Semi O/T - Adult ADD

Old 07-30-2015, 09:15 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Semi O/T - Adult ADD

For quite a while now, I've suspected that RAH suffers from undiagnosed ADD. It's a topic that we skirted around years ago when he was going through getting his hormones tested & supplemented for imbalances. At the time we did a quick online quiz to see whether it fit & he scored something like 90/100 for YES.... but in the process of everything else this piece got forgotten. In taking a full inventory of necessary changes, his health is high up on the list of important things to fix so this topic is coming up again.

I know that now we are able to diagnose this in kids much earlier & provide them with better coping tools, but I wonder if anyone also has experience with Adult ADD - especially previously undiagnosed.

While it isn't a primary recovery/addiction connection, the little bit that I understand about it's symptoms sounds like a pretty unhealthy base (depression, anxiety, etc.) that might leave the door open a little wider for addiction to walk through. I'm not shifting blame ~at all~ but it would explain a lot about my RAH's long, circular process of recovery.

I'm just looking for experiences, resources & reading material for him right now if anyone can point me in a direction. He already brought up the idea of speaking with our new primary Doc about it during his next checkup.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 07-30-2015, 10:13 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
This was a part of my journey with my exAH.

We suspected for a long time that he was living with this. When he had an affair, and I started to actually deal with the alcohol, he started to finally deal with this.

This book helped him immensely
You Mean I am Not Crazy, Lazy or Stupid? by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo

This website helped me out immensely (I think he said it helped him also but I used this more after we split). ADHD and Marriage | by Melissa Orlov & Dr. Ned Hallowell<br>Learning to thrive in your relationship

My personal experience is that the two people in my life that have been closest to me that I believe struggle with problem drinking, have ADD. Sometimes I don't know what is what in terms of behaviors etc. Regardless of their stuff I have responded similarly to both by overdoing, rescuing etc.

My exAH got tested as an adult and the testing showed that he was living with it. He went from his primary MD to a specialist (but the scripts were ordered by the primary). I only lived with him for four months after him starting treatment but it made a huge difference in his life.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Old 07-30-2015, 11:13 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
My husband has adult diagnosed ADHD. Yes he does drink more than he should at times because he is currently not medicated for it. I know quite a few people who drink to excess because of it.

I don't know anything about ADD though. And of course I can't find the book we read on it.

I will say this. With medication and CBT life can become much better.
happybeingme is offline  
Old 07-30-2015, 12:28 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Its_me_jen
 
PaperDolls's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm an alcoholic in recovery with ADD. My symptoms are not being able to focus well for very long. I'm very easily distracted and seem to have a bad memory at times. I'm not hyperactive at all.

I was diagnosed in my mid or late 20s. I wasn't sober yet. Most meds didn't help while I was drinking. When I got sober I, with my physciatrist, found a med that worked and it helped a ton. I was on it successfully from 2008-2011. I got off of them when pregnant and haven't gotten back on. I did well for some time but have noticed in the last 2 years that it causes me quite a bit of anxiety. I simply can't afford the meds. I can manage and try to remember to breath when my brain starts going crazy.

I don't know if that helps ..... just my experience.
PaperDolls is offline  
Old 07-30-2015, 01:40 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I became very interested in adult Adhd when I did a research paper for a developmental psychology course.
So many adults, who were not identified in childhood, have the condition and are never made aware of it. It is most frequently identified in adulthood when one of their children are identified----and the parent says---"Hey, wait a minute. I think I have the same thing!" It does have a strong genetic component. And...there are different "types"...not always the stereotypical picture that some people have.
Drugs and alcohol is a frequently used as self medication.
Thus, when a person is getting into recovery it is very important to identify this condition...as it is always important to identify any dual diagnosis conditions that may exist.
Actually, as it turns out, I know a lot of people with adult adhd......

In addition to the books that have already been mentioned---I, also, highly recommend the book: "Is it You, Me, or the ADD?" Particularilly for relationships that may be affected by this co ndition...
It the undiagnosed condition exists in a marriage....this book could be life-saving,,,or, at least, relationship saving...lol.
I also highly recommend: "You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?"

I think that an interesting story that depicts how this condition can exist without the bearer being aware, is the story of Lisa Ling, the investigative reporter who is well known from the View and has done a lot of work for the OWN Network,
She became suspicious when she was doing a documentary on a bo y who had the condition. She went to see an expert---and was so relieved to find out that she DID have it......It turns out that she struggled privately, for years with the symptoms. She said it was like a giant burden that she had carried, for years, on her shoulders, was removed....

Fire Sprite, I applaud your efforts and if you have an "index of suspicion"...by all means, follow your instincts on this.....
If I can be of any help to you....PM me at any time!!!!!

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 07-30-2015, 01:51 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Fire Sprite....I forgot to say something that is very important.
There are many positive features that those with adhd have that are attractive and valuable!! This gifts should be recognized as well!
Very frequently, these persons are quite intelligent (even though they may hate classroom settings). They can be very expressive of their emotions. They also tend to be creative, and spontaneous in their interests. Very frequently, they are the fun, energetic and attractive people to be around.
Many successful celebrities and ground-breakers in other fields are as a result of these positive gifts!!!!

That is the GOOD news!

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 07-30-2015, 03:21 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Fire-

That is what I liked so much about the book and the website that I linked.

People with ADD/ADHD think so differently they me, they often help me to get out of myself. Both the resources are about building on what works when living with ADD/ADHD and about working on the challenges. They both try to limit the shame/blame game.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Old 07-31-2015, 05:04 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Fire Sprite....I forgot to say something that is very important.
There are many positive features that those with adhd have that are attractive and valuable!! This gifts should be recognized as well!
Very frequently, these persons are quite intelligent (even though they may hate classroom settings). They can be very expressive of their emotions. They also tend to be creative, and spontaneous in their interests. Very frequently, they are the fun, energetic and attractive people to be around.
Many successful celebrities and ground-breakers in other fields are as a result of these positive gifts!!!!

That is the GOOD news!

dandylion
Bravo Dandy and I agree! My husband is ADD as well as Bi-Polar. While I am sure he would rather not be there are great gifts that come with both. Dandy has mentioned the ones associated with ADD, for the BP I would say they have a sensory ability much more so than the average person. At first this was annoying to me - then I realized how extraordinary that his perceptions of things are so detailed. For our business it has been an asset. He is incredibly artistic and his abilities with color, scent, design, photography and the like are WAY above my own (I'm and artist so to speak by career). The ADD spontaneity an no filter approach is also an asset. We are active in support groups for ADD and BP and its common traits I see in most, maybe all.

When we began to focus on the positives and not the negatives it really helped.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 08-03-2015, 10:13 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I managed to get the book Dandylion recommended on audio from my library so I've been listening to that on & off over the weekend. (Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?) I love that this is written for the partner, not so much the person struggling with ADD.

I found myself nodding along a LOT before getting past the intro. Honestly, this resonates for him even more than what I know about addiction. The alcoholism always confused me because it just came out of the blue even though I knew he was a drinker - but the ADD stuff?.... I can give you story after story after story pre-dating any concern with alcohol by a solid decade++. The red flags I saw in the height of his craziness hadn't been waving around for years, unnoticed.... it was all a very rapid change.

It's probably been 12-13 years since we first discussed this possibility for him, and I'm amazed at how much more info is available since that time.

A couple of you said this, a couple of different ways:
People with ADD/ADHD think so differently they me, they often help me to get out of myself.
...and I almost fell over. This is a big part of why I've always loved RAH so much; I always said he balances me in ways that I didn't even know I needed balance. He helped me learn to relax, to enjoy life, he is far more forgiving & accepting & carries few heavy stones of resentment in life. His creativity is off the charts - if you hand him any instrument he'll teach himself how to play it.

It's fascinating that they've identified so many more underlying characteristics - like intentionality. If I had a nickel for every time he's truly, honestly confused at how his intentions aren't translating in his actions/words, ha!

Thanks for all the direction guys, I haven't had a chance to check into every suggestion yet, but I will!
FireSprite is offline  
Old 08-05-2015, 05:42 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Recovered alcoholic wife and I are both diagnosed with ADHD and I can tell you that without question it made a OOOOH!, SQUIRREL! difference in both of our lives when HEY LOOK ...SHINY! we got medicated to help with it.

WANNA RIDE BIKES?

Over the past few years when I was smarter than all of you and had it figured out (cough) and was not willing to get into Al-anon I developed depression and anxiety which made the ADHD go from bad to BRB NEED TO MAKE COFFEE
worse and made it nearly impossible to complete tasks which would normally be quite easy for me.

As to the good... Professionally I work in an area where I am likely to be putting out fires with 10 different client projects in any given day while a dozen of my consultants come by my office for assistance with something, I review and edit half a dozen complex documents, prepare a presentation and then it is time for lunch. OH CRAP, FORGOT BREAKFAST

Medication-wise... Adderall was a game changer for me. I was sure my doc was nuts putting me on amphetamines - I figured I'd be bouncing off the walls but the reverse is true when you are ADHD. That first evening I sat on the floor and untangled 31 strands of Christmas lights, fixed all the broken ones and wound them on cards... without looking up once. I was smarter, lost 20 pounds and felt great. I swear if that stuff made me taller too I'd invest.

Over time it becomes less effective as you build a tolerance but there are other drugs. With an addict, amphetamine is not something you prescribe without being careful obviously. My wife had a tendency to abuse anything in the medication realm before but now follows the doc's orders and they only prescribe it 30 days at a time so if you take too much you will run out and that helps with compliance.

Wellbutrin is another possibility. Unlike most anti-depressants it doesn't make you gain weight and it does not have sexual side effects. When dealing with all the stresses we deal with on top of what typical couples face ..well without going TMI one true blessing has always been that we are 'compatible' in terms of libido and well I'll just blurt it out - if two people BOTH have ADHD and they just spent two hours producing endorphins the fun and healthy way, good luck remembering what either of you was pissed off about beforehand. Suffice it to say I was not interested in any drug that would mess that up.

For anxiety... and stimulants can certainly increase that, there are some good meds out there. Wife takes Xanax. That's easy to abuse for an alcoholic but she's always regulated that one well because she drank to calm anxiety and unlike th unlimited supply of alcohol at the liquor store, your doc prescribes Xanax 30 days at a time and if you run out you are screwed. Wife's fear of running out and having bad anxiety kept her in check even when she was early in recovery.

I was recently diagnosed with a major case of anxiety - had no idea but it's been there since about the time I joined this site. I'm taking Vistaryl which is actually an antihistimine that has some interesting anxiolytic effects and is prescribed off label to treat anxiety. It is also safe for longer term use and not something you would tend to abuse.

My usual joking aside, ADHD was really a thorn in my side. A mentor and friend at work sat me down about 4 years ago and pointed out that he knew my heart - he knew I desperately wanted to help all 50 of the consultants under me with whatever they brought me but despite the 16 hour days I could not keep up and as a result I let them down and gave the reverse impression - that I did not care.
I don't follow through well. There are certain area where I was blessed with a very powerful gift. My IQ (measure of how far I fall short of my potential!) is in the WOW range and my special gifts are a freakish ability to pull together 100 disparate pieces of information, see the pattern and the solution and at the end of a two hour client meeting I can go to the board and lay out a complex 36 month roadmap to address the issues and estimate costs within 10%.
HOWEVER... If I needed to write down an outline of it on paper, put it in an envelope, put one of those square thingies you lick and stick on it and get it to one of those mailbox things? Forget it, I'm F---ed.

It's a delicate balancing act. When controlled my ADHD and mild OCD allows me to switch topics all day and focus incredibly hard in 15 minute bursts. Over-amped I'm useless. Under-stimulated I'm bored.

One of the character defects i am working on is that I tend to focus and obsess on something until I have completely taken it apart and reconstructed it and understand every detail and how it fits in the bigger picture. The defect is that I fail to remember that those around me can't do that in 30 seconds like I can. They can run laps around me in other areas but I tend to see the complex instantly and miss the obvious entirely and I don't hide my impatience well at times. I'm also completely open to my employees correcting me and challenging my reasoning and forcing me to explain and when I'm wrong I am SO proud of them... I forget that my peers and superiors are often not like that and when you point out a mistake they get defensive and hunker down to prove they are right and it pisses me off so i tend to make them feel stupid. That's SUCH a helpful thing isn't it? Prove your point and make an enemy for life at the same time. ADHD folks have to learn to slow down and ask people questions that will allow them to see the it rather than force feeding it to them. Or like the saying goes.. you can lead a horse to water but if you try to stuff his head into the water until he drinks he's going to kick the ever loving **** out of you.

Wait... what were we discussing?

Phrase I heard recently we all need to memorize - there is no such thing as 'normal', there is only TYPICAL. In certain areas we will be typical and in others we will be above or below typical and THAT is quite normal.
PohsFriend is offline  
Old 08-25-2015, 03:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 48
I spent most of the other day on here reading, it was new first day sober and I knew I wasn't going to feel like getting out of bed and this gave me lots of inspiration. I have for years jokingly said I have ADHD and I say the...Squirrel thing all the time as do my friends but I didn't want to ask my therapist, who I have only been seeing a few months and relapsed a couple of times that I thought that I didn't want her to think I was wanting Adderall, which is a drug I often abuse. Now don't get me wrong a small part of me thought that would be fun having an Rx for that but the rest of me knows that would get me in so much trouble. Well after reading on here the other night I did some research about addiction, BPT (which I am diagnosed with) and I seem to check almost all of the traits. But I also wonder if its me when I'm taking something most of my adult life I have been an alcoholic and taken drugs. I am going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about the length of time I need in sobriety before we can take a look at it. Thanks for everyone's insight on this
greeneyed is offline  
Old 08-25-2015, 03:03 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 48
Oh I have been reading about treatment and addicts and see that therapy and non addictive drugs are the go to and that helps alot
greeneyed is offline  
Old 08-31-2015, 01:32 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sure my ex is rather severe adult ADHD. He did not get treatment until after our divorce so I don't know if it has been explored or addressed or not. He was unwilling to consider the possibility while we were together. He has such a severe anxiety disorder that his treatment focuses on that now as far as I know. The ADHD is a hard way to live and untreated increases risk of addiction and other issues like depression. It's hard to have in a marriage too. Three of our four children are diagnosed and treated for ADHD
Thumper is offline  
Old 09-07-2016, 08:33 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
So, I'm back around to this topic again......

It's been a little over a year & as I expected, RAH has not followed through with this topic at all, in any way. While he managed it better for many months just from being aware of it (sound familiar, anybody?,) that obviously isn't enough to create long-term change.

After a particularly difficult week or so, I was pretty grateful to stumble onto these videos yesterday because frankly, my frustration hit an all time high at the same moment when my patience dropped to nothing. Detachment doesn't always work when dealing with a partner with active, unmedicated ADHD - it's a different animal altogether.

I figured I'd link this info here for myself & others if anyone is interested.

In the 1st video, she does a really good job of describing this all from the POV of the person who has ADHD so RAH was able to "hear" it differently, finally. The way she describes how the ADHD partner will often create chaos within a stable relationship as a dysfunctional way of staying attentive to their partner I almost fell over..... this is my husband to a T. The hardest part is that the ADHD partner can almost never truly see or empathize with what their partner goes through - they literally lack the ability to shift perspective or feel the empathy.... so he never, ever understands (not really) why I'm hurting & I never feel 100% "heard" or supported.



I also stumbled on a 9-part youtube series from the author of the book dandylion suggested that made such a big impact for me last year - Gina Pera, "Is It You, Me or Adult ADHD?" (it just got posted in Feb 2016) The content is wonderful but much more academically presented so he had a harder time following these, but it was still better than reading the book - he'd never have the patience for that. This book SAVED my sanity last summer because it was so resonant with our lives. The examples were scary-accurate.

Part One here, you should be able to auto play through all 9 parts once you view the first, if anyone is interested:





I probably will call today to get the ball rolling for an evaluation for him - he's not opposed to it but will never prioritize it. The ADHD itself prevents him from seeing how affected he is so while I normally take a totally hands-off approach with this stuff, I'm going to bite the bullet this time.

I do want to point out that I'm not just throwing labels around/ assigning blame here...... from all that I have learned about this topic over the last year, there isn't any doubt for either of us that he does have this disorder to some degree. Truly, when we go through the "checklist" he is affected by about 80-90% of the "symptoms" that they list & it is not going to get better on it's own. At this point I think even he sees the insanity of exhausting himself trying to mange around it & then cycling around to depression/shame spirals when his efforts don't work out. Efforts that CAN'T work because he can't see that he's spending all that time trying to jam a square peg into a triangular hole.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 09-07-2016, 10:02 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FireSprite....I am so glad that you are pursuing this ...for the sake of you husband and for your own sake.....
You are so fortunate to have the realizations that you do about this all too common situation....
so many people go through their lives, struggling, and never have any idea of why......
I have learned that many, many, alcoholics began using alcohol to self medicate ADHD...
I have lived with someone in the same house with Adult ADHD....and, they can be so hard to live with....It really can cause the demise of many marriages.....and other kinds of relationships, also.

Your husband is lucky to have a wife l ike you!!
dandylion is offline  
Old 09-07-2016, 10:37 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Firesprite-

My ex got a diagnosis with ADD just prior to us separating. It was a part of the relationship that was very challenging for me.

I had to check in with my therapist about it, but I knew that unless I scheduled this particular appt for my husband he would not make it there. It was in the midst of my unraveling my codependent behaviors at the time, knew it was me doing something for someone who was capable of doing it for themselves. In this case though I am glad I did.

Though we did not make it much longer than the diagnosis, I truly think for him it was a big part of his life challenges and even just early treatment seemed to make a big difference in his life.....and it helped me greatly feel more comfortable with communicating my needs even through a painful process.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Old 09-07-2016, 10:43 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LifeRecovery....for what it is worth...Lisa Ling was doing a documentary on adult ADD and discovered that she had adult ADD herself!!
She said that she had always struggled...but, did not ever know hat was wrong until she started the documentary.

I really wish that there was more public awareness...because it affects millions and they never have any clue......
dandylion is offline  
Old 09-07-2016, 11:37 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
My ex had looked into it about three years before. He was pretty sure he had it. My brother lives with it so as soon as he said it to me it resonated and I could recognize the similarities in how I acted around both of them.

He read some of the material earlier in this post and had some success, but it was challenging for him to sustain. I struggled because his successes were often about work, and he still struggled to implement them at home.

Then it all kind of came to a head in 2010. He lost his dad late 2009. His binge drinking increased, work was harder for him again, an affair started up, and looking back now it was all a big avalanche/slide. I can't tease apart what impacted what but looking back now ADD/ADHD was a big part of the mix.

They say lots of people realize they have it when their child gets diagnosed, why not with a documentary! Learning about it has helped me SO much in my relationships (I have at least three people in my life with it), and it has helped me because my "helping" feelers get activated in general around ADD/ADHD because it is so "familiar," from my childhood.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Old 09-07-2016, 01:37 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
This made me cry. So much truth there. My ex, in my opinion, has severe un-diagnosed adult ADHD. So very hard in my marriage.

I have three children diagnosed with ADHD. I can see the truth's of that video in them as well, even now.
Thumper is offline  
Old 09-07-2016, 02:22 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Guest
 
viola71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
I have ADD diagnosed as an adult. I have not had an issue with addiction at all but I have had several bouts with severe depression. I was treated with meds but that caused a whole other set of issues. I suspect its one of the many pieces of the puzzle he has to make peace with. Understanding my brain and my limitations and acceptance are the only things that make it bearable; that and antidepressants since 2001.
viola71 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:35 AM.