What do you do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London,UK
Posts: 17
What do you do?
What do you do when your AH is either drunk or so hungover you can't communicate a break up? What do you do when he is so desperately broke you can't simply pack his bags and kick him out of the door? What do you do when he has no where else,and I mean,no where else to go? What do you do when your mother in law 300 miles away expresses sympathy and understanding but says she doesn't know what else to say but 'he needs help?' What do you do when the GP can only suggest rehab but AH refuses to go? What do you do when all you can imagine is your home as a peaceful place to come home from work to but the ugly elephant in the room sits there like a troll? What can you do when your local al-anon meeting fails to materialise? What do you do when AH has work to go to but plain refuses 'I feel too queasy today' day after day after day? What do you do when no one else understands whats going on? What do you do when you feel like checking into a hotel for a week to get some peace but can't afford to spend yet MORE money on this situation?
Peace love and joy to all
LL
Peace love and joy to all
LL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
I agree with happybeingme. You could also maybe try a shelter for a way to get away. Then he would have to work to keep the place. I do not know if it is a rental or you own and I do not know if your name is on it both of those things could make a difference in your options. I think shelters can also help you figure out how and where to go when you have no money and he is refusing to work. This is just an idea of a place you may be able to get some information and start making a plan to get out. It is the only way I know that you might have a way of getting out without putting more money out up front. I am sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I think it is time to start living life for you.
Its time to leave.
I would look into securing yourself somewhere more permanent than a hotel to live.
Make plans, look at the finances involved in you moving out.
I think he needs to realise that you are serious and he needs to help himself.
He needs to organise his own rehab.
He needs to go to his GP and ask for help.
His mum can't do it for him either.
Don't put life on hold for him any longer.
Start living as you want to.
It might signal to him he needs to sort himself out.
As much as I think Al-anon is what you need, I think they will offer you similar advice - that he is the only one who can help himself and you should be active only in taking care of yourself.
I wish you the best xx
Its time to leave.
I would look into securing yourself somewhere more permanent than a hotel to live.
Make plans, look at the finances involved in you moving out.
I think he needs to realise that you are serious and he needs to help himself.
He needs to organise his own rehab.
He needs to go to his GP and ask for help.
His mum can't do it for him either.
Don't put life on hold for him any longer.
Start living as you want to.
It might signal to him he needs to sort himself out.
As much as I think Al-anon is what you need, I think they will offer you similar advice - that he is the only one who can help himself and you should be active only in taking care of yourself.
I wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
LPL - I am sorry for the craziness in your life. You have come to the right place, as we do understand. The majority in this forum have experienced one or a few of the things going on in your life.
I can see you are at your wits end living with an A. I think that you need to try and disengage with your A. You need to expect nothing from him, as he can't possibly give you any help or support, as he can't even take care of himself.
The best thing you can do is try and focus on you. What is it you want. Do you want a divorce, do you want to separate, or are you not ready to do either? You need to make a plan of what you want to do, and once you decide, you need to follow through. No threatening, just do what is best for you. Do you have any money put aside? Have you put together any documents that you might need for the future? Have you talked to any family or friends that you might be able to stay with while things settle down?
I know that you are feeling that there is no options for you, but there are, nothing is hopeless. Sit down and figure out what your plan is and execute it. You can do this and take care of yourself. There is a saying "if you leave and he gets sober, good for you/ if you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you!!
Hugs my friends, there is hope and life will get better!!!
I can see you are at your wits end living with an A. I think that you need to try and disengage with your A. You need to expect nothing from him, as he can't possibly give you any help or support, as he can't even take care of himself.
The best thing you can do is try and focus on you. What is it you want. Do you want a divorce, do you want to separate, or are you not ready to do either? You need to make a plan of what you want to do, and once you decide, you need to follow through. No threatening, just do what is best for you. Do you have any money put aside? Have you put together any documents that you might need for the future? Have you talked to any family or friends that you might be able to stay with while things settle down?
I know that you are feeling that there is no options for you, but there are, nothing is hopeless. Sit down and figure out what your plan is and execute it. You can do this and take care of yourself. There is a saying "if you leave and he gets sober, good for you/ if you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you!!
Hugs my friends, there is hope and life will get better!!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi LL, sorry it's got to this point. From the outside it seems your AH doesn't have any incentive to get sober because he has somewhere to live, and (your) income to live on. He's comfortable, but you're at the end of your rope. Like you say, you can't force him into rehab, and he's not going anywhere unless he has to.
Do you both own the home, or is it council or privately rented? A lot depends on the legal side of things for which you should probably consult a lawyer. The finances are bad, so it might help to get a consultation from a community service. Does the council have crisis services where you can go to find out your options? Although you're feeling hopeless right now, you can sit down with a piece of paper and the internet, and write out possible resources for yourself. Once you start on a plan to separate, and go through the things you CAN control, you'll begin to feel less impotent.
As for your AH - don't give him any money; let him earn it himself. If your money is going into a joint account, set up your own bank account and divert it. Don't do anything to help him take it easy and drink. You might want to stop cooking for him, laundry, driving him places. This isn't to punish him, but to treat him as an adult who must look after himself because at the moment he's sucking you dry emotionally and financially.
Go easy on Mum. Truthfully, there is nothing she can do and she's old and probably worrying a lot.
Do you both own the home, or is it council or privately rented? A lot depends on the legal side of things for which you should probably consult a lawyer. The finances are bad, so it might help to get a consultation from a community service. Does the council have crisis services where you can go to find out your options? Although you're feeling hopeless right now, you can sit down with a piece of paper and the internet, and write out possible resources for yourself. Once you start on a plan to separate, and go through the things you CAN control, you'll begin to feel less impotent.
As for your AH - don't give him any money; let him earn it himself. If your money is going into a joint account, set up your own bank account and divert it. Don't do anything to help him take it easy and drink. You might want to stop cooking for him, laundry, driving him places. This isn't to punish him, but to treat him as an adult who must look after himself because at the moment he's sucking you dry emotionally and financially.
Go easy on Mum. Truthfully, there is nothing she can do and she's old and probably worrying a lot.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Here are your options -
1) Sounds like he isn't going anywhere, refuses treatment, refuses to work
2) So you will have to leave
Meet with a solicitor and find out your options. Marriage isn't a death sentence. If I had to leave my own home to get away from this toxicity then that 's exactly what I would do. It might not be easy, it might entail breaking a lease or some other unpleasantry, but I would do whatever it took if my situation was like this.
Let go or be dragged. Sounds like your bank account is hemorrhaging with the A in your life. I stop that first........
1) Sounds like he isn't going anywhere, refuses treatment, refuses to work
2) So you will have to leave
Meet with a solicitor and find out your options. Marriage isn't a death sentence. If I had to leave my own home to get away from this toxicity then that 's exactly what I would do. It might not be easy, it might entail breaking a lease or some other unpleasantry, but I would do whatever it took if my situation was like this.
Let go or be dragged. Sounds like your bank account is hemorrhaging with the A in your life. I stop that first........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London,UK
Posts: 17
Thanks everyone
I understand he will never get better whilst living here,only worse. I understand the longer he lives here I will end up getting ill too. I do not want to walk away from my home, it is MY rent controlled apartment and prices locally for a similar place are 3-4 times the cost..I have lost out far too much financially to move somewhere that will cost me so much more long term. A shelter is not an option either, I just couldn't face that and why the hell should I be forced into such a miserable place. (yes, I know,home is a miserable place but at least I have my cats and belongings)
I have stopped cooking for him, laundry isn't a bother but keeping up the home single handledly as well as working fulltime,and studying, is becoming a bore.
Sending you all peace love and joy
LL
I understand he will never get better whilst living here,only worse. I understand the longer he lives here I will end up getting ill too. I do not want to walk away from my home, it is MY rent controlled apartment and prices locally for a similar place are 3-4 times the cost..I have lost out far too much financially to move somewhere that will cost me so much more long term. A shelter is not an option either, I just couldn't face that and why the hell should I be forced into such a miserable place. (yes, I know,home is a miserable place but at least I have my cats and belongings)
I have stopped cooking for him, laundry isn't a bother but keeping up the home single handledly as well as working fulltime,and studying, is becoming a bore.
Sending you all peace love and joy
LL
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Have you consulted with a solicitor for legal advice? Here in the U.S., it's possible to file for divorce and receive a pendente lite (during litigation) order giving one of the parties the marital home on a temporary basis until the entire matter is resolved. Since it was your apartment to begin with, I'm assuming you would have preference in terms of which one of you can stay there.
I'd consult a lawyer ASAP. And if worse comes to worse, I would view almost any living situation preferable to sharing a home with a miserable drunk.
I'd consult a lawyer ASAP. And if worse comes to worse, I would view almost any living situation preferable to sharing a home with a miserable drunk.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
LL I'm totally in sympathy with you not seeing why you should move. It's all dependent on the legal situation and whether you can pressure him to move out. I suggest you put your energy into working out how this can be done. You could try moral pressure, bribes, cutting off his alcohol supply (if feasible), applying for a separation... There will be a way, but it might not be easy.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
Somehow, your situation reminds me of mine when I was splitting up with my XAH. I felt trapped by his inability to cope financially, though at least he was going to work at that time (that soon changed, mind).
Are you able to contact the landlord at all? I wonder if there is any way of contacting them to explain the situation so that when he defaults on rent, the landlord can evict him and let you move back in.
In the meantime, in the UK it is possible to be separated and still be living under the same roof. You need to be sleeping separately and not be doing household chores for each other.
You don't need to go to live in a women's shelter to get DV advice. If he's refusing to contribute to the household, causing financial chaos and ignoring that you've ended the relationship then this is abuse. Some free legal advice would be very handy.
Is there anyone you could stay with for a few days just to get some breathing space.
Are you able to contact the landlord at all? I wonder if there is any way of contacting them to explain the situation so that when he defaults on rent, the landlord can evict him and let you move back in.
In the meantime, in the UK it is possible to be separated and still be living under the same roof. You need to be sleeping separately and not be doing household chores for each other.
You don't need to go to live in a women's shelter to get DV advice. If he's refusing to contribute to the household, causing financial chaos and ignoring that you've ended the relationship then this is abuse. Some free legal advice would be very handy.
Is there anyone you could stay with for a few days just to get some breathing space.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just one other thought--sometimes we overcomplicate things. Have you tried telling him he has to leave? I did that with my last ex, and when he said, "but I have no place to go," my response was, "not my problem." He left, found a place to stay temporarily till he could make other arrangements. I would assume there are homeless shelters there.
You never know, it might be enough to persuade him that rehab isn't so bad.
If he refuses, then you will need a different course of action (legal), but try just telling him to go.
You never know, it might be enough to persuade him that rehab isn't so bad.
If he refuses, then you will need a different course of action (legal), but try just telling him to go.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would print out the closest rehabs and homeless shelters and tell him he has to go. If you continue to let him go on like this, YOU will continue to be miserable.
Just my two cents. Tight hugs, I know it's not easy.
Just my two cents. Tight hugs, I know it's not easy.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
I left. I signed the house I'd bought with my own money outright over to exah and left. I got a rental place. I have never regretted it. Money was very tight. However my credit rating is better now the it ever was with him. Now my sons are coming to live with me and he is rotting in his paid off house. Life is too short to stay in misery. I have never been happier.
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