consequences...

Old 08-28-2015, 03:52 PM
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consequences...

My heart is aching for my sister tonight. She has struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction for most of her adult life. A couple years ago, she started to turn things around. She went through a very painful detox from opiates and suboxone, left her son's father, who was an addict, and went back to school. She has been doing terrific in her grad program, getting straight As, and this coming year she is supposed to do a practicum. She got hired and was SO excited and proud, and she went in for orientation and was introduced to the staff, and then they called her out in the middle of the day and said that they were going to have to let her go because of a 10yo misdemeanor drug charge. She says that she was totally up front with them about the charge when they hired her and that a few people in HR assured her that it would be fine, but apparently in the end the decision went against her. I feel so badly for her. I want to fix it, and am slipping into some CoD behavior, sitting here googling trying to figure out whether it's possible to get a charge expunged in her state. Sadly, it seems that it's not. I also realized something that she may not know--I think that I understand correctly that even though she took a plea deal, the original charges may still appear on her record? Anyway, I'm trying to take a deep breath and give her the dignity of dealing with this herself. I guess this just raises my fears that she will go back to her addictions. The truth is that I'm not even sure how sober she is, as she lives far away. I know that she has at least been drinking off and on in the past year. So I think about that, and then I feel that CoD guilt for doubting her when she needs someone who believes in her! Sigh, what a mess. And I have my own problems. Work, friendships, many things of my own that I need to attend to. Anyway, thanks for listening!
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Old 08-28-2015, 04:14 PM
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Jj...I can relate.

My sister and her hubby are full up opiate adds. Sis drinks on top, hub smokes pot on top. All day long.

They make it, w help from the state, her go getter son, and Dad. It is not good. It is going to come to a high pitched horrible crash sooner than later.

No advice for your sis from me. I told my sis about the educated help and understanding I got from here is all.

We have to take care of our selves first.

If my sis ever asked for my help it would be tough. My wife already told me, if my sister moved in, my wife would move out.
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Old 08-28-2015, 04:29 PM
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The original CHARGE would appear on her police record, but not as a conviction. I'm not sure what kind of program she's in--I can think of relatively few professions where a 10-y/o misdemeanor conviction would bar you from employment.

You might suggest to her that she meet with her academic advisor, who might be able to help her find another position, or to advise her how to handle this so it doesn't hold her back in the future.

It may be that this will be only a minor setback. Many, many employers are willing to take a chance on someone who has done amazing things to turn her life around.

Just let her know that you love her, are proud of her, and are sure that eventually she will succeed.
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Old 08-28-2015, 04:35 PM
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Thanks, Lexie and D! She is in a teaching program. I was really surprised that this would haunt her, too. She said that the HR people told her that they had to order the records and it would take 4-6 weeks, and that they couldn't make a decision until then, and meanwhile school is already starting, so I don't know how it will turn out. I don't know what the original charges were, but it may have included a felony. I hope it's a temporary setback! I'm hoping too that her advisor will help her figure it out! But you're right, Lexie, all I can do is let her know that I love and support her.
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Old 08-28-2015, 05:34 PM
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Other suggestions include talking with an attorney about the possibility of expungement or other options and/or exploring other career options that would still be open to her. For example, teaching at the college level rather than younger students, or working in education in some other capacity.

I hope she doesn't get too discouraged. In my own experience, often having one door close really does mean that other doors will open.
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Old 08-29-2015, 08:50 AM
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Yes, I read up on it a bit, and unfortunately her state only allows expungement if the person was not found guilty. So she might be able to get the original charges expunged, but not the one she pled guilty to. I think she will contact a lawyer and see. I really hope another door will open for her soon! She has been doing work that in one way or another involved working with kids for most of her life, so it would be tough for her to find a new path, but I will keep hoping that she finds the strength to do what she needs to do!
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Old 08-29-2015, 09:07 AM
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Glad you are on our side lexie....

Better addiction education early in life, would save so many souls...

Might put a damper on Budweiser.s profits...hmmmm...
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Old 08-30-2015, 01:32 PM
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Im so relieved to report that it was a temporary setback! It looks like they are taking her on after all, she will just have to wait until they get the administrative stuff done before she can actually work with the kids. Thanks for your support!
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Old 08-30-2015, 04:08 PM
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I'm glad it worked out for your sister!

I really appreciate you describing your CoD response to your sister's troubles. It helps me understand my CoD behavior a little bit better.
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Old 08-31-2015, 02:39 AM
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Originally Posted by jjj111 View Post
Thanks, Lexie and D! She is in a teaching program. I was really surprised that this would haunt her, too. She said that the HR people told her that they had to order the records and it would take 4-6 weeks, and that they couldn't make a decision until then, and meanwhile school is already starting, so I don't know how it will turn out. I don't know what the original charges were, but it may have included a felony. I hope it's a temporary setback! I'm hoping too that her advisor will help her figure it out! But you're right, Lexie, all I can do is let her know that I love and support her.
If she can't get hired on at other schools, why not try educational programs that might benefit from someone with her experience and background? some nonprofits or charter schools or community programs are geared for people either returning from prison or whose parents are, and the students benefit from teachers or mentors with similar backgrounds they can relate to.

i would try networking with prison reform groups; restorative justice programs such as: justice fellowship, prison fellowship, alternative to violence project; or any nonprofit or school program that deals with these issues head on. If they aren't looking to hire, maybe they can refer others that are. If she is not welcome in one group, maybe another would prefer her because she has overcome these issues.
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Old 08-31-2015, 05:22 AM
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Yay!! Great news!

I'm so glad for her--keep us posted!
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Old 08-31-2015, 07:14 AM
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Thanks so much, guys, it means a lot to know you're walking beside me! Emily, that's a great idea, if for some reason this job doesn't work out after all I will suggest to her looking into prison outreach.

And gleefan, glad my story is helpful. I think there are a lot of common elements of CoD behavior, whether it's with a sibling, a spouse, or some other friend/family member. My tendency is to want to control and fix. But I never was that powerful. Her current turnaround was certainly not because of me. I had detached from her by the time that she decided to detox and we were barely in touch. It has taken a long time for me to trust that she is doing better, and I still have my doubts. In any case, my efforts to help her were never very helpful. She is the youngest sibling, and has always felt a step behind and not as capable, and having her "together" sister trying to fix things only reinforced this. I try to remember when she goes through things like this that what she needs most is the dignity of being allowed to solve her own problems. But I don't think that's unique to siblings--in general, I think our efforts to fix can imply a kind of condescending belief that the person isn't capable of helping themselves, and a lot of addicts become very resentful over this dynamic!
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Old 08-31-2015, 07:22 AM
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Glad to hear this turned around for her!
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Old 09-01-2015, 02:03 PM
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Ugh, the saga continues. Apparently it was the school that told her to come back, but the HR people hadn't actually communicated with the school. So she was sent home again and might not get the job after all. I guess it's still unfolding and hope maybe it will work out in the end!

I got a name of a criminal lawyer for her from an estate attorney in her area that I worked with a while back. I guess there isn't much else I can do. So frustrating!
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