ScyllaCharybdis

Hi guys. I went through rehab and kicked a lifelong alcohol addiction last year and have been sober for a year and a half. Great, I thought. My wife of five years, who does not drink much, was happy and I was progressing really well. Over the last year she has slipped into an extreme depression, caused largely by problems at her job, she says. A few months ago she really crashed. Her shrink told her to take time off and she has been away from her workplace for three months now, with no end in sight. She's a mess. She refuses to go to the our primary care doctor or stick with any of the other shrinks she has seen. She refuses to go to couples counseling. It's the lowest point of my life. What can I do? This is not threatening my sobriety, but I fear that may be coming. Things were fine between us in the years I was drinking! I never dreamed she would got *down*hill after I quit. Help!

PS: She has no alcohol or substance-abuse issues.

LexieCat

Hi, Scylla,

Congrats on your sober time! Whatever you do, protect your own sobriety at all costs.

I'm sorry your wife is struggling right now. I don't know that you can do much if she refuses to seek help. It's a very frustrating and helpless feeling to watch someone you love suffer.

About all I can suggest is that you maybe seek out some therapy for yourself to help you deal with this, or maybe a support group for family members of loved ones with mental illness.

Maybe someone else here will have other suggestions. I do know that if you let this jeopardize your sobriety things will be worse than they already are.

lillamy

So -- depression is a bitch. The problem when you're in that deep dark hole is that not only can you not see any positives to today; you also see the past and the future in a very bleak light.

I know you can't force her to see a doctor -- but if you believe she is suicidal, you can call an ambulance and ask them to take her to the ER for evaluation. (I've done that with one of my kids more than once.)

I don't know what your life was like before, when you were drinking -- but I know this: Sometimes, the big knock-out punch of a difficult experience doesn't come until after it is over, when you feel safe enough to feel your feelings. It's possible that it was only her job throwing her into depression, but it might also be unprocessed stuff from when you were drinking. (I know that I'm still dealing with a lot of resentment and pain five years after I divorced my ex.)

Of course, the reasons why she's depressed matter less than the fact that it sounds like she's not functioning. Is she doing anything? Taking care of her hygiene? Eating? Seeing friends?

cynical one

Just wondering. When you were actively drinking, were you more needy and dependent on her? Are there responsibilities that you are now taking on that she took care of while you were drinking?

Active alcoholics/addicts provide a nice distraction for our side...so we don't have to look at ourselves.

Refiner

Yeah... I'm not buying that the depression is due to her job. She's not been at her job for 3 months and it's only gotten worse. Suffering from depression my entire lifetime (it's in my family's genetics), I can relate. It truly COULD be in her genetics and she needs help, and I'm sorry she's not seeking it. She needs a GOOD "shrink" (ahem... let''s call them a "therapist, ok? and to be on medication that suites her cells (I had to be on several before I found the right fit). There is NOTHING shameful about being on antidepressants. They are NOT "happy pills". The are to make a person suffering from depression feel NORMAL. When I was at one of my lowest and "off my meds" 16 years ago, I was bedridden. The worst one can do is start taking them, start to feel better (it may take up to 2 monthly I feel a change), than STOP taking them. Them you CRASH HARD. Was she on something and stopped taking them? I know I will be taking antidepressants the rest of my life and I'm ok with that. I owe it to myself AND my loved ones. Why do you think she's not open to getting help for herself?

ScyllaCharybdis

Thanks very much to all for your replies. It is much appreciated.
Yes, *cynical one*, I was more dependent. Now I function at a much higher level on all fronts and pretty much take care of everything.

I had a feeling that might have something to do with it. When I was active, I think she regarded me as a "project." Now I am clean maybe she is feeling .... empty?

*Lillamy,* yes, she's functioning, eating, showering etc. She even goes out to the supermarket now. She sees no friends (not that she ever had many) and refuses to speak to her parents or siblings. She is seeing a psychiatrist, but there seems to be little movement.

Yes, *LexieCat,* I am seeing a psychologist, who advises me to "stick with it, be the stoic, supportive husband, listen and be understanding" etc. That's what I'm doing but it is wearing me down badly. Can't sleep, can't eat, probably f***ing up at my job.

She has been on and off Klonopin for years, currently off. A few years ago I had to call an ambulance after she took 10-20 Trazodones. The hospital kept her against her will for 72 hours and she came out fuming.

ScyllaCharybdis

One of the bizarre things is that even though I am pretty sure there is no substance abuse involved, she is showing all the classic signs of someone in need of an intervention. She's way worse than I ever was when I was "intervened" on.

She has upped her alcohol intake from about 10 glasses of wine a week to about 3-4 a day. I wouldn't have thought that rose to the level of a "problem" - she has never shown any addictive tendencies before Maybe I am wrong?

She is 50 and I (and her family) suspect she may be going through menopause as well.

Churchill was right - when you're going through hell, keep going. I guess it ends .... eventually?

dandylion

Scylla, since she refuses to co-operate in any way....and you are suffering from what appears to be a situation with no other options (except to continue to suffer an d be a witness to this.....have you thought of seeing an attorney (first)....filing a legal separation and moving to another living place?

dandylion

AnvilheadII

well, the upside is that you are SOBER and there much more able to be present and aware.

it is quite possible she had some substance issues that you just couldn't see when YOU were drinking. you were busy being the "bad guy" if you will. she has a history of taking too many pills ( i can't fathom 10-20 trazadone, one renders me comatose). also her attitude when she was released from the hold.

first and foremost you HAVE to keep your sobriety intact. secondly you can let her know you love her and are very concerned , including the uptick in alcohol consumption. and that you know all too well where that leads.

Refiner

I had a friend/ coworker who abused Klonopin. That's heavy duty sh*t. She was all kinds of cray and I couldn't be friends with her anymore as she could try and sabotage me at the workplace. She ended up getting fired. I don't think you're really talking about depression at all, but abuse of mind altering drugs. An intervention for her drug abuse may not be a bad idea.

cynical one

I have a friend who had a good 20 year run with pills, she got herself sober and has remained that way for 10+ year now. I've known her long enough to see all three of her children go down the same road, all are now clean and sober. Then out of seemingly nowhere, her husband- the rock of the family, the white knight, the stable and secure one, the family provider, the fixer...gets addicted to Tramadol. He had lived with almost 30 years of addiction and took on these roles. Once he was no longer "needed" (in a very unhealthy way), he crashed and burned and struggled for years himself. Today he is clean, but he still struggles.

LexieCat

It doesn't sound like your therapist is being real helpful. "Suck it up" doesn't seem great on the spectrum of coping strategies. I would presume there are probably online forums, if you can't find a local support group, for family of people suffering from depression.

Menopause DOES do a number on some people. Do you know whether she's ever been prescribed antidepressants? Would she give her psychiatrist permission to talk with you?

theuncertainty

Depression isn't a straight line; it's not: remove a negative stimulus and this will automatically start improving. It's not logical, it's not straightforward, and it doesn't make sense. If she's still taking care of herself, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's 'not that bad.' I know when I was dealing with depression, it sometimes took so much energy to 'look normal,' to get up, get dressed, do my hair and make-up. Some days it felt like that was all I could really manage.

Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half did a good job describing how depression 'felt'. Her first post about depression is here: Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in Depression

My sister found the following book helpful: When Some One You Love is Depressed: how to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself.

velma929

As someone who wrestles with depression, I hope you can convey to your wife that medication can be a lifesaver. I don't buy the explanation of "It's her job." When I start to falter, my mindset isn't "I have a problem," it's "I am the problem." My shrink - uh-therapist was a good one and helped me with the coping skills I needed. I'm not medicated now, but I have been before but I see it happening again. It may take several tries to find the specific drug and dosage that works for her. There was one drug that did absolutely nothing, one that made me feel like every day was a vacation day (shame about the nausea) and another one or two that did work, but not so dramatically. I am a firm believer in better living through chemistry.