cricket123

Need some advise
I have twin daughters who are totally different from each other. Twin One has health problems and learning disabilities. Twin two is healthy and in pre vet taking 15 credits a semester in college. And I have a 17 year old son who will be a senior this year (expensive year for paying for him this year)

Twin one thinks everyone should fall over themselves and do everything for her.

Twin two is hard working at studing and mildly attempted to get a job this summer(ended up not getting one and only volentreeing once in awhile at the zoo- needs an avg of 700 hr for vet school)

Twin 2 had some med bills I am paying and I made her an eye apt yesterday then told her that her dad puts $25 in an account her aunt set up for her, every 2 weeks and she can pay for the eye apt with that.

I feel like I might of blindsided her with the paying part. However I feel that she needs to start taking responsibility for some of these things. She will be 20 in a couple of months and has very little financial responsibilities. Won't even look for scholarships.

I'm not going to be able to keep paying for stuff much longer. How do I get twin 2 to understand that she needs to start taking financial responsibility for herself?

PS my second job is a retail job and I work with a lot of her high school classmates and they all talk of taking some responsibility for car insurance/school payments etc. it frustrates me that I can't get then to mature in this area.

Any advise?

Thanks
Cricket

PS stbxah thinks we should pay for everything or I should say he thinks I should pay for everything

FeelingGreat

The gentle art of encouraging teens to become adults has been the subject of many threads on many forums.
From my own experience I wouldn't count on any of them volunteering to do more or get a job, and nagging doesn't help much either. They dig in harder, and everyone just ends up hating each other. There are some things you can do to force the issue without nagging though.
When my DD was late teens and wouldn't help around the house (she was a student, not paying board), I stopped lending her the car. I just explained why calmly, no need to nag, and she actually understood! Do you have some optional things you're doing for them that you can withdraw? Running them places? Extra allowance? Some luxury you're buying? There's no value in threatening; just quietly act.

Another approach you can run at the same time is to do a full audit of your finances for the coming year. Income, outgoings, emergency fund.

1. Write it up in an easy to understand format, sit all 3 down (book their time out in advance), and go through it with them. Let them contribute estimates of their own costs.

2. Ask them for ways you can all save money. This could be on utilities, food, their personal expenses. Take all suggestions positively; at least they're trying.

3. With them helping, write up a list of jobs they can do around the house. Ask them what they consider a fair contribution which appeals to their better nature.

Hope some of this helps.

CodeJob

if you are working two jobs Cricket, it's time to put the family expenses on the table and what you expect them to do to pitch in. Show them a spreadsheet. Talk quite frankly that it is your job to launch them to independence. Then ask for their input. Set another meeting in one month to follow up. Then quarterly.

I pray they clean, care for the yard, run errands, cook, get groceries, make their own MD apps, take care of the car, etc.... With 3 young adults, you have a lot of hands to help out.

cricket123

Codejob

They do some but I feel like it is the very minimum possible. I know it is the environment right now with the stbxah undermining me. I'll keep working on it

FeelingGreat

It was a big surprise to me that my older children would take advantage of every concession or break in my resolve, but this seems to be what teens do.
It's hard on you being an enforcer all the time, so stick to things you can control like taking away money or car etc. You have to be firm because they will test you, and the more you give in the more they push. Everyone ends up unhappy.
Remember, no threats, no arguments, just enforceable action.

CodeJob

my kid is spoiled as an only. He gets an unfair amount of our resources. But he is not ungrateful. He knows how to pull his weight. And when he gets mouthy or crabby or whatever gets into these teen brains, I slap down the respect card. He's taller than me now but he knows who keeps this place afloat and who will be in his corner. I'm the B A M F!

cricket123

Sadly the stbxah has underminded me so bad that I have very little or no say in the respect card. Example twin 1 got up before me and went into my room(I'm sleeping in the girls room but all my clothes is in my bedroom.) and decided to sleep in the bed after x left for work. Well I got up and nicely told her she had to leave because I was taking a shower and getting ready to go to work. Well 1/2 hour later and many words she finally left mad. (I have some nerve wanting to use my room) and I'm sure the x has already heard about it. Lol I do not have much leverage as of yet. There will be a day in the near future.....

Sadly twin 1 is most like her dad, and he has made her totally dependent on him.

CodeJob

you can work this now Cricket. I'm sure some parenting books could help you start stating what your new reality is. You just have to have the energy to stick to whatever boundaries and rules you decide to enforce.

It is very tiring sometimes, so pick carefully. I listen to Eminem's 'Not Afraid' to gear myself up.

Lately I've been observing boundary problems at my job. My two docs want our practice to keep being a 'family.' We've got one drama queen and one passive aggressive running the place. I have managed to stay out of the DQ's issues. But the PA, she gets high off being a martyr. She works like a dog being indispensable yet the docs can't figure out that is how she has them over a barrel. The rest of the team is so tired of her hourly moody cycles. She bad mouths the MDs and the staff gets tossed in a lot of flotsam. They hired in a practice manager but claimed to us she won't 'be over us.' Yeah, she can sure do a lot of change with no authority... I'm waiting for them to learn its time our family had some rules of engagement. someone needs to sit at the head of the table. In their stead, the practice manager must be given authority.

In your family, that is you Cricket. You are the parent. Your law needs to be obeyed. If you are bringing in the resources, then you demand respect. You get to take a shower and dress in peace. Flip on the light, blast some music she doesn't care for and move her carcass out.