Text from stbxah
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
First, I want to say that text was pure horse crap manipulation, for whatever insane reason that he might have.
Second, I want to thank you for your honesty. When I was going through it, I kept all of my feelings bottled up. I put on a strong face, but I was breaking inside. I would say that I wasn't getting the help that I needed because I wasn't allowing my feelings, I hid them. That really didn't do me any good. Instead of you calling him, or texting back, you came here instead. That's quite an improvement.
Again the xoxoxo, the timing of it is too coincidental, to be coincidental.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Second, I want to thank you for your honesty. When I was going through it, I kept all of my feelings bottled up. I put on a strong face, but I was breaking inside. I would say that I wasn't getting the help that I needed because I wasn't allowing my feelings, I hid them. That really didn't do me any good. Instead of you calling him, or texting back, you came here instead. That's quite an improvement.
Again the xoxoxo, the timing of it is too coincidental, to be coincidental.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Yip my unhealthy obsession with wanting to be loved and needing someone to validate me!
We haven't had contact in about 5 months except recently about the kids but that's all it's been about I didn't talk about us, the divorce or his drinking.
To make my day worse I bumped into the old friend while I was at the shops, I just walked past neither of us a know,edging each other. I am so ashamed of how i behaved how I messed up our friendship with my insecurities and anxieties that I had done something wrong, and I hadn't at the start but then my feelings that everything changes do because I'd done something took over and my need to fix things. Of course my behaviour next did place the lose of this friendship squarely on me and the more I tried to fix it the worse I made it. Now he won't have anything to do with me and probably no longer thinks fondly of me as he said he did but think wow what a lucky escape she's an obsessional nut job!!!!!
I came home and just cried, so ashamed and guilty of my behaviour with him but also because I think so little of myself that I would behave the way I did and would want to be with my stbxah after how he's treated me! Disappointed in myself!!! This is another thing I can use to beat mysel up with and tell myself how unworthy I am!!!!
We haven't had contact in about 5 months except recently about the kids but that's all it's been about I didn't talk about us, the divorce or his drinking.
To make my day worse I bumped into the old friend while I was at the shops, I just walked past neither of us a know,edging each other. I am so ashamed of how i behaved how I messed up our friendship with my insecurities and anxieties that I had done something wrong, and I hadn't at the start but then my feelings that everything changes do because I'd done something took over and my need to fix things. Of course my behaviour next did place the lose of this friendship squarely on me and the more I tried to fix it the worse I made it. Now he won't have anything to do with me and probably no longer thinks fondly of me as he said he did but think wow what a lucky escape she's an obsessional nut job!!!!!
I came home and just cried, so ashamed and guilty of my behaviour with him but also because I think so little of myself that I would behave the way I did and would want to be with my stbxah after how he's treated me! Disappointed in myself!!! This is another thing I can use to beat mysel up with and tell myself how unworthy I am!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Butterfly, your obsession with your behavior is far more harmful to you than the original behavior was.
I know I have done things that still mortify me if I dwell on them. But dwelling on them doesn't make them not have happened, and more important, it does not make me a better person today. I'm a better person today because I do better things, not because I worry my past to death.
I know I have done things that still mortify me if I dwell on them. But dwelling on them doesn't make them not have happened, and more important, it does not make me a better person today. I'm a better person today because I do better things, not because I worry my past to death.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Well I didn't reply to his text and I haven't heard anything more from him. I think your right hawkeye it's the timing my cross petition will be going in.
As for I would take him back, I don't know if it's the person I want him to be when I think of us being together or because I don't think I deserve anyone better that makes me think I want him back so I don't have to be on my own!! But deep down I know I don't want o go back to life the way it was and I have to stop putting off the inevitable and file my cross petition!
Lexie I know your right and I guess just like I did with stbxah I'm obsessing over all the nice things he said aswell as my behaviour which messed the friendship up.
I should be focusing on what lessons I've learned, such as don't believe everything people say to you!! Don't rush with new friendships , listen to my gut instincts, look at actions, if people want to be around me they will and they will make the effort to do so. I know his attitude towards me changed and instead of standing back and letting him go, I overthought everything and made things so much worse. As I say people come into your life as a lesson or a blessing. The old friend was a lesson, a lesson to take a real long hard look at my behaviour and my need to fix everything and take the blame for everything that doesn't work out!! His attitude changed, and he wouldn't tell me why, maybe he was only after one thing that's his issue. My issue is my obsessive need to apologise and fix everything so everyone is happy with me and wants to be with me even if I'm not being my true self by making others happy. Or maybe he got too close too quickly and I engaged in my usual self destructive behaviours to push him away? Either way I need to work on my issues If any of this makes sense not sure it does as it keeps spinning round in my head!!
As for I would take him back, I don't know if it's the person I want him to be when I think of us being together or because I don't think I deserve anyone better that makes me think I want him back so I don't have to be on my own!! But deep down I know I don't want o go back to life the way it was and I have to stop putting off the inevitable and file my cross petition!
Lexie I know your right and I guess just like I did with stbxah I'm obsessing over all the nice things he said aswell as my behaviour which messed the friendship up.
I should be focusing on what lessons I've learned, such as don't believe everything people say to you!! Don't rush with new friendships , listen to my gut instincts, look at actions, if people want to be around me they will and they will make the effort to do so. I know his attitude towards me changed and instead of standing back and letting him go, I overthought everything and made things so much worse. As I say people come into your life as a lesson or a blessing. The old friend was a lesson, a lesson to take a real long hard look at my behaviour and my need to fix everything and take the blame for everything that doesn't work out!! His attitude changed, and he wouldn't tell me why, maybe he was only after one thing that's his issue. My issue is my obsessive need to apologise and fix everything so everyone is happy with me and wants to be with me even if I'm not being my true self by making others happy. Or maybe he got too close too quickly and I engaged in my usual self destructive behaviours to push him away? Either way I need to work on my issues If any of this makes sense not sure it does as it keeps spinning round in my head!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Haven't you noticed that since you have picked up the divorce proceedings that the EX has become cooperative, nice, and now is sending you texting xoxoxoxo notes that could be interpreted to mean ?????what exactly I don't know.
What I do know is you are being played. If someone wants to be with you they will make it very clear. This would entail an actual conversation not a symbolic cryptic message that says nothing but implies 100 different things.
In all these months has your husband once asked you on a date? Has he sent an email expressing he would like to try again? Has he inquired if you would be interested? Has he sent you flowers or a gift? Has he stopped by the house and asked to come in to spent time with you? NO. He has had almost zero contact with you.
Your husband is not interested in the financial aspects he will be burdened with in this divorce. Period. My guess is he is well aware of what he's looking at hence he has become unresponsive, and has not pursued finalization.
No one knows you like he does. He knows every button to push, knows how you will respond before YOU know how you will respond.
Move along and continue with the divorce. My guess is when he doesn't get his way Mr. NICE GUY will disappear like a fart in the wind.
What I do know is you are being played. If someone wants to be with you they will make it very clear. This would entail an actual conversation not a symbolic cryptic message that says nothing but implies 100 different things.
In all these months has your husband once asked you on a date? Has he sent an email expressing he would like to try again? Has he inquired if you would be interested? Has he sent you flowers or a gift? Has he stopped by the house and asked to come in to spent time with you? NO. He has had almost zero contact with you.
Your husband is not interested in the financial aspects he will be burdened with in this divorce. Period. My guess is he is well aware of what he's looking at hence he has become unresponsive, and has not pursued finalization.
No one knows you like he does. He knows every button to push, knows how you will respond before YOU know how you will respond.
Move along and continue with the divorce. My guess is when he doesn't get his way Mr. NICE GUY will disappear like a fart in the wind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Butterfly, your obsession with your behavior is far more harmful to you than the original behavior was.
Good for you, not answering that silly text. That's progress!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Butterfly, maybe the lesson from all this is to take it easy. Sometimes the simplest explanation is the best. Sometimes relationships don't work out, and it's no one's fault. Sometimes it just wasn't meant to be. Sometimes it really is as simple as that, and analyzing it further is just a waste of time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
So he just texted with xoxoxo. Nothing else.
It's weird right but of course I think what's wrong and I want to check that he's ok but the other hand I think is this an attempt to hook me back in to see if I'm still waiting about for him??
I haven't responded!!
Your views would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
It's weird right but of course I think what's wrong and I want to check that he's ok but the other hand I think is this an attempt to hook me back in to see if I'm still waiting about for him??
I haven't responded!!
Your views would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
keep it short, wish him well just to be polite.
Like send him a "thanks, hugs to you, too."
Or "smiles to you too." and leave it at that.
There is nothing wrong with exchanging a friendly
"hi have a nice day." with no strings or expectations attached.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone
Red I agree with what your saying and no he hasn't made an effort until recently and it's not even an effort. He was trying to play me. I haven't replied and I won't because I know he will either not reply or say sorry I shouldn't have sent that or some other nonsense once he knows he's hooked me back in. The text didn't mean anything and was in no way any effort.
I sat last night and emailed my solicitor with the amendments to my cross petition so it's gone. I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. Hopefully it will be submitted to the court soon and he will get his copy.
Red I agree with what your saying and no he hasn't made an effort until recently and it's not even an effort. He was trying to play me. I haven't replied and I won't because I know he will either not reply or say sorry I shouldn't have sent that or some other nonsense once he knows he's hooked me back in. The text didn't mean anything and was in no way any effort.
I sat last night and emailed my solicitor with the amendments to my cross petition so it's gone. I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. Hopefully it will be submitted to the court soon and he will get his copy.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Spoke with solicitor and he still hasn't responded to letters they've sent some to his home address so yip that's why he's being so nice!!
The solicitor suggested that I speak to him about responding and trying to move the divorce on?? If he doesn't respond then we will have to issue court proceedings to sort out the financial issues..
I don't know if I should contact him about it surely that's not my responsibility it's up to him whether he wants to respond or not, he's not my responsibility any more. The divorce will still go ahead it will just take a bit longer.
Should I contact him and try to encourage him to respond or should I just let the solicitor do their job and let him deal with the consequences.
The solicitor suggested that I speak to him about responding and trying to move the divorce on?? If he doesn't respond then we will have to issue court proceedings to sort out the financial issues..
I don't know if I should contact him about it surely that's not my responsibility it's up to him whether he wants to respond or not, he's not my responsibility any more. The divorce will still go ahead it will just take a bit longer.
Should I contact him and try to encourage him to respond or should I just let the solicitor do their job and let him deal with the consequences.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Well done--sending you a big hug 
How's the yoga? That really helps me during difficult times. . .
*By the way, since you are making difficult calls, make another one to fire that so-called therapist
and ask for another one
How's the yoga? That really helps me during difficult times. . .
*By the way, since you are making difficult calls, make another one to fire that so-called therapist
and ask for another one
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone.
Hawkeye I haven't been able to attend my yoga class or the other classes I've recently started the last 2 weeks I've a chest infection and haven't felt too well. Typical really I take 2 weeks off work and I get sick on my second course of antibiotics. Hoping to get back to class next week, I miss it!! And yes I've requested .a new counsellor, gotta go back on the waiting list.
Hawkeye I haven't been able to attend my yoga class or the other classes I've recently started the last 2 weeks I've a chest infection and haven't felt too well. Typical really I take 2 weeks off work and I get sick on my second course of antibiotics. Hoping to get back to class next week, I miss it!! And yes I've requested .a new counsellor, gotta go back on the waiting list.
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Butterfly
What he does or doesn't do is his responsibility not mine!!
So true Butterfly!!! Very inspiring and wise words. Good for you for telling them you don't want to contact him. Getting touch with him yourself will either evoke a sh/t show or encourage him to get in your head - neither of which is a good scene.
Thinking of you!
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