Holiday Visitation
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Holiday Visitation
My AXH fought me for custody this summer after I filed for sole custody. We mediated on the agreement, which includes me breath testing him before every visit for two years. He must pass consistently for two years before that provision goes away. Less than a week after our mediation, he didn't pass. And now he must either see an alcohol counselor OR have a supervised visit with his daughter in order to resume unsupervised visitation in the future.
The option he chose was to just stop seeing her all together. No phone calls, SKYPE, nothing. Not even a text to me every now and again asking how she is.
My DD's birthday was at the end of October and he brought her a gift. My mom was watching my DD and oversaw the visit. I didn't have any contact with him, which is very much the best thing for me. We don't agree on supervisors, so it has to be a court appointed supervisor (something he agreed to). He won't allow his family to supervise the visits as he doesn't have a functioning relationship with his family now.
My question is, what do I do about Christmas? I don't want contact with him, I don't feel it's my responsibility to oversee his visit, nor do I expect my family to oversee his visit. My DD is 3 and she asks about him. What is best for her?
Do I hold him to our mediated custody arrangement or let him see his daughter on Christmas while I oversee the visit and put my healing aside?
The option he chose was to just stop seeing her all together. No phone calls, SKYPE, nothing. Not even a text to me every now and again asking how she is.
My DD's birthday was at the end of October and he brought her a gift. My mom was watching my DD and oversaw the visit. I didn't have any contact with him, which is very much the best thing for me. We don't agree on supervisors, so it has to be a court appointed supervisor (something he agreed to). He won't allow his family to supervise the visits as he doesn't have a functioning relationship with his family now.
My question is, what do I do about Christmas? I don't want contact with him, I don't feel it's my responsibility to oversee his visit, nor do I expect my family to oversee his visit. My DD is 3 and she asks about him. What is best for her?
Do I hold him to our mediated custody arrangement or let him see his daughter on Christmas while I oversee the visit and put my healing aside?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Stick to the agreement. He knows what he needs to do. It's all spelled out in black and white. You won't be doing anyone any favors by making exceptions. It will just give him a reason not to do what he's supposed to be doing. Christmas is almost a month away. That's plenty of time for him to make arrangements for a court-appointed supervisor if he wants a Christmas visit.
Have you talked to your daughter about alcoholism? I found with my 6 yo son, the "disease model" makes the discussion much easier, both for me to explain and for him to understand. Even very young children know about being sick, and I'm not making a value judgement about his choices and behavior. Though my son did ask me why daddy didn't just go to the doctor if he was sick. Out of the mouths of babes, right?
I'm really sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. Sending big hugs to you both.
Have you talked to your daughter about alcoholism? I found with my 6 yo son, the "disease model" makes the discussion much easier, both for me to explain and for him to understand. Even very young children know about being sick, and I'm not making a value judgement about his choices and behavior. Though my son did ask me why daddy didn't just go to the doctor if he was sick. Out of the mouths of babes, right?
I'm really sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. Sending big hugs to you both.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
His side of the street is his side of the street. If he really wants to see your daughter, let him take the steps to get permission to do so.
You have a mediated settlement, and I wouldn't advise you to be the one who breaches its provisions. You need to adhere to every one of its provisions, so that if you have to go back to Court, it is clear to the Judge that you will follow whatever legal agreement is made exactly as written.
As for Christmas, make it happy with and for your daughter as it is, without her father. That is all you have to offer. When my kids were young and I was divorcing their father, he didn't show up in the ways that I thought he should for my kids. I gave them presents with his name on them, intervened in little ways so it looked like he still cared about them.
I believe that backfired. The truth was that he put his own interests (not alcoholism or addiction) above theirs, and that was just the way he was. The message my daughter got was divided, since it appeared that her Dad (really me) was doing stuff that showed he cared, and then in other ways he just didn't show up. She was - and is - very perceptive, and the discontinuity that she perceived led her to blame herself for his absence. It would have been far better for me to let the chips fall as he threw them, and let the truth be present than try to cushion her.
I came to believe that the truth is what it is, and it is not mine to meddle with. Shakespeare said it best: "True compassion is ruthless." We know, in our inner hearts, what the truth is, and children do too.
ShootingStar1
You have a mediated settlement, and I wouldn't advise you to be the one who breaches its provisions. You need to adhere to every one of its provisions, so that if you have to go back to Court, it is clear to the Judge that you will follow whatever legal agreement is made exactly as written.
As for Christmas, make it happy with and for your daughter as it is, without her father. That is all you have to offer. When my kids were young and I was divorcing their father, he didn't show up in the ways that I thought he should for my kids. I gave them presents with his name on them, intervened in little ways so it looked like he still cared about them.
I believe that backfired. The truth was that he put his own interests (not alcoholism or addiction) above theirs, and that was just the way he was. The message my daughter got was divided, since it appeared that her Dad (really me) was doing stuff that showed he cared, and then in other ways he just didn't show up. She was - and is - very perceptive, and the discontinuity that she perceived led her to blame herself for his absence. It would have been far better for me to let the chips fall as he threw them, and let the truth be present than try to cushion her.
I came to believe that the truth is what it is, and it is not mine to meddle with. Shakespeare said it best: "True compassion is ruthless." We know, in our inner hearts, what the truth is, and children do too.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry, Pookielou, that you and your DD are going through this. It's not your responsibility to ask him if he wants to follow the court order. He knows what he's supposed to do and it's his responsibility to actually do it. His failure to it isn't your fault and it doesn't take precedence over your healing. (He isn't more important than you are.)
AXH has only seen DS once in three years - at DS's grandfather's funeral. What I've had to keep in mind when dealing with AXH, is, if the shoe were on the other foot, and AXH had custody of DS:
If the court had determined that my behavior was detrimental to DS, I'd take steps to show them DS was important enough to me to try to change.
BTW, early in the custody arrangements in my case, it hadn't really sunk in. But it's important to understand: the court requiring supervised visits means that in their opinion, it's in your child's best interest for your AXH's visits to be supervised. Just because they made that determination, it doesn't mean that _you_ need to do all the work to make sure AXH sees your DD. It means HE has work to do.
Hugs to you and your DD.
AXH has only seen DS once in three years - at DS's grandfather's funeral. What I've had to keep in mind when dealing with AXH, is, if the shoe were on the other foot, and AXH had custody of DS:
- What would I be doing in order to make sure I got to see DS?: - EVERYTHING the court told me to do.
- Would I need reminders to see DS? - NO
- You can darn well bet that I'd have at LEAST one copy of the court orders with tick-marks next to what I needed to to do as I did them.
- I'd have a calendar set up with DS-DAYS circled and a count-down going.
- I wouldn't rely on anyone else to tell me what step I needed to take next. I'd know and I'd be working on it.
If the court had determined that my behavior was detrimental to DS, I'd take steps to show them DS was important enough to me to try to change.
BTW, early in the custody arrangements in my case, it hadn't really sunk in. But it's important to understand: the court requiring supervised visits means that in their opinion, it's in your child's best interest for your AXH's visits to be supervised. Just because they made that determination, it doesn't mean that _you_ need to do all the work to make sure AXH sees your DD. It means HE has work to do.
Hugs to you and your DD.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
What Lady, TU and anvil said-word for stinkin word. My ex is the same way....talks a lot but no action to back it up-just more blaming me. If your ex wants to be a parent, he will choose to be a parent. Period.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
pookie he's a selfish AH. Even if recovery was out of the question, he could still be a presence in his daughter's life with Skype or phone calls, but even that's too much effort.
My DIL has this problem with her ex, father of her eldest. It's like unless you make it exactly my way I won't do anything at all. Her daughter's father has the option of graduated contact with emails, supervised meetings etc but can't be bothered if it's not easy.
My DIL has this problem with her ex, father of her eldest. It's like unless you make it exactly my way I won't do anything at all. Her daughter's father has the option of graduated contact with emails, supervised meetings etc but can't be bothered if it's not easy.
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