Some advice please - long 1st thread!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Dublin - Ireland
Posts: 7
Some advice please - long 1st thread!
Hi All
My first post and I will try and keep this as short as possible but I really need some guidance and it will take a while to explain my situation.
My 52 year old partner of 18 years is becoming increasingly alcohol and drug dependent. When we met she was a bit of a party animal and before we had our son (now 13) we used to do a fair bit of social drinking together. After he was born we went out much less and bar the occasional blowout she seemed content to drink “normally”! She has always used a lot of “over the counter” pain relief drugs particularly Solpadine (which contains Codeine) for headache relief. However over the last couple of years her drinking and drug intake have increased dramatically. She drinks most days - during the week this is usually just a couple of glasses of wine in the evening but at the weekend she will regularly go on 8-10 hour sessions. It’s as if she has an inbuilt switch – everything is fine for 2-3 drinks and if it’s just the two of us she can go home happily enough but if she’s with a crowd she will just keep drinking until everybody else has stopped (sometimes even moving location if she knows there are other people there to drink with). She has started to meet up with a crowd of guys who are all very heavy drinkers and the pub that we tend to socialise in is one where heavy drinking is the norm rather than the exception. She is also using cocaine on a regular basis, although she denies this, and the Solpadine intake has increased to 8-10 tablets a day. She was on prescribed anti-depressants until recently but has now stopped and has been switched onto HRT by her doctor. On the positive side, my partner mainly functions very well, she is a great mother to our amazing son and holds down a high pressure sales role with a large corporation. She knows she drinks too much but doesn’t seem to consider it a big problem and feels that she needs to “cut down a bit” but flat out refuses to consider giving up for a while.
Our arguments over the years have always been around my partners drinking and our relationship is not in a great place at the moment – we sleep in separate rooms and are living alongside each other rather than with each other. However I now realise that our problems are not all to do with her drinking – we have major communication issues and I have also developed some classic co-dependency traits and have become obsessed with trying to control her drinking and behaviour. I have been making some solid progress in letting go of these controlling instincts but I don’t always manage particularly if I’ve had a couple of drinks myself! We are trying to get our relationship back on track and have agreed to go out on regular “date nights” together but we always seem to end up in the same place. Day to day everything is fine but whenever there is drink involved everything goes pear shaped! Last Saturday was typical – we went out together to see a band playing in a pub that we don’t usually go to. We had a few drinks and were having a really nice evening until some people that my partner knew arrived. We went over to say hello, the place was jammed and she sat down at the only available seat at their table and left me standing on my own surrounded by people I’d never seen before. After a while (20 minutes I guess) I got annoyed and told her I was going to head off – she told me to suit myself. I went home, let the babysitter go and went to bed – she fell in the door hours later! Another night ruined! I must emphasise that she would never be so inconsiderate if she hasn’t been drinking.
I have come to terms with the fact that my partner will only stop drinking when she’s ready and that this is completely outside of my control, and frankly I think she is a long way from making that decision. But what I don’t know is how I should behave around her drinking. Should I refuse to go anywhere with her if she is going to drink, in which case we would basically never do anything together - she has made it clear that she has no interest in doing anything socially that doesn’t involve drinking! Should I just go home whenever it becomes obvious that she is going to go on a bender, there is no point in trying to have a conversation at that stage it just turns into a row. Or should I just give up on our relationship for the moment and just go into “survival mode” and hope that she will realise soon that she needs to control her drinking for all our sakes?
Apologies for the length of this post and many thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read it all - I’d be very grateful for your feedback! I feel like I’m constantly walking on a tightrope and have no idea where to turn!
My first post and I will try and keep this as short as possible but I really need some guidance and it will take a while to explain my situation.
My 52 year old partner of 18 years is becoming increasingly alcohol and drug dependent. When we met she was a bit of a party animal and before we had our son (now 13) we used to do a fair bit of social drinking together. After he was born we went out much less and bar the occasional blowout she seemed content to drink “normally”! She has always used a lot of “over the counter” pain relief drugs particularly Solpadine (which contains Codeine) for headache relief. However over the last couple of years her drinking and drug intake have increased dramatically. She drinks most days - during the week this is usually just a couple of glasses of wine in the evening but at the weekend she will regularly go on 8-10 hour sessions. It’s as if she has an inbuilt switch – everything is fine for 2-3 drinks and if it’s just the two of us she can go home happily enough but if she’s with a crowd she will just keep drinking until everybody else has stopped (sometimes even moving location if she knows there are other people there to drink with). She has started to meet up with a crowd of guys who are all very heavy drinkers and the pub that we tend to socialise in is one where heavy drinking is the norm rather than the exception. She is also using cocaine on a regular basis, although she denies this, and the Solpadine intake has increased to 8-10 tablets a day. She was on prescribed anti-depressants until recently but has now stopped and has been switched onto HRT by her doctor. On the positive side, my partner mainly functions very well, she is a great mother to our amazing son and holds down a high pressure sales role with a large corporation. She knows she drinks too much but doesn’t seem to consider it a big problem and feels that she needs to “cut down a bit” but flat out refuses to consider giving up for a while.
Our arguments over the years have always been around my partners drinking and our relationship is not in a great place at the moment – we sleep in separate rooms and are living alongside each other rather than with each other. However I now realise that our problems are not all to do with her drinking – we have major communication issues and I have also developed some classic co-dependency traits and have become obsessed with trying to control her drinking and behaviour. I have been making some solid progress in letting go of these controlling instincts but I don’t always manage particularly if I’ve had a couple of drinks myself! We are trying to get our relationship back on track and have agreed to go out on regular “date nights” together but we always seem to end up in the same place. Day to day everything is fine but whenever there is drink involved everything goes pear shaped! Last Saturday was typical – we went out together to see a band playing in a pub that we don’t usually go to. We had a few drinks and were having a really nice evening until some people that my partner knew arrived. We went over to say hello, the place was jammed and she sat down at the only available seat at their table and left me standing on my own surrounded by people I’d never seen before. After a while (20 minutes I guess) I got annoyed and told her I was going to head off – she told me to suit myself. I went home, let the babysitter go and went to bed – she fell in the door hours later! Another night ruined! I must emphasise that she would never be so inconsiderate if she hasn’t been drinking.
I have come to terms with the fact that my partner will only stop drinking when she’s ready and that this is completely outside of my control, and frankly I think she is a long way from making that decision. But what I don’t know is how I should behave around her drinking. Should I refuse to go anywhere with her if she is going to drink, in which case we would basically never do anything together - she has made it clear that she has no interest in doing anything socially that doesn’t involve drinking! Should I just go home whenever it becomes obvious that she is going to go on a bender, there is no point in trying to have a conversation at that stage it just turns into a row. Or should I just give up on our relationship for the moment and just go into “survival mode” and hope that she will realise soon that she needs to control her drinking for all our sakes?
Apologies for the length of this post and many thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read it all - I’d be very grateful for your feedback! I feel like I’m constantly walking on a tightrope and have no idea where to turn!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
CdeLight, welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here--there's a lot of experience, strength and hope shared on this site, and I hope you find the support you need.
First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation, and let me assure you that everyone here "gets it"--we've all walked in your shoes. If you can, take some time and read around the forum as much as possible. You'll get a good overview of what alcoholism looks like and what its effects are, both on the A as well as those around him/her. And I bet you'll read a lot that sounds awfully familiar to you...
Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of wisdom distilled in those threads. This might be a good one for you to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
In addition to all of us online here at SR, I'd recommend you look into some face-to-face support also. Alanon is a great resource. Between Alanon and SR, I've made a lot of progress myself (altho there is still a long way to go!).
I hope you keep coming back to read and post. As I said, everyone here understands what it's like to live w/an active A, and we are all here for you. Wishing you strength and clarity as you start to find your path.
First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation, and let me assure you that everyone here "gets it"--we've all walked in your shoes. If you can, take some time and read around the forum as much as possible. You'll get a good overview of what alcoholism looks like and what its effects are, both on the A as well as those around him/her. And I bet you'll read a lot that sounds awfully familiar to you...
Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of wisdom distilled in those threads. This might be a good one for you to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
In addition to all of us online here at SR, I'd recommend you look into some face-to-face support also. Alanon is a great resource. Between Alanon and SR, I've made a lot of progress myself (altho there is still a long way to go!).
I hope you keep coming back to read and post. As I said, everyone here understands what it's like to live w/an active A, and we are all here for you. Wishing you strength and clarity as you start to find your path.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are going through all of this but am glad you found us. Alcoholism is a progressive illness. It will get worse and may never get better. The thing you have to do is decide what you are willing to live with and what you aren't. It doesn't sound like much fun for you if all of your time together is spent in pursuit of drinking. If this isn't what you want than don't do it. You absolutely have a right to say you won't participate. But, you are probably going to be spending a lot of time at home or you need to find things to do by yourself or with other like minded people.
Above all else take care of yourself and your child. Despite what you may think if your partner is doing drugs and alcohol it is affecting her ability to be a good parent and employee.
Above all else take care of yourself and your child. Despite what you may think if your partner is doing drugs and alcohol it is affecting her ability to be a good parent and employee.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
The elephant in the room is the drinking. Until the drinking is addressed the other issues in the relationship cannot be. There is no communicating with an alcoholic that produces long term results as the drinking will always come first.
As to her behavior in leaving you to hang with the party crowd and so forth, this is not because of the alcohol. Alcohol doesn't make someone rude per se. This is more about the progression of the disease and the importance of the drinking. While it would seem logically to attribute bad behavior to when she drinks, and good behavior to when she does not, in truth she is just one person, not two, and this is who she is.
You do need to sort through some boundaries with her. Yes, I would say given that your nights out together are resulting in an unpleasant evening, I would not be going out with her anymore.
As to her behavior in leaving you to hang with the party crowd and so forth, this is not because of the alcohol. Alcohol doesn't make someone rude per se. This is more about the progression of the disease and the importance of the drinking. While it would seem logically to attribute bad behavior to when she drinks, and good behavior to when she does not, in truth she is just one person, not two, and this is who she is.
You do need to sort through some boundaries with her. Yes, I would say given that your nights out together are resulting in an unpleasant evening, I would not be going out with her anymore.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It sounds like she really has no desire to change & that perhaps it can be said that she never really did - trading off addictions or substances every so often but never really sober, right?
You've gotten great advice already; figuring out what your boundaries are will really help you get a sense of what you're willing to tolerate & in what way. There's NO predicting how fast she'll spiral in her progression, your best bet is to arm yourself with education on addiction & tools to help you cope. Welcome to SR!
You've gotten great advice already; figuring out what your boundaries are will really help you get a sense of what you're willing to tolerate & in what way. There's NO predicting how fast she'll spiral in her progression, your best bet is to arm yourself with education on addiction & tools to help you cope. Welcome to SR!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She's an ex. I'm not quite sure how any of this has anything to do with you.
Unless you have some deep, abiding bond with her son, I'd suggest you put OUT of your mind any thoughts of your doing ANYTHING about this situation.
Unless you have some deep, abiding bond with her son, I'd suggest you put OUT of your mind any thoughts of your doing ANYTHING about this situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Dublin - Ireland
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
She's an ex. I'm not quite sure how any of this has anything to do with you.
Unless you have some deep, abiding bond with her son, I'd suggest you put OUT of your mind any thoughts of your doing ANYTHING about this situation.
Unless you have some deep, abiding bond with her son, I'd suggest you put OUT of your mind any thoughts of your doing ANYTHING about this situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Dublin - Ireland
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by FireSprite
It sounds like she really has no desire to change & that perhaps it can be said that she never really did - trading off addictions or substances every so often but never really sober, right?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I deeply and sincerely apologize. I thought I was replying on a different thread and posted here by mistake.
I'll try to post a more thoughtful, real reply later.
Again, sorry for the mixup. You will get great advice from others here who are less distracted at the moment.
I'll try to post a more thoughtful, real reply later.
Again, sorry for the mixup. You will get great advice from others here who are less distracted at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Dear CdeLight
The only thing that has allowed me to work with someone this deep in dangerous addiction, completely covering up in denial, was Spiritual Healing, to create an opening to work with. Still it is up to them to deal with their process. Most people can barely handle their own, they can't take on someone else's. I don't recommend you try to take on this which requires real deep professional or spiritual expertise that very few people have.
I posted some references for the really deep spiritual healing therapy, some free resources I recommend for further medical research and development, at spiritual-healing.us
I have used these methods to help 2 friends that were dangerous in the deep end, and could have endangered me if they dragged me down with them.
You are not an advanced lifeguard that can jump in and save people from drowning, they will most likely drown you with them. So stay out of the deep end where these people are stuck. Stay on level ground, you can throw them a lifeline but it's up to them to pull themselves to shore first. You can't rescue these people or you will go down with them. Call in the experts and leave it to them. Take care of yourself, you can watchdog your friend and call emergency help if it gets bad, but don't try to do the work yourself you're not qualified. Very few people can manage cases like this.
The only thing that has allowed me to work with someone this deep in dangerous addiction, completely covering up in denial, was Spiritual Healing, to create an opening to work with. Still it is up to them to deal with their process. Most people can barely handle their own, they can't take on someone else's. I don't recommend you try to take on this which requires real deep professional or spiritual expertise that very few people have.
I posted some references for the really deep spiritual healing therapy, some free resources I recommend for further medical research and development, at spiritual-healing.us
I have used these methods to help 2 friends that were dangerous in the deep end, and could have endangered me if they dragged me down with them.
You are not an advanced lifeguard that can jump in and save people from drowning, they will most likely drown you with them. So stay out of the deep end where these people are stuck. Stay on level ground, you can throw them a lifeline but it's up to them to pull themselves to shore first. You can't rescue these people or you will go down with them. Call in the experts and leave it to them. Take care of yourself, you can watchdog your friend and call emergency help if it gets bad, but don't try to do the work yourself you're not qualified. Very few people can manage cases like this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, that's what I get for posting while distracted (not as bad as some of the things I posted drunk, back in the day--more than seven years ago).
Cde, your instincts about your wife's need to make her own decision about getting sober are correct, and I just want to second the suggestion that you find an Al-Anon meeting. Alcoholism is progressive, as you've already seen--throw in the drug use along with it and she could have a rapid downward spiral at any time.
You can be sure that your son is being affected by the tension at home and his mom's erratic behavior, whether he shows it or not. There is Alateen for him, if he's willing to give it a try.
Your questions about what you "should" do when it's obvious that she's going to get out of control on a given occasion are best answered by thinking about what will be best for you. You can't "train" your wife to drink less by behaving in a certain way, but you can think about where you want to make your boundaries to minimize the effect of her behavior on you. That might mean avoiding going to places with her where she's likely to drink, or leaving when her behavior is about to become inappropriate. There are no "rules" other than those that protect you.
Another helpful strategy is detachment, which you can use to avoid arguments by not engaging with her when she has been drinking.
Ultimately, everyone's tolerance for continued life with an alcoholic or addict is different, but to the extent you can get the focus off her and what she's doing, and onto you and what you are doing, and can do, to make a better life for yourself and your son, the better off you will be. I hope you will give Al-Anon a try.
Cde, your instincts about your wife's need to make her own decision about getting sober are correct, and I just want to second the suggestion that you find an Al-Anon meeting. Alcoholism is progressive, as you've already seen--throw in the drug use along with it and she could have a rapid downward spiral at any time.
You can be sure that your son is being affected by the tension at home and his mom's erratic behavior, whether he shows it or not. There is Alateen for him, if he's willing to give it a try.
Your questions about what you "should" do when it's obvious that she's going to get out of control on a given occasion are best answered by thinking about what will be best for you. You can't "train" your wife to drink less by behaving in a certain way, but you can think about where you want to make your boundaries to minimize the effect of her behavior on you. That might mean avoiding going to places with her where she's likely to drink, or leaving when her behavior is about to become inappropriate. There are no "rules" other than those that protect you.
Another helpful strategy is detachment, which you can use to avoid arguments by not engaging with her when she has been drinking.
Ultimately, everyone's tolerance for continued life with an alcoholic or addict is different, but to the extent you can get the focus off her and what she's doing, and onto you and what you are doing, and can do, to make a better life for yourself and your son, the better off you will be. I hope you will give Al-Anon a try.
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