saggirl1125

So, ABF found out that I reported him for DUI and got extremely drunk and got aggressive, not violent, but more aggressive than I've ever seen... I called his doctor, she said call police... police came and said they cant force him to go to detox or to even leave since he lives here too... so, I took his debit card, my kids and left for the night...

He went back to the program the next day, his therapist said that he should not return home until he's in treatment because it's cases like this that can lead to domestic violence... her and I set up a bed at a detox, he agreed, but then came back here wasted screaming that i was accusing him of domestic violence. Tried kicking him out, he couldn't find anyone to get him and passed out. An hour later, he was looking for his keys to leave, but he had lost them somewhere. He freaked out that I stole them and I told him to just take a cab to a hotel. He walked up the block, I locked my doors and tried to enjoy a bath while I had the house to myself with no ABF and no kids for the night.
Fast forward to after I am woken up by the police at my door because this idiot called them saying that I stole his keys and wont let him leave (while he's locked out?)! Police basically said that even if I did have your keys wed both be idiots if I gave them back. They felt bad for me since it was the second night of his shennanigans so they drove him to a hotel and helped him check in.
I called CPS and said I don't want him in my home unless hes sober and in treatment, they came for an investigation, meeting with my kids and ex husband at my house tomorrow and they're helping me get a safety plan in place so I dont have to worry about him not leaving.

Well, he aparantly got even more drunk at the hotel and called a bunch of people talking about suicide.

Someone called on him, police called me and took him to the hospital. At the hospital, they didnt even give him a psych eval and he just called to see if I could get him, they want to discharge him to me. I feel HORRIBLE about saying no but I knew I had to. I knew it meant he'd be calling his ex who will start another **** storm, that he'd be really angry with me and that I'd have no way to know if he's okay or "moniter" the situation.

It's SO HARD TO LET GO OF THAT but I did refuse to get him. I told the nurse that if she felt he was safe to leave the hospital than she shouldnt need me to take responsibility by signing for him. I said if the doctor felt he was okay to leave than she should sign the release papers, not me. I called his sister, gave her the number and told her do what she wants, I'm staying out of it. So now he's "done" with me and I'm such a scumbag. I think I can live with that though.

Still, the thought of him calling his ex and going home with her is making me feel like a basket case!!! I know I shouldn't care, I know I can't control it, so I'm using my rational brain to act, but that rational part is NOT lining up with my emotions... I feel like I'm going to throw up =, but kind of proud of myself for finally saying no and relinquishing some control.

Thumpalumpacus

You did the right thing, take heart in that.

saggirl1125

Ahhh!! his ex wife is now calling and texting me like crazy and he's calling for me to come get him... This is SO friggin HARD! It shouldnt be... I know the advice I would give I were my friend and Im trying to follow it, but I can't believe how hard it is!

amy55

Do not pick him up. You did the right thing. Ex wife is calling because, I guess, she doesn't want to pick him up. He isn't done drinking. I don't think he is even done drinking for the night. He's getting more aggressive. I never would have believed that my ex would be physically violent until he was.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy

Thumpalumpacus

Don't answer his calls or texts, that's my advice.

jjj111

You absolutely did the right thing by bowing out of the situation and getting CPS involved. I'm guessing they will help you get a restraining order. Maybe now it's time to turn off the phone and go back to that bath? Take care of you!

amy55

I don't know how you were dealing with these things before this all happened. It seems like he is escalating, in both drinking and aggressiveness. I would go for an RO right now. You have cops as your witness to his behavior. Keep yourself safe and your kids safe. I have a feeling that he knows he is losing control over you, and that is one of the most dangerous times.

(((((hugs)))))
amy

saggirl1125

Thanks everyone. I blocked the exes number... she's calling to yell at me and tell me it's my fault and that he hates me... Im just deleting texts as the come in and not reading anymore. For some reason with my phone I can block her calls but not texts. I'm not answering his calls at all. His car is still here and he has no keys which he's blaming me for so I don't know how that's gonna go over but I'm bracing myself to have to call cops again. For now, I'm just going to cuddle up with my boys and watch Annabelle

redatlanta

Sometimes when we are in the thick of it its hard to see.....this is coo koo land. If this is how you have been living my dear, this is not a way to live.

Please do not pick him up. You have been warned the potential for Domestic Violence is present. He is out of control. You have also gotten CPS involved 0 do not risk your children with this man - YOU could get in trouble. You can't be sending mixed signals to him. It WONT HELP HIM AT ALL.

Ariesagain

Dunno...sounds like he and his ex are made for each other.

BE SAFE. Please don't assume just because he hasn't been violent physically that he won't be in the future. Verbal abuse and terrorizing is still violence!

Restraining order, as soon as possible.

amy55

Kids are not gone, they are there tonight.

Just know that you can call those cops that you have been dealing with about filing an RO right now, and also ask them to do runs past your house multiple times tonight. You do not have to wait till Monday to file an RO.

Lock all of those doors. He is angry, most likely drunk, or will be drunk, and getting more aggressive.

Thinking of you, and stay safe, no matter what you need to do.

amy

FeelingGreat

Hi Saggi, just sending support to you and admiration that you're able to overcome your natural feeling and act rationally.

I bet the EXW is regretting she ever got involved with him again. That would be you if you engaged with him now.

AnonSara

I agree with Aries! I'd say let the ex handle the situation if she's so upset with your decision to stop caregiving for someone who is not taking care of himself. You can't work harder on helping someone than they are willing to work for themselves. Use your energy on you and your children.

ladyscribbler

You're doing the right thing. Do you have some real life support for when the doubts come creeping in? Alanon and individual therapy have both helped me. My life was seriously unmanageable by the time I finally ended my alcoholic relationship, and I had a lot of personal recovery to do to sort out how and why I let things get to that point. Like red pointed out, it's hard to see how truly crazy the situation is when you're in the middle of it.

saggirl1125

Thank you all!!! Can I ask you guys some advice... Not really sure where the line is drawn with helping and enabling obviously... He got a friend to sign him out of the hospital and is staying at a hotel. He left me a message asking if I could help him get into a detox center and if i can take him there in the morning. Should I do it? really not sure what to do here

LexieCat

Sounds to me just a ploy to hook you back in. If he wants to get into a detox he can do it, and figure out a way to get himself there.

Seriously, this is NOT something you need to do for him.

Ariesagain

He has a doctor. Let him call her to set up the detox.

He can find another ride. He still has at least one friend and his ex.

This all assumes he'd even try to show up...honestly, it just sounds like another drunken tactic to keep you involved.

If he's really serious, he'll find a way.

Liveitwell

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooo.

amy55

I'm going to say "no". This is only my opinion. He was in the hospital, he wouldn't stay there. He has enough money for a hotel. I'm betting he could have also afforded a cab. I think you mentioned a few days ago that they police were trying for a 5150? May have the numbers wrong there. Don't know. I just know that he has been getting to safe places for him, and then leaving them. To me, this sounds like the pity party and manipulation. Now, lets not forget the dual diagnosis. I doubt if he is on meds for the bipolar. You have no idea of what his state of mind will be like tomorrow. How much do you know about bipolar? Has he been delusional, or hallucinating? Remember he is most likely drinking and not under medication.

I don't think that I would feel safe around him right now, especially with him knowing that you called the police because of his drunk driving.

He is not showing any signs of stability. He has encountered the police how many times now. Is it 2 or 3 times. He seems to have no fear of them.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Thumpalumpacus

Let him find his own way to detox. His text is a baited hook, I bet.