New here. Need someone please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 1
New here. Need someone please.
I feel so alone. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have two children together, ages 4 and 1. He's an addict. His main issue is alcohol but he will also take any pills he can find like anxiety or pain pills. Our entire marriage has been up and down. The longest he stayed sober was a year. He's a very spiritual person but when he goes on these binges he turns into a monster. This recent binge as been the worst where now he yells in front of my son. Spends all the money on alcohol and pills and at a bar. He refused to leave every time it happened this week and I ended up taking the kids to a hotel to stay for two days. He said he was sober and he would never do it again but of course that was a lie. Didn't even make it a day. Now he says he's leaving us in the morning to go to a different state where his family lives and working at his old job. I read the texts where he told his boss here that he was quitting and I read the text from the guy in georgia saying he could start on Tuesday. So here I am a stay at home mom in college full time with two young children and he's saying he's leaving in the morning without telling them goodbye. There's a chance he could change his mind and tell his boss he was drunk and not go but I know my kids don't need this. What do I say to my 4 year old on why daddy left? He loves his dad! And where do I even start to get assistance for a divorce and medical insurance, etc. I feel so alone. I don't have any family that would help out either.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Oh honey, that's an awful situation and I can imagine how bad you're feeling right now. Is there anyone like a good friend you can talk this over with? How about the college you attend? They might have counsellors and social workers to help students when they're in trouble. Here are some thoughts:
- Just because he's geographically removing himself, you should still be entitled to financial support and his insurance. I'm not from the US but is there any reason why this wouldn't be the case?
- If he's not co-operating with you on money, consider speaking to his mother who will probably have her GC's welfare at heart.
- Take stock of what you do and don't have. Money? Car? Income? Rent? Write a list. What don't you have? How can you get it?
- Go online and seek out local resources. This might be free legal clinics, social services, Salvation Army or other charitable organisations. If you're a member of a church, there might be a welfare component.
- Talk to your college about deferment on hardship grounds if you think this is necessary.
- Seek legal advice on you and the children's entitlements, mainly for support.
I'm so sorry you've been put in this position, and if your AH is sober have a serious practical talk with him about where this places you and the children. You say he was drunk when he sent the texts so he may not have thought it through. If he's still determined to go, point out that he can't leave his obligations behind. Get him to talk to the children; why should you be the one doing the explaining.
I know this is hard right now but it might be a blessing in disguise, if you can make it through the worst part.
- Just because he's geographically removing himself, you should still be entitled to financial support and his insurance. I'm not from the US but is there any reason why this wouldn't be the case?
- If he's not co-operating with you on money, consider speaking to his mother who will probably have her GC's welfare at heart.
- Take stock of what you do and don't have. Money? Car? Income? Rent? Write a list. What don't you have? How can you get it?
- Go online and seek out local resources. This might be free legal clinics, social services, Salvation Army or other charitable organisations. If you're a member of a church, there might be a welfare component.
- Talk to your college about deferment on hardship grounds if you think this is necessary.
- Seek legal advice on you and the children's entitlements, mainly for support.
I'm so sorry you've been put in this position, and if your AH is sober have a serious practical talk with him about where this places you and the children. You say he was drunk when he sent the texts so he may not have thought it through. If he's still determined to go, point out that he can't leave his obligations behind. Get him to talk to the children; why should you be the one doing the explaining.
I know this is hard right now but it might be a blessing in disguise, if you can make it through the worst part.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome--I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. I know your head is spinning right now but try to keep breathing. Everything will work out OK for you and your kiddos, even if things are tough for a while.
FeelingGreat has some great suggestions for resources. I'd suggest one of your very first steps be to consult a lawyer. He is responsible for financial support for the kids (and possibly for you, too). Of course, given the downward spiral it's debatable how long he will remain employed at his new/old job, which is all the more reason to act while he still has an income.
Of course your son will be upset and confused. You can tell him that Daddy has an illness that makes him do things like yelling, and that you hope he will get better but for right now he's living someplace else. Over time, if his dad continues to drink and to be irresponsible, there are books that can help to explain alcoholism to kids, and you can get him some counseling that will help him to process it.
One of the best resources for your own emotional well-being is Al-Anon. I hope you will find a meeting and start going.
Hugs, I know how scary this must feel right now. But being a single mom is far less stressful than trying to raise children with an active alcoholic in the house. And the situation will be less damaging to the kids.
FeelingGreat has some great suggestions for resources. I'd suggest one of your very first steps be to consult a lawyer. He is responsible for financial support for the kids (and possibly for you, too). Of course, given the downward spiral it's debatable how long he will remain employed at his new/old job, which is all the more reason to act while he still has an income.
Of course your son will be upset and confused. You can tell him that Daddy has an illness that makes him do things like yelling, and that you hope he will get better but for right now he's living someplace else. Over time, if his dad continues to drink and to be irresponsible, there are books that can help to explain alcoholism to kids, and you can get him some counseling that will help him to process it.
One of the best resources for your own emotional well-being is Al-Anon. I hope you will find a meeting and start going.
Hugs, I know how scary this must feel right now. But being a single mom is far less stressful than trying to raise children with an active alcoholic in the house. And the situation will be less damaging to the kids.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think the suggestions by FeelingGreat are a wonderful place to start. I can tell you as a mom of a young child, that as terrible as it is now, it is far better that he is not in your presence will drinking/using. Just take a deep breath and one step at a time.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bthe27......Right now.....start a list of people/places/agencies to contact.....
That will get you jump-started.....Consider it a babystep on your journey through this difficult time......
suggestions: I assume you live in the United states.....contact the county social services and ask to speak to a social worker. There is probably a website for this...which lists the services.
2. Contact the local domestic violence center for your area....you will qualify on the basis of verbal abuse in front of the children....(abuse is abuse)......ask them for referrals to 1. a lawyer who handles these kinds of cases (see the lawyer to find out all of your rights and the rights of your children.
3. find your l ocal alanon and go to a meeting.....call them regarding child care during the meeting......
4. You can go to the website: "Woman'sDivorce.com"......there is a wealth of general information on all aspects of divorce, there. It is broken down by each state.
That , at least, is a starting point....the rest will unfold as you go along.....
The most important thing for you, right now....is the wiliness to search and ask for AND accept help. Millions of women have been in your exact shoes.....and, there is a way through this...... You will find out that you are not alone.....
You are going to have to switch to "survivor mode"..........
You will discover that y ou are much stronger and resourceful than you probably ever thought.....
Please keep posting here....there is a lot of experience on this forum......
dandylion
That will get you jump-started.....Consider it a babystep on your journey through this difficult time......
suggestions: I assume you live in the United states.....contact the county social services and ask to speak to a social worker. There is probably a website for this...which lists the services.
2. Contact the local domestic violence center for your area....you will qualify on the basis of verbal abuse in front of the children....(abuse is abuse)......ask them for referrals to 1. a lawyer who handles these kinds of cases (see the lawyer to find out all of your rights and the rights of your children.
3. find your l ocal alanon and go to a meeting.....call them regarding child care during the meeting......
4. You can go to the website: "Woman'sDivorce.com"......there is a wealth of general information on all aspects of divorce, there. It is broken down by each state.
That , at least, is a starting point....the rest will unfold as you go along.....
The most important thing for you, right now....is the wiliness to search and ask for AND accept help. Millions of women have been in your exact shoes.....and, there is a way through this...... You will find out that you are not alone.....
You are going to have to switch to "survivor mode"..........
You will discover that y ou are much stronger and resourceful than you probably ever thought.....
Please keep posting here....there is a lot of experience on this forum......
dandylion
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