JLOBYXMAS

Quick background for those that aren't familiar...went on Dr. Phil to get help for my AH back in December, he has been an inpatient at the facility that he was sent to since that day. Prior to that he was hospitalized and in a different treatment facility so he has been out of the house since Nov. 11th...3 months.
My divorce was final in January, while he was in rehab, so all of his stuff is still at the house. I've packed it all up, and it is waiting for him in the garage.
I'm just very concerned, we've had extremely limited contact since he's been in, and although he knows the divorce is final, and that moving back home is not an option, I think, from past experience, that he thinks me saying he can't come home is just talk.
I've told him that I won't pick him up from the airport, I don't want to have contact with him. Mainly because I don't think I'm strong enough to stick to my guns. I do love him, and 75 days in rehab should have some positive effects, but 75 days does not negate 5 years of misery.
I'm trying to remember the hell, the chaos, the turmoil, but as they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I miss him, I really do, I don't miss the crazy alcoholic, but I miss him. I'm trying to remember how desperately I wanted out of this situation, how desperately I wanted him out of my house. And it's great while he's in rehab, I guess I'm just angst-ridden, and terrified of what happens when he gets out. The semantics of him getting his things, the arguments that are bound to occur. Just very very on edge with all of the loose ends.
Thoughts?

AnvilheadII

replay the Dr Phil episode.....it WAS that bad, HE was that bad, and 75 days or 125 days in rehab does not negate ANY of it. his likelihood of relapse is still VERY high......all of you need a fresh start, on separate paths, living separate lives. otherwise you are VERY susceptible to falling into old patterns, which would be hellish for all concerned.

LexieCat

It sounds to me like the only "loose end" is his stuff, right? You don't have kids together? The divorce is final, so nothing to wrap up there, presumably.

Does he have a friend or relative who can take his stuff before he gets out? The other alternative is to have a friend (preferably a male friend) standing by when he comes to get it. Third alternative, the police are almost always willing to "stand by" for property removals. Even if he hasn't been abusive in the past, having a cop standing there while he loads up a truck or van or whatever will discourage any BS and show him you REALLY MEAN IT.

I'd keep things strictly business. Get your stuff, good luck. Don't call me, I am blocking your number and your email. I'm done.

I think leaving any door cracked open, at this point, would be a huge mistake. If you must, tell him he can contact you in a year IF he's remained continuously sober, and if not, not to bother. And that's a year from NOW, not from the time he started rehab.

redatlanta

Our minds will go to the good, and forget the bad. Correct, you miss the old him. The old him ain't' back. It takes a solid year of hard work in recovery for FOG to lift.

As for engaging with him I wouldn't! That's your answer!. Have him hire a moving company to come and get his crap. Don't allow him to come there. You were nice to pack it up. He is lucky it wasn't a smoking cinder pile in the backyard.

wanttobehealthy

I think you're brave, strong and astute to have done all you have.

I think too that you're right that it may be hard to interact with him in any way and that you're wise to find a way to avoid doing so.

Can a friend deliver his belongings to him for you? Can you bring them to a friends house for him and he has to get his things there?

It is helpful for me (or was when I had moments of wondering if it had been "that bad") to come here and read my old posts... That's usually a good wake up call for me...

hopeful4

Do you have contact with anyone at the rehab? Could you possibly tell them the situation so they can prepare him go over this w/him while he is there?

NYCDoglvr

Ditto Lexi ...... ask someone to be there when he collects his stuff avoid engaging with him. As a recovering alcoholic I will say that, unfortunately, most people don't stay sober. Recovery is real but it takes a long time to change and the addict must work hard at it.

dandylion

JL.....as hopeful44 suggested...you might try contacting his facility and asking to speak with his case worker....
All patients have to have discharge planning before they are discharged. If they know that coming to your home is not an option..they can help him with accepting the reality while he is still there...

Don't hesitate to call on the police if any problem occurs....

From what I know of Dr. Phil....he always...Always...recommends treatment for both parties....are you getting any help or counseling, etc....?

dandylion

JLOBYXMAS

Thank you, thank you all!! You guys have once again made me smile, and imparted some excellent words of advice at the same time. Yes the only loose end is the exchange of his belongings. I'm still not sure how it's going to be handled but you all gave me confidence that there are other ways of handling it.
I did contact the treatment center and they seem to be dropping the ball on handling his legal matters, as the sheriffs have shown up on my doorstep with a warrant for him for failure to appear, so I'm not sure that they are truly hearing me when I say he can not come back here.
Dandylion, I have a whole new perspective on Dr. Phil, he did not offer us, the family, assistance, he was too busy making pronouncements and playing the hero...we accomplished the goal of getting a desperately ill man into treatment on the shows dime, and they got their ratings. Fair exchange for some light humiliation. Sorry, I'm a little salty, but it was for the greater good.
Thanks all, coming here has been a huge help to me.

LexieCat

The rehab is not going to contact all the local law enforcement agencies to tell them he's not coming back to your home. When warrants are issued they generally look for the person first at the last known address. Did you tell the officers where he currently is, so they can pick him up on the warrant? Being in rehab doesn't excuse failures to appear in court. Nor does it protect a person from being arrested if he doesn't handle his legal obligations.

JLOBYXMAS

Lexiecat, in our county they have just requested that documentation come from the rehab stating that he is an inpatient and they will reschedule his dates. Because they were not notified the hearings proceeded and warrant was issued for failure to appear. I spoke to the courthouse and the DA and they both stated that it is standard operating procedure to hear from rehabs and reschedule dates.
Apparently this is a regular occurrence. The rehab concurred, just dropped the ball with the notifications.
Perhaps you misunderstood, my AH is not trying to avoid the courts, he's 3000 miles away dealing with the issue that caused him to be involved with the courts to begin with.

Hawkeye13

I hope they will accept that it wasn't his fault and reschedule.
It sure sounds like you've been through a lot
Sending you some strength and good wishes.

I hope things turn around in a good way for you all

LexieCat

OK, I was assuming he hadn't told the rehab or done anything about his court dates. If they said they would do it and they didn't, then I'm glad they were willing to reschedule.

I was a prosecutor for many years and had a lot of people claiming to have been in treatment or something but they actually did nothing about their pending court dates.