wantmeback

Hello SR

My very brief history is I live with my ABF. We are not married, but have a child together and have been together for five years.
When he was drinking, our lives were a nightmare. There was verbal abuse, horrible arguments and name calling, damage of property, hitting up the bar every weekend, sometimes staying out all night, infidelity, etc. You all can imagine, I’m sure.
I put up with it for longer than I should have.
He got arrested for his second DUI back in May, and after that he stayed sober for a while, even going to AA some, until he just decided it “wasn’t for him.” He started drinking again shortly after that.
Since his return to drinking, to my surprise, he has kept it under control. I don’t know exactly how much he drinks every night, but I know he’s not getting black-out drunk like he used to, and is not picking fights with me. He has no driver’s license, so he’s not going to the bar, and is also not hitting up the gas station every time when he’s out of his beer like he used to.
Though, he did take my car after he had been drinking recently on two occasions to go get more.
After the first time, I told him if he ever did it again, I would call the police.
So the second time, he took my phone with him.
Now I hide the car keys from him, and have a secret pay-as-you go cell phone for emergencies.

I can’t stand him when he drinks. I can’t stand the way he talks, the faces he makes. I associate it with the worst time in my life. I hate it. I hate being around him, even if he’s being nice.

I have not really had any conversations about it with him. I let my boundary get wiped away by not kicking him out when he first started back up, and have even drank with him on occasion. Thing is, I know it will go one of two ways. Either he’ll be understanding and he’ll say, yeah, I’ll stop drinking, then he will… but for how long? Then I’m just continuing this cycle.
Or… he’ll get angry, yell and lecture me about how he’s sick of everybody in his life telling him what to do. And I don’t want to deal with it.

I want out of this relationship. I do still have mixed emotions about it. I still love him in a way, and we have a child, and part of me would feel guilty and worry for him, and on an on and all that nonsense.
But I know it’s for the best. I will not go back to the way things were before.

So, this is where I need some advice.

I pay the mortgage on the house we live in. I bought it before I met him. I pay the majority of the bills. I cannot pack up and go rent another home. I want him to leave.

I’ve considered telling him I would give him 30 days. Give him an eviction notice, and go stay with my sister an hour away until he leaves.
But, I actually don’t want to do that, and I don’t feel like I should have to. This is my house. I work in this town, my child goes to day care in this town. Making her commute two hours every day is not fair to her, she has a long week as it is.

So, I haven’t done that. I just keep letting things go, and honestly, I feel devilish admitting this, but I feel like I’m just waiting and almost hoping for him to eff up and do something which would warrant me calling the police, so he could be arrested, and I could file a protective order or a move out order, or whatever.
But that hasn’t happened yet. It will, I have no doubt, eventually. We’ve been down this road before. But I just want to be done.

So my other thought is to call the police the next time he drinks at all, and gets a little buzzed, which I have no doubt will be tonight. He is on probation with the condition to not drink any amount, and there is also a warrant for his arrest in another county ( I called to confirm that). So he would be arrested, and I would have some time to clear my head and do what I need to do.

Is that wrong? If I do that, I know I will feel guilty. He may lose his job. I don’t want him to suffer, I just want him gone.

Should I just suck it up and go stay with my sister?

I hope this was not too convoluted to read. I was trying to keep it short and to the point, so I probably left a lot of key points out.
Thank you in advance for your brilliant advice.

Hangnbyathread

I don't know of any other legal way except for an eviction. And he can fight that and drag it out. Honestly if he were arrested and taken to jail, then you could file an eviction and probably get it completed while he was wrapped up in that. That way if he got released, you already have evicted him. However you them are responsible for the safekeeping of his crap until such time as the courts tell you where to deliver it to. These evictions can get messy.

*sigh*

firebolt

In the big picture, and compared to what you have already gone through in the last 5 years, this seems relatively easy. You are basically his landlord, giving him a letter in writing stating he has 30 days to leave seems like the most calm, non confrontational and level headed thing to do - especially if you have a place to go during that time. Good luck - sending you visions of a peaceful life!

wantmeback

I just have visions of him destroying the house and causing all kinds of other problems in the mean time to retaliate.

But you're right, compared to what I've already been through, I can handle that.

dandylion

wantmeback....I tend to think that firebolt makes a good point. One typed letter (keep copies).....and I would have it notarized.....seems like the m ost efficient and drama-free way to accomplish his exit.
Are you afraid of a confrontation with him....if you have to face him in person...?

dandylion

SeriousKarma

I'm sorry. I just had to laugh at this one. Clever little bugger you're dealing with there, huh?

Wantmeback, have you thought about getting some legal advice here? I think it might be a good idea.

dandylion

Haaa..ha...ha! I confess...I laughed at him taking the phone, also!

When an alcoholic wants to get to alcohol....nothing stops them....

dandylion

wantmeback

Yes. He's never been physically abusive, but yes

wantmeback

Lol.
A couple of years ago when he went out to the bar, he took my phone AND disconnected my battery in my car, so I couldn't call the police or whoever he thought I was going to call, OR leave.

I haven't gotten any legal advice. Probably should.

dandylion

wantmeback....yes, I think getting legal advice is a really good idea. It sure can't hurt.
If I were you, I would call the domestic violence center and talk to them about it also....you may qualify for a restraining order. I would talk to both---the dv worker and a lawyer....actually, they can give you a referral for a good lawyer who is familiar with these kinds of situations.
Can't hurt.....lol. Knowledge is power....

dandylion

SeriousKarma

California is a community property state. You're not married, so I don't know that it would apply but you do have a child together, so.....

Like Dandylion said, "Knowledge is power."

I would definitely call the Domestic Violence Center. Taking a phone, and disconnecting a car battery is no joke.

DMC

I was in a similar boat - I ended up convincing him to go to rehab "just for 3 days." Three became 7, became 30 became 60, and by then, I'd shipped his stuff to his mother's and told him he couldn't come back.

But it's a really tough spot, and if you're dealing with someone who thinks about disconnecting your car battery... I'd get legal advise as well as talk to a DV advocate

FeelingGreat

Legal advice has to be the only safe option, WMB, but keep it quiet until you're ready to move.
If he does start destroying the house or your stuff you have the excuse you need to call the police. I presume he'd have been drinking if he gets to that stage. Ditto if you feel afraid of him because of threats, verbal abuse, or intimidation.

hexx

The things these people do to us....It makes me crazy. I would agree with everyone on here and contact a DV center about this. Not to freak you out, but the fact that he is taking your phone, disconnecting the battery on your car, drinking on probation are all warning signs of abusive behavior (feeling he is above the law and feeling he has the right to control where/when you leave). Just something to consider. They can be really helpful when starting to navigate this kind of thing. Hugs to you in all of this.

Mine would block my car in the driveway with his, take my debit card, etc. Grr...

wantmeback

Thanks you guys.
I'm so glad I found you.

Hexx, I read your last couple posts. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
My abf also used to take my debit card and my checks. He sold my jewelry too.
I used to think he would never become physically abusive, but now I'm not so sure.

I will be seeking legal advice and will speak to a DV advocate before I make any moves.

Peace out SR peeps

Gonnachange

Please get legal advice and do whatever you have to so that you can protect yourself and your child.

wantmeback

The part of me that is still screaming angry at him wants to see him arrested.
Not just because I want him out of the house, but because I want him to know that he can't just keep getting away with all his crap and I want him to have consequences!

Old unresolved criminal history and a bench warrant? Oh, I'll just move to another county and maybe they'll forget about it.

Probation? Pssshh. What? That doesn't mean anything, I'll do what I want.

But I guess by calling the police and tattle taling on him, that would just be me trying to control the situation, right?

I guess things will unfold the way they are meant to without me doing that.

atalose

I have a different take on this:

First, you are not yet fully committed to ending this relationship. And before you do anything you have to be 100% sure and committed to ending it.

You say yourself that you are not strong with holding your boundaries. You admit that you still love him and would feel guilty. You need to get yourself to 100% sure that ending this relationship is the direction you want to take with no going back, no getting talked back into it, sucked back into it from your own guilt.

His past actions, disconnecting your car battery and taking your phone are good indicators for future behavior.

Not so sure you want to give this person a nice neat eviction letter that allows him 30 days to do his act where you then having to move out of your own home, the one you pay for it is your best solution.

I think you have a lot to think about first then build up some inner power so that once you do decide which direction to take you will be strong enough to carry it out.

wantmeback

Thanks atalose.
You're right. There are days that I do feel 100% certain I'm done and won't get sucked back in, and other days I definitely don't.
Like last night, he did drink last night, but I don't know how much, and if I hadn't seen him come out of the gas station with beer, I would not have known he was drinking. None of the disgusting faces and speech patterns he gets when he drinks more.
I swear, he gets some weird accent when he drinks, does anybody else's A do that? It makes me want to tell him to shut the F up until morning. But I don't because that would likely set him off. So I listen to him tell me about crap I don't care about, like the mechanics of an air conditioning unit, in his drunk accent.
Yeah, I can pretend to care for about two minutes, and then I really have to put out effort to look like I give two sh1ts. Cuz I really don't.

Anyway, last night was nice, which makes me definitely not 100% certain that I would not be sucked back in. It's easy to forget about the monster when the good guy shows up.

I just want him to go away and not come back.

Has anybody else ever wished their A would just get abducted by aliens or something.
It would be a lot easier that way.

atalose

Oh I think many of us have “wished” for our troubles to just go away by aliens or whatever to make it EASIER ON US.

But then how would we ever learn to become strong independent women if other people were doing what we were to afraid to do for ourselves???