Help the more I push to keep him the more I fear I have lost him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Help the more I push to keep him the more I fear I have lost him
Hi I have a AH and I love him so much yet he is so angry and depressed and somehow every argument we have turns into how I am at fault for either driving him to be the way he is or its my fault for not understanding how to motivate him. I feel worthless and I don't know why I am always the one apologizing. He always threatens to leave! He doesn't leave but each time I lose more and more of him. He won't stop drinking. He just quit his job with no notice because well I can't get into the whole history of his "career" but he felt he could not ethically be there and he couldn't work for people less experienced than him. The issue with me is he has a spending problem and we are in debt and already filed bankruptcy because of his issues so quitting the job with nothing in the pipeline put us at risk of losing what we have left. Yet he yelled at me for only caring about his paycheck! Believe me if I only cared about the paycheck that he could earn I would have never married him. Anyway we fight and then he goes online and finds these women on craigslist to chat with. He answers personal ads and tries to meet them. Luckily nothing has ever happened....yet... but its just a matter of time. He blames me for driving him to it and says unless I can trust him we have no future.. Can you believe it him threatening me to leave for not trusting him enough when that his is go to! Then blames me for pushing him to it, for being boring and conservative that he just looks for excitement. If I was logical or even heard someone else saying this I would tell them to leave but i cant. I can't leave so instead I sit in fear of "when" he is going to. He has one foot out the door but never leaves. He always finds a way to blame me for why I don't treat him like a man, I control him (maybe I do a bit) I control the money ( I do that because he is irresponsible and can't priortize bills) I treat him like kid and I snoop on him. He does not feel like a man. So yes I fear he will look elswhere for the excitement i don't bring him. I don't want him to go. I want the man I fell in love with back. We have a 13 year old, and he goes back and forth between threatening to take him away (he can because its my step son) or leaving him with me and never coming back. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like he has checked out. All he does is compare me to his ex who controlled him too... lately I am starting to realize the issue in that relationship was most likely him being the same way. I am lost and don't know what to do, how to fix it, how to get the spark back any of it. Why do I have to live him fear of when he goes! And he tells me as soon as I can stop being afraid he will be back and try again but I tell him how can i not be afraid when all you do is threaten to go and answer craigslist ads, I check his email all the time and his phone and its making me crazy!!! Help! What do I do?? How do I get my sanity and my confidence back. How do I get my life back and my husband's love back. He says he won't stop drinking, he doesn't care he is trying to die and I give him not motivation to live that he will drink till his kidneys go out. Yells at me for going to a therapist and not talking to him. I do control a lot of stuff to try and make him stay,,, Is it all my fault? Did I break him and emasculate him? Did I make him like this? I am lost and I am afraid, I am constantly living in fear and anxiety and I cant do it anymore
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi! I am so glad you found us. I am sorry no one has responded yet but a lot of us are in earlier time zones so your post was in the middle of the night. I hope you have stuck around and read some of the stickies. They are a great source of information.
I also want to let you in on a little secret. None of this is your fault. None. I know this because I was an alcoholic myself. Your husband is doing this to keep you crazy and to keep the focus off the real problem. That problem is he is an alcoholic. Now not all alcoholics are @ssholes some of us are. We will do anything, say anything to keep the focus off of us and our addiction. But, you don't have to play the game. Keep up with your therapy, stick around here, find an Al-Anon meeting if you can and stop trying to control things. You can't. If he is going to cheat, he will. If he is going to leave he will. The only thing you can control is yourself. Take back your dignity and stop the controlling.
You aren't alone. You have us. Don't ever forget that ok? Again welcome! I am glad you are here.
I also want to let you in on a little secret. None of this is your fault. None. I know this because I was an alcoholic myself. Your husband is doing this to keep you crazy and to keep the focus off the real problem. That problem is he is an alcoholic. Now not all alcoholics are @ssholes some of us are. We will do anything, say anything to keep the focus off of us and our addiction. But, you don't have to play the game. Keep up with your therapy, stick around here, find an Al-Anon meeting if you can and stop trying to control things. You can't. If he is going to cheat, he will. If he is going to leave he will. The only thing you can control is yourself. Take back your dignity and stop the controlling.
You aren't alone. You have us. Don't ever forget that ok? Again welcome! I am glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 71
Hi, sorry you are here but glad you found this page!
None of this is your fault.... he is like this because he is an addict and this is what a lot of them do and because you are trying to come between him and his first love (alcohol) and all of the issues that come with it he is going to blame you for all of his problems... but this is not your fault... addicts lie, cheat and betray their loved ones to protect their addiction... you didnt cause this, you cant control it and you cannot cure it!
Most of us here were and some still are in the same situation as you are now! He sounds exactly like my AH!! I screamed and shouted and begged and cried for him to get help and it just pushed him further away until I just couldnt take it anymore and asked him to leave... which he did and he was no sooner out our front door when he met someone else... and guess what he is still drinking and still has problems which means I didnt cause them!
Look after yourself that is all you can do... find a Therapist who specialises in addiction and stick around here... read the stickies and keep on posting... you came to the right place
None of this is your fault.... he is like this because he is an addict and this is what a lot of them do and because you are trying to come between him and his first love (alcohol) and all of the issues that come with it he is going to blame you for all of his problems... but this is not your fault... addicts lie, cheat and betray their loved ones to protect their addiction... you didnt cause this, you cant control it and you cannot cure it!
Most of us here were and some still are in the same situation as you are now! He sounds exactly like my AH!! I screamed and shouted and begged and cried for him to get help and it just pushed him further away until I just couldnt take it anymore and asked him to leave... which he did and he was no sooner out our front door when he met someone else... and guess what he is still drinking and still has problems which means I didnt cause them!
Look after yourself that is all you can do... find a Therapist who specialises in addiction and stick around here... read the stickies and keep on posting... you came to the right place
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
None of this is your fault. He is in full-blown addiction and will do, threaten, or say anything that will keep him from being without his alcohol.
If he can continue to blame you, or his ex, or his boss, he never has to face his own actions or his addiction.
There are wonderful people here who can provide support and absolutely, keep going to your counselor and find some Al-Anon meetings to attend.
Document each incident and start saving up an emergency fund for you. And honestly, pack him a bag. The next time he threatens to leave, hand it to him. If you're lucky, he'll go find codependent #3.
I'm so sorry. Sending you a hug.
If he can continue to blame you, or his ex, or his boss, he never has to face his own actions or his addiction.
There are wonderful people here who can provide support and absolutely, keep going to your counselor and find some Al-Anon meetings to attend.
Document each incident and start saving up an emergency fund for you. And honestly, pack him a bag. The next time he threatens to leave, hand it to him. If you're lucky, he'll go find codependent #3.
I'm so sorry. Sending you a hug.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
Yup, you're crazy. Just like a lot of us became, as a result of living with alcoholism. The good news is you CAN be restored to sanity. Al-Anon is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now.
Living with an alcoholic is exhausting and demoralizing. Just being in the company of others who GET it will be a relief. Yes, you've become controlling--as a lot of us were. It's a RESPONSE, though, to the craziness we are living with. You didn't CAUSE him to drink (whatever he says), you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. There is a lot you can do for yourself, though. And even though in time you may decide to leave the relationship, you don't have to make that decision right this minute.
I do suggest, though, that you talk with a lawyer about how you can protect yourself financially, and to get an idea of your options if you do decide to leave.
Is your stepson's mom in the picture? This environment has to be affecting him greatly. There is Alateen for kids, which might be very good for him.
Stick around here, too--read the "sticky" threads up top, and start educating yourself about alcoholism. There is a lot to learn and it's not like any other disease out there in terms of how you, as a partner, deal with it. The "rules" that apply to other kinds of illnesses don't apply here, and may actually make things worse.
And finally, keep breathing. This is a marathon, not a sprint, but you can get to sanity, freedom, and happiness.
Yup, you're crazy. Just like a lot of us became, as a result of living with alcoholism. The good news is you CAN be restored to sanity. Al-Anon is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now.
Living with an alcoholic is exhausting and demoralizing. Just being in the company of others who GET it will be a relief. Yes, you've become controlling--as a lot of us were. It's a RESPONSE, though, to the craziness we are living with. You didn't CAUSE him to drink (whatever he says), you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. There is a lot you can do for yourself, though. And even though in time you may decide to leave the relationship, you don't have to make that decision right this minute.
I do suggest, though, that you talk with a lawyer about how you can protect yourself financially, and to get an idea of your options if you do decide to leave.
Is your stepson's mom in the picture? This environment has to be affecting him greatly. There is Alateen for kids, which might be very good for him.
Stick around here, too--read the "sticky" threads up top, and start educating yourself about alcoholism. There is a lot to learn and it's not like any other disease out there in terms of how you, as a partner, deal with it. The "rules" that apply to other kinds of illnesses don't apply here, and may actually make things worse.
And finally, keep breathing. This is a marathon, not a sprint, but you can get to sanity, freedom, and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Did I make him like this?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
right now you are in a hostage situation.....you are held hostage by HIS disease and by your desire to FIX it. and hon, you just can't. i know you want the guy you fell in love with back, but he's gone......THIS is who he is NOW. and it's not pretty. he has given EVERY indication that he is no longer committed to you or the marriage....he is fully committed to his addiction and there is no room for anything or anyone else.
add to that his predilection for seeking out other women. married people who are committed to their partner don't DO that.
while he threatens to leave, he does not because right now YOU still provide a roof over his head, food on the table, etc. already being in bankruptcy and quitting his job are further signs he's already checked out on you. and now just abuses you for kicks. pretty sick.
you'll need to do some soul searching on what it is you are trying so hard to hold on to. somewhere you lost yourself and it's time to start the mission to find her again.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
right now you are in a hostage situation.....you are held hostage by HIS disease and by your desire to FIX it. and hon, you just can't. i know you want the guy you fell in love with back, but he's gone......THIS is who he is NOW. and it's not pretty. he has given EVERY indication that he is no longer committed to you or the marriage....he is fully committed to his addiction and there is no room for anything or anyone else.
add to that his predilection for seeking out other women. married people who are committed to their partner don't DO that.
while he threatens to leave, he does not because right now YOU still provide a roof over his head, food on the table, etc. already being in bankruptcy and quitting his job are further signs he's already checked out on you. and now just abuses you for kicks. pretty sick.
you'll need to do some soul searching on what it is you are trying so hard to hold on to. somewhere you lost yourself and it's time to start the mission to find her again.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
This is very typical behavior of some alcoholics/addicts projecting blame for their issues on someone else. He is emasculating himself, not you. Honestly, there is nothing you can do to make things better. Likely the best thing you could do for he and yourself would be the next time he threatens to leave, tell him, "don't let the door hit you on the a** on the way out." No one deserves to be treated the way YOU are being treated. The only way he will get better is to lose everything on which he uses to blame his issues.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lostange.....I agree with the advice that has been given by the other posters.....
Especially, the part about finding out your legal rights.....and getting to an Alanon meeting.....
You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't "fix" it.....
He is going to do what he is going to do....the question, now, is...what are you going to do?
dandylion
Especially, the part about finding out your legal rights.....and getting to an Alanon meeting.....
You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't "fix" it.....
He is going to do what he is going to do....the question, now, is...what are you going to do?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hugs hon...Everything above is absolutely correct. Everything already spoken, if you apply it -- begin reading those stickies at the top of Friends and Family page, find an alanon meeting, make sure you continue therapy (hopefully your therapist specializes in addictions and codependency) -- then you will begin to see light at the end of this very dark tunnel you find yourself. There is a way out of this, but it begins with you. I know that sounds weird because it's him that is abusing you and alcohol -- it sounded weird to me too the first time someone pointed that out to me. Truly, to get out of this situation, you must focus on yourself and begin educating yourself about alcoholism. Its a journey. One step at a time.
You didn't cause this sweetie, and it's true, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Trying to control, cure, or blame yourself for causing it accomplishes one thing -- driving you crazy, you know, all those crazy feelings you admitted to having. You're brave for coming here and sharing...Its the beginning of a healing journey out of hopelessness...Tight hugs!
You didn't cause this sweetie, and it's true, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Trying to control, cure, or blame yourself for causing it accomplishes one thing -- driving you crazy, you know, all those crazy feelings you admitted to having. You're brave for coming here and sharing...Its the beginning of a healing journey out of hopelessness...Tight hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Thanks for all the replies. I still feel guilty and like its my fault he is shutting down. I never ever say anything about asking him to stop drinking so is he mad at me really for coming between him and his drinking? I want him to be employed and F*** him for not wanting to take a job that is "beneath" him. How dare I force him to do menial work to support us. Life is to be lived and enjoyed he says not to be wasted doing work that doesn't praise his skills and abilities. So I guess I come between him and his pleasure seeking ways. He went to treatment once and embraced it for about a week after he got out then it went to hell. AA sucks, bunch a losers he never used any drug so he is different than all of them because he is the only one in the world who drinks alot but has not touched any other drug so he is different and does not belong there. Drinking is legal and AA is for criminals who do drugs.
He used to be cop before he lost his job because of his ego and pride and attitude. He did not start drinking heavily until he lost that job. He is a cop so he can't be in a 12 step he counseled and arrested those people he does not belong with them. I found a program that specializes in addiction with law enforcement only but he refuses. Says he wants to drink because he cannot kill himself so this let's him die slowly. AA is for losers and is a fake cult.
Anyway.. I stopped telling him its me or the drinking so I read all your wonderful heartfelt responses that tell me its because I am keeping him from his drinking? Is that true is that why he is treating me like this. I think he is mad because I want him to be a grown up and WORK, be a man and help take care of the "things" he wanted us to buy and afford our rent and not be evicted.
He told me last night he is better off alone. All women are the same and we all end up not supporting him and controlling him. Its the same as it always was he only stays for our son (his son) and when he is on his feet he will leave. My fault for not trusting him. REALLY?? Just two weeks ago he was on craigslist again and says I can't let go of the past!! The past?!! the past he is talking about is 2 friggen weeks ago. If it was last year and had not happened since I could see him trying to make that argument. It is still new and raw and not my fault for not trusting him. He is a narcissicist who wants it his way. I control things I do, I am afraid to give him too much money because I don't want him to have enough to buy any women drinks or to spend it on lottery tickets so he has more to womanize with. Also we just don't have it with him not working.
I wish our son had another parent to help but his mom abandoned him when he was two. I am his step mom and have no legal rights but I feel like my AH is just using me and as soon as he can find a woman to rescue him he will leave and the saddest thing of all is I care! I want him to remember why he fell in love with me too and instead he tells me all the reasons I made him fall out of love with me. I have no spark and no excitement in my life. I am robotic and boring. My affection is faked and forced.
The reason I tell him is I am afraid, he is always saying i am leaving or I know he is secretly trolling the web. Why would I give my whole self to him to be rejected. When ever I try to be physical half the time he pushes me away and tells me I turn him off. Wouldn't anyone be scared to try if they are rejected so much! I am not forcing my affection but I am timid because I never know how he is going to react. Its not fake or forced but he says I need to get over being a scared, timid weak girl and be a woman with confidence.
God its all feeling like my fault. Is it his drinking really is that the main reason or is it all the damage already there from his life (tons of child abuse, losing his job as cop, depression) that is the problem and the drinking a symptom of that. He stopped once for six months, nothing got better so I just don't know anymore. Somoene please tell me is it the drinking or is it just totally unfixable.
I know my part in all this I do but is it really me turning him off, holding on too tight and pushing him away?
He tells me half the time to leave because he is the wrong man for me, he can't be what I need and I should be with someone better to the other half saying its me, I am not a strong enough, confident enough woman for him, I am dead and robotic inside, not passionate about him or life and a controlling mother.
help??
He used to be cop before he lost his job because of his ego and pride and attitude. He did not start drinking heavily until he lost that job. He is a cop so he can't be in a 12 step he counseled and arrested those people he does not belong with them. I found a program that specializes in addiction with law enforcement only but he refuses. Says he wants to drink because he cannot kill himself so this let's him die slowly. AA is for losers and is a fake cult.
Anyway.. I stopped telling him its me or the drinking so I read all your wonderful heartfelt responses that tell me its because I am keeping him from his drinking? Is that true is that why he is treating me like this. I think he is mad because I want him to be a grown up and WORK, be a man and help take care of the "things" he wanted us to buy and afford our rent and not be evicted.
He told me last night he is better off alone. All women are the same and we all end up not supporting him and controlling him. Its the same as it always was he only stays for our son (his son) and when he is on his feet he will leave. My fault for not trusting him. REALLY?? Just two weeks ago he was on craigslist again and says I can't let go of the past!! The past?!! the past he is talking about is 2 friggen weeks ago. If it was last year and had not happened since I could see him trying to make that argument. It is still new and raw and not my fault for not trusting him. He is a narcissicist who wants it his way. I control things I do, I am afraid to give him too much money because I don't want him to have enough to buy any women drinks or to spend it on lottery tickets so he has more to womanize with. Also we just don't have it with him not working.
I wish our son had another parent to help but his mom abandoned him when he was two. I am his step mom and have no legal rights but I feel like my AH is just using me and as soon as he can find a woman to rescue him he will leave and the saddest thing of all is I care! I want him to remember why he fell in love with me too and instead he tells me all the reasons I made him fall out of love with me. I have no spark and no excitement in my life. I am robotic and boring. My affection is faked and forced.
The reason I tell him is I am afraid, he is always saying i am leaving or I know he is secretly trolling the web. Why would I give my whole self to him to be rejected. When ever I try to be physical half the time he pushes me away and tells me I turn him off. Wouldn't anyone be scared to try if they are rejected so much! I am not forcing my affection but I am timid because I never know how he is going to react. Its not fake or forced but he says I need to get over being a scared, timid weak girl and be a woman with confidence.
God its all feeling like my fault. Is it his drinking really is that the main reason or is it all the damage already there from his life (tons of child abuse, losing his job as cop, depression) that is the problem and the drinking a symptom of that. He stopped once for six months, nothing got better so I just don't know anymore. Somoene please tell me is it the drinking or is it just totally unfixable.
I know my part in all this I do but is it really me turning him off, holding on too tight and pushing him away?
He tells me half the time to leave because he is the wrong man for me, he can't be what I need and I should be with someone better to the other half saying its me, I am not a strong enough, confident enough woman for him, I am dead and robotic inside, not passionate about him or life and a controlling mother.
help??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
I know I do need to figure out what I am trying to hold on so tight to. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel rejected and dejected. I miss what it was supposed to be. He says there is no more spark him me but he stopped trying to ignite it and I died a bit. I am scared to start over and not have him in my life and heart.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
Did I make him like this?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
right now you are in a hostage situation.....you are held hostage by HIS disease and by your desire to FIX it. and hon, you just can't. i know you want the guy you fell in love with back, but he's gone......THIS is who he is NOW. and it's not pretty. he has given EVERY indication that he is no longer committed to you or the marriage....he is fully committed to his addiction and there is no room for anything or anyone else.
add to that his predilection for seeking out other women. married people who are committed to their partner don't DO that.
while he threatens to leave, he does not because right now YOU still provide a roof over his head, food on the table, etc. already being in bankruptcy and quitting his job are further signs he's already checked out on you. and now just abuses you for kicks. pretty sick.
you'll need to do some soul searching on what it is you are trying so hard to hold on to. somewhere you lost yourself and it's time to start the mission to find her again.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
right now you are in a hostage situation.....you are held hostage by HIS disease and by your desire to FIX it. and hon, you just can't. i know you want the guy you fell in love with back, but he's gone......THIS is who he is NOW. and it's not pretty. he has given EVERY indication that he is no longer committed to you or the marriage....he is fully committed to his addiction and there is no room for anything or anyone else.
add to that his predilection for seeking out other women. married people who are committed to their partner don't DO that.
while he threatens to leave, he does not because right now YOU still provide a roof over his head, food on the table, etc. already being in bankruptcy and quitting his job are further signs he's already checked out on you. and now just abuses you for kicks. pretty sick.
you'll need to do some soul searching on what it is you are trying so hard to hold on to. somewhere you lost yourself and it's time to start the mission to find her again.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Read the responses again, honey...HIS DRINKING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
He is addicted to alcohol and you can't change that. The only one who can is him.
Look after yourself and your stepson. Go to Alanon, you'll find help there and others who understand.
Sending you a hug.
He is addicted to alcohol and you can't change that. The only one who can is him.
Look after yourself and your stepson. Go to Alanon, you'll find help there and others who understand.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Life is to be lived and enjoyed he says not to be wasted doing work that doesn't praise his skills and abilities.
this kind of CRAP drives me up the wall, across the ceiling and down the other side. what a sense of entitlement. i mean is he really ALL that that he DESERVES to worshiped, praised and adored ALL the time??? like he's a demi-god?
it's time to slow things down....for you, hon. we have a saying here about QUACKING.....when he starts bloviating, you imagine a DUCK going QUACK QUACK QUACK...because really, the DUCK is at least making sense. this helps you to NOT take his word as GOSPEL and to see it all as just a bunch of hot worthless air.
once you quiet HIS noise, you can start to find quiet places to listen hard for your own inner voice. it's there, she is there, YOU are there!
this kind of CRAP drives me up the wall, across the ceiling and down the other side. what a sense of entitlement. i mean is he really ALL that that he DESERVES to worshiped, praised and adored ALL the time??? like he's a demi-god?
it's time to slow things down....for you, hon. we have a saying here about QUACKING.....when he starts bloviating, you imagine a DUCK going QUACK QUACK QUACK...because really, the DUCK is at least making sense. this helps you to NOT take his word as GOSPEL and to see it all as just a bunch of hot worthless air.
once you quiet HIS noise, you can start to find quiet places to listen hard for your own inner voice. it's there, she is there, YOU are there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Until you decide you have value and self worth and that the way you feel about yourself deserves attention, and also remove him as the center of your universe, you won't feel any different. You are putting all your energy into him and zero into yourself.
Your husband is cruising nasty Craigslist and apparently doesn't even attempt to hide it, and there you are......still by his side. There will be no change until YOU change - not HIM. You have taken on the roll of house doormat so when you are a doormat you get stepped on.
Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting and start working the step program. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect. You deserve love. Not happening in this situation.
Your husband is cruising nasty Craigslist and apparently doesn't even attempt to hide it, and there you are......still by his side. There will be no change until YOU change - not HIM. You have taken on the roll of house doormat so when you are a doormat you get stepped on.
Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting and start working the step program. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect. You deserve love. Not happening in this situation.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lostange....are you aware that you are suffering emotional and verbal abuse?
You can go onto a website about abuse and read what constitutes abuse.....
Living under a steady environment of this treatment undermines a p ersons self confidence and sense of self. It becomes difficult to trust your own feelings and thoughts....even difficult to think, sometimes....
I feel that you need someone to talk to on a face-to-face basis. someone who understands what it is like to be in an abusive relationship....
You can contact your local domestic abuse organization and talk to them confidentially.....
You can get counseling and support....even a support group, through them....
Your husband never needs to know....
It is so essential for you to get help...because, this is simply too difficult to walk alone....You don't have to be alone!
You may (probably) be feeling that you situation and feelings are unique....but, I can assure you that they are not. there are literally thousands...thousands...of stories on this forum that parallel yours....
You do not deserve this kind of treatment...and, you don't deserve to live like this....
It is NOT your fault....do not believe what your abuser is saying to you.
I hope you can stay and keep reading and posting....we have your welfare at heart!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
***alanon is fine, of course...but, I think, under the circumstances, abuse counseling is more geared to your specific needs....
You can go onto a website about abuse and read what constitutes abuse.....
Living under a steady environment of this treatment undermines a p ersons self confidence and sense of self. It becomes difficult to trust your own feelings and thoughts....even difficult to think, sometimes....
I feel that you need someone to talk to on a face-to-face basis. someone who understands what it is like to be in an abusive relationship....
You can contact your local domestic abuse organization and talk to them confidentially.....
You can get counseling and support....even a support group, through them....
Your husband never needs to know....
It is so essential for you to get help...because, this is simply too difficult to walk alone....You don't have to be alone!
You may (probably) be feeling that you situation and feelings are unique....but, I can assure you that they are not. there are literally thousands...thousands...of stories on this forum that parallel yours....
You do not deserve this kind of treatment...and, you don't deserve to live like this....
It is NOT your fault....do not believe what your abuser is saying to you.
I hope you can stay and keep reading and posting....we have your welfare at heart!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
***alanon is fine, of course...but, I think, under the circumstances, abuse counseling is more geared to your specific needs....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I agree with everything above-please keep reading. I once too blamed myself for the way my ex was....he is the way he is bc HIM and his choices, not mine. You are not to blame. But until you believe that a grow a backbone, he will continue to treat you like a doormat.
You are being abused. Simple as that. And you're allowing him to blame you. I know all about this bc I was there for years. Please get yourself some help!!
You are being abused. Simple as that. And you're allowing him to blame you. I know all about this bc I was there for years. Please get yourself some help!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
I know I am not alone in this. I am so glad my friend showed me this site because I read a lot before I posted and I knew I could get good feedback here.
I have tried about 10 alanon meetings in my area and can you believe they were not supportive for me at all. I went in crying my eyes out and sharing from my heart many times, saying I feel alone and I need support.. nothing. Not a person to come up to me after the meeting or anything. One time ever after the meeting at yet another location I shared that I needed women for support and no one, I went to the woman with the phone list and asked for one she said she was out but I guess she could give me her number if I needed someone to call. Oh thanks but no thanks!
I found one good meeting where I shared from my heart and got support after. I got a couple numbers but the problem was that meeting is at 10am on a Thursday morning and I have a full time job.
I called central office and wrote an email telling them how alone I felt in the community and asked for suggestions of meetings or other resources, their reply? Well alanon is the best thing out there and maybe I should try meetings in another county. I know I am not alone but I felt so alone. Here on my first post alone I got more support than I ever have
I have tried about 10 alanon meetings in my area and can you believe they were not supportive for me at all. I went in crying my eyes out and sharing from my heart many times, saying I feel alone and I need support.. nothing. Not a person to come up to me after the meeting or anything. One time ever after the meeting at yet another location I shared that I needed women for support and no one, I went to the woman with the phone list and asked for one she said she was out but I guess she could give me her number if I needed someone to call. Oh thanks but no thanks!
I found one good meeting where I shared from my heart and got support after. I got a couple numbers but the problem was that meeting is at 10am on a Thursday morning and I have a full time job.
I called central office and wrote an email telling them how alone I felt in the community and asked for suggestions of meetings or other resources, their reply? Well alanon is the best thing out there and maybe I should try meetings in another county. I know I am not alone but I felt so alone. Here on my first post alone I got more support than I ever have
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lostange....I am sorry you have had a negative experience.
I encourage ypu to contact your local domestic violence organization.
Talk with someone and tell them that you need some face to face support.....
(you don't have to be physically abused to qualify)....emotional abuse leaves scars, also......
dandylion
I encourage ypu to contact your local domestic violence organization.
Talk with someone and tell them that you need some face to face support.....
(you don't have to be physically abused to qualify)....emotional abuse leaves scars, also......
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Tangled34
Hi, sorry you are here but glad you found this page!
None of this is your fault.... he is like this because he is an addict and this is what a lot of them do and because you are trying to come between him and his first love (alcohol) and all of the issues that come with it he is going to blame you for all of his problems... but this is not your fault... addicts lie, cheat and betray their loved ones to protect their addiction... you didnt cause this, you cant control it and you cannot cure it!
Most of us here were and some still are in the same situation as you are now! He sounds exactly like my AH!! I screamed and shouted and begged and cried for him to get help and it just pushed him further away until I just couldnt take it anymore and asked him to leave... which he did and he was no sooner out our front door when he met someone else... and guess what he is still drinking and still has problems which means I didnt cause them!
Look after yourself that is all you can do... find a Therapist who specialises in addiction and stick around here... read the stickies and keep on posting... you came to the right place
None of this is your fault.... he is like this because he is an addict and this is what a lot of them do and because you are trying to come between him and his first love (alcohol) and all of the issues that come with it he is going to blame you for all of his problems... but this is not your fault... addicts lie, cheat and betray their loved ones to protect their addiction... you didnt cause this, you cant control it and you cannot cure it!
Most of us here were and some still are in the same situation as you are now! He sounds exactly like my AH!! I screamed and shouted and begged and cried for him to get help and it just pushed him further away until I just couldnt take it anymore and asked him to leave... which he did and he was no sooner out our front door when he met someone else... and guess what he is still drinking and still has problems which means I didnt cause them!
Look after yourself that is all you can do... find a Therapist who specialises in addiction and stick around here... read the stickies and keep on posting... you came to the right place
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Originally Posted by lostangel011
Did I make him like this?
Us addicts are renowned for pointing fingers, and rightly so. I say that as a finger-pointing alcoholic myself.
You didn't make him like this. He didn't make you like this, either.
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