First Thanksgiving with New Normal
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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First Thanksgiving with New Normal
New normal? Is any of it really normal? Anyway...so I just got home from the week I was concerned about with my kids for the first Thanksgiving without their dad. They spent the Wednesday night before with him at his mother's home in NJ. I was really so worried.
In the end...my daughter and I had an amazing week together. She didn't skip a beat. One night we stayed up until 4 am talking about my STBXAH (her father) and how she was. I see so much in how she is the ACOA that insists this never affected her and she is staying in control of her life. While she was in college while the sh*t really hit the fan, and her brother was still at home, she definitely was affected by him. She was able to talk about many times that now make sense to her. She has a ton of anger at him and I just really listened. And helped her try and make sense of it. Hopefully one day she will get herself into Alanon, but until then, all I could do was be there for her and listen. We had a great time together and it was great.
My son is another story. As you know he hasn't spoken to me in months. And as many of you suggested, do not talk about the situation and let thanksgiving be thanksgiving. That is what I did. When I picked him up at the airport it was a bit cold, but ok. As the days went on he began to thaw and we had a really great time. My nephew was there as well and they are best friends. It was a really great thanksgiving.
Then...the day before he was leaving (about 4 days in to this), I was trying to talk to him about school and he refused to talk to me. He won't communicate about anything except surface stuff, but he's a 19 year old boy, so I leave it at that. Well, my sister in law is an ACOA and said something to him about pain. And all of the sudden we were in a discussion about alcoholism (my son, his cousin, my daughter, me and my sister in law). My sister in law did most of the talking from her perspective and my son did alot of crying. Every time the word alcohol was mentioned he really cried hard. We talked about the load he had to bear, as he knew my husband had a drinking problem well before anyone else, and how he tried to hide it. We let him know how hard that must've been and I told him in no way is he to feel that any of this is his fault.
He mainly nodded and cried alot. I told him exactly what one of you had said on here in response to my last post "I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. Now that I know better, I do better." I told him I am doing alot of healing and we all have a long road to travel. He agreed to get help at school and go to a counselor.
My nephew related a story to my son and got very emotional while telling the story. All 5 of us were crying. It was some crazy heavy stuff. But I was really able to see the intense pain my son has and the heavy load he's carrying. I think he felt a bit of relief as my sister in law talked about her perspective from her situation as she was growing up. We all told him how we are there for him any time. He seemed a bit lighter after that, but I just don't know.
It really burns me up that my husband has put my son in this spot. Yes, I know, I had my part in this, but the fact that my husband paid my son to lie to me about the drinking, really burns me up. He has put such a load on this poor kid and I'm again, the one trying to fix this. I know, I know, I can't fix this and it's the codie in me to want to, but as his mother, if i can let him know how loved he is and point him in the direction towards help I'm going to. I know i can't fix this for him. And it might take him decades before he ever really gets help (if ever) or sees how it affected him, I do know that. And I do know this is the journey we were all given and I can't change that, but as a mom, you just want to take the sting out of it if possible. It's just so fricken sad. It is soo soo sad. He didn't ask for this. None of us did. And the fact that my AH is acting like all is great because he stopped drinking 6 months ago and lost weight and works out really gets me. He could care less about this kid's pain. Either of the kids. He is just pissed off that my daughter doesn't talk to him.
Anyone know a good therapist for him in the Tallahassee area?
On a lighter note, for the first time, coming home from a vacation I was ecstatic to go to my house. I used to get so depressed when I had to go home because it was back to living the nightmare. Not this time. It was back to my quiet peaceful home.
One thing I did realize from the week though was i still have alot of work to do on me. All kinds of little things showed me that, but that's ok. Just little reminders that I have to keep moving forward. I really pray my kids will be ok.
As my daughter said to me, in the line from the Exotic Marigold Hotel "Mom, everything will be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end."
What a week.
In the end...my daughter and I had an amazing week together. She didn't skip a beat. One night we stayed up until 4 am talking about my STBXAH (her father) and how she was. I see so much in how she is the ACOA that insists this never affected her and she is staying in control of her life. While she was in college while the sh*t really hit the fan, and her brother was still at home, she definitely was affected by him. She was able to talk about many times that now make sense to her. She has a ton of anger at him and I just really listened. And helped her try and make sense of it. Hopefully one day she will get herself into Alanon, but until then, all I could do was be there for her and listen. We had a great time together and it was great.
My son is another story. As you know he hasn't spoken to me in months. And as many of you suggested, do not talk about the situation and let thanksgiving be thanksgiving. That is what I did. When I picked him up at the airport it was a bit cold, but ok. As the days went on he began to thaw and we had a really great time. My nephew was there as well and they are best friends. It was a really great thanksgiving.
Then...the day before he was leaving (about 4 days in to this), I was trying to talk to him about school and he refused to talk to me. He won't communicate about anything except surface stuff, but he's a 19 year old boy, so I leave it at that. Well, my sister in law is an ACOA and said something to him about pain. And all of the sudden we were in a discussion about alcoholism (my son, his cousin, my daughter, me and my sister in law). My sister in law did most of the talking from her perspective and my son did alot of crying. Every time the word alcohol was mentioned he really cried hard. We talked about the load he had to bear, as he knew my husband had a drinking problem well before anyone else, and how he tried to hide it. We let him know how hard that must've been and I told him in no way is he to feel that any of this is his fault.
He mainly nodded and cried alot. I told him exactly what one of you had said on here in response to my last post "I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. Now that I know better, I do better." I told him I am doing alot of healing and we all have a long road to travel. He agreed to get help at school and go to a counselor.
My nephew related a story to my son and got very emotional while telling the story. All 5 of us were crying. It was some crazy heavy stuff. But I was really able to see the intense pain my son has and the heavy load he's carrying. I think he felt a bit of relief as my sister in law talked about her perspective from her situation as she was growing up. We all told him how we are there for him any time. He seemed a bit lighter after that, but I just don't know.
It really burns me up that my husband has put my son in this spot. Yes, I know, I had my part in this, but the fact that my husband paid my son to lie to me about the drinking, really burns me up. He has put such a load on this poor kid and I'm again, the one trying to fix this. I know, I know, I can't fix this and it's the codie in me to want to, but as his mother, if i can let him know how loved he is and point him in the direction towards help I'm going to. I know i can't fix this for him. And it might take him decades before he ever really gets help (if ever) or sees how it affected him, I do know that. And I do know this is the journey we were all given and I can't change that, but as a mom, you just want to take the sting out of it if possible. It's just so fricken sad. It is soo soo sad. He didn't ask for this. None of us did. And the fact that my AH is acting like all is great because he stopped drinking 6 months ago and lost weight and works out really gets me. He could care less about this kid's pain. Either of the kids. He is just pissed off that my daughter doesn't talk to him.
Anyone know a good therapist for him in the Tallahassee area?
On a lighter note, for the first time, coming home from a vacation I was ecstatic to go to my house. I used to get so depressed when I had to go home because it was back to living the nightmare. Not this time. It was back to my quiet peaceful home.
One thing I did realize from the week though was i still have alot of work to do on me. All kinds of little things showed me that, but that's ok. Just little reminders that I have to keep moving forward. I really pray my kids will be ok.
As my daughter said to me, in the line from the Exotic Marigold Hotel "Mom, everything will be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end."
What a week.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
That sounds like an amazing and therapeutic holiday, for everyone involved, Finding Amy. So often people keep the hard stuff under the rug; I think it's great that in this case, everyone was able to open up and talk about the issues and the residual pain.
And this: "as his mother, if i can let him know how loved he is and point him in the direction towards help I'm going to," well, yes. I'm not a codie-expert, but that sounds like what a loving mom would and should do. They are our children, after all, and we're partly responsible for what they've suffered (speaking for myself, now). Me too; I want to help my children get the help they need, and I want them to know that I love them and am sorry for what they've experienced with their dad.
I completely relate to your appreciation for your peaceful home, too. Ditto.
And this: "as his mother, if i can let him know how loved he is and point him in the direction towards help I'm going to," well, yes. I'm not a codie-expert, but that sounds like what a loving mom would and should do. They are our children, after all, and we're partly responsible for what they've suffered (speaking for myself, now). Me too; I want to help my children get the help they need, and I want them to know that I love them and am sorry for what they've experienced with their dad.
I completely relate to your appreciation for your peaceful home, too. Ditto.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It sounds to me as if your son has already had a huge burden lifted. I'd move cautiously in terms of loading him up with more information and "help" than he's ready for, or asking too many questions about "how he's doing." He's not a little kid but an adult. I'd point him to some resources and then leave it to him to use or not use as he sees fit. And remember, too, that every time he's unhappy or closed-off it won't necessarily be due to his childhood. At 19, he has a lot on his plate with school, friends, relationships, etc. Make sure you give him enough space to work through things on his own.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Yes, LexieCat, I often have to remind myself that he's 19 and dealing with a ton of stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with this. And he's quiet to begin with. I try to find that fine line between giving him space and letting him shut me out and not pushing a little bit for communication. He is like my husband in that way, in that he shuts himself off from everyone when he doesn't like the conversation. I think that's what also scares me is that he has so many of the same characteristics as my husband and I don't want him traveling that path. But I know i can't control that. It's all so difficult.
Thanks Sauerkraut for your words of support. Being a mom is hard enough without all of this added in!
Thanks Sauerkraut for your words of support. Being a mom is hard enough without all of this added in!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I have seen a theme here on a few threads about children of alcoholics. My husband and I are both ACOAs. While it has been a very hard hurdle and we both have a lot of codependent tendencies, I also think some of our best qualities have come out of our backgrounds, i.e. resiliency, independence, empathy, deep concerns for our children (I think we have done a much better job raising our children than either of our sets of parents did) and we both have been forced into "self care" due to some pretty big emotional issues from our childhoods . What helps me most in my childhood issues is empathy from others who truly understand. It sounds like the Universe made sure that your SIL is there for your son. My girlfriend who is a therapist has told me what she has always admired most in me is that I admit my problems and seek help. What caused me to seek help was some pretty deep childhood wounds, but because I sought that help, I think I have grown exponentially in my emotional life. So, in some weird way, maybe my childhood issues have been a gift to me, in some respects. As a mother of four, I know that your son's heart is your heart walking around on man-boy legs, but keep him in your prayers and keep the empathetic doors open and I think he is going to be A-Okay.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It really sounds perfect - everything unfolding organically & having SIL's experience really "speak" to DS. So perfect because it wasn't strategized ahead of time & just happened. That's the BEST way for these things.
(((((Hugs)))))) I know you were incredibly stressed, I'm so happy it went well!
(((((Hugs)))))) I know you were incredibly stressed, I'm so happy it went well!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like a great holiday all around. What a blessing to have your sister in law there. It sounds like she was a great source of support for your kids and that her experience especially resonated with your son. I know how concerned you have been for him. I'm so glad to read this post. Sounds like your recovery is already sending out those little ripples of healing into everyone's pond.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so glad you had a nice holiday. Crying is very healing, and I am sure that you guys went through that heavy time was quite a relief for your son, bless his heart.
Keep up the great work in your own life, and in the encouragement in your family.
Many hugs.
Keep up the great work in your own life, and in the encouragement in your family.
Many hugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Thanks all. It is all exhausting but moving in a positive direction.
DoubleDragons your post gave me chills. It was so great. Especially "I know that your son's heart is your heart walking around on man-boy legs, but keep him in your prayers and keep the empathetic doors open and I think he is going to be A-Okay." Thank you for that. That's just how I feel about him.
DoubleDragons your post gave me chills. It was so great. Especially "I know that your son's heart is your heart walking around on man-boy legs, but keep him in your prayers and keep the empathetic doors open and I think he is going to be A-Okay." Thank you for that. That's just how I feel about him.
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