The vicious toxic cycle
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The vicious toxic cycle
The typical cycle that I can't escape is... he binges, he comes home... I threaten to leave, then I begin to miss him, I start talking to him... I start asking questions as to what he did and why, he promises he learnt his lesson and he knows what to do next time, he is "good" for 3 months, then repeat.
I am in the "asking him questions about what happened" stage and I really want to be strong and avoid falling into the same "I am sorry for hurting you babe, I will show you I changed" lies.
I think it's me that enables him, because I always forgive him. I miss him and love him, that's the truth. But I carry so much friggin pain in my heart constantly and I really want to get out. I need out.
I am in the "asking him questions about what happened" stage and I really want to be strong and avoid falling into the same "I am sorry for hurting you babe, I will show you I changed" lies.
I think it's me that enables him, because I always forgive him. I miss him and love him, that's the truth. But I carry so much friggin pain in my heart constantly and I really want to get out. I need out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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You can acknowledge to yourself that however sorry he really may be (and he may very well be telling you the truth) and however much he INTENDS not to repeat what happened, HISTORY proves that whatever his good intentions he cannot carry through with them.
That's one of the main things to know about alcoholism. You can have all the good intentions in the world and still wind up the same way. Most alcoholics require treatment--not necessarily rehab, but AA or something similar--to change that cycle. As long as he thinks he can do it on his own--and as long as you're willing to let him continue deluding himself this way--the same thing will keep happening.
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You're no more insane than the rest of us were, but it helps to acknowledge it for what it is.
That's one of the main things to know about alcoholism. You can have all the good intentions in the world and still wind up the same way. Most alcoholics require treatment--not necessarily rehab, but AA or something similar--to change that cycle. As long as he thinks he can do it on his own--and as long as you're willing to let him continue deluding himself this way--the same thing will keep happening.
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You're no more insane than the rest of us were, but it helps to acknowledge it for what it is.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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I'm sorry you're hurting, Soulful. You see the cycle and that's always the first step in breaking it.
It's so important to realize that he's not going to change. The only part in the cycle that you can change is your part.
Is he out now? or do you still live together? What do you need to be able to start removing yourself from the cycle?
Originally Posted by Soulful 
and I really want to get out. I need out.
Is he out now? or do you still live together? What do you need to be able to start removing yourself from the cycle?
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I have started to take on projects to make some money and start saving. It's going to take a month-three before I can have steady cash flow and be financially independent, so until then, we live together. Tough... super tough...
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He just told me that before me, he was never doing cocaine and drinking like that (it's a lie).
He also told me I need to be more supportive of him and stop being so negative and create a good environment in the house.
He also told me I need to be more supportive of him and stop being so negative and create a good environment in the house.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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But it's do-able, Soulful. I realized I had to leave AXH sometime around Thanksgiving one year and was finally able to actually leave by mid-April. It helped me to break it up into smaller chunks of time rather than looking at how long I thought it'd take: "I'll have 1/2 of a security deposit by ____." Then, "I'll have the full security deposit by ____." And "AXH has to work the night shift next week, so Monday evening DS and I will effectively have the apartment to ourselves. Three more days."
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He's trying to blame you for his addictions. That's not how it works, you know that, right? It doesn't matter how sweet you are, how much you cater to his every whim. He'd still find a reason that something *made* him drink or use.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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November- end November, Thanksgiving time. This is when I want to leave.
I am going to work backwards to study, work and make money, find a place and make this happen.
I have no idea how I am going to do it, but if I haven't been able to keep any promises for a better life for myself, I want to look back next year at this thread and tell myself I did it.
I think this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do, and I am so scared.
I am going to work backwards to study, work and make money, find a place and make this happen.
I have no idea how I am going to do it, but if I haven't been able to keep any promises for a better life for myself, I want to look back next year at this thread and tell myself I did it.
I think this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do, and I am so scared.
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I am having such a hard time with all this nonsense. I am so angry and sad and just pissed off I stayed so long. I am pissed off he blames me for it, I am pissed off he doesn't love his family or doesn't want to get this fixed.
I am so upset I have no motivation to work even harder than I do, that I still hope he will get better.
I am so pissed off to be this confused... I am completely overwhelmed today. I feel like I can't breathe and can't stop crying and I hate being so weak.
I am so upset I have no motivation to work even harder than I do, that I still hope he will get better.
I am so pissed off to be this confused... I am completely overwhelmed today. I feel like I can't breathe and can't stop crying and I hate being so weak.
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Soulful - I feel your pain because I too have been clinging for dear life on the yoyo/ roller coaster ride. This is *not* your fault, and even if his addiction has gotten worse since you me each other, it's not - NOT - because of you!!!
While you're waiting for thanksgiving...please make sure you're using birth control! Practical advice that could save you a lifetime of heartache. Thriving on drama is one thing (saying that with absolutely no judgement, merely illustrating my point), but bringing a child into this chaos will make things infinitely worse.
Good for you for having a plan to get out! Stay strong, SR is here for you <3
While you're waiting for thanksgiving...please make sure you're using birth control! Practical advice that could save you a lifetime of heartache. Thriving on drama is one thing (saying that with absolutely no judgement, merely illustrating my point), but bringing a child into this chaos will make things infinitely worse.
Good for you for having a plan to get out! Stay strong, SR is here for you <3
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 28
Soulful, I am sorry you are going through this as I know this pain all to well myself. I was trapped in this cycle for 8 years. I know from experience that it will go on as long as you keep accepting it. I also always wanted to believe his words and yes, he would act good for a short time too (these "good" periods started becoming less and less as the years went on), but he ALWAYS went back to getting drunk, lying, blaming me, etc. I missed him and still do so much. But it came to a point that I had to choose myself and pay attention to actions, because words are just words. Like you, I ALWAYS demanded an explanation, half the time he would say he didn't know why he acted the way he did (some part of me kind of believes this, as he has little insight), other times he would just say he is sorry without an explanation/acknowledgement of his bad deeds. He also would start to blame me as well. This went on for so long. Now he is with his friends wife (cheating), who is also an alcoholic. He doesn't have anyone nagging him to be a good father and be responsible and take care of his health. She gets drunk with him and doesn't think about the important things in life. Ultimately, I had to accept that is the life he wants to lead. It's not easy, but we are worth more than they treat us.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Soulful......saving money is a start.....but, you will need more than just money, alone, to make a "successful" final exit.
You will need some tools...some tools to help you stick to your resolve after you l eave. To help you cut the chain that keeps you stuck in this cycle.
These tools will help you to change the things that you tell yourself. The "lies" that scare you into holding on to him....even when pain is your only friend.
If not already....get the book "Co-Dependent No More" and start reading it. Begin going to alanon--even if you don't relish the idea....as it will validate the feelings that you are having and it will strengthen your self confidence and self esteem....and, it will give you a "cushion" of friends to fall back on when you need a "soft place to fall".
Begin to fantasize leaving and imagining what your new life could be like...Imagination is a powerful tool for change. If you can "see" yourself doing a certain thing....then, the forces within your self will direct you in that direction....almost at a subconscious level. Use your imagination every day!!
Do these things ....as they will form a path for you......
Read all the stories, here....and, there are a few thousand....of all the others of us that have bro ken the "vicious cycle"....
dandylion
You will need some tools...some tools to help you stick to your resolve after you l eave. To help you cut the chain that keeps you stuck in this cycle.
These tools will help you to change the things that you tell yourself. The "lies" that scare you into holding on to him....even when pain is your only friend.
If not already....get the book "Co-Dependent No More" and start reading it. Begin going to alanon--even if you don't relish the idea....as it will validate the feelings that you are having and it will strengthen your self confidence and self esteem....and, it will give you a "cushion" of friends to fall back on when you need a "soft place to fall".
Begin to fantasize leaving and imagining what your new life could be like...Imagination is a powerful tool for change. If you can "see" yourself doing a certain thing....then, the forces within your self will direct you in that direction....almost at a subconscious level. Use your imagination every day!!
Do these things ....as they will form a path for you......
Read all the stories, here....and, there are a few thousand....of all the others of us that have bro ken the "vicious cycle"....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by maia1234
The only promise you can believe from an alcoholic is that they will drink again!! Hugs my friend, and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by dandylion
Soulful......saving money is a start.....but, you will need more than just money, alone, to make a "successful" final exit.
You will need some tools...some tools to help you stick to your resolve after you l eave. To help you cut the chain that keeps you stuck in this cycle.
These tools will help you to change the things that you tell yourself. The "lies" that scare you into holding on to him....even when pain is your only friend.
If not already....get the book "Co-Dependent No More" and start reading it. Begin going to alanon--even if you don't relish the idea....as it will validate the feelings that you are having and it will strengthen your self confidence and self esteem....and, it will give you a "cushion" of friends to fall back on when you need a "soft place to fall".
Begin to fantasize leaving and imagining what your new life could be like...Imagination is a powerful tool for change. If you can "see" yourself doing a certain thing....then, the forces within your self will direct you in that direction....almost at a subconscious level. Use your imagination every day!!
Do these things ....as they will form a path for you......
Read all the stories, here....and, there are a few thousand....of all the others of us that have bro ken the "vicious cycle"....
dandylion
You will need some tools...some tools to help you stick to your resolve after you l eave. To help you cut the chain that keeps you stuck in this cycle.
These tools will help you to change the things that you tell yourself. The "lies" that scare you into holding on to him....even when pain is your only friend.
If not already....get the book "Co-Dependent No More" and start reading it. Begin going to alanon--even if you don't relish the idea....as it will validate the feelings that you are having and it will strengthen your self confidence and self esteem....and, it will give you a "cushion" of friends to fall back on when you need a "soft place to fall".
Begin to fantasize leaving and imagining what your new life could be like...Imagination is a powerful tool for change. If you can "see" yourself doing a certain thing....then, the forces within your self will direct you in that direction....almost at a subconscious level. Use your imagination every day!!
Do these things ....as they will form a path for you......
Read all the stories, here....and, there are a few thousand....of all the others of us that have bro ken the "vicious cycle"....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Soulful-I'm sharing this because I want to try and help and let you know we all understand. I think all of us have heard confessions from the spouses we love. My ex (then husband) tearfully and truthfully confessed the truth to me almost three years ago-a truth I already knew. Hearing him say it brought me to my knees-and my hope went through the roof! This time! This time he gets it because he said it!! Unfortunately I've heard the same confessions at rehab too last year but it was just a game to him-or to appease me-or maybe he really meant it-who knows. All I know is then husband is now ex husband and he continues to drink trying to hide it more and more-unfortunately for him HE will be his own undoing. Everyone sees it except him. Everyone sees the manipulation, lies, etc except him-or maybe he is just a narcissist and knows exactly what he's doing-which if his actions are not related to alcoholism, then that makes him a psychopath and a psychological liar. Either way, Actions always tell the truth-words do not....esp with addicts bc lying is their language. I'm so sorry you are hurting...I will pray for you tonight. I've been there and it is gut wrenching.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Soulful, you're grieving for the relationship because you've realised you have to leave.It's hard, but it's also a good sign that shows you have the self-esteem to know you deserve more than living through the cycle over and over again.
As the others have suggested, break up your plan into little steps and keep grinding away. Accept that you're going to feel bad, and that's natural, but you're also smart enough to do something to help yourself.
As the others have suggested, break up your plan into little steps and keep grinding away. Accept that you're going to feel bad, and that's natural, but you're also smart enough to do something to help yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I gave my rings away, along with our wedding album. I thanked him for making me feel we have something special, eventhough that was only on our wedding night, the only memory I choose to have of him.
Releasing that, released me.
I know now it's over.
Releasing that, released me.
I know now it's over.
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