healthyagain

I should be happy, right? I went to see the attorney, he took our detailed info, mostly finances, he said that we could get an easy divorce without even having to appear in court. But as I was saying all these details (now, the date of marriage killed me, because I remembered our wedding, and my family, and how happy I was), I got all choked up. I did not have strength to pay the fee today (and I did have my credit card with me) and I said I'd come back tomorrow afternoon because I got so emotional and had to tell my husband that I'll go for it before I pay.

So I did tell him, just 30 min ago. Not any particular reaction. I told him I was sorry, and that I loved him, but that I simply had to do this. He said there was nothing he could do about it and thanked for telling him.

And I am crying my eyes out. I know I am choosing life, but damn, why could not he do the same?

So, I guess tomorrow is the day. I am just so devastated.

hopeful4

It can be really hard. Hang in there.

For myself, once I faced it and actually got the papers filed, there was some relief, I felt like I could put a whole lot of bad stuff where it belongs, in the past.

It's sad, but not nearly as sad as a future of staying together.

Many tight hugs! XXX

LexieCat

It's OK, you just bumped up against reality. You're doing the right thing.

Just because it makes you feel sad doesn't mean you should question the wisdom of the decision. Some tears and hurt now are a lot better than years of tears if you stay.

Hugs!

firebolt

I think the lists everyone recommends helps - a bunch of good reminders WHY you have to do this. Like you said - you are choosing LIFE! You are making this precious, short gift of time you have here worthwhile, healthy, better than it has been. Sad they can't do the same right now. ...but as you well know on that, all we can do there is pray or send our best wishes to them.

(((HUGS)))

Like Hopeful said, once you put the action in motion, I think you will feel tons better. I did. Not that there aren't hard moments - but you have a lot of support in place to walk with you through that

dandylion

healthyagain.....I think these are normal emotions for the situation. Believe me, this is not the first time that that lawyer's office has seen tears!

He is who he is. If he was a person who "choose life", you wouldn't even be in this situation.

There just comes a point that you have got to do what you have got to do......no matter how bad it hurts. Haven't you hurt enough, already?

March back in there, tomorrow and pay the fee.

This is the (necessary) short-term pain for the l ong-term gain.

I promise you that it won't always feel like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

healthyagain

I remembered our wedding day, like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful October day, and I was so damn happy. We went through so much crap to stay together. Yet, it is as if he thought that he was somehow entitled, that I would put up with alcohol and every rudeness forever.

And I was doing great at the attorney's, till he asked about the wedding date. But a woman gotta do what a woman gotta do. I did not move out for fun. I must keep remembering how terrified I was that night when I called the DV hotline, I must keep remembering THAT guy. But for some reason, we focus on nice memories, and suppress the darkness.

When we marry, we marry with thought that we are going to grow old together with that person. Have kids. Build a family. I wish I could just completely and utterly hate him. But deep down, I know I still love him and honestly only want the best for him.

Yeah, I'll pay that fee tomorrow. I'll focus on the bad memories too. I have lots of them unfortunately.

Rosalba

Ending a relationship is a form of bereavement, including if it's a bad relationship - and grieving is healthy and natural. In fact, the more deeply you grieve, the more quickly you can pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

Doesn't stop the pain ripping you apart whilst you're going through it, though. Just let yourself know 'This, too, shall pass', be gentle with yourself and gather every kind of support you need.

(((HUGS)))

Pia

Something I did was I had a list of the behaviors I never will have to deal with again from AH .

Example...
*Passing out in the bathtub almost drowning
*Lying
*Drugs etc..

Then I had another list of the behaviors I will not accept going forward.
*Lying
*Drugs
*Any past negative addictions
etcs..

This helps me when I feel low to think of what I am leaving behind and what I will not accept going forward.

Then I have another list of the things I am grateful for. Forsome reason doing these 3 list one after the other helps me alot.

*Sleeping in a nice comfy bed
*Getting great Sleep
*Peace and Quiet
*Calmness etc

You will continue to go through so many emotions one minute happy and then sad or visa versa this is normal and know that you are in withdrawal yourself and it is part of healing.

Sending you a big HUG..

wonderfullymade

I think its grief.....

My heart would ache so badly because I lost my husband

it gets better as you move forward so just take one step at a time!

healthyagain

Three months ago, I was so ready for this move, only no money. I guess he ALMOST sucked me back in. I was even thinking that if he stops/finds a treatment, we would get back together again and find a bigger place to live. Now this was only daydreaming as not only he did not stop, but was walking around drunk, with horrible body odor, trying to convince me he was cutting down. Of course I did not believe him, just kept getting annoyed again.

It is grieving, because in a way, I lost my husband. But I actually lost him long time ago. He made his choice, and I respected it. Now, It is time to move on. Figure out my own life, the address change, the finances, taxes, my little business. Then I go back and see my family. Haven't seen them for almost 7 years. My heart breaks for my father and my sister. Especially my father.

It is time to be strong again, and happy, and rediscover myself.

And thank you for being part of this journey. I always come here when I need some guidance and am about to stray.

BlackSabbath

Awesome words of support here! It's so heartbreaking, but you have to take care of you. Can you go no contact after this?

Hugs to you <3

Lilro

I must say, just to give you the heads up, even though I wanted the divorce it was still a very emotional and sad time for me.

^^^^^^^remember when I told you that yesterday? ^^^^^^^^^

I wasn't kidding! There is NOTHING wrong with you. It is only natural to grieve over a lost future. It's scary, uncomfortable, sad and so many other negative emotions when you finally realize the relationship is over. So I want you to cut yourself a break. Tomorrow is a new day, you will move forward when you are ready to move forward and not one minute sooner. You received a lot of great advise from the crowd. It will all be alright... We are rooting for you!
Try to get a good nights sleep,
Ro

healthyagain

I'll do my best, just let the attorney do his job. He said we probably won't even have to have a court hearing. So, I should really really celebrate tonight, when you think about it.

And I do feel way better at the moment. I just hate when I choke up like that in front of people. Never happened before.

Liveitwell

It is extremely hard. I bawled my eyes out after mediation day back in February abd cried after going to court to finalize the divorce. But I had shed so many more tears in my marriage that it didn't matter. If I had stayed with him I knew exactly whst my future was going to be...more crying due to HIS issues and demons and addiction-and wiping away more tears from my kids faces bc of the things their dad did. More than how much I loved him, and I did love him truly and purely, I loved God showing me I had to leave-for my sake and my kids. My ex is still the narcissistic addicted person he turned into. I made the right decision. You did too.

guava

(((Hugs))). Divorce is really, really hard. I wanted the divorce, knew it was the right thing to do and was still an emotional mess for the five months between the initial filing and the final hearing (plus about another month after. ) Totally understandable and totally okay to feel what you're feeling. But please know it gets better...a lot better and it does so pretty quickly.

Hang in there. Better times await.

redatlanta

I'm sorry HA. I have never known anyone who initiated a divorce that was high fiving anybody after the attorney meeting. Divorce sucks - but staying married in a bad marriage sucks worse.

Lots of (((hugs))),

Tansy

((hugs)) from me too. I got divorced too. I've been divorced nearly a year. In that time my exah has gone from functioning (up to a point) to going into detox 2 weeks ago and if he screws this up won't live much longer. He is a nightmare of a man now. The more I hear of his antics, the more glad I a m I got out and my boys are safe with me. It's not been easy. We'd been living apart 6 years and I thought I was over him and his issues but I still have days of waking feeling shaky and fragile, days I feel depressed and days I am full of anger. I had days I thought I was broken beyond repair.( I wasn't) I am alone but it's better then being with him. The good days outweigh the bad now. I am at the stage of hoping to meet someone else.

Meanwhile I have my boys, I do voluntary work with recovering addicts and homeless and I've made a lot of friends in my church and through the charities I volunteer for. There is life after an alcoholic partner

Liveitwell

^^ yes, there is life after an alcoholic partner!!!!! And it's real and good.

BlackSabbath

Thank you for sharing - very inspirational!!! I am having a whole week where I'm not sure how I'm functioning and pretty sure I have some kind of anxiety issues over my axbf so I'm really glad you are proof it does get better!!!

emilynghiem

Dear healthyagain
I'd be more worried about you if you DIDN'T have regrets and feel very deeply about this. That means you are a person of good conscience and the implications and consequences have deep meaning for you, you don't take this lightly, and shouldn't.

This is healthy and natural to feel loss and go through the stages of grief. I'd rather you feel this than suppress it where it blows up later, which isn't healthy and it's harder to handle.

I've been through triple grief processes where stuff had to be put on hold, and it isn't pretty when it finally blows up from the pressure. it is much much better to openly and freely let the grief, the regrets, the mixed thoughts and emotions flow in whatever order they come out.

In the longrun you will recover faster by forgiving and letting the stages pass like the sides of a storm, just let it blow through and don't fight to suppress the roller coaster whirlwind that might overwhelm you at times. These too shall pass.

If you look up TD Jakes speech on letting people go who aren't prepared to follow you through your path in life, it may make you feel better and give yourself credit for committing to your purpose and direction. The people who are meant to be with you and support you in each stage in life will come and go, just like characters in a script. If they are meant to be there they will, if they are not meant to be in your life they will exit. Your story is yours, and Life will send you the people, props, costumes and scenarios you need to work through the story and get to the happy ending as you go forward and grow, just like a story developing. There are more good things ahead, this is like a chapter in a novel closing, so a new one can begin.

Think of it like a graduation if it helps. You may be sad, you may miss the good times together, but you also know there are greater times ahead. So "take your time" to finish closure before you begin another stage. Life is moving forward and there will be better things in store.

Take care and congratulations in advance on your future successes.
I'm sorry you are sad, but just like graduation, it means you are moving up in the world to even greater things ahead. And more wonderful people will come into your life to share the next stages with you.

Hugs from Houston, Yours truly, Emily

pinterest.com/nettmthomas/td-jakes-quotes/
I couldn't find his whole speech, but I found small quotes from it.