megsykreeg

Well it's been three weeks now that my ah has been out of the house and drinking. He's wasted over $8k now on hotels, booze and women. Been to the hospital 4 times but has yet to get past the three day mark of detox. It's so heartbreaking. My almost two year says she misses daddy and to call him. I've mostly cut off contact because of the emotional roller coaster. It's so hard. I dread every time the phi e rings that I'm gonna find out he's dead. A friend was able to chk on him yesterday. He's alive. I just don't know what it will take for him to get help. I'm mostly venting and would really appreciate no harsh comments.

AnvilheadII

8 grand in three weeks? any way to slow the bleeding there?

happybeingme

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice but I do suggest you protect yourself from the financial crisis.

Be strong and keep your little one away from him for now. He is in no shape to be a dad. It's best if she doesn't see the mess.

megsykreeg

I've closed the joint checking accounts and will not pay the credit cards that are solely in his name. He doesn't have the credit cards that are in my name so we're good there. Hoping actually that he gets arrested. Will be a lot better since he keeps leaving the hospital.

happybeingme

I think it might be a good idea at this point to think long and hard about what you want in life. This man has abandoned you and your child. He is drinking and cheating on you. Could you ever trust him again? Could you stay with him if he gets AIDS or Hep C? He is on a path to total self destruction. What are you going to do if he does wind up in jail, disabled from a car wreck, or getting another woman pregnant? I worry about you and your baby. Can you take care of the two of you alone?

FeelingGreat

hi megsy, he's using his 'freedom' to do all the things he dreamed of, and I bet it's a living nightmare. Talk about burning your bridges. I don't think he'll kill himself though, apart from an accident, but I hope he drinks enough to get himself into a hospital where he has to detox for medical reasons.
Congratulations on taking steps to protect yourself financially, but I don't remember whether you've consulted a lawyer? Reason being that just refusing to pay his credit cards might not be enough; for instance they could come after the house.
Are you still determined to keep your marriage together? Not judging you, just wondering if the last few weeks have changed your mind?

redatlanta

I'm so sorry Megsykreeg. You have done what you can do. ((((hugs))))

LexieCat

His medical bills may be your responsibility, if he kills someone else driving drunk in a car in your name you could be sued, and yes, his creditors could come after joint property.

As long as you're legally tied to him you are at risk.

I'm not quite sure what you think is going to happen that will make this all work out the way you're hoping.

hopeful4

I am just going to jump in and let you know I am praying for you and your baby. Please take steps to protect yourself. Much love and many hugs.

maybear

FeelingGreat is right. He is using this time to ruin himself, not to mention completely sabotage your marriage and any future you may have.

Maybe he can't deal with the responsibility of it all. Maybe he has spiralled and feels he might as well keep going because of the mess he has made.

He doesn't have the capability or tools to 'fix' the mess like you would expect one to have when the loss of their family depends on it - not good traits for a life partner. He isn't/can't be what you want him to be.

I totally understand where you are right now and I know it's hard to accept the reality. I don't know how you could ever forgive him for the abandonment and cheating even if he did get sober. Do you think you could?

You are your children deserve so much more. That doesn't mean that your husband is a terrible person and that he won't have remorse for his actions, but it is not in your or your children's best interest to be with him. It's good that you are limiting contact.

I really do understand how you feel as I have been there myself. I thought I would never shed the fear/shame/heartache of leaving my husband and everything that came along with it. But it is surprising how far you can come when you start take small steps towards peace and happiness.

Bernadette777

Megsy,

You & your baby are in my prayers. God bless and protect you both. Be blessed & safe. Love, Bernadette777

atalose

We can take the hard road and wait for someone else to open their eyes and get it, or we can take the easy road and simply open our own.

My experience was the hard road waiting for him to hit bottom while I was already there emotionally, physically and financially.

It’s not an easy road and I hope you find your way. ((hugs))

megsykreeg

He's back at the hospital detoxing. Said he's willing to get long term help. I'll believe it when I see it. He hasn't had a car so crashing it won't happen. We'll see what happens. Today's the third day of detox and usually when he runs again.

As far as forgiveness goes. Part of me feels it's unforgivable and part of me knows it wasn't him. I am waiting a little longer. If he runs again I'm gonna have to make even tougher decisions. Just not ready for that now. I've settled more into a routine with my daughter and finding some joy.

happybeingme

I think you need to take a long hard look at reality. No matter how drunk or high he has been this behavior is all him. It's baloney to blame it on the booze. The booze didn't make him leave you, cheat on you or spend all that money. That was all him.

ladyscribbler

I gave alcohol way too much credit for my ex's unacceptable behavior. I forgot there was a man behind the bottle, making the decision to behave the way he did, making the decision to continue drinking. Trying to have a relationship with the man I thought he was when he was sober just kept setting me up for disappointment, heartbreak and another ride on the roller coaster of alcoholism and abusive behavior.
Sometimes what we want and what's best for us aren't the same thing. I stayed stuck and miserable as long as all my solutions to the problems in my life revolved around him deciding to get sober. It seemed so easy, so obvious. All he had to do was quit drinking and we could settle back down as a family, the way things were supposed to be.
Sending you hugs and strength Megsy. I'm sorry you're going through this. Take care.

Liveitwell

I second what Lady says above-he is responsible for his actions. He knows exactly whst he's doing...and knows you'll still be there when he cries that he needs help. My ex did the same thing...and I bought it for a little bit but when my eyes were opened and I told him, NO, all hell broke loose...bc it was all a ruse. Megsy, please take care of yourself and your kiddo...this man is bad news any way you look at it. Sorry if I was harsh, just being real.

Hangnbyathread

Let me tell you what I did to help me sleep at night. When I realized I was with an alcoholic, I took steps to protect myself from loss. We weren't married, we didn't share accounts etc. but if anything were to happen I was still concerned that I would be exposed to some legal implications. For instance, she hit someone while drunk, she is living with me, my house has value. Attorneys will sue anyone with money that comes in contact with anyone causing harm to someone else.

You being married, this will certainly expose you even more.

I talked to my insurance agent. Didn't say I was with an alcoholic, just said 'What if" scenarios. I got an umbrella policy. Very reasonable priced for a LOT of "what if" coverage. That way if God forbid something did happen. Say for instance, someone was at my house drinking with her, without my knowledge (don't laugh it happened frequently), and they fell and broke their neck, they would come after me somehow for something. It happened on my property so I would be a target.

Sad to have to take steps like this, but trust me, the way he is living can go down VERY VERY bad for you if he hurts someone.

Bernadette777

Wow, are we all involved with the same guy??? It's uncanny, I could of written Lady's post. God bless SR. Luv, B.

Liveitwell

^^^ Ha ha!!! I sometimes feel that way-it's so sad isn't it...literally, it's like there is a manual called "how to be an alcoholic" that they all buy-and for us..."how to be a crazy codependent controlled by fear"....we, and they, all follow the same script until we break free towards healing.