bailey17

Hi everyone-


seems I have a history of getting myself into relationships with men who have alcohol and drug problems. this last one was really bad. i posted here in July after 3 months of the relationship when I recognized all of the red flags, warning signs, etc etc. I posted here looking for help and unfortunately did not take the suggestions to get out before it got worse. well it got way worse, found myself in a very violent situation leading to me having to leave and stay with a friend, multiple calls to the DV hotline, and I am now living with my dad until I figure out what to do. I am overcome with shame. I understand I need to work on myself and figure out why I have again found myself in the arms of a man who is so damaging. right now I just need support. I didn't know it could get so bad. to be honest right now I am grateful to be alive. i've joined a DV forum as well and am interested in seeking group therapy. I started going to CODA again, a few months ago where I shared how my CODA issues are fatal. fatal. it's true. I urge anyone here who is struggling to really take a look at their situation. I learned that every 6 days a partner is killed in a DV situation. the relationship between alcoholism and domestic violence is huge. I've been debating on whether or not to post here because sometimes I feel like I get some "I told you so" responses but if that's what its going to take then so be it. I can't keep this a secret anymore. I am a strong believer in taking personal responsibility and accountability for my actions. But I think sometimes i take too much responsibility and forget that others have truly hurt me and it's not my fault. It's empowering to think that way and gives me the strength again to make choices for my own life. I think i'm a little lost and maybe just rambling.

I'm safe now and that's what matters. thank you to anyone who is listening. I re-read a lot of my old posts and realize I do have wisdom and strength, I just need to find it again and figure out what I missed last time.

Thomas45

Welcome back, and glad to hear you're okay.

Have you tried going to any individual counseling to learn why you're constantly involved with these types of men? It's certainly not your fault that there are people out there who do terrible things to others, but if you're being drawn back to similar people you may need help in building some better personal tools to keep these people out of your life before you become physically or emotionally enmeshed with them.

jada1981

Hi Bailey. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. As far as "I told you so" responses, just realize that as codependents, we have an illness much like that of an addict/alcoholic. It takes us reaching our rock bottom to finally admit it and get some help. I would also suggest counseling and also reading as much as you can. Have you read Codependent No More?

dandylion

baily......how can we help you NOW?........specifically?

dandylion

wildchild69

Hi Baily!
I too have been down a painful road with relationships...just about every relationship crisis there is, I've been through. It is empowering to realize that you have been treated wrongly as long as you do something to stop the cycle.
I can only blame myself for my issues with alcohol, but the binge drinking started and got bad because of my relationship choices. I seem to always pick the ones that bring me down the most.....unresolved addicts....etc...
I've been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out WHY I end up with those people. Where is my thinking going wrong?
I've learned the hard way from this past relationship that it REALLY matters who we put ourselves around. Easier said than done. I should have seen all the warning signs in this past guy, but I always jump from one relationship to the next as a way of covering up the hurt. It's left me very bitter and with serious anger issues that tend to come out with alcohol.
I know how you feel....keep your chin up and really think deeply about your next move.

redatlanta

I'm sorry for what happened to you. No "I told you so" here, I take it at your word you are lucky to be alive.

One thing you can do that will be immensely helpful is forego dating ANYONE for a good while. Codependents are drawn to broken people and vice versa, and Codies are broken people themselves.

I am overcome with shame. This reason, THIS is one of the primary reasons alcoholics and addicts don't get help and codies and enablers don't get help. For us its too hard to admit to someone what we put up with, how we accept doormat status, abuse, etc. Without the admission there is no way to change. Much like the addict we feel we can moderate and control ourselves, and the people we date. Swear it will never happen again. Then end up in the same boat or worse.

I am really proud of you that you are back in CODA and seeking other therapies. That's really awesome!

bailey17

Thank you for your replies. I 100% agree I won't be dating anyone for a while. I am committing myself to that. I have read codependent no more, i think it is worth another read. I also ordered some other books on amazon. I would love to seek individual counseling again but I cannot afford it and don't have insurance at the moment. I am looking into other options, I believe some counseling is offered with no cost at DV shelters. To answer dandylions question, I think what i need help with now is feeling as though I'm not alone in this, which the several replies are helping with.
I'm definitely drawn to broken people. I know at the root of it I have some serious self-esteem issues because before I got enmeshed with him, I was doing well, but it soon became this downward spiral where I truly believed I didn't deserve any better. I still have some of those thoughts, I know my thinking needs to be worked on. I've found myself starting to believe that all relationships are toxic and abusive and filled with alcoholism and addiction and I may as well just get used to it. I know that's a sign of hopelessness and a distorted thought that I must unravel. I've had relationships with healthier men in the past but the sick and suffering seem to stick longer-term. I know the pull wouldn't be so strong if I wasn't sick and suffering myself.

My self-esteem is at an extremely low point. I've been journaling a lot, trying to make some small goals for myself just to get through the day. I know the intense pain will pass and I'll start feeling better soon. Just trying to take one step at a time.

hopeful4

Hi Bailey.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in, however, I am so glad to hear you are reaching out for help. No one here will tell you "I told you so." We have all been in situations, most of us for many years. You have to be in a place to reach out for help and change for yourself, and it sounds like you are there.

You are welcome here always, and we are here for you! Sometimes it takes something really horrible to force us to seek change, so if you look at things in that light, this can be the thing that SAVED you!

Many, many hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!

dandylion

bailey....I think that a DV ongoing support group would be just the thing for y ou now!

dandylion

***after your read Co-dependent No More....May I suggest that you might read "The Sabre Toothed Tiger"
you can get it, used, fro amazon....

bailey17

thank you for the recommendation, I just added codependent no more to my amazon shopping cart, seems I lent mine out to a friend. i also just added the saber toothed tiger. looks like a good read. as well as "why does he do that"- was recommended to me on the DV forum.

it feels good just posting here again. my ex's alcoholism was far more progressed than the previous A i was with for several years who initially led me to this site. I know that not all alcoholics are abusive and not all abusers are alcoholics but mine has significant issues with both. which has led me to understand i need more support in addition to alanon and CODA. "this too shall pass" - doing all I can to stay strong and re build my self esteem.

neferkamichael

Bailey17, hang with us here, we are all rootin for ya.

ShootingStar1

Bailey, there is a book called Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships” by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. that would be very helpful to read. It talks about why it is that we repeat and replicate bad relationships, and how to move beyond that.

Good luck, stay close to SR, and you can and will heal.

ShootingStar1

healthyagain

Glad to hear you are safe and working on yourself! Being aware, just like you are aware of your situation and missteps, is actually a great advantage. It is like you get a new pair of glasses and see the whole world more clearly. Not only your romantic relationships, but also the relationship you have with yourself and everybody else. You will be able to read people better and their true intentions. You will be able to sense who is good for you, and who is just another bad story - male or female.

I agree that you should stay away from men for some time and heal first. That is one of the best pieces of advice that I myself decided to follow. Sooner or later, you are going to see the results. You will be happier, healthier, stronger and wiser than ever. And you will keep growing and glowing.

(Hugs)

bailey17

thanks shooting star- I also ordered that one too! i'm overwhelmed with the genuine support i have received, more so than I could have imagined. glad to be back (albeit the reasons are unfortunate), I never should have left. even though I felt as though I had moved on past my first ex-A, I still needed the support I found here and probably would have benefitted from supporting others. I'm really looking forward to my books

LexieCat

I'm so glad you're safe.

Remember, though, that even though you may have an attraction to "broken" people, that doesn't include a desire to be abused. Abuse isn't "the price you pay" for being co-dependent. So be a little cautious about being too quick to equate the two. Even though working on your co-dependence will be helpful in all areas of your life (not limited to intimate relationships), you would also benefit from support specific to your DV situation. In a violent relationship, the blame for the abuse falls SOLELY on the abuser--everyone has the choice not to use violence to control another human being.

Hugs, looks like you're on the right track--just keep those two things as separate as you can.

bailey17

thanks for pointing that out LexieCat, I felt like my codependent tendencies led me to stay in this relationship however in the book I am reading "Why do they do that" about abusive men, the author is very clear in saying that codependency does not cause or contribute to abusive behavior, "it is abusers, not their partners, who cause abusive behavior". the book mentions the same for substance abuse. abusing alcohol and drugs can worsen violent tendencies but it does not an abuser make. this was helpful for me because I remember with my ex, sometimes in the morning when he was still sober (not for long) he would still be screaming and raging at me. then when he would drink it would get worse, but sometimes it would actually be better when he drank, less irritable and in a better mood. very confusing.

anyway I'm doing a lot better. i've been journaling, going on walks with my dogs to the dog park, still taking piano lessons , journaling, and reading and staying with family. working on my self esteem. Thanks to everyone who has offered support or has read what I've written. just reading that you guys are in my corner gives me strength and the belief that I deserve a healthier life. and I got all those books in the mail already! so after this one, i have 3 more to read