Timetoheal12

Into a better man....
A dad has, as far as we know, stopped drinking since he knew he does have cirrhosis.
My mom was talking (just a few minutes ago) proudly about how she stood up for her children during all these years... and then she said that she knows that she made my dad change / that she influenced in this change by all the reasoning she's done with him in the past 30 years...
And... I dunno why but I got very mad. That's why I came here to vent.
I really doubt that one can change or make a person better....

healthyagain

In this case, most probably and definitely not. But do not get mad. There is nothing you can really do about it. Your mom is in a grave denial.

FeelingGreat

She probably waited it out until he came to his own conclusions. But I note that the turning point for him was when HE got sick, not the welfare of his family.

I hope she has some good years with him now as she deserves it.

jjj111

It must be so hard to see this situation clearly--to see that your Mom is in denial about all the misery she has put up with in her relationship with her Dad, and to see that your Dad has only stopped because he's seriously ill, and might not even stay stopped. But I'm glad at least that you're seeing clearly and not buying into your Mom's codependent beliefs. Good for you for accepting that it's not anyone's job to fix other people's addictions!

LexieCat

Your mom believes that because she needs to. You don't have to believe it.

And it's not your job to convince her that she's wrong, either. You know the truth, but it won't help anyone for you to argue about it.

Liveitwell

^^^ what Lexie said...it took a long time for me to understand this. Very true.

dandylion

TimeToHeal.......it is l ike she has totally "wiped away" the abuse that you kids lived through and the pain that it has caused in your l ives.
It is like your feelings are "invisible" to her....and that she has put your father before you kids..... Am I warm?

You have a right to be hurt....you have a right to be angry.....(the anger is really hurt, in this case , I think).

dandylion

Liveitwell

This happens a lot in alcoholic families, you know. Denial continues for generations. When my father in law passed away a few years ago from cirrhosis, I watched his son (my then husband) and his sister put him up on a pedestal and turn him into a saint...my father in law was an abusive drunk that wrecked his family and abandoned his kids in every way possible and a selfish person still looking to drink again as he died. Yet in my exs head he was now a saint-it was surreal to say the least. The denial continued.

hopeful4

Vent away! This is 100% correct. Just move forward taking good care of you!

firebolt

Mom is as sick as dad. I'm so sorry - but LOOK AT YOU!!!

YOU are breaking that cycle of denial. YOU have taken the steps to see reality. YOU see clearly. I hope mom and dad take your journey one day. Whether they do or don't, you're going to be ok!

atalose

Dad isn’t drinking – that’s good.

Mom thinks she’s the sobriety fairy – so let her think that.

I’m guessing here that the part that really may have you angry is your mom stating how she stood up for her children during all of those years……………maybe that is not so true and has you angry.

Once in an al-anon meeting a girl shared that she was angry that her mom was taking credit for her father’s sobriety when she has been the one coming to all the meetings not her mother. She was angry that her mother got him sober and she didn’t. (it was suggested she keep attending!! lol)

DoubleDragons

As almost any recovered addict will tell you, the only thing that gets us sober is ourselves. Outside circumstances can influence us (in this case, it sounds like your father's grave medical diagnosis), but in the end the only reason we pick true lasting sobriety is because we want it for ourselves.

I completely empathize with you. Honestly, my pathetically enabling father sometimes drives me crazier than my alcoholic mother does. I am not sure which is worse to deal with.

theuncertainty

Oh, man, Timetoheal. It felt like being hit with a sucker punch reading this:

I can only imagine how it felt for you. I'm so sorry.

Timetoheal12

Thanks everyone for your responses.
You are right, getting mad at her will not change the way she thinks, getting mad at her will not erase the absence/abuse my father put me trough, and getting mad at her will definitely not help me to achieve my goals.

However, it wasn't like I was hateful the rest of the day after she said that. I really took in consideration what you all had to say, and since I feel like I am finally feeling better about many aspects, I said to myself: "just let it go and keep going".

It worked, even if it sounds very simplistic. I am trying to be mindful about everything, and at the same time, I am letting myself to be more... Free? Yes, I used to take myself very seriously and now I don't, I give myself the permission to have fun, wich is good.

It feels like I'm young again. I haven't felt this way like for two years, since I got in the relationship with exabf....



I really admire many of you, and I'm very thankful for everything you have shared with me. Thank you!

emilynghiem

Dear Timetoheal
The only thing I've seen totally change someone into a new person
is prayers in Christ Jesus by a team of people not taking any credit.

If my friend Olivia and her prayer partner can practically bring people back from the dead with their healing prayers, and they take no credit at all but totally know it is God's will at work if people live or die and not their doing, then nobody can take credit for saving someone's life.

I try to give them credit and they refuse. They help people for free but it's not them, it's the divine forgiveness that allows the healing to go through that comes from Life, from God and Nature. They know it's NOT coming from them and are thankful people receive the healing that is greater than anyone can take credit for so they don't.

I find it ironic that the people who deserve the most credit are often the ones least concerned about it and just want others to get help.

Like Solomon and the baby, the mother most concerned about the baby and not about control proved herself to be the true mother who was even willing to sacrifice custody in order to save the child.

Eddiebuckle

Perhaps because you had hopes and expections for insight and growth rather than denial. Families are like a gear train - all wheels turning in synch, even those that apparently resist the status quo. It's very hard for one gear to change it's direction without clashing with the others. The illusion of control is very heard to shake.

emilynghiem

Dear TTH
It could also be she is trying to feel better after putting up with all this all those years. By telling herself it was worth it because it had some good effect, maybe she is trying not to resent what otherwise would not be worth all that trouble. That's a lot of stuff that you and she and everyone would have to deal with. Maybe she couldn't deal with it except to feel she was needed and helpful to him by lending support. And just being there.

Timetoheal12

Yes, I think this is possible.
However, I can't help but feel as if she sees this as a trophy, so I ask myself "what the hell happens with what you taught me about men?"

I know that right now is my responsibility to learn how to relate to them all over again, but to be honest, I'm pissed off.

atalose

Maybe use your mother as a warning and a not text book. Learn from her mistakes instead of repeating them.

emilynghiem

Obviously she is still learning, so how can she be the expert on what to teach you?

I also blew up in rage when I found out that the garbage my parents (and their parents) never fully resolved had somehow "repeated" like bad karma and endless remakes of the same bad song. i was FURIOUS.

Had I known these patterns repeated, I could have seen them coming and avoided them. but they weren't meant to be understand except by hindsight, and comparing and learning from experience. Only AFTER the same dysfunctional abusive relations repeated, could I get it and learn the lesson AFTER the suffering was extended one more generation.

Then I understood the buck stops here. The last generation is meant to see the end and breaking of the cycle, so no more garbage repeats!

It usually runs its course up to 4 or 5 generations before all the negative karma runs out of steam, or people forgive and heal it, or whatever. The point is it doesn't repeat after this, because the generation of people "pissed off" like you and me aren't going to let this happen again. There is a whole stage where we commit to sticking to what is right and healthy in relations, and no more of this abuse. No way, not after what we've gone through!

I was so freaked out, I vented and my family thought I had a "nervous breakdown" but I knew it was a spiritual process of feeling and working through generations of pent up suppressed garbage that had never been talked through much less worked out.

Your mother is still working through her part of the process.
We all have our own part to resolve, and the cycle is broken.

If that makes you feel better, as you release any anger you feel, then at least that much is cleaned up and out of the system. I had so much to vent out, it probably came from my dad's side of the family where he used to fly into rages and blow up. I had a few more blow ups like that, to release all the stress, and eventually it all blew over. There is no more rage left in the system. too old, been there, done that.

I hope anything uncomfortable you feel passes quickly and you can work on the more rewarding parts that bring you satisfaction and peace. The yucky feelings I'd rather do without, but understand all that needs to be released to exit the system. And then only the good throughts, ideas and memories remain. The bad feelings just have to vent and blow over to release them, and once they are forgiven they can be let go. Like a really bad storm that just has to blow over and it's gone, the sunny skies break through the clouds afterwards and we can all enjoy a nice day.

Take care and I hope you have a better time at it than I did. Gee whiz.
I tortured my poor mother and family yelling about all the garbage when I realized it was still being dumped and hadn't been resolved yet. Couldn't believe this would cause so much suffering, abuse I went through I realized could be prevented in the future, but was too late to change the past. i was stuck with cleaning up the garbage/bad karma that had landed on me like a hot potato I didn't ask for but burned me badly.

As the Dalai Lama said, when you lose, don't lose the lesson. The wisdom and understanding I gained from this helps me deal with problems in the future, so I am thankful for that advantage but hated what it took to get here. It took a lot of forgiveness prayer to be able to heal from that, keep the memories to study and learn from, but not the feelings that were attached. All those were let go, and just the understanding remains of the problems, their causes and solutions, so this can be beneficial.

My poor family, if you can imagine me blowing up in their faces. If they can forgive me for that, anyone can forgive anything, that was awful! Like a repeat of my dad, but me blaming it on them! If you are angry with your mom, I hope you can manage to find constructive corrective ways to resolve those issues with her, and I hope you do a better job than I did "yelling at my mother" where it took a Buddhist monk to mediate between us to stop us from fighting. A monk nominated for a Nobel prize by Dr. King Jr. is the one who sat down and talked with both of us about working out our issues separately. That's what it took for us to let go and work things out in peace instead of yelling about it.

So if that's what it took to counsel between me and my mom,
please don't feel bad.