The New GF -- I need outside perspectives

Old 02-13-2016, 11:31 PM
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The New GF -- I need outside perspectives

I know she means well. Sh--. The last one I had to deal with did, too. It's just too bad that the "I'm only doing what's for the best" is what they think AXH wants and not what DS needs......

I'm trying very hard to not message her - the current one.

They sent a gift for DS and he left the card out after he read it. She sent a long note asking him to send them pictures; they would love to see him. Asking him to write; they so very much want to hear from him. Offering to send him photos of his father; he loves and misses him so. And repeat it all again.

1. AXH lost his right to see and talk to DS with the last custody hearing and after his last GF won a restraining order against him.
2. DS is 11. 11! He's still in grade school.
3. She's essentially a stranger to DS. He met her briefly at his grandfather's funeral. And she's begging him to send photos and write.
4. I send AXH the school picture order forms every year, so he can buy his own d--n school pictures for him and his family. And he doesn't.
5. AXH lost his rights to see DS. The court deemed him dangerous enough to say "no more" until AXH does some serious work on his issues. And AXH has to go back to court to prove it.

I don't want to open and screen the stuff they're sending, but it's unfair to ask DS to carry the weight of making a relationship with his abusive, alcoholic father.

I know that messaging her to tell her to stop and that AXH has a lot of stuff to do before he can be in DS's life will only sound to her like I'm a vindictive ex-wife. I know I could send her the court paperwork and transcripts from the hearings and the info on his last restraining order (and what he did to warrant it) and she still wouldn't believe it.

I know that the more she pushes AXH to fight to see DS, the more angry AXH will get, because he HASN'T told her the truth about why he can't see DS and why he WON'T do what the court told him to do. And there's now over 2000 miles between him and I, so she's the one who would be in more danger.

Do I tell her to stop and why? Knowing she won't believe it. Or do I just start screening the stuff they send so I can get a heads-up on what to talk about with DS? Or am I being an overprotective mom?
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Old 02-14-2016, 04:47 AM
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UGH! If it were me, I would screen it. Does he have an email account? I'd screen that, too.
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Old 02-14-2016, 04:51 AM
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What does your son think about this? He's the one who matters most here.

If he wants it to stop, I would have your attorney draft a letter outlining the court order and asking her to stop contacting your son.
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Old 02-14-2016, 05:04 AM
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You have 2000 miles and an Order that won't allow visitation at this time so I don't see eminent threat here. I agree with you that there is no telling what the Ex has told her as far as why he has no contact with his Son, I'm sure its along the lines of it being your fault.

Since it appears she is the one who is marching toward a reconciliation and not you Ex (at least that's what it appears to me), I think I would ignore it for now. My first inclination is to send her all the paperwork showing why there is no relationship; however, that could also result in her pushing Ex to do what the Courts ask and move toward reconciliation. Ex knows what he has to do and has not done it so if she pushed him too and he did I don't see that it would be authentic or beneficial for your child.

If it continues then I would most likely contact Ex, remind him of why things are the way they are, and politely request she stop. Stay on your side of the street. I suspect if bells ring that you "might" forward transcripts and Orders to her it would come to a screeching halt.

I am sorry for this woman and the Codie in me, hell the human in me, wants her to know what she has hooked up with. I don't see that will benefit you, in fact it could blow up on you. She probably has already seen the cracks and is dismissing them. That's on her.
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Old 02-14-2016, 05:34 AM
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I second Red....she will know soon enough who your ex is-they can't hide it forever. You're not being overprotective-you are a good mom and looking out for your child. Keep on truckin'!

And no-of course he hasn't told her why he can't see his own child-that would require telling the truth. You're not a vindictive ex-you're telling the truth-that's not vindictive, that's the right thing to do to keep your child safe.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, friend. Sorry your son is too. His dad is a dangerous person.
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Old 02-14-2016, 05:53 AM
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No, you are not being an overprotective mom, no way! Don't second guess yourself. You are doing what is in the best interest of your child, period.

You do not owe the GF or anyone else an explanation as to way the situation is what it is... I'm sure she will snap out of it soon enough. Keep screening any and all coorespondence from them, absolutely.
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Old 02-14-2016, 06:04 AM
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I agree with Lilro--screen all communication and ignore as needed. She has absolutely zero right to contact your son--she isn't even married to your ex, is she? And it doesn't sound like she's reaching out in ways that are hard for you to manage. Just throw that mail in the trash! I do think you should also talk to your son about the situation, if only to encourage open communication between you and him, but at some point you are also the mother who knows best.

I think often the simplest solution is the best. File those letters in the circular file and go about your day. Why get involved in negotiation with her? You owe her less than nothing, and him exactly nothing! No need to justify, accuse, defend or explain. Go about your business and leave their insanity to them.
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Old 02-14-2016, 06:10 AM
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I just read your post again and got a little ticked-she has no right to be contacting your son. Zero. Zilch.
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Old 02-14-2016, 06:33 AM
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I think I might send a polite note to the new g/f and tell her that nothing would please you more than for your son to have a happy, healthy relationship with his father, but that the family court spelled out conditions for that to happen, and they require his father to do certain things. So while you appreciate her intentions, it's his father that needs to do some things to make that happen, not his son. You could say that until Dad does those things to make it safe for them to have that relationship, you would appreciate her respecting the court's decision.

I think that might accomplish a few things: You're a reasonable person who respects her good intentions but also suggesting she doesn't have the full story. It's neutral enough in content that you don't come off like some wicked witch standing between a child and his father.

Whether it gets her to back off or not, it's hard to say, but it doesn't seem like it could hurt.
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Old 02-14-2016, 06:37 AM
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Screen, intercept the mail.

She has no right to be doing that and he's probably putting her up to it.

It's a form of stalking and harassment I'd say.




Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
I know she means well. Sh--. The last one I had to deal with did, too. It's just too bad that the "I'm only doing what's for the best" is what they think AXH wants and not what DS needs......

I'm trying very hard to not message her - the current one.

They sent a gift for DS and he left the card out after he read it. She sent a long note asking him to send them pictures; they would love to see him. Asking him to write; they so very much want to hear from him. Offering to send him photos of his father; he loves and misses him so. And repeat it all again.

1. AXH lost his right to see and talk to DS with the last custody hearing and after his last GF won a restraining order against him.
2. DS is 11. 11! He's still in grade school.
3. She's essentially a stranger to DS. He met her briefly at his grandfather's funeral. And she's begging him to send photos and write.
4. I send AXH the school picture order forms every year, so he can buy his own d--n school pictures for him and his family. And he doesn't.
5. AXH lost his rights to see DS. The court deemed him dangerous enough to say "no more" until AXH does some serious work on his issues. And AXH has to go back to court to prove it.

I don't want to open and screen the stuff they're sending, but it's unfair to ask DS to carry the weight of making a relationship with his abusive, alcoholic father.

I know that messaging her to tell her to stop and that AXH has a lot of stuff to do before he can be in DS's life will only sound to her like I'm a vindictive ex-wife. I know I could send her the court paperwork and transcripts from the hearings and the info on his last restraining order (and what he did to warrant it) and she still wouldn't believe it.

I know that the more she pushes AXH to fight to see DS, the more angry AXH will get, because he HASN'T told her the truth about why he can't see DS and why he WON'T do what the court told him to do. And there's now over 2000 miles between him and I, so she's the one who would be in more danger.

Do I tell her to stop and why? Knowing she won't believe it. Or do I just start screening the stuff they send so I can get a heads-up on what to talk about with DS? Or am I being an overprotective mom?
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Old 02-14-2016, 06:49 AM
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Just sending a hug to you and your son. Sorry you're experiencing this (again). I like Lexie's suggestion of a polite, factual note. Maybe tuck the note into a copy of Why Does He Do That?, because this exact scenario is presented in the first chapter of the book. The well-meaning new gf gets hooked in with a sob story and starts crusading to help her poor, beleaguered new love win back the love of his child(ren) from the vindictive, mentally unstable harpy who stole them away by lying about him being abusive. Ugh. What a s---show.
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Old 02-14-2016, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Yoga View Post
Screen, intercept the mail.

She has no right to be doing that and he's probably putting her up to it.

It's a form of stalking and harassment I'd say.
I think that's a bit of a stretch. I know that I worked very hard to try to help heal the relationship between my last ex and his kids. Toward the end of our relationship I suspected that his ex-wife was not the wicked witch he'd been telling me she was. Still, I never badmouthed their mom and never worked to undermine her--I just thought it was sad that the kids were sometimes estranged from their dad, whatever the reason.
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Old 02-14-2016, 07:15 AM
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Her behavior is completely inappropriate and personally the responsibility is on the father who is allowing such potentially uncomfortable contact with his son.

Her contact is most likely a VIOLATION of the court order... dad cannot try to get around the direct meaning of the order using another person. A no contact is a no contact.

I would send a certified letter to the dad and copy gf and acknowledge that her actions are most likely with the best of intentions but put the child in an uncomfortable and awkward position when the relationship is already troubled.

Let your husband know that if HE (not her the obvious codie rescuer being sucked into pitying the victimized dad ...lol) wishes to AT LAST do the right thing and obey the current court orders you would love to see a healthy and happy relationship develop with his son.

The important thing is letting your child know that you are not impeding a healthy relationship in the future but want to teach him that he himself can choose his own boundaries with his father and certainly interfering girlfriend.

Copy the court and if you have a lawyer have him review before sending.

Counseling is always great for kids caught in these sad, sad situations.

My heart is with you mom... been there done that and my kids turned out very healthy and KNOW how to set boundaries with their still troubled father... they are like the parents with him always giving him life advice and even at one point saving his money for him since he was unable to be a responsible person. Dad is some better and I like to think his kids as adults became his role models...

you can't make this stuff up.
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Old 02-14-2016, 07:22 AM
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My impression was that he was barred from visitation, not that there was a no-contact order in place. If there's a no-contact order then that's a different story.
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Old 02-14-2016, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post

1. AXH lost his right to see and talk to DS with the last custody hearing and after his last GF won a restraining order against him.
What exactly is your dilemma? He lost the right to see and talk. What rights does this woman have? None?

I'm really not getting it.

Your ex might use the kid as a sob story. "My mean mean wife does not let me . . . what a cruel cruel person she is . . . sniff." And the girlfriend fell for it. Abusive people do that to their new partners. They play victims. I just feel the boy is being used here. I would talk to him, and see what he thinks. But I clearly doubt a child so young feels like writing more often and sending pictures. He has smarter things to do. Such as being a kid.

I do not think you are overprotective.
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Old 02-14-2016, 08:43 AM
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you absolutely have the right and duty to screen what filters thru to your minor child. TVs have parental controls. Movies have ratings on what is appropriate to what age group.

His father is not allowed to contact him, period, right? this g/f is just an extension of him, so NOTHING sent from him/her/that address, etc should be allowed thru to the child. seems pretty cut n dried to me......if you don't want to open and screen, then just throw it in the trash and leave your son out of it. this is ALL too much for him to deal with.
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Old 02-14-2016, 09:05 AM
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I'd screen it. I wouldn't even waste time contacting this GF, why even waste your energy? She's an extension of your ex, so if he has no rights to contact why would she??
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Old 02-14-2016, 09:05 AM
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Ha, guess I just repeated anvil heads words. Very wise
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Old 02-14-2016, 09:38 AM
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I believe that is against the law to destroy or throw away someone else's mail.....

That is what I have read.....(I am not a lawyer)......

If I were in your shoes....I think I would just leave it alone.....
I think it would be a good thing to leave the door open for your son to talk to you about his feelings......in a non judgemental way (of course)......

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Old 02-14-2016, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
I believe that is against the law to destroy or throw away someone else's mail.....
Not for a parent opening a child's mail. They have every legal right to open, screen, or throw away what they don't want the child to receive (though of course money legally belonging to the child would have to be given to them or put aside in their name).

Of course, mail coming from the other parent could probably not be blocked without an order allowing it, but that would be a matter of interference with custody or something similar, not a federal crime.
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