Kboys

Hi everybody

Well, long story short...

Separated AH had been gone from our house almost one month. He had been staying with his brother up until Friday, when AH apparently caused a scene, and BIL's landlord said AH needed to leave.

Sooo... he called me on Friday, sounding sober and nice, asking to come stay at the house. I said no, and I was really proud of myself for that... He stayed at a motel,
but then he called again on Saturday, and I gave in.
He stayed Saturday and Sunday. He's not drinking, and things have been fine. It would be really easy for me to get hoovered back in at this point. But I KNOW I can't do that!!!

There is a cabin for rent that is available to AH, but he can't pay the deposit. I'm not rolling in the dough either, but I would like to offer to pay the deposit with my credit card. I will probably never get it back, and I'm okay with that. I feel like it would be worth it. I haven't said anything about it to him yet...

Bad idea?

SadInTX

Ugh...I know there are many others that have better experience with this that will write on this post later...but here is my take on it...if you think that is the way to get him out of the house then I would do it. Just do it quickly so you don't get sucked back in...that is so easy to do...especially when he seems to be "fine"..good for you for saying no on Friday...

Kboys

Thanks SadinTX
Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking, the sooner the better... It's really hard to stay strong
I'm pretty upset with myself for giving in to him, so I think I just want to get him back out ASAP and pretend like it never happened.

LexieCat

You could do that--I've done similar.

Here's the rub. What happens when new landlord kicks him out for nonpayment of rent? You take him back in out of pity again?

This guy is a THREAT to you. I would do whatever it takes to get him out of your house, and you should vow to yourself you will never, ever let him back in without a lot more time, continued sobriety, and evidence that he has successfully addressed his abusive behavior.

It's far easier to keep someone out than it is to kick them out.

Kboys

Thanks Lexie.
You're right. I know... I shouldn't have even answered the phone.
I was feeling so good and strong the last few weeks, and now I feel like sh1t.

Hawkeye13

I'd do it to get him out immediately.

One other thing would be to get a new card with a new number after the deposit posts
so that you don't get more charges for damage, etc. in case he trashes the place or doesn't pay rent.

I know that sounds paranoid, but it isn't.
Don't feel like sh1t, get his arse out and learn the lesson for good and all

Kboys

Thanks Hawkeye,
yeah, that's a good idea to get a new card and number.

ladyscribbler

He got himself into this predicament, and if it wasn't a safety issue for you and the kids I'd say let him twist in the wind. He needs to go, like yesterday. If giving him that deposit is going to get him out then hand him a big jug of pennies and wish him farewell.
Then focus on why you let him come back. I was lost in the F(ear)O(bligation)G(uilt) with my ex for a long time. However horribly he treated me, I kept feeling like I owed him something. Of course he was really good about reminding me how much I owed him, how much he needed me, in case I forgot.

atalose

The quick easy solution would be for you to go into debt so that you get him out from under the bad decision you made, probably to be resentful each and every month when that bill arrives.

The real long term solution for you is to build that strong foundation to stand your ground on and don't hoover. What can you do to remain strong? What are you currently NOT doing that allowed you to cave in and now pay a ransom for your peace of mind.

LexieCat

I don't think it's just expediency--in this case it's a matter of safety. If he were just an annoying drunk that might be a different story. In this case, she needs him out ASAP. The issues that led her to let him back in can be addressed after he's out.

hopeful4

I guess since you let him back in that may be the only way you get him back out. Don't get sucked in babe.....you have worked long and hard to get where you are.

Many hugs.

AnvilheadII

so he could afford a motel room but not a deposit.......what guarantee do you have that IF you pay this deposit, he'll actually LEAVE? has he in fact ASKED? have you asked him to LEAVE without any bait to get him out?

LexieCat

Yeah, please don't beat yourself up. You didn't do anything plenty of other people on this forum haven't done. You realize it was a mistake, and part of you realized it as you were doing it.

Kindness and compassion are good qualities, but you have to be sure you aren't harming yourself or others in the process. In this case, the safety of you and your children demands that he remain OUT for as long as it's necessary for you to be safe with him. In these situations, one wrong move is sort of like the proverbial "one drink" for the alcoholic--it sets off a chain of unpredictable events.

Forgive yourself, and feel free to forgive him in your heart, but keep yourself and your kiddos safe at all costs.

jjj111

Is there some reason you can't just kick him out? With police supervision if necessary? This is just my gut reaction, but I think the idea of you going into credit card debt to fix his f*ck up stinks to high codie he77. This guy did some really scary stuff. I think probably more than enough to justify a restraining order.

Liveitwell

Man, he sure is pouring it on thick now that he's been tossed on his ass and poor him, poor little boy comes running back to the woman he abused?! Kboys-I don't fault you, at all-my ex was a charmer and lied so well that for years I didn't see the lies. But, you know how this will end, you are asking the right questions but for NOW, he needs to be gone, however that is possible, for you and your kids safety. He needs to remain gone for a very very long time.

Love ya, friend. I'm rooting for you!! We all slip-and we learn-and hopefully make a different decision next time!

LexieCat

About the only way to do that would be with a protective order. It's worth considering, even if you decided against it previously.

You might run it by an advocate to gauge your chances and help you decide how best to proceed. As much as you want him out, it's important to do it in a safe way.

Kboys

Thanks everybody. I appreciate all the responses, as usual.

So I went home at lunch today, and he was still there, like I figured he would be. He was in a good mood, had cleaned the house.

I told him my thoughts about paying the deposit
And he got angry, and acted as though he was stunned I was expecting him to leave...
We had talked about him renting this cabin just yesterday. He said at that time he was still "working on" selling his boat and guitar (which he's been saying for months) and that would cover the $1,200 deposit, but I don't see that actually happening soon enough.
He makes minimum wage, but has no bills, so I guess he had enough left over after buying pot, alcohol, and cigarettes to afford one night at a motel... If he really even stayed at a motel... I don't really care to know.

I told him when he got here on Saturday he could stay for "a couple" nights. But I realize I've always given in in the past, so I'm sure he figured I didn't really mean it, and that I would change my mind if he was "nice."

He said,
"I just spent all morning cleaning up... I'm being nice...I am not the piece of sh1t that everyone thinks I am..." and on an on, same old quacking.

He then went on to tell me that he discovered the reason why I go to Al-anon. He said he always "knew" I had "other motives". He said he found my list of Al-anon members names and numbers, and saw that one of his buddies from jail goes to my group. So I obviously have been going just to see him...
He "always had a funny feeling about that guy".
He called me a liar, a *****...
So ridiculous

Why did I think he would be able to have a normal conversation with me about this? I don't know.



He threw the things he came with back into his backpack and left on foot, right after he called me a "f***ing c**t." I locked all the doors before I came back to work. I don't know if he'll try to come back, but I suspect that he will.... I don't know.

I guess that takes care of that... I'm feeling pretty anxious right now though.
Thankfully my mom is picking up the kids from day care today and taking them to her house for the night, she does that usually a couple of times a month, so they won't be there if he does come back drunk or whatever...

I will call the police if he does.

And yeah, I had considered the protective order in the past, but never followed through with it.

I'll see what happens after this I guess....
Or I may just go to my parent's house too. But I'm embarrassed to tell them I let him come over, although I'm sure the kids will fill them in.

Kboys

I think it's the FOG that has kept me from following through with the protective order. I was afraid he would get even more angry if I did that, and really lose it. I was afraid he would be arrested and lose his job. And I still do feel guilt, even though logically I know I shouldn't. I still feel the need to take care of him. I still feel sad when I think about what he experienced as a child.
And I still feel stupid for having chosen him and stayed with him for as long as I did, so maybe I still feel like I deserve the horrible treatment I got, although, again, logically, I know I shouldn't feel that way.

LexieCat

I'm worried still about the possibility he may come back. Please consider the order. Not only will it give the police grounds to arrest him if he contacts you or shows up at your house, it might help give you the extra push YOU need to hold the line at your front door.

His parting words to you indicate he isn't likely to go gently into that figurative good night. He's angry and he's an abusive drunk. Please protect yourself and the kiddos.

And don't worry about what your parents think. Whatever they think or say, they want you to be safe and for their grandchildren to be safe.

Hugs,

healthyagain

Okkkkk, so at least now you know that it is not a good idea for you to pay any deposits. When we are married to people like that, unfortunately, we get tied to them in so many ways. We have joint finances, joint debt, property, and it is hard enough to separate what you already have. Now, this guy was so abusive to you (an he apparently still is!!!!). Remember that the wolf might change his coat, but he will never change his nature. I would strongly recommend to work on separating yourself from this guy financially, and not getting yourself into debt. It might seem like an easy way, just to get him off your back, but how do you know that he really has no money, and are you sure that paying once would not make him come for more? Besides $1200 is a lot of money and that is how much my uncontested divorce costed, for example.

Sooooo, after this episode, please make sure that you are safe. Scr...w his deposit, he is a big boy, he should be able to manage on his own. Remember, your safety comes first.