MsGrace

I'm engaged to a man with a 9 year old...and his ex wife is a very active alcoholic (the boy's mother)
She was successful getting the court to allow her to move the boy to Texas (we live in the Pac NW) unfortunately. Away from his dad, his cub scouts, his grandparents, school and everything he'd known.
She is...absolutely deluded about most everything. I've done my best to keep open communication with her...as her communication with my fiance' is still not great.
This boy is very troubled...he was in trouble almost every day in school last year...uncooperative, bullying, angry. He's been in therapy...and threatened sucicide last spring which landed him in a lock down facility for 4 days. He has violently attacked his mother both verbally and physically.
We had him all summer...and he was just perfect. Calm, cooperative, funny, smart...we didn't have any problems with him. I sent her a long letter at the end of the summer letting her know how the summer went and my observations that this boy needs his dad and his mom.
We had him for ten days over Thanksgiving. He was fine for most of it...but one day when his dad was at work, I took him to a large park to get outside and play and we were there about 2 hours. I had an appt and when it was time to leave...he started verbally berating me, yelling at me...he didn't want to go. I kept walking toward the car. The next thing I know...he ran up the hill behind me..body slammed me then grabbed my arm and tried to throw me to the ground. I was just flabbergasted. I told him to stop and kept walking. Once at the car...he still refused to get in. Finally he did...we went home, I took away his electronics, made him clean his room and we waited for his dad to get home.

Frankly.....I have no idea what to do. He will be with us all summer and now I'm apprehensive about my own safety. With a 9 year old. His mother is incoherent...I don't think we'll ever get any kind of reasonable conversation going with her. She's all about blame and shame and victim.

I'm seeing my therapist this week to see what my options may be...and of course, Al Anon helps. Just no idea whatsoever what we can do to help this child. Any ideas?

LexieCat

I'd be getting the child into therapy, for one thing. And consulting an attorney. Given what's happened since the move, it sounds as if mom isn't capable of parenting him. The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act, adopted by almost every state, I believe vests the original court with continuing jurisdiction as to custody matters.

This is a deeply troubled kid, regardless of the cause. He's likely to wind up seriously harming someone unless something can be done to help him.

FeelingGreat

He sounds like so much lovely potential being trashed by his mother. Any chance of her voluntarily surrendering custody?

AnvilheadII

what is the child's FATHER willing to do? i'm curious how the court decision fell in her favor, given her condition.

MsGrace

Father invested a staggering amount of money to go to court to prevent this move. He lost. Her attorney was successful keeping ANY discussion of alcoholism out of the case. Reason: no proof. No DUI, no arrest record, no proof. This is the huge gaping glitch in the legal system. In the absence of that discussion, she built a case that she could go to work for her dad. She hasn't worked since being there, I might add.
There you go

LexieCat

I'd say it's a huge gaping glitch in the judge's legal education. His testimony, if credible, is sufficient in itself. This isn't criminal court where proof beyond a reasonable doubt is needed (and even in criminal cases a witness's testimony standing alone can be sufficient). And it's not as if he were seeking to terminate parental rights or something, the issue is what is in the child's best interest.

Whatever the result before, I think that the behavioral issues and the fact that she is not working, might warrant the court's taking another look at the case. These are changed circumstances. Is there any documentation--school or counseling records--of the behavioral problems? Does the child say that mommy drinks?

MsGrace

Yes the child has spoken about her drinking. It's not up to me if his dad is prepared to go back to battle in court.

And frankly....I'm trying to just take care of myself at this point. To be very honest...I'm not excited about living with a dangerous child even if he decided to take it back to court. I think it's why I'm in counseling. I need to really look at what marrying into this awful situation means. Am I ready to take on another alcoholic, the drama and all the damage it has and will cause? I'm unable to answer that definitively, right now.

Almost too much for me to think about. I'm focused on what is my deepest truth for me. I'll either determine I can take ALL this on..and learn to cope with it, or I can't.

What happens with this child is largely up to what his parents do. I came in here to get perspective for myself...and I appreciate all your thoughtful comments.

LexieCat

Sorry, your first post asked for advice about "how to help this child."

I agree--this is a lot for you to be potentially taking on, and you are doing no one any favors if you don't feel up to it--and I can't blame you if you don't.

I think sorting things out with your therapist is a very good idea.

Hugs,

atalose

In my opinion I think you should take your time with your counseling and don’t proceed any further with marriage until all of your anxiety is resolved. This child is only 9 and there are many more years especially the pre-teen and teenage years to come.

Sometimes we think we can handle the “baggage” another person brings into the relationship and it certainly seemed to be a pleasant summer for the 3 of you. Even a nice 10 day Thanksgiving minus that one day he had a major melt down. This child seems to need guidance on how to handle his anger in an appropriate way. He seems to understand that “his way” that he uses with and against his mom is not the way with you and his Dad but it came out unfortunately at you on that day.

Just my own opinion and advocating on the child’s side, he may need more of your and his dad’s time not less of it if he’s to have a better chance in life.

Advocating for you – it’s not easy getting involved with someone else’s kids, dealing with their ex and throw alcohol issues on top of that you are always one match away from a bonfire. That’s something you really need to work with your counselor on and know without a doubt or questions that you are committed to a marriage that includes that kind of baggage or discover without guilt that it’s not something you want to sign up for.

hopeful4

Wow that had to be really scary. Of course, it makes me think he sees or experiences physical violence in his life somewhere. I am so sorry for the stress you are experiencing, and for that little guy too.

I would stay with the therapist. When he does come, 9 is old enough to understand very strong boundaries, so I would sit him down and explain that right off the bat. Add how much you guys love and cherish the time with him, but that it needs to be safe time. It's likely he cherishes the time too with such a chaotic mother. However, it's easy to slip into bad behavior at times.

Many hugs to you.