Wisconsin

This an oldie but goodie that my STBXAH has trotted out many, many, many times over the years. Rants about what a snob I am, and how I have always thought that I am so much better than him. In the early years I would defend myself and deny it. Later, I would just ignore it. Once, I responded that I don't think I'm better than HIM, but I do think I am better than the way he treats me.

All these years later, with several months of peace in my own place under my belt, his insecurities are even more glaring. He truly is an egomaniac with an inferiority complex (something I read very early on in my days here). For some reason, I was thinking of these particular exchanges today, and the very first thing that popped into my head was "you know who's better than you? YOU are better than this version of you. This bitter, resentful, abusive version of you."

It's just one of the many things I will file away in my own brain as part of my recovery. Yet another way he projected his own crap on to me.

LexieCat

Great insight, Wisconsin. Said to him, of course, it would have been a waste of breath, but so very true.

Wisconsin

Truth, Lexie. I certainly know better than to share my personal wisdom with him!

FeelingGreat

You're right about it coming from an inferiority complex which he'll never lose unless he starts treating himself and others with some respect.

Liveitwell

W-do you know how many times I spoke those exact words to my then husband? Too many to count in this lifetime. I knew he was better than how he treated us-his family. But he didn't live himself and took it out on the people that supposedly mattered most to him. My ex always has had an inferiority complex-agaibst his friends, his coworkers, the world, everyone....sure he puts on brovado and charisma and acts like he doesn't, but he does-and way too many times his crap was projected onto me-verbal abuse and just insane comments, actions. I wasted too much of my life believing in someone who does not believe in himself-and I did believe in him, 100% supported him in whatever he chose to do with work, etc-but I should have solely been focusing on what I could believe in-and started to believe in-ME. The big book has them pegged-whether they believe it or not.
W-you are doing awesome and I agree that the more time you're away and the more space and clarity you get being removed from the crazy situation, the more you look back and go, "what the f&&k was I thinking and doing all those years?!". Therein lies the answers in recovery.

sauerkraut

In one of his drunken rants, my AH attacked my "Protestant work ethic." Omg; I didn't even know that was a thing anymore. [I may have laughed out loud.] I think he was making a similar complaint about my supposed air of superiority.

Scott834

That is some very interesting insight. I have heard many a similar statement. I always thought it was just a dig ir a way to turn the topic away from her drinking. It does make so much more sense that it was more about her insecurities. Thank you for sharing.

honeypig

It's astounding how much we see things thru THEIR eyes and don't even realize that's what's happening, isn't it? I think YOUR eyesight is just about 20/20 these days!

Hugs and more hugs, Wisconsin.

Liveitwell

SauerK-my ex did the same thing...when sober he praised me for turning my life around, etc...when drinking he tried to level me, including my faith-and called me horrible names like "fake Christian, you think you're better than everyone"....sigh. And he also verbally abused my youngest telling her she wasn't a child of Gid abd was no good. Every single word was aout him-pure projection and trying to tear others down bc of how he felt about himself....still doesn't make it ok or remotely healthy. It's good to get to a point to be able to SEE it for what it is.

Redheadsusie

I get this all the time - when sober he used to praise me on my work ethic my self discipline my parenting - but when drinking and actually even when sober lately it was all turned around - I think I'm better than him my expectations are too high... quack quack quack . I did have to laugh when I recently told him he needed to keep a job and have health insurance that's when he told me my expectations were too high. Boy I'm unreasonable aren't I? Sending you hugs unfortunately you're not alone in this

honeypig

RHS, that is TOTALLY unreasonable! I mean, come on--how DARE you ask him to act like an adult and be responsible for himself. That's just CRAZY talk!

Wisconsin

I love you guys!

Yeah, when we were still under the same roof, this came up a lot when I was refusing to engage with him during his freak-outs. Walking away from him was a HUGE trigger for his abuse. He would start with the "you think you're so much better than me, you effing snob," and then he would move on to how "disrespectful" I was being by walking away from him, and it would just go downhill from there, following me around the house, getting angrier and angrier.

Have I mentioned how unbelievably happy I am to be OUT?!?

On a side note, he called me last night because one of his favorite friends in his trade union had a brain aneurysm yesterday. Depending on the friend's condition, he wanted to know if I would be willing to trade evenings with him (he usually has our son on Tuesday nights) so he can go visit his friend at the hospital tonight. Of course I agreed, and I was really astounded at the fact that I felt a "normal" amount of compassion for STBXAH. His trade is very, very dangerous, and somebody is badly hurt or killed pretty much every year. And because they work hard and "play hard," a lot of these guys die of natural causes at pretty young ages. STBXAH always gets very, very emotional when someone gets sick or hurt, or dies, and you better believe I was a good codie and took all that pain on as my own pain. This time around, I felt compassion, and was happy to agree to switch evenings, and that was that.

hopeful4

Wisconsin, you just sound like a different person. I am so happy for you, and the peace you have found.

I still get that, that I think I am better than not only my X, but everyone apparently. I am a snob. Yack, yack, quack, quack. Whatever. I don't even pay it a bit of mind. I know who I am, my kids know who I am, that is all that matters to me. My lifestyle stacked up against his shows it, 100%.

Many hugs my friend!