groundhog's day

Old 10-12-2015, 01:46 PM
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groundhog's day

Here we go again! Another move (this will be our 5th since we've been living together) and Mr. Wonderful is choosing to drink and hide in Vegas rather than participate. Once again, I am packing up a house all alone. Once again, I am deciding what comes and what goes. All while he misses flight after flight, shirking any responsibility, drinking and gambling away.

He knows that if he doesn't come through, somehow the people in his life with work to make it happen. To save him from the consequences. In years past, this person was me. But today, I am enjoying my beautiful day alone, without him. I have my clothes and belongings packed. What I am responsible for is done and ready to go. I am not protecting him from the consequences of his actions this time. I refuse to answer the phone to schedule movers on his behalf. I will not assure our real estate agent that we are ready to vacate. Nada, kids. If he doesn't call movers, pack his things, and sign the documents to get us into our new house, HE will be fined for failing to vacate the premises by the closing date. But guess what? That doesn't bother me one bit! I didn't want to move in the first place (love this house), and I don't care if I end up spending another WEEK here, at his expense.

I am putting on my crazy-person blinders and knowing that I've upheld my end. I am drawing my boundary and saying that I will not take over the responsibilities he cannot meet due to his drinking. And I will not feel bad/guilty/stressed about any of his choices anymore. This one affects him and him alone.
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Old 10-12-2015, 01:51 PM
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"our new house" - so even tho this has happened four or five times BEFORE, your plan is to move WITH HIM into a NEW place? might you want to rethink that a bit?
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Old 10-12-2015, 02:21 PM
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So what if he comes back, drunk or starts drinking, and gets physical like he did before when you stood up to him?

I have to say I'm with Anvil.
Your stuff is packed--why not move back in with your folks for awhile
and let Mr. Wonderful do his own thing.

No amount of money is worth this, is it Jeni?
In an earlier post you said you felt you wanted and deserved more.
I agree, you do deserve more than this. . .
A life partner you can trust for starters.

Hugs
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Old 10-12-2015, 02:22 PM
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You do realize it's Groundhog Day because YOU are allowing it to be? It took me a long time to realize not only did I cause a lot if the dysfunction I my marriage but that I allowed things to continue bc I stayed. It's only Groundhog Day if you allow it to be. You are fully capable of creating your own reality and making a decision where you can get off the crazy train and leave him to his own devices.
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:39 PM
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I agree: I haven't left him yet. I agree that money is not a good reason to stay in a failing relationship (I am finally legally financially protected, so this is a non-issue). I even agree that I have chosen to allow these circumstances to continue by staying. No arguments there. All I am saying is that, for the life I have today, I am not breaking apart. In fact, I feel pretty in control. He can be a screw up, and I don't feel like chasing him around, forcing him to behave the way I want. I see is a vast difference between the way things could have gone (or traditionally have gone) and the way that I am able to handle them today.

My scheduled obligations end in the first week of December. I will re-evaluate things then.
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:54 PM
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Jenni, I'm really interested in how your new attitude will affect him and you. Putting aside the leaving him question, I'm wondering whether you told him you wouldn't be doing his work before he chose to leave, and he's now testing your boundary?
How would it have gone over if you had just refused to leave a house you're happy in? Moving house is so stressful it can't be good for you to have done it 5 times with him, especially if he ducks the hard work.
Congratulations for separating your financial affairs; you won't regret it.
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:58 PM
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^^ understood. What about you? I know you say you can handle him, but what about your needs? Are they being met? Why do you stay with someone that says the right things but then destroys it with his drunk actions and irresponsibility?! (I am not trying to be harsh-just asking bc these questions are what I asked myself and really got to the bottom of me and what I needed to focus on). Peace!
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:29 PM
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FeelingGreat:
No, I hadn't forewarned him. Didn't think I would need to as he planned to be home yesterday (his active addiction obviously interrupted that plan). I let him know today that he has unfinished business here with the move and needs to address it, or face the consequences, as I would not be taking over his responsibilities. He seems unconcerned, as of now. Out at his poker game, too drunk to drive home and likely too far into his bender to sober up and get his act together. He's not testing boundaries--he's too busy being a slave to the bottle.

Forourgirls, I am actually the happiest I have been in years...but no, I am not fulfilled by him. Most days, I don't even like him. A lot of that is resentment toward the fact that his relapse has ended our attempts to start a family (rightfully so), which is devastating to me. I stay because I am afraid that what my life will be like without him is worse than the mediocrity that it is with him. And, the classic fear that he will eventually sober up and live the life we had planned with someone else. Irrational, but very real fears.

And, now the tears start. I was so good all day...
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:43 PM
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Oh sweetie-I'm sorry. I understand , truly, I do. I loved my husband so much-but the last few years of our marriage we went completely opposite directions-I did everything I could do to focus on me and the kids and get better-be a good and happy person again-and he got worse and worse. Even on the worst days I tried abd tried and continued to believe his words and accept his applogies. The more he drank over the years the more codependent and crazy I got-it was destined to fail without us both getting help and he chose not to. But that doesn't mean YOU should give up on living a healthy loving life-meaning giving yourself the respect and love you deserve and not relying on an addict-bc they cannot do that. They always sat fear is what holds us back. Why don't addicts choose sobriety? Fear. Fear of dealing with their issues, fear of the truth or fear of living without alcohol-I don't know. Why don't we choose recovery? Fear-and your fears are totally valid. I was afraid to stand up and say, many many years ago, it's alcohol or me-and the reason I was afraid was because I knew in my heart I would lose him if I told him to choose, so I stuck it out and thought maybe I could change his heart; I knew our love was special so of course he would never keep drinking if he knew how much he hurt me. Pfft. Typical Codie. Addiction doesn't work that way. It takes their hearts. I finally did confront my fear and he did choose to keep drinking-over me, his kids, over himself. Hun-I know you're "okay with things" but I really urge you (out of love) to think about whether he can be a partner to you-a real partner-the way he is now. Btw, re kids-my ex started spiraling slowly after our first was born-started getting drunk by himself at home and hiding it. After our second was born it was full on severe addiction. Please reconsider having kids with this man-I can promise you, as can others, it will only get worse, much worse.
Anyway, sorry for the long reply-your tears caused me some tears and deep introspection.
Peace to you and I'm so sorry for your pain. Have a blessed night.
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:04 PM
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is it ok to ask, what outcome are you hoping for?

5 moves in how many years? you have to be exhausted.

what I hear in your post is his lack of participation / lack of responsibility is going to cost him$$$$$$$$.

But how does that help you?

Putting a dollar figure on his addiction, ( as in , any additional out of pocket expense) won't cure him or offer you security, or change this situation .

sending you strength, and hoping December comes soon for you.
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Jenibean87 View Post
FeelingGreat:
No, I hadn't forewarned him. Didn't think I would need to as he planned to be home yesterday (his active addiction obviously interrupted that plan).
Jenni his behaviour is egregious and outrageous. You have little to fear about life being worse if you ever decided enough is enough.

IMO depression often comes from powerlessness. If you take back some power, you might feel better (and you've started already).
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Old 10-13-2015, 05:53 AM
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Hi Jeni;
I hope things work out for you personally.
It sounds like he really is back in full-blown addiction.
and not having to worry about making a living just allows him to keep it going longer.

I want you to know I support you in whatever choice you make at this time
It's progress that you aren't "fixing" the moving for him and I agree with FG,
this is a good start at taking your power back in a tough situation.
I meant no judgement in my earlier post
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Old 10-13-2015, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Jenibean87 View Post
FeelingGreat:
And, now the tears start. I was so good all day...
Dear Jeni-

I just wanted to let you know that I made huge strides in getting better when I let myself feel and did not try to "keep up appearances."

For me this was less a reaction to my loved one's addiction and more a sign that I was healing my own.

Stuffing those feelings down just made it worse for me. Feeling like I failed when I cried made it worse for me.

Be good to you, you are already doing so many great things.
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