Wisconsin

I was only ever a very occasional social drinker. Probably 10 alcoholic drinks per year or less, on average. When the severity of STBXAH's relapse became apparent, I stopped drinking entirely and never missed it. Since I made the emotional decision that I was done with the marriage about 18 months ago, I've had a drink here and there...maybe three times, one drink each. But that's really it. I have always disliked beer, but I now will have an occasional hard cider or margarita with Mexican food (we're twinsies, Honeypig!).

lizatola

I didn't drink for 15 years while my XAH was dry during our marriage. Didn't miss it at all but now I do drink every so often. Usually 1-2 at most at home with the boyfriend if we make margaritas or open a bottle of wine but we're also just as prone to having a cup of tea or just water all night long, as well. I also will have a drink when out with friends but no more than one because I usually have to drive and refuse to even get a tiny bit tipsy if I'm going to be behind the wheel.

Honestly, though, alcohol is not a huge part of my life. I don't sit around planning events around it or making it a big part of my social life. If I want a drink, I have one. If I don't, then I don't. Pretty simple.

hopeful4

I am now divorced from my Alcoholic X husband. I never ever drank around him, ever. I now drink maybe 1-2 drinks per year. It just gives me a bad feeling.

NewbieJ

Yup, or, when early in my Alanon days I pointed out that I didn't need to drink everyday and don't drink at all anymore really, AH responded "Well I'm sorry you had a problem. But I don't."

Because not drinking means you had a problem and if you do drink socially well then why shouldn't they be able to? And tons of people go home everyday and have a beer after work, etc.

So not drinking, kind of drinking, and just plain drinking = reasons to drink.

I don't buy alcohol anymore for our house, which gets awkward when the in laws visit. Lots of comments about wanting a drink, and even commenting about my own beverages ("Hey NewbieJ, is there vodka in that?"). AH has shown some resentment that I no longer buy it. The times I've ever chosen to order a drink out at dinner with him, he seems more pleased with me and the drinks become a topic of convo.

Since being in alanon I've noticed how prevalent the love of drinking is, and that and my own experience with AH have kind of ruined it for me.

Bekindalways

Great thread. There seems to be plenty of codependents who become alcoholics and alcoholics who become codependent. Melody Beattie was a drug addict (a woman who has lived an amazing life.)

I do drink and probably have the potential to become an alcoholic. Being on this site has helped me be aware of this.

Rachinator

Yes AH and I drank a lot. Now he just drinks a lot. I'm sober now. I didn't like him drinking a lot, but I wasn't any better. I changed that. I cannot change him. I like sober me, I don't like drunk me. He doesn't say anything about my sobriety and honestly doesn't care if I drink or not. He cares only about his drink, and how to keep the drinking going. He asks if I want a drink from time to time, or occasionally bring home the 18 pack of my favorite beer. He does it as "a nice gesture", but I'm ok with him drinking it because I won't. I hope he sees some good in my sobriety but I'm not holding my breath on it. I'm sorry your parents judge you so hard. I think they just want to justify their drinking by tearing you down. If you can have a glass of wine or two once in a great while I say go for it and don't feel ashamed or guilty you know when to stop. I am one of those that cannot do that.

Rosalba

There used to be a saying: "Come to AA and we'll ruin your drinking for you!"

I've found the same with Alanon. I have a couple of friends who are recovering alcoholics; they don't have a problem with people drinking around them - but I don't - at least not beyond one glass of wine which will last all evening.

It's salutory, seeing how loud and boring even 'normal' drinkers can get after a few.

firebolt

I drank too much here and there through the years - I was single and it was in the name of partying with friends. The last 5 years have really made me hate alcohol to the point I think I've made myself allergic to it. 1 beer, 1 glass of wine = instant headache and pains in my salvic glands . So weird. So I rarely drink now and if I do, its 1 or 2 - plus I'm such a stickler on drunk driving. Grr...

I have to say though, the family went out for dinner the night dad died, and family friends ordered several bottles of wine. Call it the mood, needing a release, whatever, but as a relative non drinker (like I get rosy cheeked after 1 beer), 4 or 5 glasses that night went down me pretty easily.

Maybe I'm being a hypo-alcoholic-condriac after everything I've read about alcoholism the last several years, but that fact makes me uncomfortable.

Madtown

I'm really glad to see this topic! I thought I was the only one, mostly. I struggle sometimes in terms of my usage of alcohol, within the context of having a family member with a drinking problem.

I have an alcoholic sibling who I'm close to, and want to remain so. We never drink together any longer, never really did to a large extent, but no longer. I even take him to sporting events maybe once or twice a year, NFL or MLB games. He may drink but I do not.

Still, even when I'm not around him, I sometimes feel some guilt in using. Not sure how to describe it, maybe a form of survivorship guilt? It has impacted my usage, along with just losing interest upon seeing the damage it does to people. Now I'm maybe 1 or 2 drinks a week, and mainly at dinner with my wife, or on vacation.

Not sure what to do about the feelings, maybe there's nothing I can do. It's not a crippling guilt, I still enjoy life. But, these thoughts do enter my mind often. I'm aware that he is not mine to fix, and his problems shouldn't dictate anything about my life, but I still feel this guilt anyway.

Thanks for all the interesting responses!

JLOBYXMAS

This post had me giggling...sorry probably not the right response, but I like so many others here was my husbands drinking buddy for the first five years of our relationship, then the health affects of his alcoholism brought it all to a head and time to reevaluate.
Long story short, I stopped drinking, I didn't have alcohol in the house, and guess who brought it in?...the AH, in droves, hidden all over my house, in every nook and cranny. Then I became so resentful, the only person in the house who doesn't have a problem can' t even keep a bottle in the house for an occasional drink but the alcoholic is bringing it in in cases. Now it's laughable. He's been gone for three months and there are probably six bottles in my house of different spirits, and not one of them has been touched, it could sit there from now until my next Christmas party and collect dust. It's crazy this whole alcoholism thing and the crazy twists and turns it creates.
Final thought: "Nobody ever stopped eating because I'm fat, why should I stop drinking because you're an alcoholic?" Probably insensitive, and I'll probably get blasted, but at this point in my journey, that sentence sums up exactly how I feel

Missus

This is a pretty interesting thread, to read others' responses.

I personally am not a drinker (I often joke I would make a lousy alcoholic, as I can put a drink down and completely forget about it, sometimes for a few days). I tried it as a teenager, got horribly drunk and loathed the experience of not being in control. Not to mention the taste of beer, wine or champagne makes me gag. If I do drink, it might be a glass of Bailey's over ice on new years eve, if I can be bothered finding the Bailey's (hidden so AH doesn't scoff the lot).

In my country, to not drink can be considered weird and odd, especially during your teens and twenties, so I was the odd one out :-) and happy to be. Except that after a time watching now AH drinking every time we went out and knowing that I would be the one driving home got pretty old (and still is). When I asked once what about if *I* wanted to drink, how would we get home (hinting that perhaps he would stay sober for a change) he just said we'd get a cab *sigh*.

Praying

I drank with my X when we were young and everyone drank.

Later I drank with him when he poured me drinks to feel normal. Then I slowed down because I didn't really want to drink every night, and he'd get mad and make fun of me.

I quietly quit cold turkey every time he quit to be supportive. No alcohol in the house, no drinking. Realized many times I was the only one not drinking!

Didn't drink at all the last few years I was married because I was so appalled by everything.

I drank too much the few months after divorce because I was back with my friends and out and HURTING. Realized it wasn't a good path and stopped again.

Met my recent X who didn't drink and thought, that's fine I won't either.

He's gone. First time in a while I've appreciated the casual drink out with friends. I'm old enough now that I don't ever want a hangover again, but I will have a drink or two with friends at a gathering (maybe once a week or so). My desire to not get drunk is directly related to my desire to feel good physically and get things done the next day. I personally don't see anything wrong with choosing to get drunk if you do it responsibly and infrequently enough to ensure it doesn't become a problem. (Because I do think over time anyone could become an alcoholic with repeated abuse.)

If he were still here I wouldn't drink at all unless I was out without him. For some reason I felt that was more supportive even though I know it's not my issue.

KellyKapowski

I used to drink a lot in my 20's. Then the hangovers started lasting more than a day and I wanted to set a good example for my kids. So I really toned it down. Now I like to have maybe 2 or 3 drinks after the kids are in bed once a week, or I have a few drinks when I go out with friends. It's just really not worth it at all. On rare the occasions that I do drink enough to get drunk I get mad at myself because I will waste an entire day feeling like garbage when I could have been out doing something.

Refiner

My habits have really changed over the years. I used to party really hard... growing up with functioning A parents and all, I thought that's just "what you do". But as I got older and the responsibilities got more intense, I just eased out of that lifestyle. Although I do like a white wine. But I don't have to deal with the A's in my life anymore, so it's not like I would "feel bad around them" since I'm not around them (Thank God).

shell2516

Thanks again everyone for the responses! Very interesting.

I've only scanned the replies as we're having internet issues so I wanted to post quickly before the internet cuts out.

Very interesting reading the different responses!

velma929

A beer each night fixing or with dinner.

I actually didn't drink that often when AH was alive, and for a while I quit, thinking that would motivate him to stop. Of course, it made no difference at all.

If I'm with someone in recovery, I abstain.

Current Beau takes medication for epilepsy, and totals maybe two drinks a month.

FireSprite

I drink on occasion without concern. I do keep it in the house because RAH has expressed that it doesn't bother him at all & that if he decided to drink, it's available anywhere, all day, every day - not just the back of my pantry (which is stuff he never liked anyway). I don't drink at home unless he's busy out of the house for a block of time; I think it would be rude to come to someone all buzzed up & I think it would make ME uncomfortable too. The last time I made a drink at home I forgot about it, left it to get warm & ended up dumping it out hours later. It's never been my thing.

I do drink when we go out to dinner or to see music - not a ton, and not always. We went to a great concert 2 weeks ago & I thought a couple of drinks sounded good as I was planning/getting ready but when it came time to relax, I just wasn't feeling it. (I also didn't want to spend half of my time watching the line at a port-o-potty when I could be watching the stage & mosh pit instead; it's a MUCH better rush all around, lol.) I've caught myself opting out a lot this last year just because I didn't think it was worth the calories, lol.

I enjoy going out with my friends for a couple of margaritas or raising a shot to celebrate one of our successes like a promotion or whatever. I enjoy having a few & listening to local, live music or sitting on the beach while we catch up. A couple of times per year a few friends come over with their daughters & we all have a big Girl-Power Slumber Party & we definitely have a few then.

It's never a necessary part of my life & I never have any problem with being the DD that night instead. I have personal rules like, I cannot drink when I'm feeling emotional in any way. Ironically, RAH made me date-night coupons for my Christmas stocking this year & we both laughed at how he spelled out that they included him as DD on the nights that I felt like having a few drinks. It was a nice gesture actually, it showed me how OK he really was about it & how I could be comfortable being *me* without guilt.

Brightly

This is an interesting thread because its something I have actually been struggling a lot with currently. I live with my RAbf - should I quit drinking?

He was sober for almost 5 years so I got a little lax and started having wine at the house every once in awhile, getting alcohol if we would have people over (but sending it home with them), etc. Then he relapsed (not on what I had in the house) about a year ago and after some struggle is sober again. We have not had alcohol in the house since, except when his family (big drinkers) were visiting (I didn't want them to bring alcohol into the house but I didn't know how to tell them without "ratting out" my bf).

I have such a complex about drinking now, even when I am out without him. I feel so much guilt, even though I usually only have one or two drinks. I have been contemplating giving it up - and I did for a month over the holidays, which are a hard time for him.

Should I should stop all together? He says he doesn't mind when I have a drink with dinner - it is his issue, not mine, though he does appreciate not having alcohol in the house. And sometimes he actually encourages me to get a drink at dinner, but at the same time he clearly doesn't mind too much when I forgo alcohol.

Since he relapsed, I have seriously considered quitting drinking...this thread is talking me into it!

changeneeded

I don't drink . I can't explain my relationship with alcohol. It doesn't bother me if people do, but I get furious with commercials with alcohol because it shows everyone in the kitchen, laughing, having a great time while preparing a meal together and some form of alcohol on the counter. Talk about lies! LOL

I don't mind, however, when at a gathering and people are having a drink. I do mind when my A is around because he doesn't seem to notice the difference between himself and the others.

silentrun

I know this stems from my mum holding it against me when I have mentioned having a glass of wine in the past- "why should I stop drinking if you can have a glass of wine?"


As others have stated this is BS. I would consider that abusive. I quit drinking and I can tell you it has nothing to do with anyone else. My brain tells me to keep going if I put alcohol in it. Your mom has no right to deflect her responsibility onto you. As a comparison, my brother tries to equate his alcoholism to his girlfriend having a dish of ice cream every night. That was until I called him out on it because I know how it is and I also know how it isn't. You have zero responsibility for your mom and her drinking. It's her job to worry about you not the other way around.