Really hard day
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
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Really hard day
I realize I am opening myself up for a lot of "told you so's" but I am having a really hard day and wanted to talk to someone. Yall are the ones that know my situation. No one else knows but what they see. My AH is done with me. He told me today. I know he has done this before but today seemed final. I am so sad and distraught. I love my husband. He won't give me a chance to change our marriage or to make our marriage better. I am having a difficult time coming to terms with him not giving me a chance. I asked if there was someone else or the thought of someone else. He said no. He said he loves me but his heart isn't in this marriage and he doesn't want to be married. He then said he wanted to be able to see his kids when he wanted to. He has kept me away from his kids for years. He tells me what a good mom I am, but keeps me away from his. There are so many inconsistencies in what he tells me on all fronts. My head is swimming. I am doing better than I was. I thought if the person I love the most in the world won't give me a chance to redeem myself or make amends, how horrible must I be? I thought about suicide. But I have thought about that before. I know it will get better and that isn't the answer. I also believe it is a sin, so that prevents me. He knew how distraught I was and just doesn't care. I am having a difficult time understanding any of his words or actions. He told me he loved me on Saturday, Sunday and Monday and then today this. How do i do this? How do I move forward and get over the only man I have ever loved? How do I have any confidence or sense of worth after two divorces and after my husband refuses to try and refuses to talk to me or give me a chance. He told me over the phone. But then he came by the house to do something and I saw him and he was cold and removed. He hates being inside our home and refuses to come back here. He resents me for the arrest and the house is where he was arrested. I'm sorry. I know I am rambling (as usual) and all over the map. I'm just sad, very much alone and don't know how to get through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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He won't give me a chance to change our marriage or to make our marriage better. I am having a difficult time coming to terms with him not giving me a chance.
sweetie, a marriage is between TWO people and it takes work on BOTH parts. you cannot CHANGE the marriage by yourself......it's like holding up one wall of a room, while the other three fall down.
i am so sorry that he is no longer invested. but at least he is telling you this, rather than "pretending" that things were somehow ok. you need time to take this in.....it won't happen overnight.
no matter what, YOUR life is precious. you do have a future, you do have worth, you are more than a partner in a relationship.
sweetie, a marriage is between TWO people and it takes work on BOTH parts. you cannot CHANGE the marriage by yourself......it's like holding up one wall of a room, while the other three fall down.
i am so sorry that he is no longer invested. but at least he is telling you this, rather than "pretending" that things were somehow ok. you need time to take this in.....it won't happen overnight.
no matter what, YOUR life is precious. you do have a future, you do have worth, you are more than a partner in a relationship.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
[QUOTE="AnvilheadII; it's like holding up one wall of a room, while the other three fall down. i am so sorry that he is no longer invested. but at least he is telling you this, rather than "pretending" that things were somehow ok.
That is a great analogy and I will keep telling myself that. He was never invested in our marriage. He never gave me a chance. That is one of the reasons this is so difficult. He always resented me and always blamed me. And even though I think he isn't rational and has some issues, part of me still believes the awful things he says about me and to me. I did thank him for being honest with me. It doesn't make it any easier though. I want him to be normal thinking and want him to want me and want our marriage. I have never known anyone to walk away from a marriage without giving their spouse a chance. I know it happens with some A's but why wouldn't someone give their spouse a chance? I have known him my whole life. He knows me better than anyone. And if he doesn't think I deserve a chance than no one will.
That is a great analogy and I will keep telling myself that. He was never invested in our marriage. He never gave me a chance. That is one of the reasons this is so difficult. He always resented me and always blamed me. And even though I think he isn't rational and has some issues, part of me still believes the awful things he says about me and to me. I did thank him for being honest with me. It doesn't make it any easier though. I want him to be normal thinking and want him to want me and want our marriage. I have never known anyone to walk away from a marriage without giving their spouse a chance. I know it happens with some A's but why wouldn't someone give their spouse a chance? I have known him my whole life. He knows me better than anyone. And if he doesn't think I deserve a chance than no one will.
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"And if he doesn't think I deserve a chance, then no one will"
Searching Peace....that is the biggest l oad of crap that I have ever heard!
That is erroneous thinking....don't believe such a thing!
I believe that the verbal abuse that you have lived with has done a real job on your self esteem. Even if you had self esteem issues to start with---you probably did after suffering through two previous non-nurturing marriages...this just intensifies the erosion of your sense of self and your self image.
We all have a filter that we look at life through. This man has a filter that is damaged and skewed. It is a filter that devalues you---so, of course, it is broken....
What he is doing is about him and HIS issues. STOP MAKING THEM YOUR ISSUES.
Don't make his thoughts into your thoughts about yourself.
You are valuable. Everyone has value. Some other persons thoughts do not change y our value.
Your value is still there --even if YOU think bad thoughts about yourself.
This marriage is not good for you. It does not nourish you and it does not support you as a person. A healthy relationship is one that strenthens you---not tears you down.
The pain that you feel is simply that of the grief that everyone feels when a relationship ends. Ending a relationship hurts like hell whether you felt that it was good or bad....they both feel the same if you have invested a part of yourself.
You are going to go through a period of this painful grief...there is no way around it.......
What you should pray for is the strength to endure the short-term pain for the longer-term gain.
As bad as this feels, right now, it is going to eventually go away....
Gather those who care about you close....
Go to alanon.....come here to ventilate y our feelings....
Most of all...reach inside for the strength that you have, there.....for it is considerable...
very sincerely,
dandylion
Searching Peace....that is the biggest l oad of crap that I have ever heard!
That is erroneous thinking....don't believe such a thing!
I believe that the verbal abuse that you have lived with has done a real job on your self esteem. Even if you had self esteem issues to start with---you probably did after suffering through two previous non-nurturing marriages...this just intensifies the erosion of your sense of self and your self image.
We all have a filter that we look at life through. This man has a filter that is damaged and skewed. It is a filter that devalues you---so, of course, it is broken....
What he is doing is about him and HIS issues. STOP MAKING THEM YOUR ISSUES.
Don't make his thoughts into your thoughts about yourself.
You are valuable. Everyone has value. Some other persons thoughts do not change y our value.
Your value is still there --even if YOU think bad thoughts about yourself.
This marriage is not good for you. It does not nourish you and it does not support you as a person. A healthy relationship is one that strenthens you---not tears you down.
The pain that you feel is simply that of the grief that everyone feels when a relationship ends. Ending a relationship hurts like hell whether you felt that it was good or bad....they both feel the same if you have invested a part of yourself.
You are going to go through a period of this painful grief...there is no way around it.......
What you should pray for is the strength to endure the short-term pain for the longer-term gain.
As bad as this feels, right now, it is going to eventually go away....
Gather those who care about you close....
Go to alanon.....come here to ventilate y our feelings....
Most of all...reach inside for the strength that you have, there.....for it is considerable...
very sincerely,
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi SP, big hugs to you (((((( )))))). It's heartbreaking when a marriage breaks up and it's not your choice; much harder to accept.
Although you're ready to try again his determination to end it at least gives you no choice but to build on your independence. After a while, when the hurt eases you'll look back and be glad he's set you free.
Imagine your own place, with your children, doing what you want! Your new life is ahead, go grab it.
Although you're ready to try again his determination to end it at least gives you no choice but to build on your independence. After a while, when the hurt eases you'll look back and be glad he's set you free.
Imagine your own place, with your children, doing what you want! Your new life is ahead, go grab it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I have never known anyone to walk away from a marriage without giving their spouse a chance. I know it happens with some A's but why wouldn't someone give their spouse a chance?
Oh Jesus I have known many. I worked in the largest salon in Atlanta for many years. I remember one client who came in with her child and her husband called and asked her to meet him in the parking garage for a second. Rolled down the window, handed her divorce papers, and drove off, no warning.
I could actually give you so many examples of the above your mind would reel. and it wasn't always males doing it to females. I have seen it in long term relationships as well where one person just up and disappears with NO explanation whatsoever. I believe the term for that is now called "ghosting".
He said no. He said he loves me but his heart isn't in this marriage and he doesn't want to be married. Here's your explanation. Its honest I think. He doesn't want to be married. In this situation SP - what is that you think there is to do rectify it? When someone says they don't want to be married it says to me they don't want the responsibility that marriage entails and prefer a life with more freedom. You can't be married and give someone total freedom at the same time. It simply isn't possible because the end result is why be married at all? You focus on yourself and what you can do or not do - you speak of him giving it a chance; however, seems that your husband has simply decided marital life is not for him therefore it doesn't matter what you do because it isn't about YOU.
I know this is exceptionally painful for you and I offer lots of hugs and sympathy. I think you view this entire situation rather myopically. Its always been that he is perfect for you and you are imperfect for him. When the truth is you aren't right for each other, and there is much incompatability that has shown through over the time of you posting here.
Lots of hugs SP - you will get through this.
Oh Jesus I have known many. I worked in the largest salon in Atlanta for many years. I remember one client who came in with her child and her husband called and asked her to meet him in the parking garage for a second. Rolled down the window, handed her divorce papers, and drove off, no warning.
I could actually give you so many examples of the above your mind would reel. and it wasn't always males doing it to females. I have seen it in long term relationships as well where one person just up and disappears with NO explanation whatsoever. I believe the term for that is now called "ghosting".
He said no. He said he loves me but his heart isn't in this marriage and he doesn't want to be married. Here's your explanation. Its honest I think. He doesn't want to be married. In this situation SP - what is that you think there is to do rectify it? When someone says they don't want to be married it says to me they don't want the responsibility that marriage entails and prefer a life with more freedom. You can't be married and give someone total freedom at the same time. It simply isn't possible because the end result is why be married at all? You focus on yourself and what you can do or not do - you speak of him giving it a chance; however, seems that your husband has simply decided marital life is not for him therefore it doesn't matter what you do because it isn't about YOU.
I know this is exceptionally painful for you and I offer lots of hugs and sympathy. I think you view this entire situation rather myopically. Its always been that he is perfect for you and you are imperfect for him. When the truth is you aren't right for each other, and there is much incompatability that has shown through over the time of you posting here.
Lots of hugs SP - you will get through this.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Here's your explanation. Its honest I think. He doesn't want to be married. In this situation SP - what is that you think there is to do rectify it? When someone says they don't want to be married it says to me they don't want the responsibility that marriage entails and prefer a life with more freedom. You can't be married and give someone total freedom at the same time. It simply isn't possible because the end result is why be married at all? You focus on yourself and what you can do or not do - you speak of him giving it a chance; however, seems that your husband has simply decided marital life is not for him therefore it doesn't matter what you do because it isn't about YOU.
Now, I can't say whether he "loves" you or not. I actually DID still love my husband when I left him. I still wanted out.
You know I believe your husband is abusive. But giving him EVERY benefit of the doubt (which he probably doesn't deserve), he probably behaves in a cold and distant way because if he doesn't do that, you're not going to "get it."
If I were you, I'd work REAL hard at accepting this and letting it go.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
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I am sorry for your sadness. I wish I could take you by the hand and lead you through to the 'other side' of all of this. I have felt everything you are feeling. You're putting your value into someone else's hands, someone very unhealthy at that. I know how painful it feels. I promise you it gets easier, but you have to allow yourself to move on and heal. For me, Al Anon has been a god send, lots of guilt free self care, daily meditations/readings, time with my loved ones..I have a grandson now and he has been so healing for me. I am finally a full year out after going back and forth for almost a decade and I have so many more 'good' days now. Once I hit that year mark something really clicked, hard to explain. Time is a great healer. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I'm so sorry you are feeling low today. (((((hugs)))))
It won't make any more sense no matter how much time you spend beating yourself up trying to dissect it. He's actively thriving in addiction right now - that's the only constant you can be sure of.
IMO, he's running from himself & by shutting you out he won't have to really face all the uncomfortable crap that's been building up over the years. I could easily see it as part of what comes wit the progression of the disease - my uncle did the exact same thing to my aunt after 30+ yrs together & they didn't have drama leading up to it. A switch just flipped one day & he went from a social beer drinker to a complete stranger to his wife, 4 kids & 3 grandkids.
He's basically saying that he's at that point where he really can't/doesn't want to be concerned with anyone or anything but himself. Don't take his attempt to isolate as a personal attack (easier said than done) - this is about HIM, not YOU.
It won't make any more sense no matter how much time you spend beating yourself up trying to dissect it. He's actively thriving in addiction right now - that's the only constant you can be sure of.
IMO, he's running from himself & by shutting you out he won't have to really face all the uncomfortable crap that's been building up over the years. I could easily see it as part of what comes wit the progression of the disease - my uncle did the exact same thing to my aunt after 30+ yrs together & they didn't have drama leading up to it. A switch just flipped one day & he went from a social beer drinker to a complete stranger to his wife, 4 kids & 3 grandkids.
He's basically saying that he's at that point where he really can't/doesn't want to be concerned with anyone or anything but himself. Don't take his attempt to isolate as a personal attack (easier said than done) - this is about HIM, not YOU.
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He won't give me a chance to change our marriage or to make our marriage better.
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Location: Texas
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Don't ask why-he's an addict. Someone wise posted that trying to understand the mental processes of an addict is insane...irrational people make irrational decisions. Addicts have no ability to think through the consequences of their actions. Hopefully he will wake up one day but YOU are not defined by him. Your life will go on, you will recover and he will still be an addict. That is for certain! Peace to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
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Like others have said, there is only so much that one person can do in a marriage. It's not like you haven't done enough. Anyone who sticks beside an alcoholic goes above and beyond the call of duty, so do your best to keep from feeling like you could have done more. Alcoholics cannot be saved by anyone but themselves.
The fact that he chose to leave (which you don't understand now, but eventually will) is a Godsend, really. It also hurts, though, because of everything you've done. It is almost the biggest slap in the face that an alcoholic can do - to leave you after all the misery he put you through. Just realize that he is not in a state of mind (even if he is relatively sober for the moment) to be able to make rational decisions. The fact that he had to be cuffed and taken away in his own home because of his drinking (presumably) and then still continued to drink should show that there was and is literally nothing you can do to cure his illness. And really, he's doing a classic maneuver of an alcoholic - running away from his problems instead of facing them head-on.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now (and I know it will be hard, especially if you don't want this - but it is for the best) is to hold him to his decision. File the papers yourself. Meet with both a counselor and lawyer and come up with the best visitation rights for an alcoholic father. Be the one that is proactive about this, because you can't help the alcoholic, but you can control your situation.
I understand it's hard now, but if you concentrate enough, I bet you will find a sense of relief that this is something you no longer have to put up with. It's absolutely amazing how much your anxiety level plummets when you finally realize the alcoholic's problem is no longer your own. Best of luck - this is when it gets better.
The fact that he chose to leave (which you don't understand now, but eventually will) is a Godsend, really. It also hurts, though, because of everything you've done. It is almost the biggest slap in the face that an alcoholic can do - to leave you after all the misery he put you through. Just realize that he is not in a state of mind (even if he is relatively sober for the moment) to be able to make rational decisions. The fact that he had to be cuffed and taken away in his own home because of his drinking (presumably) and then still continued to drink should show that there was and is literally nothing you can do to cure his illness. And really, he's doing a classic maneuver of an alcoholic - running away from his problems instead of facing them head-on.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now (and I know it will be hard, especially if you don't want this - but it is for the best) is to hold him to his decision. File the papers yourself. Meet with both a counselor and lawyer and come up with the best visitation rights for an alcoholic father. Be the one that is proactive about this, because you can't help the alcoholic, but you can control your situation.
I understand it's hard now, but if you concentrate enough, I bet you will find a sense of relief that this is something you no longer have to put up with. It's absolutely amazing how much your anxiety level plummets when you finally realize the alcoholic's problem is no longer your own. Best of luck - this is when it gets better.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
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Thank you all so much for your replies and input. He has said several times it isn't me it is him. It's just he has told me this year he is really happy with me when he is with me. He told
Me Saturday he wanted a life with me and wasn't ready to let me go. And the thing is, I never see him drink that much. I never did before he had to go into rehab either. I don't know if he is an A or if he is active. I know he drinks when he is out for dinner. I just honestly don't know anything right now. He says one thing and then something different. Or he says one thing and then does something different. I'm just so very frustrated not to be able to even see him and talk.
Me Saturday he wanted a life with me and wasn't ready to let me go. And the thing is, I never see him drink that much. I never did before he had to go into rehab either. I don't know if he is an A or if he is active. I know he drinks when he is out for dinner. I just honestly don't know anything right now. He says one thing and then something different. Or he says one thing and then does something different. I'm just so very frustrated not to be able to even see him and talk.
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Location: W Washington
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He says one thing and then something different. Or he says one thing and then does something different.
I'm just so very frustrated not to be able to even see him and talk.
talk about what exactly? you just stated that he doesn't make any sense when HE talks, or he contradicts himself, OR he says one thing and does something completely other.
take a couple giant steps back from the edge of the CRAZY crater so you don't fall in.
I'm just so very frustrated not to be able to even see him and talk.
talk about what exactly? you just stated that he doesn't make any sense when HE talks, or he contradicts himself, OR he says one thing and does something completely other.
take a couple giant steps back from the edge of the CRAZY crater so you don't fall in.
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Ok anvil, how? How do I do that? How do I let go of this anxiety of not seeing him and devastation of loosing the only man I have ever loved? I try to keep busy. But I only think of him. My anxiety level is out the roof. I'm about to go exercise. I have tried doing my painting, talking to friends, reading, TV. Nothing helps! I only think of him and being with him. I know I am always different in my approach and my thinking to others on here. But I know if my husband would spend time with me this would go away.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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When I was with XABF, I built my life around him and what he wanted to do. In my case, the choice to leave was mine. (It started by being woken up in the middle of the night by a drunk man screaming in my face and throwing furniture and me deciding I wasn't safe. I have a thread here, if you want to know the details.)
Even though it was my choice, it still hurt. I still cared about him. (I still do, really - I learned so many wonderful things from that abusive, drunken man, and my career is built on many of those things). I felt like a had a hole in my life.
I didn't feel better until I plugged that hole. I started going to tons of AlAnon meetings. I cleaned up my apartment and removed many of the things he had put in it. I started wearing dangling earrings. I adopted a cat, and then another. I started gardening on my balcony. I went to the pool at my apartment complex, something I had never done with XABF was around.
It took time. Wounds always take time to heal. But without my alcoholic constantly scratching open the scabs, it healed a lot faster and a lot stronger and my life back then isn't even a shadow of my life now.
AlAnon and AA have a saying - "Fake it 'til you make it" - and it's true. I just did the things I felt I should be enjoying, and after a while I discovered that I really was enjoying them.
Give yourself time and space and love (ESPECIALLY LOVE) and good things will happen. You have been taking care of him for so long... Learn how to take care of yourself again. Love yourself, be yourself, and you will remember how to be happy. <3
Even though it was my choice, it still hurt. I still cared about him. (I still do, really - I learned so many wonderful things from that abusive, drunken man, and my career is built on many of those things). I felt like a had a hole in my life.
I didn't feel better until I plugged that hole. I started going to tons of AlAnon meetings. I cleaned up my apartment and removed many of the things he had put in it. I started wearing dangling earrings. I adopted a cat, and then another. I started gardening on my balcony. I went to the pool at my apartment complex, something I had never done with XABF was around.
It took time. Wounds always take time to heal. But without my alcoholic constantly scratching open the scabs, it healed a lot faster and a lot stronger and my life back then isn't even a shadow of my life now.
AlAnon and AA have a saying - "Fake it 'til you make it" - and it's true. I just did the things I felt I should be enjoying, and after a while I discovered that I really was enjoying them.
Give yourself time and space and love (ESPECIALLY LOVE) and good things will happen. You have been taking care of him for so long... Learn how to take care of yourself again. Love yourself, be yourself, and you will remember how to be happy. <3
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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How do I do that? How do I let go of this anxiety of not seeing him and devastation of loosing the only man I have ever loved?
the same way ANYONE works thru breaking a dependence. for you, instead of it being a drug, it's a person. same thing. away from your "source" you go into withdrawals, and the craving starts. addiction is a physical compulsion coupled with a mental obsession. the ONLY way to break it is to STOP USING and go thru the ugly early part of recovery.
your job will be to learn to be ok by just being YOU. thru self care and some type of recovery "program" you being to take steps. baby steps. and bit by bit, day by day, it gets better.....teeny tiny nanobits of better.
won't be today........but if you are diligent, you will get there!
the same way ANYONE works thru breaking a dependence. for you, instead of it being a drug, it's a person. same thing. away from your "source" you go into withdrawals, and the craving starts. addiction is a physical compulsion coupled with a mental obsession. the ONLY way to break it is to STOP USING and go thru the ugly early part of recovery.
your job will be to learn to be ok by just being YOU. thru self care and some type of recovery "program" you being to take steps. baby steps. and bit by bit, day by day, it gets better.....teeny tiny nanobits of better.
won't be today........but if you are diligent, you will get there!
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