The Language of Letting Go, Part 1
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Today I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them. I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships.
I remember someone at one of my first Alanon meetings talking about having a disagreement w/a friend and then continuing to be friends, which in MY world was just unimaginable! If someone hurt your feelings or disagreed w/you, there was just no way to get past that--and then that led to all sorts of stuffing of feelings and thoughts, b/c obviously you can't stop dealing w/every single person who has ever hurt your feelings or disagreed w/you...
Such a tangled mess, and fairly scary at times to go into it in "turtle w/o a shell" mode. I have been so clueless about all of this, but I never saw it working the way it works for healthy folks, so I had no idea.
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Honestly, it reminds me of an old episode of the show Friends. Monica and Chandler had started dating, and they had a fight. And Chandler just could not process the fact that although they had a fight, they were not broken up.
I can totally relate to the knee-jerk reaction of immediately excising all negativity from my life. I put up with so much of it from STBXAH, and I am suddenly very aware that I am having extreme reactions to totally normal and par-for-the-course conflict with generally healthy people. I've spent the last four months since I moved out protecting myself in this bubble. I totally understand why I did it, but I also know I can't live that way forever.
I can totally relate to the knee-jerk reaction of immediately excising all negativity from my life. I put up with so much of it from STBXAH, and I am suddenly very aware that I am having extreme reactions to totally normal and par-for-the-course conflict with generally healthy people. I've spent the last four months since I moved out protecting myself in this bubble. I totally understand why I did it, but I also know I can't live that way forever.
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January 9
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Responsibility for Ourselves
We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.
--Codependent No More
Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we're responsible for theirs.
It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting ourselves to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves - for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Responsibility for Ourselves
We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.
--Codependent No More
Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we're responsible for theirs.
It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting ourselves to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves - for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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JANUARY 10
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Fear
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and. you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us: fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.
"But I failed before!" "I can't do it good enough!" "Look at what happened last time!" "What if.. .?" These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.
After I finished the first two chapters of a book I was writing, I read them and grimaced. "No good," I thought. "Can't do it." I was ready to pitch the chapters, and my writing career, out the window. A writer friend called, and I told her about my problem. She listened and told me, "Those chapters are fine. Stop being afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. And keep on writing."
I followed her advice. The book I almost threw away became a New York Times best seller.
Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to - and are necessary for - an upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it, whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.
Today I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Fear
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and. you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us: fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.
"But I failed before!" "I can't do it good enough!" "Look at what happened last time!" "What if.. .?" These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.
After I finished the first two chapters of a book I was writing, I read them and grimaced. "No good," I thought. "Can't do it." I was ready to pitch the chapters, and my writing career, out the window. A writer friend called, and I told her about my problem. She listened and told me, "Those chapters are fine. Stop being afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. And keep on writing."
I followed her advice. The book I almost threw away became a New York Times best seller.
Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to - and are necessary for - an upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it, whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.
Today I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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JANUARY 11
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Guilt
"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt, earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Guilt
"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt, earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Needed this one today!!! I have a close friend who hasn't dealt with addiction and has a wonderful husband...who doesn't understand my need to keep my X at such a distance because "he's trying"...between him being sweet and saying all kinds of words and how the outside views it, I'm finding myself feeling "guilty" for being so cold and not letting him back...but that's not the right thing FOR ME and I know it. And I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Thank you for posting!
Thank you for posting!
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I know what you mean, Praying--those who have no experience with/knowledge of addiction don't understand why we do the things we do regarding our A's. I'm certain XAH's friends think I'm the most heartless, cold bitch in the world to throw him out right before the holidays, w/broken ribs and a smashed elbow from a hit-and-run that happened while he was drunk. They don't know about the years of lying and stealing. They don't know that he has been given every chance to turn things around but every time he's chosen to continue doing what he's done all along.
And it's not my place to tell them.
They can think what they want of me. And I don't have to feel guilty about any of it.
And it's not my place to tell them.
They can think what they want of me. And I don't have to feel guilty about any of it.
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JANUARY 12
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Finding Balance
The goal of recovery is balance - that precious middle ground.
Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.
We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.
We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.
We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.
The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.
Today I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak and then slowly ease myself down.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Finding Balance
The goal of recovery is balance - that precious middle ground.
Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.
We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.
We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.
We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.
The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.
Today I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak and then slowly ease myself down.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
Today I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak and then slowly ease myself down.
]
I like this^^^ It's a good visual
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JANUARY 13
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Good Feelings
When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trio - pain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realm - happiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, and excitement.
It's okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.
We don't have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less joyous terrain.
It's okay to feel good. We don't have to analyze, judge, or justify. We don't have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.
We can let ourselves feel good.
Today I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Good Feelings
When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trio - pain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realm - happiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, and excitement.
It's okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.
We don't have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less joyous terrain.
It's okay to feel good. We don't have to analyze, judge, or justify. We don't have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.
We can let ourselves feel good.
Today I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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JANUARY 14
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Accepting Anger
Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. It's one of our emotions. And we're going to feel it when it comes our way -- or else repress it.
--Codependent No More
If I were working a good program, I wouldn't get angry.... If I were a good Christian, I wouldn't feel angry.... If I were really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldn't be angry.... Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to ignore it.
In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We don't have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.
Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.
Today I will let myself be angry if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Accepting Anger
Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. It's one of our emotions. And we're going to feel it when it comes our way -- or else repress it.
--Codependent No More
If I were working a good program, I wouldn't get angry.... If I were a good Christian, I wouldn't feel angry.... If I were really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldn't be angry.... Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to ignore it.
In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We don't have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.
Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.
Today I will let myself be angry if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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We don't have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less joyous terrain.
I've caught myself doing this a lot lately. Happiness scares me somehow. There's always that "too good to be true" undercurrent of negativity. Me waiting for the other shoe to drop or for my happiness to be abruptly snatched away by something painful.
That's how I grew up. If I was feeling "too good" about something, including myself, my mom felt it was her job to bring me down a peg (or several). She called it "being realistic" and we were never allowed to enjoy anything for too long. I know that a lot of my self-sabotaging thoughts are her voice in my head.
I've caught myself doing this a lot lately. Happiness scares me somehow. There's always that "too good to be true" undercurrent of negativity. Me waiting for the other shoe to drop or for my happiness to be abruptly snatched away by something painful.
That's how I grew up. If I was feeling "too good" about something, including myself, my mom felt it was her job to bring me down a peg (or several). She called it "being realistic" and we were never allowed to enjoy anything for too long. I know that a lot of my self-sabotaging thoughts are her voice in my head.
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Yes, I have heard Brene Brown talk about doing this same thing, how we somehow think that "rehearsing for disaster" will make the actual event less painful. This doesn't work, for 2 reasons: First, the event we're practicing for will likely never happen--something ELSE will. We just have no way of knowing what the future holds! And second, do we really believe there is EVER any way of preparing for hearing truly terrible news, like the death of someone close to us in an accident or something similar? There just isn't a way to soften the blow...and meanwhile, all we do is waste today's chances at happiness.
And yes, I am with you on the "being realistic" thing. "Who do you think you are?" is the phrase that always comes to me. Who am I to experience happiness? What have I done to deserve this? Surely it's going to be snatched away any minute now when the mistake is discovered, so don't go getting used to being happy or anything....
And yes, I am with you on the "being realistic" thing. "Who do you think you are?" is the phrase that always comes to me. Who am I to experience happiness? What have I done to deserve this? Surely it's going to be snatched away any minute now when the mistake is discovered, so don't go getting used to being happy or anything....
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JANUARY 15
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Standing Up for Ourselves
We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences, while others have beneficial consequences. We learn we have choices.
--Beyond Codependency
It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused. It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.
"You have rights," we tell them. "And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt."
Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can't we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?
There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves - when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.
Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of fighting for our own rights and ourselves.
Sometimes the lesson won't stop until we do.
Today I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, Higher Power, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Standing Up for Ourselves
We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences, while others have beneficial consequences. We learn we have choices.
--Beyond Codependency
It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused. It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.
"You have rights," we tell them. "And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt."
Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can't we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?
There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves - when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.
Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of fighting for our own rights and ourselves.
Sometimes the lesson won't stop until we do.
Today I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, Higher Power, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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JANUARY 16
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Prayer
As a matter of fact, prayer is the only real action in the full sense of the word, because prayer is the only thing that changes one's character. A change in character, or a change in soul, is a real change.
--Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount
Erica Jong has said that we are spiritual beings who are human. Praying and meditating are ways we take care of our spirit. Prayer and meditation are disciplines suggested by the Eleventh Step of Twelve Step recovery programs: Al Anon, CoDa, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and others.
Prayer and meditation are not necessarily connected to organized religion. Prayer and meditation are ways to improve our personal relationship with a Higher Power to benefit our life, our growth, and us. Praying is how we connect with Higher Power. We don't pray because we have to; we pray because we want to. It is how we link our soul to our Source.
We're learning to take care of our emotions, our mind, and our physical needs. We're learning to change our behaviors. But we're also learning to take care of our spirit, our soul, because that is where all true change begins.
Each time we talk to Higher Power, we are transformed. Each time we connect with our Higher Power, we are heard, touched, and changed for the best.
Today I will practice prayer and meditation. Whether I feel desperate, uneasy, or peaceful, I will make the effort to connect with my Higher Power at least for a moment today.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Prayer
As a matter of fact, prayer is the only real action in the full sense of the word, because prayer is the only thing that changes one's character. A change in character, or a change in soul, is a real change.
--Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount
Erica Jong has said that we are spiritual beings who are human. Praying and meditating are ways we take care of our spirit. Prayer and meditation are disciplines suggested by the Eleventh Step of Twelve Step recovery programs: Al Anon, CoDa, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and others.
Prayer and meditation are not necessarily connected to organized religion. Prayer and meditation are ways to improve our personal relationship with a Higher Power to benefit our life, our growth, and us. Praying is how we connect with Higher Power. We don't pray because we have to; we pray because we want to. It is how we link our soul to our Source.
We're learning to take care of our emotions, our mind, and our physical needs. We're learning to change our behaviors. But we're also learning to take care of our spirit, our soul, because that is where all true change begins.
Each time we talk to Higher Power, we are transformed. Each time we connect with our Higher Power, we are heard, touched, and changed for the best.
Today I will practice prayer and meditation. Whether I feel desperate, uneasy, or peaceful, I will make the effort to connect with my Higher Power at least for a moment today.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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JANUARY 17
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Acting As If
The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool. Acting as if is a way to practice the positive. It's a positive form of pretending. It's a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck. It's a tool we make a conscious decision to use.
Acting as if can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to be fine.
When a problem plagues us, acting as if can help us get unstuck. We act as if the problem will be or already is solved, so we can go on with our life.
Often, acting as if we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.
There are many areas where acting as if - combined with our other recovery principles - will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can act as if we love ourselves, until we actually do begin to care for ourselves. We can act as if we have a right to say no, until we believe we do.
We don't pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We don't pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use acting as if as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.
Acting as if is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low self-esteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest with ourselves. We open up to the positive possibilities of the future, instead of limiting the future by today's feelings and circumstances.
Acting as if helps us get past shaky ground and into solid territory.
Higher Power, show me the areas where acting as if could help set the stage for the reality I desire. Guide me as I use this powerful recovery tool to help create a better life and healthier relationships.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Acting As If
The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool. Acting as if is a way to practice the positive. It's a positive form of pretending. It's a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck. It's a tool we make a conscious decision to use.
Acting as if can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to be fine.
When a problem plagues us, acting as if can help us get unstuck. We act as if the problem will be or already is solved, so we can go on with our life.
Often, acting as if we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.
There are many areas where acting as if - combined with our other recovery principles - will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can act as if we love ourselves, until we actually do begin to care for ourselves. We can act as if we have a right to say no, until we believe we do.
We don't pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We don't pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use acting as if as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.
Acting as if is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low self-esteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest with ourselves. We open up to the positive possibilities of the future, instead of limiting the future by today's feelings and circumstances.
Acting as if helps us get past shaky ground and into solid territory.
Higher Power, show me the areas where acting as if could help set the stage for the reality I desire. Guide me as I use this powerful recovery tool to help create a better life and healthier relationships.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
JANUARY 18
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Gratitude
Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we're submerged in misery by nightfall.
Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we can't see the lessons in these experiences.
One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It's called gratitude. We learn to say thank you for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don't like this experience, but thank you anyway.
Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.
Today I will be grateful. I will start the process of turning today's pain into tomorrow's joy.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Gratitude
Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we're submerged in misery by nightfall.
Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we can't see the lessons in these experiences.
One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It's called gratitude. We learn to say thank you for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don't like this experience, but thank you anyway.
Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.
Today I will be grateful. I will start the process of turning today's pain into tomorrow's joy.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
JANUARY 19
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Owning Our Power
There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.
How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.
Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.
In recovery, we're learning to identify when we're feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we're feeling victimized. We're learning to own our power, to take care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.
Sometimes owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves - and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief such as: Other people make me feel.... Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny.... Or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place...
Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.
Sometimes a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.
We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.
We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part - not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.
We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.
Today I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized. I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Owning Our Power
There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.
How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.
Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.
In recovery, we're learning to identify when we're feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we're feeling victimized. We're learning to own our power, to take care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.
Sometimes owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves - and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief such as: Other people make me feel.... Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny.... Or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place...
Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.
Sometimes a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.
We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.
We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part - not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.
We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.
Today I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized. I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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