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Old 03-12-2016, 01:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Sanity tips


Hello!

As I've been doing my best not to engage with my ABF and noy give in to the insanity, I've been reflectiong on what I've recently been doing that has helped me focused on me and feel better about myself. I thought maybe if these things offer me some comfort and help me stay in control of that which I can control - me, maybe the could help someone else. And maybe some of you have tips and strategies to share too! So here it goes:

I've been taking 3 dances classes a week, so it keeps me busy for 2 evenings a week. Through dance I've come to realized that making a fool of myself won't kill me. It aslo affords me the opportunity to get out of my head for 3 precious hours. Through that, I've met new people that are slowly becoming new friends.

I read a lot, which feeds my natural curiosity and my love of learning. It also provides me with a means of escape.

I've started taking Krav Maga classes. It give me a chabces to throw punches and kicks for a good 2 hours every week. But I think that the most valuable thing I'm learning is to defend myself. I think that in the long run, being able to defend myself from physical attacks will teach me to set and consistently enforce emotional/psychological boundaries. I also think it is slowly helping me gain confidence and walk woth my head held up high.

I try to rely and confided in my closest friends a bit more. You know, the type of friends that you know will me there for you if you call at 3 am, the ones that will you the thruth, the ones that love you no matter what. The have been wonderful.

What are your tips and tricks?
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Old 03-12-2016, 01:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm a bit confused. Is he still your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend. Just seeking clarification
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Old 03-12-2016, 01:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I can't seem to sever the last ties. But i'm getting better at detaching...
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Old 03-12-2016, 01:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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This may not be the advice you are looking for but it seems you are treating the symptoms and not the cause of the insanity.

I know only too well that alcoholism is progessive so his condition will only get worse.

There is hope because I was a late stage alcoholic but until I quit I was destined to destroy myself and those who loved me
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Old 03-12-2016, 02:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi MIRecovery,

You may be right, I might only be treating the symptoms, I don't know. They are manly things that I do for me so I don't engage in the insanity. Those are also things that help me take care of myself and gain some much needed confidence. I think that gaining self-confidence is something that I really need and also what will help me get to where I need to be to sever the last ties with him.

The way I see it, I have 2 choices : either this disease and my codenpendy swallow me whole or, one baby step at a time, I try to shift my focus from his problem and the insanity of the dynamic and I turn it to myself and to the things I can do to protect myself and get to the point where I can cut all ties once and for all.
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Old 03-12-2016, 04:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The biggest trick there is to learn about alcoholism as much as you can. This guy you are talking about is just not a great BF material. And he seems to be a bit abusive (the episode you described in your previous thread).

You do not have to answer this, but what exactly is preventing you to cut the ties? Have you ever tried to define it? Fear, obligation, guilt? What is so good about him that you would stay with him? These are questions you might wanna ask yourself.
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Old 03-12-2016, 05:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Healthyagain,

What is preventing me to cut ties? It is something I am actively trying to define and working on with my therapist. As I've said, the logical/intellectual process has been done, and is still being done. Intellectually, I know that I need to cut off all ties with him. It's emotionnaly that I have a problem. I have recently been through a few difficult and unpleseant therapy sessions. But I keep on going as I know it is something I need figure out and work on.

As many have said, this is a process. Now, two days ago I was finally able to say no to him when I didn't feel comfortable with what he had ask. Yesterday, it took me everything I had to tell him, somewhat calmly, that what his comment about the f*&?&* muffin wasn't necessary, wish him a good evening and just leave him there on a street corner. For me, that is a lot of progess. It's not something I would've done 2 months ago.

As for this particular thread here, it was more about "how do you do you?". I've always put the needs of others before my own. As I've always been afraid to do many things for fear of being judged, of not being good enough. So, for a while now, I've been learning to put myself first, I've discovered things and activity that help me focus on myself, gain confidence and discover what I'm made of. And yes, I also use these activities and strategies to help me not engage with my ABF when the insanity comes up. I was merely sharing the things that help me in my process, that make me feel good about myself and that offer me some comfort during periods of stress and anxiety. I was wondering what others do to focus on themselves, what helps them feel good and self-confident, as I thought I could learn something from it. I'm sure someone does something that I've never thought of doing that could end up putting a smile on my face in times of need.

Dumping my ABF for good doesn't mean that, from time to time, I won't feel the need to do something to gain more confidence, to relieve stress and anxiety, or that I won't want to keep working on myself.
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Old 03-12-2016, 06:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Oh, you are doing great! I hope you do not think I am criticizing you or something like that. Taking care and focusing on yourself is great. With time, you become stronger, and as you become stronger, you will clearly start seeing your future steps.

Here are some of my detachment techniques:

Taking a better care of my health, eating healthy, taking long walks, going for a bike ride, and taking care of my pets

Staying in touch with my family

Having hobbies, taking art classes, knitting, crocheting, reading, painting

Focusing on my job and career

I found some great apps with relaxing sounds for meditation

Pampering myself with small gifts from time to time
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Old 03-12-2016, 06:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Kata-I think you're doing great!!!! Seriously. Keep on this path of looking at yourself....that is all you have control over.
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Old 03-12-2016, 06:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Great thread Kata and congrats on doing what you can to take care of yourself. You sound like a wise woman.

I read a lot as a kid and many of those books I reread as comfort books now: Daddy Long Legs, Little Women Little House Books and anything by Georgette Heyer.

Like Healthyagain, I knit but most of all I just love to go to knitting stores and sit amongst the beautiful yarns. Many of these stores have tables or comfortable chairs where you can sit and knit or crochet.

I'm a depressive so exercise of any kind is a huge help. Also just getting out and trying something new or being with people even though I am an introvert of sorts.
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Old 03-12-2016, 06:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Healthyagain,

Would you mind telling me what are the apps for meditation you've found? That's something I've been meaning to try. I have ADHD and I don't know if it's even possible for my brain to get the hang of it, but I figure it's a great challenge and I think it's a great tool to have in life.

Fouourgirls, Thank you!!
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Old 03-12-2016, 07:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Take care of yourself. Drunks will stop when they are ready, or when they are forced to.

Regarding Krav maga....it seems like the latest new martial art.

While it seems like the real deal.....it might work for Israeli Spec Ops...but it will probably get the average person beat up or taken to court.

It appears highly aggressive w eye gouges and throat chops. That escalates a situation pretty fast if you don't blind or kill the attacker...plus it is hard to perfect eye gouging in class...

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu...on the other hand is pure self defense. Many of the moves are from the bottom position. This means you are already on your back. Easier to fight in court. There are no throat chops or eye gouges. Plus...wrestling w someone is fun. Training is very realistic, because you using all you energy to survive.

Finally, any decent bjj dude doesn't drink at all...and he will be able to handle himself in the street w out having to castrate the bad guy.

I have been doing martial arts for years....if you like this sort of thing... check out bjj.
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Old 03-12-2016, 08:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kata View Post
Healthyagain,

Would you mind telling me what are the apps for meditation you've found? That's something I've been meaning to try. I have ADHD and I don't know if it's even possible for my brain to get the hang of it, but I figure it's a great challenge and I think it's a great tool to have in life.

Fouourgirls, Thank you!!
Sure! I downloaded binaural beats apps (the name is Binaural Beats, Master Collection). They come in different frequencies, some are good for meditation, some are for sleep, some for energy boost. I used mainly those for deep sleep introduction, and they DID work.

Another app is Relax Melodies by Ipnos Soft. This one is great because in addition to binaural sound, you can choose a different relaxing sound, such as the sound of ocean, birds chirping, wind blowing, etc.

They are both free. I downloaded them for iPod, but they have versions for different OS.
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Old 03-12-2016, 11:38 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Kata, I can understand having no trouble cutting the ties for good. I'm in the same boat. I think by doing all these things you are doing you will find it easier to cut all ties. But we all do it on our own time frame. It's a process, as you said. But you are doing amazing things that will get you there when the time is right.

One thing that is really helping me is the app Coursera. You can audit classes for free and watch the lectures from different universities and take quizzes, etc. I am taking some that will teach me some skills that will help me in my job, and some for fun- a creative writing course, and history of rock and roll

As for the Krav Maga, IMO if you're being attacked you can't be too brutal in self defense. I'll take out some eyes instead of being raped. But really the classes are, I'm sure, a great work out and stress reliever.
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Old 03-13-2016, 08:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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D122y, Thank you for your concern and comments. While I do agree with you that Krav Maga may be harder to defend in court, I don’t think this will ever prevent me from using the techniques I’ve been learning if I ever have to fight for my life. Also, regarding what you said about “getting the average person getting beat up” or escalating a situation pretty fast, I have to disagree with you. As a 100-pounds-when-wet-woman (am I’m sure most women no matter their stature may feel the same), I am acutely aware that I am physically weaker than any male opponent I’ll ever encounter. One punch/kick is all it takes to injure me and prevent me for defending myself further. As for BJJ teaching many moves from the bottom position, I’m not sure I want to wait until I am in that position to defend myself. I also don’t see a problem with “having to castrate a bad guy” to defend myself! Why should I “fight fair” when my physical integrity is being threaten? I don’t think any attacker crossing my path will think, “oh, that woman is very tiny, it wouldn’t be fair to attack her, I’ll look for someone my own size”! I would also like to add that I haven’t been taught any eye gouges or throat chops. But really, as Priscilla84 said, the point of the class is that it’s a great work out and stress reliever, and does help me feel more confident. I’m sure BJJ could do that for me too, and If I ever get the chance to try it will!
Priscilla84, I’ve been meaning to check out those open and free online classes, but I didn’t know there was an app for that! Thank you!
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Old 03-13-2016, 08:40 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Regarding meditation/relaxation and free stuff, here's some things I've found:

This site 12 of the Best Free Guided Meditation Sites (Updated) lists a dozen sources. Yoga Journal also has a meditation section here: Guided Meditations: Free Audio Meditations

You can find tons more by simply googling "meditation free."

For sound/music, googling "binaural beats" or "isochronic tones" or simply "relaxation music" will give you more than you can ever hope to listen to in one lifetime! I'm particularly fond of the sound of singing bowls, and also of music by Steven Halpern (http://www.stevenhalpern.com/)--I like "Chakra Suite" and I also use his "Deep Alpha" and "Deep Theta" and find them beautiful and helpful.

Hope there's something useful in here for you--I find it amazing how these things that I previously found too "woo woo" have turned out to be more real than many of the things I thought were "real"...
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Old 03-13-2016, 08:50 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Oops, I meant that I can understand having trouble cutting ties for good. Not "no trouble." It's so difficult to give up all hope and close the book for good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Priscilla84 View Post
Kata, I can understand having no trouble cutting the ties for good. I'm in the same boat. I think by doing all these things you are doing you will find it easier to cut all ties. But we all do it on our own time frame. It's a process, as you said. But you are doing amazing things that will get you there when the time is right.

One thing that is really helping me is the app Coursera. You can audit classes for free and watch the lectures from different universities and take quizzes, etc. I am taking some that will teach me some skills that will help me in my job, and some for fun- a creative writing course, and history of rock and roll

As for the Krav Maga, IMO if you're being attacked you can't be too brutal in self defense. I'll take out some eyes instead of being raped. But really the classes are, I'm sure, a great work out and stress reliever.
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Old 03-13-2016, 03:09 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Priscilla84, no worries, I had read it that way!

Honeypig, thank you for all the suggestions. I too have found that things I use to find too "out there" actually work. I got to a point where there "usual" things weren't giving me the results I was expecting. At one point, my therapist suggested we try hypnosis. Something I didn't really believe in. I was exhausted and felt lilke I was going around in circle, so I said: why not, it can make things worse". Well it worked, and it helped. So since then, I've kept an open mind about it all and decided to reserve my judgment until I have tried without results!
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Old 03-13-2016, 03:13 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Kata, I don't know if you've yet come across the AA/Alanon acronym "G.O.D." for "Gift Of Desperation." I think desperation really IS a gift, b/c it allows us to put aside our pride and our preconceptions and try things that we wouldn't have considered trying if we weren't at our wits' end.

It might not be a pleasant place to be, but amazing things can happen there!
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Old 03-13-2016, 03:18 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Ahh! There's a name for it then! I call it my backed-against-a-wall syndrom! It is not a comfortable place to be, but it had been the fuel to my most productive moments and self-growth periods over and over. I have learned to welcome it comes.

In those moments, I'm usually open to anything that could potentially, maybe, one day help me. I'm able to make quick decisions, stop thinking and start acting.

Now, if only I could find a way to turn that "switch" on on command, that would be wonderful.
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