So tired of all this

Old 07-06-2015, 10:13 AM
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So tired of all this

Hi everyone. This is my first post (long time lurker.) Gosh, I don't even know where to begin with my story. I've been with my AH for 12 years, married for 6 in August. Alcohol has been a problem our entire relationship...typical pattern of him abusing alcohol and me being codependent. Well, in the fall of 2009, he left his email open and I found evidence of him posting to online review sites (essentially people posting reviews of escorts.) Again, lies and lies...he finally confessed that he had been to a massage place once. Fast forward to January 2013 when everything really blew up. Again, I found evidence of him posting on the board again and this time, he couldn't cover it up. We had a big blow up and he confessed everything and that he was also drinking behind my back. He finally admitted he had a problem and said he was willing to do anything to keep his family together (at the time we had a 2 year old son. Our kids are now 4 and 1.)

Since then, it's been up and down. He's been to a few AA meetings here and there, but has never committed to the program. We did counseling for a bit, but just kind of gave up due to our busy schedules. Even though he stopped drinking for awhile, he was still unbearable to be around (very moody, etc.). He went and saw a psychiatrist a few months back and they put him on zoloft and gave him some gabapentin for anxiety. He has been seeing a therapist for the last few months, which is great, but drank two weekends in a row about a month ago. This weekend, I smelled beer on him and asked him and again, it was the same "this sucks, you accusing me." Well, this morning I go to take the garbage out and low and behold, I find a beer can in the garbage.

I have felt very distant from him for the last couple of months. To a point where some days, I get irritated just being around him. He is always saying how he wants me to be more intimate, but I think I am just filled with so much resentment and anger right now, that I don't know if I even want to be with him anymore. He is a good husband (overall) and father and provides for us. He has always been a functioning alcoholic, where he just can't stop drinking when he starts, so it's never been like he just stays home and doesn't go to work.

I am just very unhappy. I went to an al-anon meeting last night (have been to a few in the past, but never stuck with it.) I am also a lawyer with my own law practice, so I just feel like I am tired of dealing with him and his issues. I'm tired of the numerous nights of sleep I have lost or that I have to wonder what he's doing when he says he's going to "run to the store." I want to concentrate on myself, and that means my children, my business and doing things for me, like eating better and exercising and spending time on my hobbies (photography and scrapbooking). I really think what I need is a break from him, but him moving out is not realistic right now. Is it possible to tell someone that I just need to put my needs first and live a somewhat separate life? I don't need to hear how I'm not affectionate...it's hard to be affectionate with someone who is always lying. And I guess I have so much resentment towards him right now that I don't really feel he deserves anything from me. Sometimes I think it's just too far gone and my only logical option is divorce, but the logistics of that, plus the affect on my kids keeps me here. I feel like my only option now is to tell him he needs to commit to a program and really do it. Obviously, he can't stay sober on his own.

If you read this far, thank you. I guess I am just hear to vent and find some support.
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Old 07-06-2015, 10:16 AM
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Oh, I guess it's not my first post! Just realized that.
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Old 07-06-2015, 10:22 AM
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Hi, jada,

Well, the effects of divorce might be a lot less onerous on the kids than growing up in a household where their parents merely tolerate each others' presence and one of them is a drunk (and yes, it WILL get worse as time goes on).

What makes his moving out "unrealistic"? Sometimes a bit of financial hardship is well worth the freedom you get in return.

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics--the first one got sober before we got married. I left after 14 years of marriage (and fifteen years of sobriety) because I simply felt the marriage was not a satisfying one for either one of us. My second husband almost died from drinking, and I married him during a brief period of sobriety. He soon went back to drinking and I left him only months after we got married.

You don't have to decide anything this minute. Keep going to Al-Anon--it was a lifeline for me when things felt unbearable, and eventually I was able to see clearly what I wanted and how to accomplish it.
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Old 07-06-2015, 10:50 AM
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My marriage isn't really like where I would prefer it... if you asked her, she'd probably say the same. That said, I'm sure glad neither of us started making decisions about it since we've been in recovery. I credit Alanon and AA for making the life inside my head a lot nicer, and painful and/or uncomfortable stuff outside in the world something to be accepted instead of feared. She has a different experience in her recovery program- I try to leave hers alone.

Theres a friend of mine in my alanon home group with an active alcoholic husband, its a really tough situation. But she is transformed over the last 10 months or so. Its a daily emotionally painful situation w/ 2 kids in the house but she's in a much better emotional & physical condition- I'd hazard spiritually too though she doesn't talk much about her higher power, but she's getting in better shape and is more relaxed, so things are headed in good directions.
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Old 07-08-2015, 12:52 AM
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If you can stick with Alanon, you will ultimately find it a huge source of support - sometimes it's a good idea to attend meetings at a variety of groups. They are all different and it is inevitable that you'll feel more at home in some than in others.

Where Alanon really scores is in helping you to detach from the alcoholic, with love, and this will help make your life manageable if you don't want to divorce. It will make it easier to discern what is and isn't your responsibility - useful stuff whether you stay with him or not - which means you needn't get sucked into the craziness that living with active alcoholism entails.

You are right to be concentrating on yourself and your own wellbeing right now, but there's no need to announce it to him - just do it! If you can take care of yourself and your children, and let the relationship take care of itself you may well find that taking an actual physical break from him (so you can go back to more of the same) becomes an irrelevance.

(((HUGS))) and good luck with all this!
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