First holiday with new situation
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I heard this from a 90 year old woman at my second ever Alanon meeting, and I heard it again today from an 85 year old woman, "I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. Now that I know better, I do better."
Just leaving wouldn't have been any guarantee of a different outcome. My mom "got rid of her problem" by leaving my dad, and never did anything to address her own issues, so the outcome was the same as if she'd stayed.
You were a good mom. Your children survived to adulthood with all or most of their major appendages attached, they were fed, clothed, educated and nurtured to the best of your ability and theirs, they are able to live independently and function in society. That's no mean feat. And no offense, but when I read your posts regarding your axh, he seems to have the basic maturity and mentality of a very young teenager, so I'm going to guess that you were essentially a "married single mom" dragging him along as an extra (albeit overgrown) kid and deserve most of the credit for that. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Now that you know better, you're doing better. Your kids have a long journey ahead of them, just like every young person, acoa or not. What would have helped me most (at anytime) is my mom getting into some form of recovery for her issues. You're now taking on that challenge, and it's a huge step. You might not be able to see how huge until you're looking back at this time later.
Just leaving wouldn't have been any guarantee of a different outcome. My mom "got rid of her problem" by leaving my dad, and never did anything to address her own issues, so the outcome was the same as if she'd stayed.
You were a good mom. Your children survived to adulthood with all or most of their major appendages attached, they were fed, clothed, educated and nurtured to the best of your ability and theirs, they are able to live independently and function in society. That's no mean feat. And no offense, but when I read your posts regarding your axh, he seems to have the basic maturity and mentality of a very young teenager, so I'm going to guess that you were essentially a "married single mom" dragging him along as an extra (albeit overgrown) kid and deserve most of the credit for that. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Now that you know better, you're doing better. Your kids have a long journey ahead of them, just like every young person, acoa or not. What would have helped me most (at anytime) is my mom getting into some form of recovery for her issues. You're now taking on that challenge, and it's a huge step. You might not be able to see how huge until you're looking back at this time later.
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