jarp

If anyone remembers me or read my update - its not looking good.

AH is back in active addiction. Not yet as fully immersed as he was, but headed that way. Its obviously crunch time for me.

I know no one can change this for me, and gosh only knows I would move heaven and earth to try...I am so worried about my son.

The sun shines from my AH as far as our son is concerned. He truly is adoring of his Daddy.

AH has been back in the family home since early November. My work became really intense, AH isn't working and so until he started drinking again he has been doing everything at home. So AH and son's relationship has deepened, as it has with my girls from my previous marriage. Even his slippery slope has been away from the kids, so they are not yet back to experiencing the unpredictability of their Dad when he is drinking.

I fully expect AH not to stay in our sons life. He is already talking about moving far away and having no contact. That it's better that I raise the kids on my own. Bastard.

Our son is doing to be DEVASTATED. He is only 6. He is going to feel this abandonment so acutely. My heart is literally breaking for him. I know I cant protect him from this pain, I can only support him...but a parent abandoning a child is SO big. Especially when its the parent who that child lives for. There is a book I have read several times now - The Primal Wound - which describes what happens to a person when they are abandoned by a parent... I feel like I can not bare the thought of my son going through this pain and what impact it might have on his life.

I cant even begin to think how I am going to explain this to my 6 year old. I know his Dad will just disappear...he wont even have the courage to say goodbye. One day my son is going to have a father, and the next he will not.

Help me be strong for the kids....what can I do to help my little boy?

happybeingme

Jarp, you have worked so hard on this I am sorry for your pain. I want to give you some advice though. Dont pay interest on borrowed worry. Nothing has happened yet and it may not. So, don't worry about a maybe. Worry about what is right now.

As a child of divorce who worshipped my dad I wish he had disappeared rather than deal with the active rejection I faced every Sunday during visitation like I did. It was soul crushing.

You do the best you can. You are a great mom and an awesome example for your kids. If and when the time comes you and the kids do therapy together and separately. You will all be fine.

Coles

I'm sorry. What a rough thing to go through. As mothers we always hurt the worst when our kids are hurting. You are right that there is nothing you can do to stop this... Maybe soften the blow by explaining to your son now that his dad is thinking about moving? Then it won't be such a total shock?
Comfort yourself with the knowledge that your son has a strong mama that loves him and he really will be just fine.

jarp

Thanks guys. I know I can't control it, but I don't know that he will be fine. And the pain of that feels really unbearable at the moment.

I came home tonight to overhear ah on the phone to a friend organising to pick him up from the airport...over 6000km away.

I need to let him go. There's no coming back from this ever. It's so final.

cynical one

Instead of future tripping about what might happen, is there a male role model that could start stepping up some now? Like a grandfather, uncle, coach, safe neighbor, friend? Is there a sport, art, music, scouts group etc. that he could start now to get him active in it. Being an abandoned child can be traumatizing, but with a healthy mom with the right words if the time comes, it can ease the void. Perhaps talk with a child psychiatrist soon to help prepare you if it becomes necessary.

FeelingGreat

Jarp, has AH gone beyond an appeal to him as a father? Surely he has some feelings for his son? Can you ask him to read The Primal Wound? Point out that he can still be in their lives even if he's drinking?
I find it hard to get my head around just abandoning your child like that.

FireSprite

((((((jarp)))))) It's hard to not future trip when it's about our kids. It's kind of part of the natural role we play - planning education, vacations & life events, etc. We dream of their graduations, weddings, successes.

Don't forget to factor in the stuff you CAN'T predict though. As much as DD struggled at times when RAH & I were separated, I was surprised that after the initial shock of change, her overwhelming emotion was relief. I never realized how much she had been walking on eggshells herself. Kids pick up so much more than our words or actions, especially our own kids. They are tuned to our every subtle difference. She was more fearful of the unknown and the ups & downs of dealing with his constantly changing behavior & unpredictability. She LOVED him, she MISSED him, but she was happy to be off the roller coaster.

I'm stunned that he's going to such an extreme lengths so quickly though, I can only imagine how your head is spinning. Are you able to schedule any extra counseling or meetings or anything for yourself?.... don't forget about YOUR oxygen mask, ok? ((((hugs))))

Liveitwell

Oh, jarp-sending you big hugs....and your little too! It is so hard to watch someone not have a care in the world and not know or care how their actions impact others-usually causing complete devastation. You are a good momma and I'm positive y'all will be okay. Just take care of yourself so you can take care of your son!!

Spacegoat

Wow, this thread. Well my mother was never around when I was younger whatever that means. I looked up the book you spoke of but its about being separated at birth? Worse yet, this situation reminds me of the situation with my own boy.

One day we were living together having a great time, I found out his mother was sleeping around and when I broached it with her she put on a gaslighting show, disappeared for a few days then sent her family up to ask me to leave.

Well, we didn't see each other for 2.5 years after that and there was little I could do about it, tried everything. Eventually I brought a court case which took 9 months to get a hearing and has only wrapped up (for now)

Worst part: I spoke with him on the phone after a year and he told me he thinks about me everyday in school, sometimes cries, and says a prayer to God every night that I am safe and that he will see me soon.

hopeful4

Oh Jarp, I know what a blow this is. I am so very sorry. I wish I had some good advise, but I second, get a good positive male role model in his life, ASAP. Blood, not blood, it does not matter. Just someone who is in for the long haul.

And counseling for everyone involved.

Many hugs and much love coming your way!

Refiner

Oh God Jarp. This is just so HARD. I'm so sorry. We are here for you.

Mango blast

jarp, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'll add in my encouragement about living in the present moment rather than future tripping. I've gone round and round in reading, learning about alcoholism, mental illness and so many other things and yet what is helping me the most is taking new small actions, living "as if" today was okay and especially doing thankful prayers with my 8 year old son. His favorite is A-Z things we're thankful for. He knows his dad is ill. I remind him the illness and symptoms of it are unpredictable and illogical. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and neither DS or I cannot cure it. His dad loves him very much. Love can't control or cure it either.

Your husband is hurting also and more disappointed in himself than anyone else can be. It sounds like he realizes he can't handle being a dad right now. He's in a life or death struggle and losing. It's his journey. Perhaps allow him that without adding more guilt and let him know that no matter what happens, you'd like him to stay a part of his son's life. No expectations; it may very well be beyond his capabilities.

Just as the loss of a father through death, having healthy family members, counseling (a licensed addictions counselor) and other role models will help to fill his life. If your husband recovers or not, if he stays in his life or not, these are still healthy components of a wonderful support network that can be built, one day at a time. It's okay for your son to not be okay all the time. He can learn it's okay to have feelings, emotions and thoughts. Those things are not the sum of him. They are only feelings, emotions and thoughts. It's okay to have them felt, and then move on.

It's okay for you to not be okay, too. You don't have to be strong all the time. I've found my Higher Power has lead me through some amazing places that I thought were going to be too terrible to get through and now I see them from a different viewpoint and have a new story I can tell about them.

Sending prayers for each of you, and an especially gentle and warm hug for you.

Ktf

SeriousKarma

This ^^^^^^

Jarp, what you're going through right now, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, was for me the worst part of life with my XAH. It was turning me into a very tightly wound basket case.

My daughter suffered from some serious anxiety when she was younger, and I took her to a therapist fully expecting them to tell me that it was all my husbands fault. It blew me away when the therapist told me that my daughter's anxiety was a result of, not so much her father's issues, but of her worrying about me. She loved her father greatly, but she needed me in a way that was far more central to her sense of security and well being. She was seeing me falling apart and it was freaking her out.

This was a wonderful wake up call. It meant that I actually had a little bit of control in the chaos that our lives had become. I started taking care of myself (There's that old oxygen mask analogy again.), and I let my daughter see that I was taking care of myself, in the hopes that she would benefit from knowing that I had a system in place, and people to lean on, if and when the poop hit the fan.

We've hit some rough spots, I'm sure there will be more to come, but I'm fairly happy with the way things are turning out. She's patched up some of the broken bits in her relationship with her father. She has very few expectations of him now, she just tries to enjoy the time they have together. For the most part she succeeds.

The point is that she's free to think of him what she wants, love, hate, trust, respect, disgust, whatever. Her security has nothing to do with him, and for a child security is the most important thing. Whether I wanted it or not, that job fell squarely into my lap. Once I realized that it made my job clearer, and perhaps a little easier too.

Take care of yourself Jarp. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I'm sending you and your whole family thoughts and prayers of serenity, and lots of (((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))

jarp

WOW this really, really hit me in the gut. This is SO SO right.

And at the core of my own co-dependency. I was always taught that it wasn't ok to have feelings, especially negative ones.

I am teaching my kids this.

And you are right. If he is not ok some of the time, it means he is not ok some of the time. Sitting with negative emotions is so important. It's not the sum and total being of him.

Thank you everyone.

Rosiepetal

Actions speak louder than words & he could just be saying that to hurt you.
There is not a lot you can do but wait & see & if he leaves then be the great parent you are & raise him on your own.
Hugs, I know its hard.

amy55

Jarp, I think you got a lot of good advice for you son, what I want to know is what about you?

How are you doing? I think we both know that BPD is difficult to handle.

I think that you are a very strong person. I actually admire your strength for handling the things that you are going through.

I do think your son will be OK, he has you.!!!!!!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

amy

Praying

Jarp, I so understand your concern. I agree about not future-tripping yet, but also think it's good to mentally prepare yourself on some level for what you would say, etc. to the kids. Everything I've read says that yes, abandonment is a wound, but if a child has one sane, good parent, they can fare very well in life regardless of the other parent. I believe this and have seen it in my sons. (Not done yet though, they're still teens!)

Still, I remember when XAH left, I had a phone call with him with a counselor on the line (at that point I couldn't have verbal contact without a third party due to his twisting and lies--I wouldn't)...and he said "you need to decide how you want me to be a part of their lives."

I said- nope, you need to decide that. He yelled "well, what do you want from me? Would it make you happy if I just walked away? What do you WANT?"

I said--No. What I WANT is for you to be the father they need, to be present, and to show them you put them first; to show them consistent love. But I don't think that's what you want to give, and frankly I'm not sure you can at this point. If they can't have that, then I'd like you to think long and hard about what you're honestly willing to give. No more broken promises and pretend attempts to show up. If you honestly can't do it, just back off for a while until they're ready, because you hurt them over and over again each time. They need time to heal. But this is your choice, not mine. At the end of the day, I want you to be a good father, and I will support your efforts, but I cannot do it for you.

He wanted to blame me for not doing it, or blame me for asking him to walk away. The counselor laid it out for him as his life and choices, and his relationship with them.

He chose "wrong" in my eyes... but I knew he would. Others here might disagree, but I thought my kids fared better when he wasn't pulling their strings all the time. It's still up and down now when they see him (a couple times a year), but in general, if that's all he has to give, I think it's healthier that they know it (based on his example, not anything I said). And I do often remind them he might be in a different place in the future.

Huge loss for him with all the changes going on. He's missing everything. But...better they knew earlier than later.

Just saying that as painful as it could feel, even if he leaves...it might be a good thing. All will be well in the end, I believe it.