Final chance...??!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
All that detail really doesn't reveal anything beyond what you already know. He's an active alcoholic, miserable when he can't drink, and willing to spread the misery around.
Up to you how long you stick around for this treatment. Sounds like you've about had it, but you don't need anyone's approval to put an end to it. Not ours, not his.
To repeat red: what do YOU want to do? I'd start thinking of a way to do it.
Up to you how long you stick around for this treatment. Sounds like you've about had it, but you don't need anyone's approval to put an end to it. Not ours, not his.
To repeat red: what do YOU want to do? I'd start thinking of a way to do it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Seconding what Lexie said. You don't need anyone else to tell you "OK, now it's bad enough. Now you can leave and not feel guilty about it."
I'd also like to comment on your "boundary" of him not drinking. There is a difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are about controlling what another person does. Boundaries are about the action you yourself will take in a given situation.
Rule: No drinking or being drunk in the house.
Boundary: If you are drinking or drunk in the house, I will go visit a friend/go shopping/go see a movie/otherwise remove myself from the house.
See the difference? One is all about telling someone else what to do. And how on earth do you enforce that? The other is all about you, and what you're going to do--and you have all the power in the world to make that happen.
But again, it seems to be way past time for that sort of thing.
I'd also like to comment on your "boundary" of him not drinking. There is a difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are about controlling what another person does. Boundaries are about the action you yourself will take in a given situation.
Rule: No drinking or being drunk in the house.
Boundary: If you are drinking or drunk in the house, I will go visit a friend/go shopping/go see a movie/otherwise remove myself from the house.
See the difference? One is all about telling someone else what to do. And how on earth do you enforce that? The other is all about you, and what you're going to do--and you have all the power in the world to make that happen.
But again, it seems to be way past time for that sort of thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He sounds miserable. I would also say that since he wants those funds paid direct to him and has brought it up, he sounds to be prepping for divorce, and first thing he will do is nip all things financial. So prepare yourself.
Only you can decide how long you will put up with this miserable person. You deserve more.
Only you can decide how long you will put up with this miserable person. You deserve more.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hummer.....an alcoholic who is wanting to drink is a miserable being.....kind of like a lion with a thorn in it's paw.....
It doesn't matter if you twist yourself into a pretzel for them....they have got one thing on their mind....the disease...the alcoholic voice is whispering in their ear to drink...
All of your good work and planning just goes down the drain.....
At some point, it just becomes intolerable for most people....
If you ever reach that point...I hope that you will have the wisdom to get your financial matters in good order...like hopeful said.....
Someone wrote on here, recently,that women divorce with emotion and men divorce with their wallets.....
Be sure that if you decide on divorce...that you have every intention of following through!!!!!!!!! Otherwise it will be just another thing to wear you down.......
dandylion
It doesn't matter if you twist yourself into a pretzel for them....they have got one thing on their mind....the disease...the alcoholic voice is whispering in their ear to drink...
All of your good work and planning just goes down the drain.....
At some point, it just becomes intolerable for most people....
If you ever reach that point...I hope that you will have the wisdom to get your financial matters in good order...like hopeful said.....
Someone wrote on here, recently,that women divorce with emotion and men divorce with their wallets.....
Be sure that if you decide on divorce...that you have every intention of following through!!!!!!!!! Otherwise it will be just another thing to wear you down.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by Hummer 
The next text I received was sent to me and our tenant who lives in the property he owns saying that the rental (that has been paid into my account since Feb this year and I feel has been a source of resentment for him) to be paid to his pension pot with immediate effect - this really struck me as a low blow. I only have a part time wage due to me to-ing and fro-ing between my town and work place and his every other week. He seems to want to punish or control or something.
Now he has all his big wages and rental etc and I have my part time wage which isn't much but I can survive on it.
Now he has all his big wages and rental etc and I have my part time wage which isn't much but I can survive on it.
A couple of months ago, without my knowledge or any communication with me, my STBX opened a personal checking account, redirected his direct deposits from the joint checking account to his personal checking account and then sent me an e-mail message to inform me of everything he did and that going forward I would get $X for alimony and child support.
I thought I had time until we went to mediation. I was shocked he made a unilateral decision with the finances. No discussions. Nothing. In fact, I suspected he opened a personal checking account and confronted him 3 times. He denied it every time. It's a cautionary tale I wanted to share with you. Take what you want and leave the rest, but please proceed carefully for your own sake.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by honeypig
Seconding what Lexie said. You don't need anyone else to tell you "OK, now it's bad enough. Now you can leave and not feel guilty about it."
I'd also like to comment on your "boundary" of him not drinking. There is a difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are about controlling what another person does. Boundaries are about the action you yourself will take in a given situation.
Rule: No drinking or being drunk in the house.
Boundary: If you are drinking or drunk in the house, I will go visit a friend/go shopping/go see a movie/otherwise remove myself from the house.
See the difference? One is all about telling someone else what to do. And how on earth do you enforce that? The other is all about you, and what you're going to do--and you have all the power in the world to make that happen.
But again, it seems to be way past time for that sort of thing.
I'd also like to comment on your "boundary" of him not drinking. There is a difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are about controlling what another person does. Boundaries are about the action you yourself will take in a given situation.
Rule: No drinking or being drunk in the house.
Boundary: If you are drinking or drunk in the house, I will go visit a friend/go shopping/go see a movie/otherwise remove myself from the house.
See the difference? One is all about telling someone else what to do. And how on earth do you enforce that? The other is all about you, and what you're going to do--and you have all the power in the world to make that happen.
But again, it seems to be way past time for that sort of thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi all and thank you for comments.
I have been away for an all female holiday to celebrate my mothers 60th for the last five days. Had minimal contact with husband while away (one text per day - my choice) and didn't share any of my marriages troubles with the family as I didn't want the focus of the holiday to be that and I also couldn't be bothered talking about it any more and just enjoyed a bit of escapism.
Home now, tired and unsure how to proceed. Husband 400 miles away at work. Up until now and since last December all he has really done is stop the drinking and become a dry drunk.
When I told him this last week he googled the term and admitted that that was a fair description of him these days, he has made contact with an ex addict who now counsels people through recovery not just sobriety and he also has an appointment with an addiction counsellor starting 4th July.
I am still 50/50 about going my own way or waiting to see what abstinence along side recovery would look like - would that eventually be fixing things properly from his side?
I have been away for an all female holiday to celebrate my mothers 60th for the last five days. Had minimal contact with husband while away (one text per day - my choice) and didn't share any of my marriages troubles with the family as I didn't want the focus of the holiday to be that and I also couldn't be bothered talking about it any more and just enjoyed a bit of escapism.
Home now, tired and unsure how to proceed. Husband 400 miles away at work. Up until now and since last December all he has really done is stop the drinking and become a dry drunk.
When I told him this last week he googled the term and admitted that that was a fair description of him these days, he has made contact with an ex addict who now counsels people through recovery not just sobriety and he also has an appointment with an addiction counsellor starting 4th July.
I am still 50/50 about going my own way or waiting to see what abstinence along side recovery would look like - would that eventually be fixing things properly from his side?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
an appointment on the 4th of JULY? if you are in the US, i have to say i doubt that??
more shall be revealed they say. and it is entirely up to you on how much MORE of your precious life you are going to invest in "wait and see". solid down in the dirt recovery CAN bring about some amazing changes in people, but i have only seen that happen when the person experiences a spiritual awakening. a wholesale psychic change. and the recovering addict/alcoholic starts trudging that road to happy destiny.
wishing you both the best. i am so glad you had a good time on your Ladies Holiday!
more shall be revealed they say. and it is entirely up to you on how much MORE of your precious life you are going to invest in "wait and see". solid down in the dirt recovery CAN bring about some amazing changes in people, but i have only seen that happen when the person experiences a spiritual awakening. a wholesale psychic change. and the recovering addict/alcoholic starts trudging that road to happy destiny.
wishing you both the best. i am so glad you had a good time on your Ladies Holiday!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
an appointment on the 4th of JULY? if you are in the US, i have to say i doubt that??
We are in the UK!
Thank you for comments AnvilheadII - You are absolutely spot on about precious life and how much more of it should be invested in 'what if's'
We are in the UK!
Thank you for comments AnvilheadII - You are absolutely spot on about precious life and how much more of it should be invested in 'what if's'
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
So, approx ten days ago since our latest fallout and we haven't spoken since. Husband asking for my final answer re divorce saying he absolutely doesn't want this.
I think my options are to either go back to marriage to see what abstinence looks like alongside recovery as he only put down the drink in December with no other support OR to stay out now and forge ahead on my own.
The indecision is crippling, interrupts sleep, constant stress headaches - fear - scared of throwing towel in too soon but also vigilant that I don't want to invest any more precious time if enough is already enough.
How I would love some clarity...
Counselling for both of us ( separately) on Monday.
He is in England and me in Scotland.
i look forward to and appreciate all your comments.
I think my options are to either go back to marriage to see what abstinence looks like alongside recovery as he only put down the drink in December with no other support OR to stay out now and forge ahead on my own.
The indecision is crippling, interrupts sleep, constant stress headaches - fear - scared of throwing towel in too soon but also vigilant that I don't want to invest any more precious time if enough is already enough.
How I would love some clarity...
Counselling for both of us ( separately) on Monday.
He is in England and me in Scotland.
i look forward to and appreciate all your comments.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
All you've got from him right now is words. I sure wouldn't go back to a relationship, given the history right now, on the slender hope he suddenly means what he says.
It's your life, but I sure wouldn't do it.
It's your life, but I sure wouldn't do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi all,
Two months on since I decided to stay in marriage to see what addiction counselling/recovery looked like and Things have been mixed!
We moved into a nice new apartment in England in July - husbands base. I've been spending more time down there but still keeping home and job in Scotland- cant seem to feel comfortable enough to throw all eggs in one basket for now...
He's been seeing an addiction counsellor every week but has never again mentioned AA - still a thorny issue - he's not exactly open about any progress he feels he's making - in fact we don't really discuss it at all - communication in this area remains difficult and we both seem to avoid it.
Me, because I don't want to rock boat and him because maybe he isn't really 100% committed to AF life ??
I definitely smelled alcohol and saw the physical signs that he had been drinking when he arrived at my home last Thursday for a five night stay. I noticed bottle of mouthwash sticking out of his bag and it was gone from the house when I returned from work following day. He was sweating the following day and couldn't manage to eat much when we went out for lunch.
Again, I didn't raise the fact that he'd clearly been drinking the day before as we had his daughter with us. The remaining 4 days of his stay we spent together 24/7 so no more drinking was possible for him and we had reasonably pleasant days out etc
Now he is at other side of world for work for 10 days so who knows what he will get up to.
If I mention that I know he was drunk then I am forced to act as I have told him 2 months ago that I won't continue to be with him in active addiction and this is such a hard thing to follow through on - I really did mean it when I said it but that's why I haven't brought it up because when I do I will have to walk away - procrastinating
Other than this we have a nice life and it's not going to be easy to leave all of that and an otherwise good man even though he keeps making decisions to drink that are really damaging our marriage.
Anyone have any advice, ideas, comments?
I'd love to hear from you.
Two months on since I decided to stay in marriage to see what addiction counselling/recovery looked like and Things have been mixed!
We moved into a nice new apartment in England in July - husbands base. I've been spending more time down there but still keeping home and job in Scotland- cant seem to feel comfortable enough to throw all eggs in one basket for now...
He's been seeing an addiction counsellor every week but has never again mentioned AA - still a thorny issue - he's not exactly open about any progress he feels he's making - in fact we don't really discuss it at all - communication in this area remains difficult and we both seem to avoid it.
Me, because I don't want to rock boat and him because maybe he isn't really 100% committed to AF life ??
I definitely smelled alcohol and saw the physical signs that he had been drinking when he arrived at my home last Thursday for a five night stay. I noticed bottle of mouthwash sticking out of his bag and it was gone from the house when I returned from work following day. He was sweating the following day and couldn't manage to eat much when we went out for lunch.
Again, I didn't raise the fact that he'd clearly been drinking the day before as we had his daughter with us. The remaining 4 days of his stay we spent together 24/7 so no more drinking was possible for him and we had reasonably pleasant days out etc
Now he is at other side of world for work for 10 days so who knows what he will get up to.
If I mention that I know he was drunk then I am forced to act as I have told him 2 months ago that I won't continue to be with him in active addiction and this is such a hard thing to follow through on - I really did mean it when I said it but that's why I haven't brought it up because when I do I will have to walk away - procrastinating
Other than this we have a nice life and it's not going to be easy to leave all of that and an otherwise good man even though he keeps making decisions to drink that are really damaging our marriage.
Anyone have any advice, ideas, comments?
I'd love to hear from you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That's how I realized my second husband (whom I had just married) had gone back to drinking. And I did the same thing you're doing. He won't be able to keep up the facade for long. I'd start making plans, even if you aren't ready to put them into motion just yet.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hi hummer.....Welll, you see what "counseling recovery" looks like. It looks like he is trying controlled drinking and trying to hide it.
But, as I remember...you had become pretty savy as to what no program of support is likely to produce....
It sounds like he is not ready to reach for recovery.....and, it sounds like you are not ready to call it quits. Maybe still in the FOG...? F--fear O--obligation
G--guilt.
I don't recall if you are going to alanon or other such support group or seeing a counselor of your own....
If not, I think that would be a good step to prepare yourself for the future....
I really don't see any use to argue or fight with him on the subject any longer....
What good would it do..He sees alcohol as the solution and you see it as the p roblem...and neither of you are ready for the change.....
In the longer view...since alcoholism is progressive...it will grow worse over time....so, your discomfort with the effects on the relationship is likely to increase over time, also. That might make it easier for you to eventually decide on making a change. But, he sounds relatively young and in pretty good shape (AF)...so that could take years for him to spiral downwards to where he is willing to think of abstainence......
A common saying, around here, is....more will be revealed....
I know it is hard when you are still hanging on to hope and trying to read the tea leaves (Earl Grey..lol). I just hope that you get all the support that you need....
But, as I remember...you had become pretty savy as to what no program of support is likely to produce....
It sounds like he is not ready to reach for recovery.....and, it sounds like you are not ready to call it quits. Maybe still in the FOG...? F--fear O--obligation
G--guilt.
I don't recall if you are going to alanon or other such support group or seeing a counselor of your own....
If not, I think that would be a good step to prepare yourself for the future....
I really don't see any use to argue or fight with him on the subject any longer....
What good would it do..He sees alcohol as the solution and you see it as the p roblem...and neither of you are ready for the change.....
In the longer view...since alcoholism is progressive...it will grow worse over time....so, your discomfort with the effects on the relationship is likely to increase over time, also. That might make it easier for you to eventually decide on making a change. But, he sounds relatively young and in pretty good shape (AF)...so that could take years for him to spiral downwards to where he is willing to think of abstainence......
A common saying, around here, is....more will be revealed....
I know it is hard when you are still hanging on to hope and trying to read the tea leaves (Earl Grey..lol). I just hope that you get all the support that you need....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah I agree ^^
Your eyes are wide open. You don't have to talk to him about it now - or ever, really... and you can start making plans for yourself knowing what you know.
No advice - you seem to see it all very clearly - his issue and yours - and you'll do what you need to do when you are ready to do it.
(((HUGS))) I wish things were different!
Your eyes are wide open. You don't have to talk to him about it now - or ever, really... and you can start making plans for yourself knowing what you know.
No advice - you seem to see it all very clearly - his issue and yours - and you'll do what you need to do when you are ready to do it.
(((HUGS))) I wish things were different!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow a mouthwash bottle huh. That's really sad. Did he evenput some blue or green food coloring in it? He's probably drinking his brains out right now. And has been if he's that sick when around you. There is really nothing to discuss with him at all. He will deny it anyway and you'll be on the same Merry-go-round you've always been on. I think you know what next steps must be. Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
I really appreciate the comments. Nobody else can really understand the turmoil of addiction - I'm sure some of my friends and family think that maybe I'm over reacting and "surely it's ok for him to drink on holiday" etc - ignorance mainly - addiction doesn't work like that as we all sadly know.
My husband hasn't drunk alcohol in my presence since I discovered his problem 3 years ago - behind my back definitely! We don't have alcohol in the house and on the rare occasion I have a few drinks it's when I'm out with friends. I sometimes wonder if that makes me a hypocrite. I do enjoy alcohol less and less but still sometimes fancy a cocktail with girlfriends etc
(Refiner - I maybe wasn't clear - The mouthwash was used to cover the smell of alcohol he had consumed before he reached home and he cleaned his teeth on arrival and used more mouthwash - obviously not realising that this was very suspicious behaviour in itself...
My husband hasn't drunk alcohol in my presence since I discovered his problem 3 years ago - behind my back definitely! We don't have alcohol in the house and on the rare occasion I have a few drinks it's when I'm out with friends. I sometimes wonder if that makes me a hypocrite. I do enjoy alcohol less and less but still sometimes fancy a cocktail with girlfriends etc
(Refiner - I maybe wasn't clear - The mouthwash was used to cover the smell of alcohol he had consumed before he reached home and he cleaned his teeth on arrival and used more mouthwash - obviously not realising that this was very suspicious behaviour in itself...
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