Difficult Day
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Difficult Day
I posted something similar on another thread, but decided to start a new thread because I am really struggling. So much so that I screamed my head off in my car this morning to let out all the anger so that I wouldn't do it at someone else.
It's been almost 4 weeks since the blow up and subsequent death of my relationship with my A boyfriend. I feel like something in me has died. The betrayal is so intense at times I wonder if I will ever be able to trust someone again or ever date again. I feel like he has danced off into the sunset and left me to sweep up the pieces of my life that he wreaked havoc on.
My emotions are constantly all over the place from missing and loving him, to resenting and hating him, to then feeling guilty and remorseful for not being more understanding of his "problem", until I then again remember how little remorse he presumably feels about what he did to me and how he threatened me and said I was the problem and that I am crazy. He no longer cares that I exist, why do I care that he exists. He has lost everything - job, house, me, his sanity. I have a fantastic career, daughter, family, friends, building my dream home. Yet, he treats me as if I am the one who was the problem and that I have lost in this situation.
I especially despise his manipulative mother who kept me wrapped up in the situation for much longer than I should've allowed and then turned on me ON A DIME when I refused to continue enabling or when I wouldn't just crawl away quietly after he lashed out at me. She said I was threatening his stupid non-existent joke of a sobriety. I have to stop being so open to people and trying to help.
It's been almost 4 weeks since the blow up and subsequent death of my relationship with my A boyfriend. I feel like something in me has died. The betrayal is so intense at times I wonder if I will ever be able to trust someone again or ever date again. I feel like he has danced off into the sunset and left me to sweep up the pieces of my life that he wreaked havoc on.
My emotions are constantly all over the place from missing and loving him, to resenting and hating him, to then feeling guilty and remorseful for not being more understanding of his "problem", until I then again remember how little remorse he presumably feels about what he did to me and how he threatened me and said I was the problem and that I am crazy. He no longer cares that I exist, why do I care that he exists. He has lost everything - job, house, me, his sanity. I have a fantastic career, daughter, family, friends, building my dream home. Yet, he treats me as if I am the one who was the problem and that I have lost in this situation.
I especially despise his manipulative mother who kept me wrapped up in the situation for much longer than I should've allowed and then turned on me ON A DIME when I refused to continue enabling or when I wouldn't just crawl away quietly after he lashed out at me. She said I was threatening his stupid non-existent joke of a sobriety. I have to stop being so open to people and trying to help.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The weekend is near.
Why not take this opportunity to experience something new ? There is a whole wide world to explore, and folks are out there living a normal life free of addiction, why not go grab yourself a little slice of it?
I understand emotions all over the board, it drives a person batty for sure. So consuming, and exhausting, maybe just for one day, give yourself a break, you may be pleasantly surprised what a change of scenery, or meeting up with a friend to shop or have lunch can do for your frame of mind. Take a drive, do anything to try and restore some peace to your life.
I'm rooting for you, you just have to get over this hump, and brighter days are ahead.
Why not take this opportunity to experience something new ? There is a whole wide world to explore, and folks are out there living a normal life free of addiction, why not go grab yourself a little slice of it?
I understand emotions all over the board, it drives a person batty for sure. So consuming, and exhausting, maybe just for one day, give yourself a break, you may be pleasantly surprised what a change of scenery, or meeting up with a friend to shop or have lunch can do for your frame of mind. Take a drive, do anything to try and restore some peace to your life.
I'm rooting for you, you just have to get over this hump, and brighter days are ahead.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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some people blow through our lives like cat 5 hurricanes.....and it takes a while for the dust to settle and to pick thru the wreckage. but we learn to BEND and not BREAK.
i agree that doing something new and out of the box this weekend could be just what the doctor ordered! to help you see how much of life is right there waiting for you to be discovered and explored.
i agree that doing something new and out of the box this weekend could be just what the doctor ordered! to help you see how much of life is right there waiting for you to be discovered and explored.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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There is a quote from the Big Book that I often contemplate when my emotions are running high:
"Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
I used to hate this quote because I was so focused on FIXING the external factors I could not accept that I would wind myself up into a frenzy. Why would I accept what I was POSITIVE I could change? As time passed and I gained some distance and perspective from my relationship with my XABF, I realized just how much my thinking and behavior had been affected by being involved with an alcoholic, and how much expectation I had placed on someone else to make me happy. Once I could let go of the need to change others or the past in order to find peace and contentment, I was well on my way to recovery.
"Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
I used to hate this quote because I was so focused on FIXING the external factors I could not accept that I would wind myself up into a frenzy. Why would I accept what I was POSITIVE I could change? As time passed and I gained some distance and perspective from my relationship with my XABF, I realized just how much my thinking and behavior had been affected by being involved with an alcoholic, and how much expectation I had placed on someone else to make me happy. Once I could let go of the need to change others or the past in order to find peace and contentment, I was well on my way to recovery.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
some people blow through our lives like cat 5 hurricanes.....and it takes a while for the dust to settle and to pick thru the wreckage. but we learn to BEND and not BREAK.
i agree that doing something new and out of the box this weekend could be just what the doctor ordered! to help you see how much of life is right there waiting for you to be discovered and explored.
i agree that doing something new and out of the box this weekend could be just what the doctor ordered! to help you see how much of life is right there waiting for you to be discovered and explored.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
Hello Amharter,
You aren't one of his Dickens' Christmas Ghosts. You'll get a lot more out of spending your energy on what you can control - you.
Peace,
You aren't one of his Dickens' Christmas Ghosts. You'll get a lot more out of spending your energy on what you can control - you.
Peace,
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I'm just sick with nausea thinking about him and the supposed "girlfriend" dancing into the sunset. The "girlfriend" who appeared out of nowhere and someone he wouldn't normally touch with a 10-foot pole or be seen with. :-((((
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Well, your anger is certainly coming through here..... lol. 
I understand because I can't count the number of times I've locked myself in a closet or a car & screamed until my ears rang. Scream therapy is excellent IMO.
On one hand, anger can be highly motivating when you can manage to funnel that energy into positive changes.
OTOH - Anger that you express in fury through keeping your resentments alive? It can really backfire & burn you.
If it were me, I'd go searching through the archives of this forum with keyword searches "anger" or "resentments" or whatever & see what collective wisdom is out there.... it comes up a LOT & there are all kinds of threads to read. Some will resonate for you more than others, but it's a great starting place to help straighten out what you're feeling and separate the emotions/logical thinking.
I understand because I can't count the number of times I've locked myself in a closet or a car & screamed until my ears rang. Scream therapy is excellent IMO.
On one hand, anger can be highly motivating when you can manage to funnel that energy into positive changes.
OTOH - Anger that you express in fury through keeping your resentments alive? It can really backfire & burn you.
If it were me, I'd go searching through the archives of this forum with keyword searches "anger" or "resentments" or whatever & see what collective wisdom is out there.... it comes up a LOT & there are all kinds of threads to read. Some will resonate for you more than others, but it's a great starting place to help straighten out what you're feeling and separate the emotions/logical thinking.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Write it ...... just don't send it to him. GET IT OUT (of your system)! Send it to yourself & then delete, delete, delete!
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UGH!!! This person that I loved more than I've ever loved another man. The perfect yin to my yang. And instead he fell apart and ran away and chose to wallow in his problems instead of choosing a healthy life and LOVE!
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Write it ...... just don't send it to him. GET IT OUT (of your system)! Send it to yourself & then delete, delete, delete!
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Well, your anger is certainly coming through here..... lol.
I understand because I can't count the number of times I've locked myself in a closet or a car & screamed until my ears rang. Scream therapy is excellent IMO.
On one hand, anger can be highly motivating when you can manage to funnel that energy into positive changes.
OTOH - Anger that you express in fury through keeping your resentments alive? It can really backfire & burn you.
If it were me, I'd go searching through the archives of this forum with keyword searches "anger" or "resentments" or whatever & see what collective wisdom is out there.... it comes up a LOT & there are all kinds of threads to read. Some will resonate for you more than others, but it's a great starting place to help straighten out what you're feeling and separate the emotions/logical thinking.
I understand because I can't count the number of times I've locked myself in a closet or a car & screamed until my ears rang. Scream therapy is excellent IMO.
On one hand, anger can be highly motivating when you can manage to funnel that energy into positive changes.
OTOH - Anger that you express in fury through keeping your resentments alive? It can really backfire & burn you.
If it were me, I'd go searching through the archives of this forum with keyword searches "anger" or "resentments" or whatever & see what collective wisdom is out there.... it comes up a LOT & there are all kinds of threads to read. Some will resonate for you more than others, but it's a great starting place to help straighten out what you're feeling and separate the emotions/logical thinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You write him a letter and send it, you're only going to feel worse - promise!
I agree - do something awesome this weekend - sign up for a kickboxing class, get yourself an adult coloring book - do something different for YOU.
I agree - do something awesome this weekend - sign up for a kickboxing class, get yourself an adult coloring book - do something different for YOU.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I don't feel like he had the right to blow through my life like that and damage it.
yes his actions are cruel, and unacceptable, but in hanging on to that type of rationale will keep you prisoner in your own mind.
he has shown you his level of character, and it's my hunch that if he would have shown you that the first time you met, you would have ran in the opposite direction.
So why is today any different?
I get that you have memories and a past together, but yesterday is gone, can't ever get it back, and the guy he used to be , well he's not that guy any longer either.
It is sad, but in time, you will come to accept and understand how very lucky you are. You dodged a huge bullet here, alcoholics DO NOT make good life partners, nothing but heartache, grief, and dispair.
Hope you take a few minutes and read around the forum, read some of the lifetime testimonials of what people have endured, and knowing what they know now after 25 years, how they wish they would have done things differently.
yes his actions are cruel, and unacceptable, but in hanging on to that type of rationale will keep you prisoner in your own mind.
he has shown you his level of character, and it's my hunch that if he would have shown you that the first time you met, you would have ran in the opposite direction.
So why is today any different?
I get that you have memories and a past together, but yesterday is gone, can't ever get it back, and the guy he used to be , well he's not that guy any longer either.
It is sad, but in time, you will come to accept and understand how very lucky you are. You dodged a huge bullet here, alcoholics DO NOT make good life partners, nothing but heartache, grief, and dispair.
Hope you take a few minutes and read around the forum, read some of the lifetime testimonials of what people have endured, and knowing what they know now after 25 years, how they wish they would have done things differently.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I agree with the letter/email. Just pour it out but don't send it to him. I've been known to burn that stuff. Fire is quite cleansing.
Here's the thing. He didn't choose love and healing. That pretty much upends him from his position next to you on that wedding cake you were planning. So much for Mr. Perfect.
Best thing you can do is figure out why you THOUGHT he was perfect. Why you though he was truly your match.
Because girl, I can collect emotionally detached brilliant men all darn day. I could collect them like pandora charms if I wanted.
Many of these guys wind up addicted to something. And I think i can fix that too. 
Here's the thing. He didn't choose love and healing. That pretty much upends him from his position next to you on that wedding cake you were planning. So much for Mr. Perfect.
Best thing you can do is figure out why you THOUGHT he was perfect. Why you though he was truly your match.Because girl, I can collect emotionally detached brilliant men all darn day. I could collect them like pandora charms if I wanted.
Many of these guys wind up addicted to something. And I think i can fix that too. Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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considering you threatened him with a cease and desist order or the like, i'd strongly urge you NOT to send him anything.
yes you are mad. yes it didn't end well. but that's just how it is. unless he did anything criminal - such as theft, cashed in your 401k, made off with grannie's wedding ring - the fallout is just the emotional crash you are experiencing. i'd say it's quite possible he was never the guy you THOUGHT he was, and that this woman probably didn't not just materialize out of the vapor. it's quite possible you are now seeing the real him, or the real-er version.
which means he never was THE ONE. he was just practice and experience.
chose to wallow in his problems instead of choosing a healthy life and LOVE!
and that was absolutely HIS choice to make. that's why it's called choice. he just didn't make the choice YOU wanted for him. he followed his own path.
yes you are mad. yes it didn't end well. but that's just how it is. unless he did anything criminal - such as theft, cashed in your 401k, made off with grannie's wedding ring - the fallout is just the emotional crash you are experiencing. i'd say it's quite possible he was never the guy you THOUGHT he was, and that this woman probably didn't not just materialize out of the vapor. it's quite possible you are now seeing the real him, or the real-er version.
which means he never was THE ONE. he was just practice and experience.
chose to wallow in his problems instead of choosing a healthy life and LOVE!
and that was absolutely HIS choice to make. that's why it's called choice. he just didn't make the choice YOU wanted for him. he followed his own path.
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