How Did I Get Here
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
How Did I Get Here
I found this forum while researching high functioning alcoholics and have spent days reading and re-reading the stickies and the posts. I am in tears as I finally have the courage to post my what I now see is a very common story.
I was married to a great man for over a decade and have 3 amazing kids. That marriage ended, very civilly and lovingly, and we have a successful coparenting relationship.
Right after my divorce I felt young and fun and free and excited about the next chapter of my life. I immediately met the most amazing man. It was like fate - we had so much in common, fell hard and fast in love, and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have met this man. He was funny, kind, generous, fun, successful, treated my kids like his own. Once the infatuation phase cooled a little - two red flags immediately stood out. He drinks too much and when he gets upset/stressed, he shuts down. Like won't communicate with me, doesn't like talking about problems or conflict, avoids it until it blows over. I figured hey, no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, so I just moved on and continued to enjoy this fantasy relationship. Without going into more boring details, fast forward 2 years. He drinks every single night after work, weekends or special events he starts in the morning. He always has a drink in the car cup holder. Basically if he's not working, he's drinking. But he is very very high functioning. He's a prominent politician, very well known and respected in the community, everyone loves him, life of the party. Nobody has a clue that he drinks as much as he does. Anyway, I left him 2 weeks ago. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Over the course of the relationship I started to lose my self confidence. I got insecure, almost needy, full of anxiety. I was walking on eggshells often, wondering when the next "stress event" was going to cause his shut down. I was always trying to shield his need to have a beer in his hand from my kids, always cleaning up the recycling bin before my son took it out for collection. I looked in the mirror a few weeks back as I was secretly crying and decided I had to save myself and protect my kids. I am a successful patent attorney, always confident at work, have great friends, great kids, a wonderful home, three graduate degrees. Everyone always comments on my strength and independence and courage. And here I was, in an unhealthy relationship, wondering what the heck happened to me. I couldn't do it anymore. So that's it. And although I read a million posts and stories and studies and know it's for the best, I am devastated. I keep thinking about the good times, the trips, the outings, the love letters, the connection. And then i start to doubt everything - was it me? Did I leave prematurely? What if I never find someone I feel this way about, what if I'm alone forever, what if he gets sober and get therapy for his other issues and then another girl benefits, whay if he really didn't drink that much, what if what if what if. It also doesn't help that I can't tell any friends or family what happened because one I'm embarrassed and two, he's a prominent figure and I would never want to do that to his career. So instead, I'm telling people we just decided to go our seperate ways and I'm getting the whole, are you kidding, you two were so in love and he was so amazing, etc etc.
Anyway, please, I'm just looking for any type of hope that I did the right thing and that the pain gets better.
Thank you,
Sleepless in Saracuse
I was married to a great man for over a decade and have 3 amazing kids. That marriage ended, very civilly and lovingly, and we have a successful coparenting relationship.
Right after my divorce I felt young and fun and free and excited about the next chapter of my life. I immediately met the most amazing man. It was like fate - we had so much in common, fell hard and fast in love, and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have met this man. He was funny, kind, generous, fun, successful, treated my kids like his own. Once the infatuation phase cooled a little - two red flags immediately stood out. He drinks too much and when he gets upset/stressed, he shuts down. Like won't communicate with me, doesn't like talking about problems or conflict, avoids it until it blows over. I figured hey, no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, so I just moved on and continued to enjoy this fantasy relationship. Without going into more boring details, fast forward 2 years. He drinks every single night after work, weekends or special events he starts in the morning. He always has a drink in the car cup holder. Basically if he's not working, he's drinking. But he is very very high functioning. He's a prominent politician, very well known and respected in the community, everyone loves him, life of the party. Nobody has a clue that he drinks as much as he does. Anyway, I left him 2 weeks ago. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Over the course of the relationship I started to lose my self confidence. I got insecure, almost needy, full of anxiety. I was walking on eggshells often, wondering when the next "stress event" was going to cause his shut down. I was always trying to shield his need to have a beer in his hand from my kids, always cleaning up the recycling bin before my son took it out for collection. I looked in the mirror a few weeks back as I was secretly crying and decided I had to save myself and protect my kids. I am a successful patent attorney, always confident at work, have great friends, great kids, a wonderful home, three graduate degrees. Everyone always comments on my strength and independence and courage. And here I was, in an unhealthy relationship, wondering what the heck happened to me. I couldn't do it anymore. So that's it. And although I read a million posts and stories and studies and know it's for the best, I am devastated. I keep thinking about the good times, the trips, the outings, the love letters, the connection. And then i start to doubt everything - was it me? Did I leave prematurely? What if I never find someone I feel this way about, what if I'm alone forever, what if he gets sober and get therapy for his other issues and then another girl benefits, whay if he really didn't drink that much, what if what if what if. It also doesn't help that I can't tell any friends or family what happened because one I'm embarrassed and two, he's a prominent figure and I would never want to do that to his career. So instead, I'm telling people we just decided to go our seperate ways and I'm getting the whole, are you kidding, you two were so in love and he was so amazing, etc etc.
Anyway, please, I'm just looking for any type of hope that I did the right thing and that the pain gets better.
Thank you,
Sleepless in Saracuse
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
((HUGS)) I am so very sorry for what brings you here.
Our stories are similar, although the end of my first marriage was a nightmare and only recently have my ex-husband and I arrived at a place of great communication. And I ended up marrying my "most amazing man" that I started seeing right after the split. And we had a son. I left 5 weeks ago, after 6 years of marriage and 7 years together.
Let me assure you, without a single doubt, that you absolutely did the right thing. I practiced law in Chicago for awhile, and a prominent female attorney who held several leadership positions in the bar associations would talk openly about her years with an alcoholic husband. In my case, it absolutely changed who I was and how I acted. And while I have zero control over my AH and how he chooses to live, I was finally able to break free and exercise some control over my OWN life, and make the choices I need and want to make for myself and my children.
I can also assure you that things WOULD have gotten worse (and WILL get worse...you just won't be around to be dragged into it). When I first found SR, I wanted to believe that I was different, and my AH was different. Terminal uniqueness. No special snowflakes here. I got just as crazy as everyone gets when they are in a relationship with an addict. My AH continued to deteriorate. We spent YEARS where my AH was ALWAYS the most important person in the family. My daughters no longer came out of their bedroom. Our son began repeating some very unhealthy behaviors.
As for the future, try not to worry too much. I worry about not finding someone, but I would much rather be alone for the next 50 years than live the way I was living (and the way I was making my children live). And if my AH sobered up and found someone else, well...good for him (and her). That will only benefit our son, and frankly, too much damage has been done to our relationship anyway.
I understand why you don't want to trumpet the reasons for the split far and wide, but as you work on yourself and your own recovery, hopefully the shame will start to dissipate and you can share the basics of the experience with those closest to you. It doesn't have to be about trying to wreck someone's career...it's about acknowledging your truth and getting some much-needed support for it. I hid things in shame and silence for a long time, too, and it was a HUGE part of my own sickness.
I hope you continue to find hope and comfort here. Welcome.
Our stories are similar, although the end of my first marriage was a nightmare and only recently have my ex-husband and I arrived at a place of great communication. And I ended up marrying my "most amazing man" that I started seeing right after the split. And we had a son. I left 5 weeks ago, after 6 years of marriage and 7 years together.
Let me assure you, without a single doubt, that you absolutely did the right thing. I practiced law in Chicago for awhile, and a prominent female attorney who held several leadership positions in the bar associations would talk openly about her years with an alcoholic husband. In my case, it absolutely changed who I was and how I acted. And while I have zero control over my AH and how he chooses to live, I was finally able to break free and exercise some control over my OWN life, and make the choices I need and want to make for myself and my children.
I can also assure you that things WOULD have gotten worse (and WILL get worse...you just won't be around to be dragged into it). When I first found SR, I wanted to believe that I was different, and my AH was different. Terminal uniqueness. No special snowflakes here. I got just as crazy as everyone gets when they are in a relationship with an addict. My AH continued to deteriorate. We spent YEARS where my AH was ALWAYS the most important person in the family. My daughters no longer came out of their bedroom. Our son began repeating some very unhealthy behaviors.
As for the future, try not to worry too much. I worry about not finding someone, but I would much rather be alone for the next 50 years than live the way I was living (and the way I was making my children live). And if my AH sobered up and found someone else, well...good for him (and her). That will only benefit our son, and frankly, too much damage has been done to our relationship anyway.
I understand why you don't want to trumpet the reasons for the split far and wide, but as you work on yourself and your own recovery, hopefully the shame will start to dissipate and you can share the basics of the experience with those closest to you. It doesn't have to be about trying to wreck someone's career...it's about acknowledging your truth and getting some much-needed support for it. I hid things in shame and silence for a long time, too, and it was a HUGE part of my own sickness.
I hope you continue to find hope and comfort here. Welcome.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yes-please please please do not have shame over this-that is what happens in alcoholic families-you're not supposed to tell the truth or talk about things-the elephant in the room. I pray you get the support you need. I've btdt...we are not special-like W said, we all got just as crazy as the next one married to an alcoholic/addict. And our alcoholics are not special-as much as we wanted them to be and more than that, as much as they think they are. Big hugs. Peace to you today!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Gemlitigate,
Welcome to SR! You sound a little confused how your career has you showcasing how independent and capable you are; yet, with this second partner you really got bogged down in a bit of codependency. I was able to work through this with a counselor. I found it really helpful to have an objective person to vent and rehash as my friends were kind of SICK of it...
I'm also a fan of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You may be skimming through it and all of a sudden a whole chapter might be just written about you. It's worth a read.
Be well!
Welcome to SR! You sound a little confused how your career has you showcasing how independent and capable you are; yet, with this second partner you really got bogged down in a bit of codependency. I was able to work through this with a counselor. I found it really helpful to have an objective person to vent and rehash as my friends were kind of SICK of it...
I'm also a fan of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You may be skimming through it and all of a sudden a whole chapter might be just written about you. It's worth a read.
Be well!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
Thank you so much for the responses. It really, really helps. I have already downloaded CoDependent No More and made an appointment with a therapist, although it isn't until late next week.
I completely agree that in my career and almost every aspect of my life I am strong and independent but with this relationship I became completely codependent - as well as needy, clingy, anxious, whatever the opposite of self confident is, and began to question my judgment and sanity.
Wow writing all that out really showcases what a mess I am and how much work and self reflection I need to do.
I completely agree that in my career and almost every aspect of my life I am strong and independent but with this relationship I became completely codependent - as well as needy, clingy, anxious, whatever the opposite of self confident is, and began to question my judgment and sanity.
Wow writing all that out really showcases what a mess I am and how much work and self reflection I need to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ I'm pretty certain all of us, spouses if alcoholics, have questioned our sanity quite a few times. You do feel crazy living with it. Once you're out, you get to experience peace. Wishing you peace and love. You're on your way to healing. He is on his own.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
Thank you so much forourgirls.
Luckily, thankfully I never married him. We talked about moving in together and getting engaged but something was just off. It's like I knew the relationship wasn't healthy but still I stayed, and denied, and excused. Until I didn't.
Wishing you peace as well.
Luckily, thankfully I never married him. We talked about moving in together and getting engaged but something was just off. It's like I knew the relationship wasn't healthy but still I stayed, and denied, and excused. Until I didn't.
Wishing you peace as well.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Costa Mesa, California
Posts: 35
i feel i need to leave my boyfriend of 2 years. i have been told by my friends and family he is a functioning alcoholic. he is almost 50yrs old. he will not change, ive been told. but i wonder what if he does! i was sober 9 months before i met him. he has dragged me into his bar lifestyle and sucked the life out of me. i am an alcoholic because i want to be with him. i know its wrong to blame him, but losing him is the only things stopping be from quitting. i have gained 15lbs, look horrible all the time, have no desire for anything, failing at my job. even my dog suffers. i dont remember the last weekend that i wasnt crying over some drunken fight we had. he is verbally abusive and tells me its because i make him angry. im a sad depressed drunk. why do i want to stay with him?!!! its the "what ifs". last saturday i only drank a little at lunch. he continued to drink until 1 am!! we hung out at his apartment to watch movies and netflix for the afternoon and evening and he had to continue to have a beer in his hand non-stop! i was drinking water and saw from my somewhat sober eyes how annoying he is when he is drunk. im not happy with him and afraid i will be more unhappy without him. and of course, i dont want him with anyone else, but she will probably be a drunk too. so i wish i didnt care and wish i could leave him like you did.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It also doesn't help that I can't tell any friends or family what happened because one I'm embarrassed and two, he's a prominent figure and I would never want to do that to his career.
THIS ^^^. First of all there is nothing for you to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Really, there is nothing for him to be ashamed about in the fact that he has a drinking problem - there might be shame and embarrassment associated with his actions, or decision not to do anything about it, but the addiction is not shameful. That's one of the bigger issues in treating addiction is the "shame" associated with it, and why people choose to hide it.
I am curious, if he was a "prominent" figure would you choose to say nothing about why you broke up? its not that you have to, but it sounds like you would like to discuss this with friends and family rather than deal with the looks of shock and comments like "but you were so in love". I doubt that you have the power to end his career, nor is it honorable to "respect" his career, his life, his opinion, etc over your own feelings - its codependent thinking and behavior. Additionally you aren't the only one who knows he is an alcoholic, or has a drinking problem. We codies spend so much time trying to cover things up only in the end to find out that everyone already knew. This may not include the details of his withdrawal emotionally, or what you had to handle if he got drunk - but I assure you you aren't the only one who has ever noticed he always has a beer in hand.
There is a new book out by Patrick Kennedy, son of Ted Kennedy, called "A Common Struggle". He details his own addiction issues, and how his family covered up not only his addiction and mental issues, but also those of his siblings and mother. He speaks at length about "the big secret" contributing to the lack of care for addicts and mental health in our Country. Might be worth a read.
Certainly you DON"T have to discuss this with anyone, but you can if you want to and shouldn't feel bad about it. "Prominent Figure" is just a regular dude with a serious problem like every other A, and good on you for getting out,.
THIS ^^^. First of all there is nothing for you to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Really, there is nothing for him to be ashamed about in the fact that he has a drinking problem - there might be shame and embarrassment associated with his actions, or decision not to do anything about it, but the addiction is not shameful. That's one of the bigger issues in treating addiction is the "shame" associated with it, and why people choose to hide it.
I am curious, if he was a "prominent" figure would you choose to say nothing about why you broke up? its not that you have to, but it sounds like you would like to discuss this with friends and family rather than deal with the looks of shock and comments like "but you were so in love". I doubt that you have the power to end his career, nor is it honorable to "respect" his career, his life, his opinion, etc over your own feelings - its codependent thinking and behavior. Additionally you aren't the only one who knows he is an alcoholic, or has a drinking problem. We codies spend so much time trying to cover things up only in the end to find out that everyone already knew. This may not include the details of his withdrawal emotionally, or what you had to handle if he got drunk - but I assure you you aren't the only one who has ever noticed he always has a beer in hand.
There is a new book out by Patrick Kennedy, son of Ted Kennedy, called "A Common Struggle". He details his own addiction issues, and how his family covered up not only his addiction and mental issues, but also those of his siblings and mother. He speaks at length about "the big secret" contributing to the lack of care for addicts and mental health in our Country. Might be worth a read.
Certainly you DON"T have to discuss this with anyone, but you can if you want to and shouldn't feel bad about it. "Prominent Figure" is just a regular dude with a serious problem like every other A, and good on you for getting out,.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Emil, you couldn't wait around on the off-chance that he would spontaneously recover, especially as your post didn't say anything about him understanding he has a problem.
Your story reminds me of a talented charismatic local politician here, who was in one mini-scandal after another, but seemed bullet proof. Then everything fell in on his head when he was seen drink driving and side-swiping a series of cars. Only when his reputation was gone did he book into a treatment facility for problems that were obvious to everyone else. Your EXBF may also reach his limit if he doesn't seek help.
Your story reminds me of a talented charismatic local politician here, who was in one mini-scandal after another, but seemed bullet proof. Then everything fell in on his head when he was seen drink driving and side-swiping a series of cars. Only when his reputation was gone did he book into a treatment facility for problems that were obvious to everyone else. Your EXBF may also reach his limit if he doesn't seek help.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Gemlitigate
My initial reaction when reading your opening post was "smart girl." I must confess a little envy for your intellect, which led you out of this relatively quickly.
I also, as usual, have gleaned something helpful from your post. I didn't realize until now that I have been burdened with shame since separating from my partner. This is probably mentioned on this site and in my AlAnon program, but until n ow I have failed to see it.
Best of luck to you in your recovery!
My initial reaction when reading your opening post was "smart girl." I must confess a little envy for your intellect, which led you out of this relatively quickly.
I also, as usual, have gleaned something helpful from your post. I didn't realize until now that I have been burdened with shame since separating from my partner. This is probably mentioned on this site and in my AlAnon program, but until n ow I have failed to see it.
Best of luck to you in your recovery!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Gemlitigate 
Can't. Stop. Crying.
That is all. :-(
That is all. :-(
If you become too depressed or distressed do find some counselling or medical help to get you over the bump.
All the best brave one.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think it’s normal when a relationship ends to question ourselves. Ask ourselves all of those what if’s.
Your gut/instincts where telling you something was not right, something was making YOU feel about yourself and the person you were becoming from a relationship with an alcoholic………always, always always listen to that inner voice.
And it’s great you listened to that inner voice and found your strength even with all of those fears rolling around in your head – being alone, etc……..you did the right thing for you and for your children.
I also think you are taking the high road in expressing to people that you both decided to go your separate ways. If his drinking continues, they will all see it for themselves anyway.
Living a life walking on egg-shells, hiding the truth from children by having to pick through the recycling bin is no way to live!! Anxious for when the next stress event will happen – is no way to live. All of these things are what you need to write down, print out and have available to read when your feelings begin to go in the missing, questioning direction.
You absolutely made the right decision for yourself!!!!!
((hugs))
Your gut/instincts where telling you something was not right, something was making YOU feel about yourself and the person you were becoming from a relationship with an alcoholic………always, always always listen to that inner voice.
And it’s great you listened to that inner voice and found your strength even with all of those fears rolling around in your head – being alone, etc……..you did the right thing for you and for your children.
I also think you are taking the high road in expressing to people that you both decided to go your separate ways. If his drinking continues, they will all see it for themselves anyway.
Living a life walking on egg-shells, hiding the truth from children by having to pick through the recycling bin is no way to live!! Anxious for when the next stress event will happen – is no way to live. All of these things are what you need to write down, print out and have available to read when your feelings begin to go in the missing, questioning direction.
You absolutely made the right decision for yourself!!!!!
((hugs))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Its a good thing to cry and grieve and express emotions.
Get it out, Gem.
I don't do what I recommend of course. I can guarantee depression by internalizing it. I have wished 1,000 times I could cry it out.
Get it out, Gem.
I don't do what I recommend of course. I can guarantee depression by internalizing it. I have wished 1,000 times I could cry it out.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I think one of the hardest parts of codependency recovery is getting to acceptance that we are powerless over people, places and things. That there's nothing we can say or do that will change others. In Alanon, which saved my sanity and helped me get the life I want, I learned that what I called love was really need and that if I want to be happy I have to change. A big hug.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
I am so happy to have found this forum and I am so, so thankful for everyone that posts and has responded to my threads. It's like a built in network of friends that know what you're going through (especially since I'm sure my in person friends got really sick of hearing my misery and not doing anything about it."
I finally deleted all emails/texts etc from the last 2 years from him but the very last one he sent me after the break up just sums everything up:
"I love you but I can't change who I am."
Well maybe you can't, but I sure can and I sure will!
I finally deleted all emails/texts etc from the last 2 years from him but the very last one he sent me after the break up just sums everything up:
"I love you but I can't change who I am."
Well maybe you can't, but I sure can and I sure will!
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