10 Years
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Earth... mostly
Posts: 43
10 Years
Today I silently celebrated my 10 year anniversary of sobriety. I just stopped drinking because I did not want to be the motivation for her to drink. It did not help her but it did help me. Tonight I celebrated silently because I was surrounded at dinner with heavy drinkers and alcoholics. Why? Because my spouse is an alcoholic and this particular anniversary would not be welcomed by her or by our drinking friends. I am grateful that I have stayed sober but I am also sure that I have not recovered. I tried Al-Anon for a few months but we travel a lot and it is hard to get roots. And I also felt that the folks in my Al-Anon meetings had problems that were so much more devastating than mine and I wondered why I was there. I read all I can to help me stay sane and I think it has worked. But there is no joy. There is just tomorrow and another day of witnessing my spouse get angry throughout the day until she gets to drinking. Then she calms down until she gets past the 6 or 7th glass of wine. Then it's our nightly separation. Tonight it was at 7:30. Well, I am sober but I feel like a widower.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Hello NeverQuit,
Gosh, your story/spouse sounds familiar. Except we've moved to a new area and don't have friends and family around. Just know you are doing the right thing and be strong in your resolve.
I wasn't a heavy drinker, but it had become a habit to wind down after work. Did my share of acting stupid when I'd had too much. But three years ago I stopped as part of a get healthy campaign. Not even a trip to Italy and the temptations of a tour through the Northern Prosecco country dented my resolve. I'd lost 40 pounds and was feeling great. No hangovers in the morning....great. I had a sober friend who had been an alcoholic in his earlier days. He had a phrase; "one is too many and 10 is not enough." I was getting there. So I stopped.
My wife, however, drinks until she's blotto. Nothing like laying in bed with a woman "off-gassing" alcohol, the smell just oozing from her skin. And breath that would peel the paint off a Greyhound bus at 10 paces.
I'm developing an exit strategy, but first I have to get my mind around the fact that this isn't something that I can fix. Super good advice from folks who have posted on a thread I started.
I go to Al-Anon and yes, some of those folks have problems that dwarf mine. But, none are more important to me....as they say: "take what you need and leave the rest," and "keep coming back, it works."
Good luck.
Gosh, your story/spouse sounds familiar. Except we've moved to a new area and don't have friends and family around. Just know you are doing the right thing and be strong in your resolve.
I wasn't a heavy drinker, but it had become a habit to wind down after work. Did my share of acting stupid when I'd had too much. But three years ago I stopped as part of a get healthy campaign. Not even a trip to Italy and the temptations of a tour through the Northern Prosecco country dented my resolve. I'd lost 40 pounds and was feeling great. No hangovers in the morning....great. I had a sober friend who had been an alcoholic in his earlier days. He had a phrase; "one is too many and 10 is not enough." I was getting there. So I stopped.
My wife, however, drinks until she's blotto. Nothing like laying in bed with a woman "off-gassing" alcohol, the smell just oozing from her skin. And breath that would peel the paint off a Greyhound bus at 10 paces.
I'm developing an exit strategy, but first I have to get my mind around the fact that this isn't something that I can fix. Super good advice from folks who have posted on a thread I started.
I go to Al-Anon and yes, some of those folks have problems that dwarf mine. But, none are more important to me....as they say: "take what you need and leave the rest," and "keep coming back, it works."
Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
NQ,
Congratulations on 10 years of sobriety, that must be very difficult in a drinking home and living with an A. I hope you are proud of yourself.
Reading your post made me so sad, you sound so unhappy. I want you to know there is hope. I was with my AXH for 34 years of my life, I am 50 now. I finally had enough of his crxp. I divorced him 14 months ago. My life is so wonderful and pleasant. No alcohol or drugs, no drunk friends, no bs and lies, no fighting.
You can have that one day too!!! I worked very hard to attain my sanity. For 11 straight months I attended 2 open AA meetings, 2 open alanon meetings a week and SR nightly. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but worth every hour of healing and therapy.
I look now at the spouses that "stick" it out or the ones that spouses go into rehab and nothing changes and I am so sad for them. I am grateful every day that I divorced him. I thank God every day for blessings he has bestowed on me. I still love my X, and have few bad days, but nothing like the misery that consumed me, married to an A.
Hugs my friend, there is a wonderful life out there if you want to start again.
Congratulations on 10 years of sobriety, that must be very difficult in a drinking home and living with an A. I hope you are proud of yourself.
Reading your post made me so sad, you sound so unhappy. I want you to know there is hope. I was with my AXH for 34 years of my life, I am 50 now. I finally had enough of his crxp. I divorced him 14 months ago. My life is so wonderful and pleasant. No alcohol or drugs, no drunk friends, no bs and lies, no fighting.
You can have that one day too!!! I worked very hard to attain my sanity. For 11 straight months I attended 2 open AA meetings, 2 open alanon meetings a week and SR nightly. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but worth every hour of healing and therapy.
I look now at the spouses that "stick" it out or the ones that spouses go into rehab and nothing changes and I am so sad for them. I am grateful every day that I divorced him. I thank God every day for blessings he has bestowed on me. I still love my X, and have few bad days, but nothing like the misery that consumed me, married to an A.
Hugs my friend, there is a wonderful life out there if you want to start again.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Huge congrats on ten years of sobriety. Seriously. That's awesome. I just want to let you know that I too felt like a widow even during my marriage-I decided to get the heck out for me and our girls. To me, and this is just my opinion, the folks I met in alanon that were still with their addict spouses were very unhappy-yes, they had been able to find joy in ither areas of their life, but not in their marriage. The folks I saw that were at peace and living a full life were the ones that left, while still loving their spouse, but moved on from the toxicity, danger and neglect. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just sharing my experience.
You know from experience, it only gets worse. You can have a joyful life, but it's doubtful in the situation you are currently in. I divorced my alcoholic almost a year ago-and it was the best decision I've ever made. I did love him, but I needed to save myself and our kids from a lifetime of misery, negkect, abuse and addiction. I am now free!! Hugs and peace to you.
You know from experience, it only gets worse. You can have a joyful life, but it's doubtful in the situation you are currently in. I divorced my alcoholic almost a year ago-and it was the best decision I've ever made. I did love him, but I needed to save myself and our kids from a lifetime of misery, negkect, abuse and addiction. I am now free!! Hugs and peace to you.
Congratulations on 10 years!!! That's amazing & it's very sad you have no one in your life to share such an important personal achievement.
Love does not conquer all. Sometimes, even a long stint in rehab with several years of intense psychotherapy won't make a person want to connect & share themselves with another. Their drug of choice meets their most important needs, and no amount of love, caring, understanding & compassion will bring them around.
Take care of you & your needs. Life is short.
Love does not conquer all. Sometimes, even a long stint in rehab with several years of intense psychotherapy won't make a person want to connect & share themselves with another. Their drug of choice meets their most important needs, and no amount of love, caring, understanding & compassion will bring them around.
Take care of you & your needs. Life is short.
Congrats on your ten years. I'm sorry that you've been robbed of some of the happiness that rightfully goes with such an accomplishment. Take heart, if you can, that long-termers like yourself are an inspiration to those of us who are new to recovery.
May you find the happiness you deserve, brotha.
May you find the happiness you deserve, brotha.
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