It's all good - even when it doesn't feel so good - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Cadence57 · 09-01-2004, 05:47 PM

Well, we broke up last night.

He had been drinking and he was being a belligerent

We got into a conversation regarding an email I forwarded to him about dry drunks. Somehow the focus of the conversation got twisted around (as it always does when he's drinking) to ME. I finally got it back on course and I told him what I've learned from living with alcoholics, talking to recovering alcoholics, and life in general, it was summed up best for me by acouple of members here at soberrecovery.com: "A person can quit drinking but. If nothing changes, then nothing changes and he will continue to do the same things over and over again...... expecting different results. And that is the definition of "Insanity" Putting the booze down does nothing for how he feels, thinks, his actions or deeds. It does nothing for his resentments, fears, expectations, doubts and insecurities.... and "If nothing changes, then nothing changes."

We went around and around (I can't really say about what, because I don't remember! I tend to shut down when I'm stressed out and I was very stressed out and he was drunk enough not be making a whole lot of sense). I was on auto-pilot.

He made some remark about how, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't want me to "win," he'd call it off -- end it -- right now. I told him I'd save him the trouble and end it for him, because I know in my heart that I can not (WILL NOT) live with someone who drinks the way he drinks and, unless he quits and gets help, there's no future.. "Fine" he says, "Then you win anyway." I said, no, I don't win - neither of us wins, and it's really very sad

I'm surprisingly ok... at least for now. I'm sure I'll bawl my eyes out at some point but right now I'm still very angry at him... angry at his disease and the rationalizations and justifications and...
OH, I remember! I asked him why he drinks. "Boredom"
OK... I asked why, then, did he drink in NJ "I hated my job"
OK... Why'd you drink in California? Colorado? Nevada? (silence)
Then he says, "Maybe I have to drink in order to tolerate you" (I know he was being sarcastic but,Yes, that was the last straw) I told him he has lots of excuses to drink but what about reasons to NOT drink (like DUI, accidents, relationships etc) -- that's when he said that about ending it but not wanting me to "win" (how screwed up is that???)

Oddly enough, I am at peace... I know that I deserve more, I deserve better. I deserve a healthier and more satisfying relationship than he is able to offer me. I have dreams and goals and he's been a big part of them but the alcoholism is a deal breaker. We don't share the same perspectives and we don't place the same value on things (not tangible stuff, but things like honesty, truth, promises etc). He's too busy trying to justify why he doesn't have a problem, too busy drinking to participate in life, too drunk to be happy... I hope he gets help before it's too late - I really do, but he has this "superman mentality" and unless something or someone shows him the light, he will probably die a drunk. I think that bothers me more than breaking up...

God, I've been stupid. I think I'm angrier about that than anything... I kept wanting to believe in him even when it became obvious that he wasn't someone who could be believed. I wanted to love him but I don't think he's capable of giving love in return. There's not enough flexibility in his life or his thinking to make a relationship work - it's all about him - his way or the highway.
I chose the high way.

Oh well. Lessons are being learned, growth is expected to follow and change will be welcomed...
It's all good, even when it doesn't feel so good...

CrazyRed · 09-01-2004, 06:08 PM

The alcohol always wins.

brightlight · 09-01-2004, 06:34 PM

I have been yelling at my husband all day and he sat down and said can we work it out. He looked so childish? simple?, I do not know the word, but realized he really does not understand how I feel. He is doing the best he can and I called him on the phone a bit ago and told him that I have been acting bad by yelling and demanding he change. I have decided to take the good and the bad. I would never stand it if he was mean and do not think anybody should be in an abusive relationship. My husband works. The kids love him and he will probably go to the bar tonight because I am being nice. I had my tooth pulled and have taken some medicine that makes me sleepy, but he will leave me here to take care of the kids. LOL He did stop drinking for a few years and he just might stop again. I am going to start taking better care of myself and do more away from him. I have had such a bad day and realized I made myself this way, other than the tooth pulled, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

Maggie-May · 09-01-2004, 08:37 PM

Congratulations cadence!

I hope you continue the journey of self-recovery that you have started. I think that the choice you have made will likely make your future much easier. It's not easy to end a relationship and I commend you for having the courage to do so.

Our prayer at Al-Anon is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference". It sounds to me like you have embraced this motto. You are accepting the things you cannot change and you have had the courage to change what you can. I often pray for the wisdom to know the difference and just coming to this forum often helps me find the wisdom I need.

Good luck!
Maggie

Magichappens · 09-01-2004, 11:08 PM

((Cadence))
I am sorry it didn't work out. Don't let this stop the progress you have made.

Bightlight,
I understand your situation. Have you ever thought about Al-Anon? It has helped me find peace and healing. Hugs, Magic

cwohio · 09-02-2004, 06:43 AM

cadence - you truly have embraced the serenity prayer as maggie pointed out. i truly hope you are at peace and the other emotions will probably come but you have exhibited such strength and determination in your recovery.

thoughts and hugs to you

cwohio

talia · 09-02-2004, 08:56 AM

hugs to you cadence..

skyleh · 09-02-2004, 02:41 PM

I understand that "done" feeling so well - I can not say that it will be easy because mine keeps begging me to come back while is his drinking in his self pitty...but I am done so I am not faltering..at least not on the outside...but its tough still because he is still in my heart.

Good luck to you and remember you are your number #1. Take care of you.

givingup · 09-02-2004, 03:03 PM

So many times we make big choices with little thinking. Sounds like you took your time, thought through the pros and cons carefully, listened to your inner voice and took the action best for you. Congratulations on honoring your HP by honoring you. I'll be watching the posts to see updates on your journey.

Live Strong.

Cadence57 · 09-05-2004, 07:11 AM

Everyone,
Thanks for understanding and support. I've been MIA for a few days - just digesting the events of this past week. It's a shame - he's a good guy (when he's not drinking - and even when he is drinking... sometimes).

We've emailed back and forth. He wants to remain friends but I'm not sure. I am not sure there's enough room in my life for a friend that I know I can't necessarily trust to be honest. I'm not sure I can draw the line and disassociate from him and his drinking, emotionally.

Well, he's coming here (from MT) Friday and my birthday is Sunday. He's coming to get his car and then pick up his stuff in Chicago and taking it all to MT. I was supposed to take this trip with him and it hurts to the very core that I'm not going. It hurts to know that when he leaves, it will (in all likelihood) be for good.

I guess his being here will be a good time for us to talk and settle up (if that's even possible). One thing I've noticed (glaringly) over this past week as we've emailed back and forth -- virtually every issue I have addressed with him has a common denominator... booze. And virtually every response from him TOTALLY IGNORES the issue of alcohol. It amazes me that he can respond without addressing the issues.

:banghead: ARRGH

***Rella927*** · 09-05-2004, 07:19 AM

(((BigSuperHugsCadence))) I will send prayers to you to to help your already profound strength to get through the weekend!

Know there are others who do care and are here for you-just keep taking care of you sweetie!

09-01-2004, 05:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
Cadence57 Barn Goddess Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Southern NJ Posts: 252	It's all good - even when it doesn't feel so good Well, we broke up last night. He had been drinking and he was being a belligerent We got into a conversation regarding an email I forwarded to him about dry drunks. Somehow the focus of the conversation got twisted around (as it always does when he's drinking) to ME. I finally got it back on course and I told him what I've learned from living with alcoholics, talking to recovering alcoholics, and life in general, it was summed up best for me by acouple of members here at soberrecovery.com: "A person can quit drinking but. If nothing changes, then nothing changes and he will continue to do the same things over and over again...... expecting different results. And that is the definition of "Insanity" Putting the booze down does nothing for how he feels, thinks, his actions or deeds. It does nothing for his resentments, fears, expectations, doubts and insecurities.... and "If nothing changes, then nothing changes." We went around and around (I can't really say about what, because I don't remember! I tend to shut down when I'm stressed out and I was very stressed out and he was drunk enough not be making a whole lot of sense). I was on auto-pilot. He made some remark about how, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't want me to "win," he'd call it off -- end it -- right now. I told him I'd save him the trouble and end it for him, because I know in my heart that I can not (WILL NOT) live with someone who drinks the way he drinks and, unless he quits and gets help, there's no future.. "Fine" he says, "Then you win anyway." I said, no, I don't win - neither of us wins, and it's really very sad I'm surprisingly ok... at least for now. I'm sure I'll bawl my eyes out at some point but right now I'm still very angry at him... angry at his disease and the rationalizations and justifications and... OH, I remember! I asked him why he drinks. "Boredom" OK... I asked why, then, did he drink in NJ "I hated my job" OK... Why'd you drink in California? Colorado? Nevada? (silence) Then he says, "Maybe I have to drink in order to tolerate you" (I know he was being sarcastic but,Yes, that was the last straw) I told him he has lots of excuses to drink but what about reasons to NOT drink (like DUI, accidents, relationships etc) -- that's when he said that about ending it but not wanting me to "win" (how screwed up is that???) Oddly enough, I am at peace... I know that I deserve more, I deserve better. I deserve a healthier and more satisfying relationship than he is able to offer me. I have dreams and goals and he's been a big part of them but the alcoholism is a deal breaker. We don't share the same perspectives and we don't place the same value on things (not tangible stuff, but things like honesty, truth, promises etc). He's too busy trying to justify why he doesn't have a problem, too busy drinking to participate in life, too drunk to be happy... I hope he gets help before it's too late - I really do, but he has this "superman mentality" and unless something or someone shows him the light, he will probably die a drunk. I think that bothers me more than breaking up... God, I've been stupid. I think I'm angrier about that than anything... I kept wanting to believe in him even when it became obvious that he wasn't someone who could be believed. I wanted to love him but I don't think he's capable of giving love in return. There's not enough flexibility in his life or his thinking to make a relationship work - it's all about him - his way or the highway. I chose the high way. Oh well. Lessons are being learned, growth is expected to follow and change will be welcomed... It's all good, even when it doesn't feel so good... __________________ ~Marti~ Bless the moment, Trust yourself and Expect the best Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty & well preserved body -- but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming *"WOW -- WHAT A RIDE!!!"*

09-01-2004, 06:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
brightlight brightlight Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Detachment Posts: 201	I hope you have a good day. sm I have been yelling at my husband all day and he sat down and said can we work it out. He looked so childish? simple?, I do not know the word, but realized he really does not understand how I feel. He is doing the best he can and I called him on the phone a bit ago and told him that I have been acting bad by yelling and demanding he change. I have decided to take the good and the bad. I would never stand it if he was mean and do not think anybody should be in an abusive relationship. My husband works. The kids love him and he will probably go to the bar tonight because I am being nice. I had my tooth pulled and have taken some medicine that makes me sleepy, but he will leave me here to take care of the kids. LOL He did stop drinking for a few years and he just might stop again. I am going to start taking better care of myself and do more away from him. I have had such a bad day and realized I made myself this way, other than the tooth pulled, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

09-01-2004, 08:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
Maggie-May Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Western Canada Posts: 14	Congratulations cadence! I hope you continue the journey of self-recovery that you have started. I think that the choice you have made will likely make your future much easier. It's not easy to end a relationship and I commend you for having the courage to do so. Our prayer at Al-Anon is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference". It sounds to me like you have embraced this motto. You are accepting the things you cannot change and you have had the courage to change what you can. I often pray for the wisdom to know the difference and just coming to this forum often helps me find the wisdom I need. Good luck! Maggie __________________ Maggie

09-01-2004, 11:08 PM	#5 (permalink)
Magichappens Free As A Pig! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Let it begin with me Posts: 1,247	((Cadence)) I am sorry it didn't work out. Don't let this stop the progress you have made. Bightlight, I understand your situation. Have you ever thought about Al-Anon? It has helped me find peace and healing. Hugs, Magic __________________ Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. Eleanor Roosevelt There can be no friendship where there is no freedom. William Penn

09-02-2004, 06:43 AM	#6 (permalink)
cwohio Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Litterbox City Posts: 6,141	cadence - you truly have embraced the serenity prayer as maggie pointed out. i truly hope you are at peace and the other emotions will probably come but you have exhibited such strength and determination in your recovery. thoughts and hugs to you cwohio __________________ *Learn to write your hurts in sand. Learn to carve your blessings in stone! - Unknown*

09-01-2004, 06:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
CrazyRed Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Javatown Posts: 92	The alcohol always wins.

09-02-2004, 08:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
talia Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Dallas,TX Posts: 44	hugs to you cadence..

09-02-2004, 02:41 PM	#8 (permalink)
skyleh Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: on my way home Posts: 73	I understand that "done" feeling so well - I can not say that it will be easy because mine keeps begging me to come back while is his drinking in his self pitty...but I am done so I am not faltering..at least not on the outside...but its tough still because he is still in my heart. Good luck to you and remember you are your number #1. Take care of you.

09-02-2004, 03:03 PM	#9 (permalink)
givingup Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: somewhere safe Posts: 103	So many times we make big choices with little thinking. Sounds like you took your time, thought through the pros and cons carefully, listened to your inner voice and took the action best for you. Congratulations on honoring your HP by honoring you. I'll be watching the posts to see updates on your journey. Live Strong.

09-05-2004, 07:11 AM	#10 (permalink)
Cadence57 Barn Goddess Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Southern NJ Posts: 252	Thanks so much! Everyone, Thanks for understanding and support. I've been MIA for a few days - just digesting the events of this past week. It's a shame - he's a good guy (when he's not drinking - and even when he is drinking... sometimes). We've emailed back and forth. He wants to remain friends but I'm not sure. I am not sure there's enough room in my life for a friend that I know I can't necessarily trust to be honest. I'm not sure I can draw the line and disassociate from him and his drinking, emotionally. Well, he's coming here (from MT) Friday and my birthday is Sunday. He's coming to get his car and then pick up his stuff in Chicago and taking it all to MT. I was supposed to take this trip with him and it hurts to the very core that I'm not going. It hurts to know that when he leaves, it will (in all likelihood) be for good. I guess his being here will be a good time for us to talk and settle up (if that's even possible). One thing I've noticed (glaringly) over this past week as we've emailed back and forth -- virtually every issue I have addressed with him has a common denominator... booze. And virtually every response from him TOTALLY IGNORES the issue of alcohol. It amazes me that he can respond without addressing the issues. :banghead: ARRGH __________________ ~Marti~ Bless the moment, Trust yourself and Expect the best Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty & well preserved body -- but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming *"WOW -- WHAT A RIDE!!!"*

09-05-2004, 07:19 AM	#11 (permalink)
*Rella927* ¢σммυηιту gяєєтєя Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Spreading my wings Posts: 7,125	(((BigSuperHugsCadence))) I will send prayers to you to to help your already profound strength to get through the weekend! Know there are others who do care and are here for you-just keep taking care of you sweetie! __________________ Dance as though no one is watching you Love as though you have never been hurt before Live as though heaven is on earth.

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