not him, i'd say that neither of you really gets how serious this is.
however.....HE is not my concern. you are. there were red flags from the very start and yet you ignored them. when he "lost" his job, you took on massive hours to keep you both afloat, meanwhile he is drinking himself into a zombie. he then became violent towards you, which should be taught in kindergarten is a DEALBREAKER. then in a drunken blind rage he utterly destroyed your flat and you admit that altho you were afraid of him you felt you HAD to get him.
you ignored your own survival mechanism. you put yourself on the back burner for HIM. now he's back to drinking, and you are pregnant. it's not all sunshine and roses. odds are good he will continue to drink more and more and get out of control. maybe not tomorrow, but soon enough.
you are not married, so in cases like this, that is a good thing. you SHOULD have a plan, an exit strategy. your baby deserves a safe sane start to life. an addiction free life. a stable and secure life. and planning for that is NEVER a bad thing.
He came home and said he needed a glass a wine. He wanted one.
so it's OK for him to DRINK in scenario #1, but NOT scenario #2, cuz.....you say so? i dno't mean to be snarky, but for all the nightmare backstory you provided where he was completely out of his head, out of control and violent, for him to first swear off completely and then you two to both AGREE that he CAN drink - but only at very specific times, that evidently YOU get to decide, not him, i'd say that neither of you really gets how serious this is.
however.....HE is not my concern. you are. there were red flags from the very start and yet you ignored them. when he "lost" his job, you took on massive hours to keep you both afloat, meanwhile he is drinking himself into a zombie. he then became violent towards you, which should be taught in kindergarten is a DEALBREAKER. then in a drunken blind rage he utterly destroyed your flat and you admit that altho you were afraid of him you felt you HAD to get him.
you ignored your own survival mechanism. you put yourself on the back burner for HIM. now he's back to drinking, and you are pregnant. it's not all sunshine and roses. odds are good he will continue to drink more and more and get out of control. maybe not tomorrow, but soon enough.
you are not married, so in cases like this, that is a good thing. you SHOULD have a plan, an exit strategy. your baby deserves a safe sane start to life. an addiction free life. a stable and secure life. and planning for that is NEVER a bad thing.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
There seems to be some urban legends that propose an alcohol can control their drinking but I never met anyone on SR or in AA that managed to be a successful drinker again and that reality is supported by hundreds of alcoholics that I know or have had contact with.
Normal drinking is the fantasy of every alcoholic
Normal drinking is the fantasy of every alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
If he's that bad, the. No alcohol in any amount- ever. It will only stoke the fire and bring it roaring back to life.
It's a good sign of hope that he has been able to get some periods of sobriety under his belt.
It's a good sign of hope that he has been able to get some periods of sobriety under his belt.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...every single alcoholic that I ever met..."
"...To one day be able to drink like a normal person..."
I know I read a lot about this online, but I have never met an alcoholic in AA, or any type of recovery, who thought he, or she would, or wanted to be able to, go back to drinking like a nonalcoholic...........
Perhaps I just know the wrong people.....or mebbe the right people?
(o:
"...To one day be able to drink like a normal person..."
I know I read a lot about this online, but I have never met an alcoholic in AA, or any type of recovery, who thought he, or she would, or wanted to be able to, go back to drinking like a nonalcoholic...........
Perhaps I just know the wrong people.....or mebbe the right people?
(o:
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
My XABF said to me while he was in treatment for the second time, "I'm just having a real hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I can NEVER have another drink again." Well, guess what... He tested that... He went 67 days sober and had a drink. Just one. Then the next night he had a couple. Now he is back to the raging alcoholic he was before treatment. Didn't take long... and it didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't going to go through all of the abuse that came along with his drinking again. Believe me, I love him with all of my heart, but the longer I stayed with him, the sicker I became. This is not ok.... and it is definitely not ok for my kids to live through it again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4
Thank you for all your replies.
I will talk with him again, and hopefully he will understand that one glass is not worth to risk us.
And I must also keep my word not to drink ever again. Even one drink.
For me it's not worth it.
Thank you so much for your replies and support!
I will talk with him again, and hopefully he will understand that one glass is not worth to risk us.
And I must also keep my word not to drink ever again. Even one drink.
For me it's not worth it.
Thank you so much for your replies and support!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Your ex sounds similar to mine in some ways. He swore of drinking many times to come back to the whole "i can just have a drink every now and then" or "i can control it" and back and forth between "i have a problem and i dont have a problem". From my understanding this is right out of the A script. He cannot do this alone, and from what it sounds like, his alcohol problem has been pretty serious. You said he was violent with you? Smashed up his apartment? I have been there too, and I have gone back after the fact as well. But I will say this, you are having a baby and as im sure you know that little one is priority number one. Maybe I am just paranoid but if his behavior continues I would document everything going on in case you have to leave due to a custody dispute.
Not trying to be negative, just practical. I hope he can keep his drinking under control or even better stop for you and the baby. Wishing you the best.
Not trying to be negative, just practical. I hope he can keep his drinking under control or even better stop for you and the baby. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by alcoholics wife 
^^^ yep, my AH fantasy also. To one day be able to drink like a normal person. (Sigh)
*I* understand what those terms mean as a non-alcoholic. But what I think an active A means is that they want to be able to drink without consequences, regardless of quantity consumed.
Sue
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think most alcoholics have a perception that "everybody else" drinks the same way they do. But the alcoholic believes they've got some "secret" that, if only the alcoholic could figure it out, enables them to not have "bad stuff" happen when they drink.
It's all part of the warped thinking that goes along with alcoholism.
It's all part of the warped thinking that goes along with alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me
I don't really understand what a recovering A means by this statement. My XAH thinks that he drinks normally! And that he is a social drinker, meaning that he drinks around his friends. *I* understand what those terms mean as a non-alcoholic. But what I think an active A means is that they want to be able to drink without consequences, regardless of quantity consumed. Sue
an alcoholic will always remember their relationship with alcohol and even though a lot of it may be hell, a lot of it was good times too. Alcohol can be their best friends at times, their emotional regulator, their energetic lively fun night with buddies, their escape from the hardness of reality, their liquid courage....the list can go on.... So naturally if an alcoholic can have all the greatness alcohol brought on minus the bad stuff then the math is simple... alcohol = awesome
Thus it's easy for an alcoholic to fantasize in their minds how they can simply regulate and moderate to just not let the bad stuff happen when you drink too much. Easier said than done. That's why alcoholics attempt sobriety multiple times after many relapses because they got too tempted to try to moderate like a normal person. Similar to a gambling addict that knows they should walk away after losing but thinking that the next chance might be different and they may score the jackpot.
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