breaking point----I've hit it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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breaking point----I've hit it.
Haven't posted in a long time. AH is staying sober.
yay
As my super smart friend on SR has always said ( and I concur).....abuse and alchoholism are separate issues.
The abuse is just out of this world. I made a list today of the things he has said to me. Dandy told me to do this a while ago and I have....but he found it in my wallet ( yes he was in my wallet) and he replaced it with "kind loving words" because I "wasn't any of those things he called me".
So....I would like to put them here. I want to get it off my chest. This is what I'm living with. BUT.... I will not be living it for long. I hit my breaking point the other day when I had a girlfriend over to help me study for a big chemistry exam I had today. I felt anxious that she was there while AH was at work. What if he found out? I would be in trouble. THIS IS SOOOO STUPID!!!! I was embarrassed because she knows what a freak he is and she didn't want to stay that long either...I don't blame her.
He has been wanting to be intimate ALOT lately. Like say 5 days a week, 2/3 times a day....total overkill. My body has been hurting a lot lately and I have to have another procedure done in two weeks. I have two aneurysms in my splenic artery. It's a relatively rare condition, but dangerous none the less. So I have to go have the aneursyms clotted off basically with these coil things.....long story short it will cut off the blood supply to the lower portion of my spleen and my spleen will slowly die from ischemia (lack of oxygen). It is very painful I guess. Anyway....I haven't been feeling very good lately. Not because of the aneurysms, but because I'm just plain worn the **** out!!
He got sooo mad when I turned him down the other morning. Then he started bringing up how I was in love with the ex again...the DEAD ex....how when he was in treatment I was screwing the world....(do you guys remember when he was in treatment?? I was dirt broke and without heat?? yeah.....
I'm reading "why does he do that?" and WOW....he fits it so well. It's a book about angry and abusive men.....
From the info I got out of this book, the reason he has been demanding more sex is because he knows I then have to divert ALL of my attention to him and not to school, kids, ya know LIFE.....these abusers want all the attention and they feel they are entitled to it.
I am pasteing my list....
I am no longer looking at Steve as a human being. He is an abuser. He does not operate on the normal wave length that the rest of us do. He knows what he is doing. It is calculated. It is timed. It is pre-meditiated.
Because I cannot afford a blow to my spleen ( the artery will rupture and I could die very quickly)....I must proceed with extreme caution. I will get through the surgery first before I force him to leave. I will have the police there. I WILL get restraining order and I AM DOING THIS.
Here is my list. Please refer me back to this post if I appear to falter later on.......
1. You are no better than a prostitute
2. *****
3. Quit teaching the girls about your ****** ways
4. I hope you die a miserable death
5. Your just like your mother
6. ******
7. ****
8. How many men did you **** while I was at treatment
9. I don’t want to ride home for three hours next to this piece of ***** (pointing at me)
10. Your no ****** housewife.
11. sucked my ****** way better than you.
For some reason I burst into tears as I looked back on the “I hope you die a miserable death”.
12. All you do is seek attention from the opposite sex.
13. You show your **** to my brother
14. You ******* my brother.
15.You’ve ruined my credit.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You are the reason I cannot see my kids.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You talk too much
18. You destroyed everything for me ***** thanks.
19. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.
20. Once a **** always a ****.
21. Do you want me to rape your ass like Ted did?
I think I’ll stop there. Isn’t that enough?
Please friends....I know I need to leave. I see him for what he is now....I really do. I need to leave. I know this isn't an abuse forum.....and yes he is sober....but only for the time being....he isn't going to meetings and he isn't getting a sponsor and blah blah blah......
Yes, I have a safety plan
. Just to cover that one right off the bat.
yay
As my super smart friend on SR has always said ( and I concur).....abuse and alchoholism are separate issues.
The abuse is just out of this world. I made a list today of the things he has said to me. Dandy told me to do this a while ago and I have....but he found it in my wallet ( yes he was in my wallet) and he replaced it with "kind loving words" because I "wasn't any of those things he called me".
So....I would like to put them here. I want to get it off my chest. This is what I'm living with. BUT.... I will not be living it for long. I hit my breaking point the other day when I had a girlfriend over to help me study for a big chemistry exam I had today. I felt anxious that she was there while AH was at work. What if he found out? I would be in trouble. THIS IS SOOOO STUPID!!!! I was embarrassed because she knows what a freak he is and she didn't want to stay that long either...I don't blame her.
He has been wanting to be intimate ALOT lately. Like say 5 days a week, 2/3 times a day....total overkill. My body has been hurting a lot lately and I have to have another procedure done in two weeks. I have two aneurysms in my splenic artery. It's a relatively rare condition, but dangerous none the less. So I have to go have the aneursyms clotted off basically with these coil things.....long story short it will cut off the blood supply to the lower portion of my spleen and my spleen will slowly die from ischemia (lack of oxygen). It is very painful I guess. Anyway....I haven't been feeling very good lately. Not because of the aneurysms, but because I'm just plain worn the **** out!!
He got sooo mad when I turned him down the other morning. Then he started bringing up how I was in love with the ex again...the DEAD ex....how when he was in treatment I was screwing the world....(do you guys remember when he was in treatment?? I was dirt broke and without heat?? yeah.....
I'm reading "why does he do that?" and WOW....he fits it so well. It's a book about angry and abusive men.....
From the info I got out of this book, the reason he has been demanding more sex is because he knows I then have to divert ALL of my attention to him and not to school, kids, ya know LIFE.....these abusers want all the attention and they feel they are entitled to it.
I am pasteing my list....
I am no longer looking at Steve as a human being. He is an abuser. He does not operate on the normal wave length that the rest of us do. He knows what he is doing. It is calculated. It is timed. It is pre-meditiated.
Because I cannot afford a blow to my spleen ( the artery will rupture and I could die very quickly)....I must proceed with extreme caution. I will get through the surgery first before I force him to leave. I will have the police there. I WILL get restraining order and I AM DOING THIS.
Here is my list. Please refer me back to this post if I appear to falter later on.......
1. You are no better than a prostitute
2. *****
3. Quit teaching the girls about your ****** ways
4. I hope you die a miserable death
5. Your just like your mother
6. ******
7. ****
8. How many men did you **** while I was at treatment
9. I don’t want to ride home for three hours next to this piece of ***** (pointing at me)
10. Your no ****** housewife.
11. sucked my ****** way better than you.
For some reason I burst into tears as I looked back on the “I hope you die a miserable death”.
12. All you do is seek attention from the opposite sex.
13. You show your **** to my brother
14. You ******* my brother.
15.You’ve ruined my credit.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You are the reason I cannot see my kids.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You talk too much
18. You destroyed everything for me ***** thanks.
19. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.
20. Once a **** always a ****.
21. Do you want me to rape your ass like Ted did?
I think I’ll stop there. Isn’t that enough?
Please friends....I know I need to leave. I see him for what he is now....I really do. I need to leave. I know this isn't an abuse forum.....and yes he is sober....but only for the time being....he isn't going to meetings and he isn't getting a sponsor and blah blah blah......
Yes, I have a safety plan
. Just to cover that one right off the bat.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 09-25-2015 at 07:36 PM. Reason: foul language
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Not just enough, but too much.
Sounds like my ex. Reading Why Does He Do That was a real eye-opener for me. All those times I felt sorry for him or thought if only he'd get sober everything would be great. Ha.
Hang in there.
Sounds like my ex. Reading Why Does He Do That was a real eye-opener for me. All those times I felt sorry for him or thought if only he'd get sober everything would be great. Ha.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
(((FTS))) Wow - that big long dicky list and all it makes me see is what an amazing person you are, and what an abusive POS he is. Sending you love and strength to get through surgery - It sucks you have to go through that!! And sending you the strength and anger to boot his @$& out the door.
You know you deserve the world, and he is just giving you a pile of dirt.
You know you deserve the world, and he is just giving you a pile of dirt.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Welcome back. We've missed you.
I'm disgusted. Just disgusted. Please be safe, hon.
(You may want to see if the administrators can remove the names from the list. Just to be safe.)
I'm disgusted. Just disgusted. Please be safe, hon.
(You may want to see if the administrators can remove the names from the list. Just to be safe.)
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Way far over the line, free. That's a horrid list. I broke out into tears & hugged my phone reading this post (since you aren't here in person to hug).
You are one BRAVE woman free, your strength & resilience amaze & inspire me; I hope you feel better soon!
You are one BRAVE woman free, your strength & resilience amaze & inspire me; I hope you feel better soon!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Surgery is Oct. 8th.... it's gonna be about a 3 hour drive to Loveland CO, that's where they are doing it....... I'm going by myself...ugh!!!
And no, the kids no nothing at this point and I will be keeping it that way. He's been very good to them lately...all this has been via texting or quietly in our room. He's been very careful around them...I think he is trying to get on their good side or something...not sure of his motives on that one.
All is grand according to the rest of the world....he is a great worker, he is smart, I'm so lucky to have such a great husband who is working so hard to stay sober for his family and so on.....
only I know what is really going on and so does he.
I will probably take the kids to counseling with me about a week before I spring this on him and explain what I am going to do and why. I don' t want to blind side them.
And no, the kids no nothing at this point and I will be keeping it that way. He's been very good to them lately...all this has been via texting or quietly in our room. He's been very careful around them...I think he is trying to get on their good side or something...not sure of his motives on that one.
All is grand according to the rest of the world....he is a great worker, he is smart, I'm so lucky to have such a great husband who is working so hard to stay sober for his family and so on.....
only I know what is really going on and so does he.
I will probably take the kids to counseling with me about a week before I spring this on him and explain what I am going to do and why. I don' t want to blind side them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FTS- You are making thought out and calculated decisions!! Good for you!!
You have a plan and you are not rushing it. I know you are aware once he starts drinking the physical abuse comes back quick. Please give this to your friend and have her keep a copy. Plan and execute.
We are all here for you, hugs my friend!!
You have a plan and you are not rushing it. I know you are aware once he starts drinking the physical abuse comes back quick. Please give this to your friend and have her keep a copy. Plan and execute.
We are all here for you, hugs my friend!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....for what it is worth...I'll bet that the kids know more than you think.
They may not know all the specific details....but, kids are good at "reading" the environment......especially, the ages that yours are.
I think taking them for counseling is a good idea.
Do you think they will "spill the beans"?
dandylion
They may not know all the specific details....but, kids are good at "reading" the environment......especially, the ages that yours are.
I think taking them for counseling is a good idea.
Do you think they will "spill the beans"?
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FTS, I'm really concerned about you. What a lot you have to cope with right now, quite apart from him and the last thing you need is this continual abuse. The fact that you have to go quietly to avoid possible fatal injury is horrifying.
When you previously indicated he was getting medication for mental health problems I sort of hoped they'd found the key to his behaviour, but I guess he stopped taking them?
The sex thing is really disturbing. Do you feel you can say no to him, or are you intimidated by the consequences when you do? If you feel forced into sex by fear of abuse, that's rape. Is there no way you can force him to leave before the surgery? I hate to think of you going through this.
You're keeping the texts just in case I hope? You may have to use them to convince the kids about him. Please look after yourself...big hugs. I wish you weren't do isolated.
When you previously indicated he was getting medication for mental health problems I sort of hoped they'd found the key to his behaviour, but I guess he stopped taking them?
The sex thing is really disturbing. Do you feel you can say no to him, or are you intimidated by the consequences when you do? If you feel forced into sex by fear of abuse, that's rape. Is there no way you can force him to leave before the surgery? I hate to think of you going through this.
You're keeping the texts just in case I hope? You may have to use them to convince the kids about him. Please look after yourself...big hugs. I wish you weren't do isolated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
oh if I could hug you through the screen I would! So painfully familiar to what I went through/am going through.
I am so glad that you have a safety plan. They are important. Hang on to your anger (and that list) for a little while. It will help you get through the separation (just make sure to process it out of your system later). One thing I learned through all of this is that I had the RIGHT to be angry and that it didn't make me a bad person.
Why Does He Do That is an amazing book. I felt like a bobble head reading it I kept nodding in agreement so much! It is really eye opening.
I am so glad that you have a safety plan. They are important. Hang on to your anger (and that list) for a little while. It will help you get through the separation (just make sure to process it out of your system later). One thing I learned through all of this is that I had the RIGHT to be angry and that it didn't make me a bad person.
Why Does He Do That is an amazing book. I felt like a bobble head reading it I kept nodding in agreement so much! It is really eye opening.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
My heart hurt for you reading your post. I am so sorry for what you have had to endure from this man. So glad you have a safety plan. One day at a time. Sending you hugs!! Prayers for your surgery and strength for the days to come! Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Freetosmile, my heart goes out to you, for your physical problems and especially for the abuse you are suffering. No one should have to live in the environment you are in. You deserve so much better.
Can you leave any sooner, especially before the surgery? Would there be someone to take care of you and your kids before and after surgery? With your vulnerable physical condition, I worry that he may get violent.
I wouldn't tell your kids before hand - leaving an abuser and the time just after is the most dangerous time, and you don't want them to slip and say something or act differently.
ShootingStar1
Can you leave any sooner, especially before the surgery? Would there be someone to take care of you and your kids before and after surgery? With your vulnerable physical condition, I worry that he may get violent.
I wouldn't tell your kids before hand - leaving an abuser and the time just after is the most dangerous time, and you don't want them to slip and say something or act differently.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
FTS, I have nothing to add to the advice you've been given here, but I do want to add to all those sending you strength and hugs and hope.
No one--NO ONE--ever ever EVER has the right to say such things to another person as he has said to you.
You are in my prayers.
No one--NO ONE--ever ever EVER has the right to say such things to another person as he has said to you.
You are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Thanks you guys... Really thanks so much.
He's in Hoover mode right now... Just got the speech last night about how capable of change he is ( without AA or sponsor of abuse therapy ha ha).
Right now I've been playing along.
Yes honey, I know you can change, said I. I said the thing that concerns me is that I may be holding you back from the recovery. I said, you have no anger issues with anyone else.
I said, you're nice to the gas station attendant, you are kind to the children, you don't hold grudges against your boss.
I said, I really feel like I probably screwed this up beyond repair because you are still angry at me all the time.
I said, I think it's just me. And I want you to be happy. Even if that means I lost you.
Ha!
I know all of the above is ********.... But from what I've read, this is kind of where it is safe. He thinks I feel so ashamed of everything I've "done"... And I'm going to keep it that way for a few weeks.
I've met some people at school who are aware of my situation. One lady was in a situation similar to mine and she finally left.... So I know there is hope.
What I need it's for people to just remind me that at this point I cannot treat him like a human.... He needs to be treated like an abuser. And I need to feed his ego until that time comes when I can make my move.
I feel it would be unwise to rock the boat right now. I, personally have too much important stuff going on that he could easily F up if he chose to. So I think I'm gonna have to do this for about a month. That's two weeks until the procedure and two weeks of recovery.. Plus that will get me through my midterms.
Amy has always said that her abuser was very kind during medical crap.. And again I concur. He is hovering too right now, so that also plays to my advantage.
As long as I can continue to see his actions for what they are: Techniques, tactics, and patterns..... As opposed to the desire to change, heart felt remorse, and so on....i think I'll be ok.
I'm almost a little excited about it... But I'm gonna keep my cool, not jump the gun, and take my time with this. I will call law enforcement when I ask him to go. Then I will get a restraining order. I was unable to last time, but I feel good about this time because he did try to commit suicide about two months ago and I have all of his texts and I've been recording some of his verbal abuse on my phone....
He went get violent until he suspects I'm gaining strength. I went be so foolish this time as to reveal my strength. As far as he knows, I'm drowning in my sorrows over my inability to be a good wife and just wishing I hadn't hurt him so bad.
Good fricking riddance!!!!!!!
He's in Hoover mode right now... Just got the speech last night about how capable of change he is ( without AA or sponsor of abuse therapy ha ha).
Right now I've been playing along.
Yes honey, I know you can change, said I. I said the thing that concerns me is that I may be holding you back from the recovery. I said, you have no anger issues with anyone else.
I said, you're nice to the gas station attendant, you are kind to the children, you don't hold grudges against your boss.
I said, I really feel like I probably screwed this up beyond repair because you are still angry at me all the time.
I said, I think it's just me. And I want you to be happy. Even if that means I lost you.
Ha!
I know all of the above is ********.... But from what I've read, this is kind of where it is safe. He thinks I feel so ashamed of everything I've "done"... And I'm going to keep it that way for a few weeks.
I've met some people at school who are aware of my situation. One lady was in a situation similar to mine and she finally left.... So I know there is hope.
What I need it's for people to just remind me that at this point I cannot treat him like a human.... He needs to be treated like an abuser. And I need to feed his ego until that time comes when I can make my move.
I feel it would be unwise to rock the boat right now. I, personally have too much important stuff going on that he could easily F up if he chose to. So I think I'm gonna have to do this for about a month. That's two weeks until the procedure and two weeks of recovery.. Plus that will get me through my midterms.
Amy has always said that her abuser was very kind during medical crap.. And again I concur. He is hovering too right now, so that also plays to my advantage.
As long as I can continue to see his actions for what they are: Techniques, tactics, and patterns..... As opposed to the desire to change, heart felt remorse, and so on....i think I'll be ok.
I'm almost a little excited about it... But I'm gonna keep my cool, not jump the gun, and take my time with this. I will call law enforcement when I ask him to go. Then I will get a restraining order. I was unable to last time, but I feel good about this time because he did try to commit suicide about two months ago and I have all of his texts and I've been recording some of his verbal abuse on my phone....
He went get violent until he suspects I'm gaining strength. I went be so foolish this time as to reveal my strength. As far as he knows, I'm drowning in my sorrows over my inability to be a good wife and just wishing I hadn't hurt him so bad.
Good fricking riddance!!!!!!!
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