The first year of Recovery in a marriage?

[3rdbird]

I have just landed in a horrible place! My wife has been working on her recovery since March, and we were doing fine (I thought) as a couple until we expanded our business and opened a new store. I know that many of you are going to tell me that we should have never done anything as major as expanding our business during our first year of recovery, however, finances dictated otherwise. Anyway, I am paying the price now! My wife has been seeing another man, and now she says that she may want to divorce. She is in a bad relapse with her sex addiction (although she swears she has not done anything sexual with this person). Right now I want to run. I am in so much pain, and meetings do not seem to do the trick. Should this be expected the first year of recovery? Does my marriage have a chance? Should I stick it out? I am working on myself and taking care of our son, but I feel like she has rapidly distroyed everything around her. The codie in me says to save her. I know this is not healthy thinking. Am I wrong to want to save the marriage?

[lonlion]

Hi 3rd Bird; I do feel for you, as you may remember me telling you my ex had a sex addiction on top of his drug addiction.
So you say your wife is seeing a man but its not sexual yet. You are taking the word of a sex addict on this.
Bird, the worse lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves. We tell them to ourselves to calm our fears, to keep going, to keep functioning etc.
If sex is one of her addictions and she is seeing a man, it is comparable to finding a syringe on a heroin addict and lying to yourself that she is not using again. This man is her syringe. Why does she need to see a man if she is not sexually involved with him?
Why would an addict need to keep paraphenalia if not using?
take care of yourself, I know you say the meetings aren't helping, but you need to continue and start stepping out of the situation mentally and emotionally and be able to see whats in front of you clearly. We can always see other peoples situations so clear and the solution seems so easy, but when its us and our emotions are involved its a different story.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[3rdbird]

Thanks Ionlion! I can't say I am feeling any better.

J :-(

[Magichappens]

Hi 3rd Bird,
When I am in turmoil, and things aren't clear, I have to realize that this is the time I have to be patient. It's tough not knowing the outcome of someone else's actions. But there are no pat answers. No one can make your decisions for you. People can give you advice, but it's your life, and you are responsible for your actions and decisions. People can share their experience, strength and hope with you, but that is their experience.

You are not wrong to want to save a relationship. But we are powerless over others' choices and decisions. Only time will tell what another person will do.

The meetings may not take away the pain, but they do provide support and encouragement through this rough time. In the mean time, it's just a mean time. Keep focussing on your recovery, and as things play out, you will find resolve. I wish there was a quick fix or instant answer to this, but there isn't. Praying for some peace and healing to come your way soon. Magic

[3rdbird]

I cry everytime I read a responses to my postings. Thank you everyone for your kindness!
3rdBird

[Magichappens]

Keep coming back. It will help.

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by 3rdbird

... I know that many of you are going to tell me that we should have never done anything as major as expanding our business during our first year of recovery, however, finances dictated otherwise.

I understand :-) Finances are dictating things to our business over here too :-(

Originally Posted by 3rdbird

... meetings do not seem to do the trick...

Maybe you need to modify what you are doing at the meetings. When I'm in a lot of pain over things, and of late it has to do with my marriage as well, this is what works for me.

- Go to lots of meetings. If you have your own business then you can go to morning meetings before work, lunch meetings in the middle of the day and evening meetings as well. The more meetings the better.

- Get there early and help set up. Stay late and help clean up.

- At every meeting they ask newcomers to identify themselves. Go to the newcomers, shake their hand and tell them they are welcome. Listen to what they have to stay, not for them, for _you_.

- If you don't have a sponsor, then get one. If you don't know how then go to the secretary of a meeting and ask the secretary to recommend one.

Originally Posted by 3rdbird

... The codie in me says to save her. I know this is not healthy thinking...

That statement right there is evidence that the meetings _are_ doing the trick. You can identify what parts of your thinking is not healthy. That is very good progress.

Originally Posted by 3rdbird

... Does my marriage have a chance? Should I stick it out? ...

I don't know you in real life. I don't know your wife in real life. You need to ask that question of people who know you in real life, and that is the people at the meetings. Not the newcomers, the "winners", as they call them. Better yet, ask your sponsor.

The program worked for me, and I didn't have a job or a business or a place to live when I first started. If it worked for me it can work for you. As I pointed out, it _is_ already working for you. All you need to do today is work your program some more :-)

You're in my prayers.

Mike :-)

[dax]

This is a relaspe, plain and simple. ONly you can decide if you can live like this. I certainly would not believe anything she tells you. Addicts alawys lie about their fixes.
I would not blame yours busniess on her relapse. It is up to her to do it for herself. hugs dax

[Alexia]

Hang in there 3Bird! You are worth taking care of yourself and your son. I am one of the very few that ended up not feeling comfortable with going to meetings (I think it was the group dynamics). I found my "sanity" when joining the gym. Got a headset and walked like the dickens on the treadmill, and lifted weights. Worked off my stress, and got a pretty decent bod in the process. My gym has free child care as well, I'm sure others do. And meetings are good, Al-anon has helped so many.

Nomatter what you do, meetings, gym, read, do it for you. As they say "fake it till you make it". You will make it!
Good luck to you.